The true gentleman is never arrogant, or overbearing, or rude to domestics or _employees_. His commands are requests, and all services, no matter how humble the servant, are received with thanks, as if they were favors. We might say the same with still greater emphasis of the true lady. There is no surer sign of vulgarity than a needless a.s.sumption of the tone of authority and a haughty and supercilious bearing toward servants and inferiors in station generally. It is a small thing to say, "I thank you," but those little words are often better than gold. No one is too poor to bestow, or too rich to receive them.
VI.
THE OBSERVANCES OF EVERY-DAY LIFE.
Good manners are the settled medium of social, as specie is of commercial life: returns are equally expected in both; and people will no more advance their civility to a bear, than their money to a bankrupt.--_Chesterfield._
I.--A PRELIMINARY REMARK.
In going out into the great world which lies outside of home we have no new principles to lay down for your guidance. Those we have set forth and ill.u.s.trated in previous chapters are of universal application and meet all contingencies. We shall now essay a brief exposition of the established laws of etiquette, leaving each reader to judge for himself how far he can and ought to conform to them, and what modifications they require to adapt them to a change of time, place, and circ.u.mstances.
II.--INTRODUCTIONS.
It is neither necessary nor desirable to introduce everybody to everybody; and the promiscuous presentations sometimes inflicted upon us are anything but agreeable. You confer no favor on us, and only a nominal one on the person presented, by making us acquainted with one whom we do not desire to know; and you _may_ inflict a positive injury upon both. Yon also put yourself in an unpleasant position; for "an introduction is a social indors.e.m.e.nt," and yell become to a certain extent responsible for the person you introduce. If he disgraces himself in any way you share, in a greater or less degree, in his disgrace. Be as cautious in this matter as you would in writing your name on the back of another man"s note.
As a general rule, no gentleman should be presented to a lady without her permission being previously obtained. Between gentlemen this formality is not always necessary, but you should have good reason to believe that the acquaintance will be agreeable to both, before introducing any persons to each other. If a gentleman requests you to present him to another gentleman who is his superior in social position, or to a lady, you should either obtain permission of the latter, or decline to accede to his request, on the ground that you are not sufficiently intimate yourself to take the liberty.
If you are walking with a friend, and are met or joined by another, it is not necessary to introduce them to each other; but you may do so if you think they would be glad to become acquainted. The same rule will apply to other accidental meetings.
When two men call upon a stranger on a matter of business, each should present the other.
The inferior should be introduced to the superior--the gentleman to the lady, as, "Miss Brown, permit me to introduce Mr. Smith." A lady may, however, be introduced to a gentleman much her superior in age or station. Gentlemen and ladies who are presumed to be equals in age and position are mutually introduced; as, "Mr. Wilson, allow me to make you acquainted with Mr. Parker; Mr. Parker, Mr. Wilson."
In presenting persons be very careful to speak their names plainly; and on being introduced to another, if you do not catch the name, say, without hesitation or embarra.s.sment, "I beg your pardon, I did not hear the name."
It is the common custom in this country to shake hands on being introduced. It is better that this should be optional with the person to whom you are presented or with you, if you stood in the position of the superior. If a lady or a superior in age or social position offers the hand, you of course accept it cordially. You will have too much self-respect to be the first to extend the hand in such a case.
In merely formal introductions a bow is enough. Feeling should govern in this matter.
In introducing members of your own family you should always mention the name. Say, "My father Mr. Jones," "My daughter Miss Jones," or "Miss Mary Jones." Your wife is simply "Mrs. Jones;" and if there happen to be another Mrs. Jones in the family, she may be "Mrs. Jones, my sister-in-law," etc. To speak of your wife as "my lady," or enter yourselves on a hotel register as Mr. Jones and lady, is particularly _sn.o.bbish_.
Introductions by letter are subject to the same general rules as verbal ones: we should, however, be still more cautious in giving them; but for directions on this point, as well as forms for letters of introduction, see "How to Write," Chapter IX.
But may we not speak to a person without an introduction? In many cases we most certainly may and should. There is no reason in the world why two persons who may occupy the same seat in a railway car or a stage coach should remain silent during the whole journey because they have not been introduced, when conversation might be agreeable to both. The same remark will apply to many other occasions. You are not obliged, however to know these _extempore_ acquaintances afterward.
If you are a gentleman, do not, we beg you, permit the lack of an introduction to prevent you from promptly offering your services to any unattended lady who may need them. Take off your hat and politely beg the honor of protecting, escorting, or a.s.sisting her, and when the service has been accomplished, bow and retire.
III.--SALUTATIONS.
"Salutation," a French writer says, "is the touchstone of good breeding." Your good sense will teach you that it should vary in style with persons, times, places, and circ.u.mstances. You will meet an intimate friend with a hearty shake of the hand and an inquiry indicative of real interest, in reference to his health and that of his family. To another person you how respectfully without speaking. A slight note of recognition suffices in another case. But you should never come into the presence of any person, unless you feel at liberty to ignore their existence altogether, without some form of salutation.
If you meet in company a person with whom you have a quarrel, it is better in general to bow coldly and ceremoniously than to seem not to see him.
It is a great rudeness not to return a salutation, no matter how humble the person who salutes you. "A bow," La Fontaine says, "is a note drawn at sight. If you acknowledge it, you must pay the full amount." The two best bred men in England, Charles the Second and George the Fourth, never failed to take off their hats to the meanest of their subjects. A greater man than either, and a true "gentleman of the old school," George Washington, was wont to lift his hat even to the poor negro slave, who took off his as that great man pa.s.sed.
IV.--RECEPTIONS.
The duty of receiving visitors usually devolves upon the mistress of the house, and should be performed in an easy, quiet, and self possessed manner, and without any unnecessary ceremony. In this way you will put your guests at their ease, and make their call or visit pleasant both to them and to yourself. From a little book before us ent.i.tled "Etiquette for Ladies," we condense a few useful hints on this subject:
"When any one enters, whether announced or not, rise immediately, advance toward him, and request him to sit down. If it is a young man, _offer_ him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly man, _insist_ upon his _accepting_ the arm-chair; if a lady, beg her to be seated upon the sofa. If the master of the house receives the visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance from them; if, on the contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and if she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place herself near her. If several ladies come at once, we give the most honorable place to the one who, from age or other considerations, is most ent.i.tled to respect. In winter, the most honorable places are those at the corners of the fireplace.
"If the visitor is a stranger, the master or mistress of the house rises, and any persons who may be already in the room should do the same. If some of them then withdraw, the master or mistress of the house should conduct them as far as the door. But whoever the person may be who departs, if we have other company, we may dispense with conducting farther than the door of the room."
Quiet self-possession and unaffected courtesy will enable you to make even a ceremonious morning call tolerable, if not absolutely pleasant to both the caller and yourself.
V.--VISITS AND CALLS.
Visits are of various kinds, each of which has its own terms and observances. There are visits of ceremony, visits of congratulation, visits of condolence, visits of friendship.
Visits of ceremony, though they take up a large share of the time of the fashionable lady, are very stupid affairs as a general thing, and have little to recommend them except--Fashion. The best thing about them is that they may and should be short.
You pay visits of congratulation to your friends on the occurrence of any particularly auspicious event in his family, or on his appointment to any office or dignity.
Visits of condolence should be made within the week after the event which calls for them.
Let visits of friendship be governed by friendship"s own laws, and the universal principles of good manners. We shall give no particular rules for the regulation of their time or their length.
"Morning calls," the "Ill.u.s.trated Manners Book" says "are the small change of social commerce; parties and a.s.semblies are the heavy drafts. A call is not less than ten nor more than twenty minutes in the city; in the country a little longer. The time for a morning call is between eleven and two o"clock, unless your friends are so fashionable as to dine at five or six, in which case you can call from twelve to three. Morning, in fashionable parlance, means any time before dinner."
In a morning call or visit of ceremony, the gentleman takes his hat and cane, if he carries one, into the room. The lady does not take off her bonnet and shawl. In attending ladies who are making morning calls, a gentleman a.s.sists them up the steps, rings the bell, _follows_ them into the room, and waits till they have finished their salutations, unless he has a part to perform in presenting them.
Ladies should always be the first to rise in terminating a visa, and when they have made their _adieux_ their cavaliers repeat the ceremony, and follow them out.
Soiled overshoes or wet garments should not be worn into any room devoted to the use of ladies. Gentlemen must never remain seated in the company of ladies with whom he is ceremoniously a.s.sociated, while they are standing. Always relieve ladies of their parcels, parasols, shawls, etc. whenever this will conduce to their convenience.[B]
If you call on a person who is "engaged," or "not at home," leave your card. If there are several persons you desire to see, leave a card for each, or desire a servant to present your compliments to them severally. All visits should be returned, personally or by card, just as one should speak when spoken to, or answer a respectful letter.
In visiting at a hotel, do not enter your friend"s room till your card has announced you. If not at home, send your card to his room with your address written upon it as well as the name of the person for whom it is intended, to avoid mistakes.[C]
When you are going abroad, intending to be absent for some time, you inclose your card in an envelope, having first, written T. T. L. [to take leave], or P. P. C. [_pour prendre conge_] upon it--for a man the former is better--and direct it outside to the person for whom it is intended. In taking leave of a _family_, you send as many cards as you would if you were paying an ordinary visit. When you return from your voyage, all the persons to whom, before going, you have sent cards, will pay you the first visit. If, previously to a voyage or his marriage, any one should not send his card to another, it is to be understood that he wishes the acquaintance to cease. The person, therefore, who is thus _dis_carded, should never again visit the other.[D]
Visiting cards should be engraved or handsomely written. Those printed on type are considered vulgar, simply, no doubt, because they are cheap. A gentleman"s card should be of medium size, unglazed, ungilt, and perfectly plain. A lady"s card may be larger and finer, and should be carried in a card-case.
If you should happen to be paying an evening visit at a house, where, unknown to you, there is a small party a.s.sembled, you should enter and present yourself precisely as you would have done had you been invited. To retire precipitately with an apology for the intrusion would create a _scene_, and be extremely awkward. Go in, therefore, converse with ease for a few moments, and then retire.
In making morning calls, usage allows a gentleman to wear a frock coat, or a sack coat, if the latter happen to be in fashion. The frock coat is now, in this country, _tolerated_ at dinner-parties, and even at a ball, but is not considered in good _ton_ or style.
"Ladies," according to the authority of a writer of their own s.e.x, "should make morning calls in an elegant and simple _neglige_, all the details of which we can not give, on account of their multiplicity and the numerous modifications of fashion. It is necessary for them, when visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with great care."
VI.--APPOINTMENTS.
Be exact in keeping all appointments. It is better never to avail yourself of even the quarter of an hour"s grace sometimes allowed.