If you make an appointment with another at your own house, you should be invisible to the rest of the world, and consecrate your time solely to him.
If you accept an appointment at the house of a public officer or a man of business, be very punctual, transact the affair with dispatch, and retire the moment it is finished.
At a dinner or supper to which you have accepted an invitation, be absolutely punctual. It is very annoying to arrive an hour before the rest, and still worse to be too late. If you find yourself in the latter predicament on an occasion where ceremony is required, send in your card, with an apology, and retire.
VII.--TABLE MANNERS.
We shall speak in another place of the ceremonious observances requisite at formal dinner parties. Our observations here will be of a more general character, and of universal application.
Take your seat quietly at the table. Sit firmly in your chair, without lolling, leaning back, drumming, or any other uncouth action. Unfold your napkin and lay it in your lap, eat soup delicately with a spoon, holding a piece of bread in your left hand. Be careful to make no noise in chewing or swallowing your food.
Cut your food with your knife; but the fork is to be used to convey it to your mouth. A spoon is employed for food that can not be eaten with a fork. Take your fork or spoon in the right hand. Never use both hands to convey anything to your month. Break your bread, not cut or bite it. Your cup was made to drink from, and your saucer to hold the cup. It is not well to drink anything hot; but you can wait till your tea or coffee cools. Eggs should be eaten from the sh.e.l.l (chipping off a little of the _larger_ end), with or without an egg-cup. The egg-cup is to hold the sh.e.l.l, and not its contents.
Be attentive to the wants of any lady who may be seated next to you, especially where there are no servants, and pa.s.s anything that may be needful to others.
When you send up your plate for anything, your knife and fork should go with it. When you have finished the course, lay your knife and fork on your plate, parallel to each other, with the handles toward your right hand. Of course, you should never put your knife into the b.u.t.ter or the salt, or your spoon into the sugar-bowl. _Eat moderately and slowly_, for your health"s sake; but rapid, gross, and immoderate eating is as vulgar as it is unwholesome. Never say or do anything at table that is liable to produce disgust. Wipe your nose, if needful, but never blow it. If it is necessary to do this, or to spit, leave the table.
It is almost unnecessary to mention that the table-cloth is not the place to put your salt. Bread is the only comestible which the custom of well-bred people permits to be laid off your plate.
It is well not to seem too much in haste to commence, as if you are famishing, but neither is it necessary to wait till everybody is served before you commence.
It is perfectly proper to "take the last piece," if you want it, always presuming that there is more of the same in reserve.
VIII.--CONVERSATION.
As conversation is the princ.i.p.al business in company, we can not well pay too much attention to it; but having devoted another work to the subject, we shall make this section briefer than would otherwise be allowable, and refer our readers for complete instructions in this important art to "How to Talk."[E] The maxims which follow are mostly compiled from other works now before us.
The wit of conversation consists more in finding it in others than in showing a great deal yourself. He who goes from your conversation pleased with himself and his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with you. The most delicate pleasure is to please another.[F]
Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man about his profession. Do not talk of politics to a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a broker. Talk to a mother about her children. Women are never tired of hearing of themselves and their children.[G]
In promiscuous companies you should vary your address agreeably to the different ages of the persons to whom you speak. It would be rude and absurd to talk of your courtships or your pleasures to men of certain dignity and gravity, to clergymen, or men in years. To women you should always address yourself with great respect and attention; their s.e.x is ent.i.tled to it, and it is among the duties of good manners; at the same time, that respect is very properly and very agreeably mixed with a degree of gayety, if you have it.
In relating anything, avoid repet.i.tions, or very hackneyed expressions, such as, _says he_, or _says she_. Some people will use these so often as to take off the hearer"s attention from the story; as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time we are playing, and confuse the piece so as not to be understood.
Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people"s domestic concerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain; by entering into the other, you will be considered officious. Talking of yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to them; besides, they can not be kept too secret. As to the affairs of others, what are they to you?
You should never help out or forestall the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted that every one is vain enough to think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny it. [There is an exception to this rule.
In speaking with foreigners, who understand our language imperfectly, and may be unable to find the right word, it is sometimes polite to a.s.sist them by suggesting the word they require.]
Giving advice unasked is another piece of rudeness. It is, in effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance.
Those who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every a.s.sertion a matter of dispute, betray, by this behavior, a want of acquaintance with good breeding.
Vulgarism in language is the next and distinguishing characteristic of bad company and a bad education. A man of fashion avoids nothing with more care than that. Proverbial expressions and trite sayings are the flowers of the rhetoric of a vulgar man.[H]
Never descend to flattery; but deserved compliments should never be withheld. Be attentive to any person who may be speaking to you, and be equally ready to speak or to listen, as the case may require. Never dispute. As a general rule, do not ride your own _hobbies_ in a mixed company, nor allow yourself to be "trotted out" for their amus.e.m.e.nt.
IX.--MUSIC.
When music commences, conversation should cease. It is very rude to talk while another person is singing or playing.
A lady should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but if she intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but obligingly accede at once. If you can not sing, or do not choose to, say so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others.
The complaint is as old as the days of Horace, that a singer can with the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when agoing, can not be stopped.
In playing an accompaniment for another, do not forget that it is intended to aid, and not to interrupt, and that the instrument is subordinate to the singer.
When a lady is playing, it is desirable that some one should turn the leaves for her. Some gentleman will be generally at hand to do this, but unless he be able to read music, his services may as well be dispensed with.
X.--LETTERS AND NOTES.
Few accomplishments are more important than letter writing--in fact, it is absolutely indispensable to every man or woman who desires to fill a respectable position it society. But good letter-writers are rare. Too little attention is paid to the subject in our systems of education; and the lack of the ability to write a decent letter, or even a note of invitation, acceptance, or regret, is often the cause of great mortification, to say nothing of the delays, misunderstandings, and losses resulting in business affairs from bungling and incorrectly written letters.
The impossibility of doing justice to the subject in the very limited s.p.a.ce that we could devote to it in this work, compels us to refer the reader to our little manual of Composition and Letter-Writing, ent.i.tled "How to Write," in which the whole subject is thoroughly explained and ill.u.s.trated.
XI.--MISCELLANEOUS HINTS.
1. _Which goes First?_
In ascending or descending stairs with a lady, it is proper to offer your arm, provided the stair-case is sufficiently wide to permit two to go up or down abreast.
But if it is not, which should go first? Authorities disagree. Usage is not settled. It is a general rule of etiquette to give ladies the precedence everywhere. Is there a sufficient reason for making this an exception? One says that if you follow a lady in going down stairs, you are liable to tread on her dress, and that if she precedes you in going up, she might display a large foot or a thick ankle which were better concealed. He thinks the gentleman should go first. Another calls this a maxim of prudery and the legacy of a maiden aunt. Colonel Lunettes, our oft-quoted friend of the old _regime_, speaks very positively on this point. "Nothing is more absurd," he says, "than the habit of preceding ladies in ascending stairs, adopted by some men--as if by following just behind them, as one should if the arm be disengaged, there can be any impropriety. Soiled frills and unmended hose must have originated this vulgarity." Let the ladies decide.
2. _An American Habit._
There is a habit peculiar to the United States, and from which even some females, who cla.s.s themselves as ladies, are not entirely free--that of lolling back, balanced upon the two hind legs of a chair. Such a breach of good breeding is rarely committed in Europe.
Lolling is carried even so for in America, that it is not uncommon to see the attorneys lay their feet upon the council table; and the clerks and judges theirs also upon their desks in open court.
3. _Gloved or Ungloved?_
In shaking hands it is more respectful to offer an ungloved hand; but if two gentlemen are both gloved, it is very foolish to keep each other waiting to take them off. You should not, however, offer a gloved hand to a lady or a superior who is ungloved. Foreigners are sometimes very sensitive in this matter, and might deem the glove an insult. It is well for a gentleman to carry his right-hand glove in his hand where he is likely to have occasion to shake hands. At a ball or a party the gloves should not be taken off.
4. _Equality._
In company, though none are _free_, yet all are _equal_. All, therefore, whom you meet should be treated with equal respect, although interest may dictate toward each different degrees of attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of her guests.
5. _False Shame._