"See, taking notes will take you away from here. You will be collecting data or information to apply to your life later to fi x what you think has been wrong with it in the past. You can"t work on yourself to have your life transform. Remember, we said that just getting into this moment is enough. In order to take notes, you have to translate, abridge, and write down what is said into an understandable format for later. But what is of use here tonight is not easily understood.
"For instance, you can understand what makes a sunset become a brilliant red, but understanding is not the same as the intensity of the experience. Perhaps you can just hang out, 24 24 relax, and see what happens. If you get "present," you won"t need any written pointers or guidelines or tips to take away from tonight. relax, and see what happens. If you get "present," you won"t need any written pointers or guidelines or tips to take away from tonight.
"See, Vanessa, this brings us to the second thing that will keep people from being in the moment-their agendas. An individual"s ideas and goals of what they want severely limit the infi nite possibilities that life has to offer, because they will scan for what they think is needed in order to be happy and fi lter out so many other rich and varied things. When a person is striving for something, it is usually based on the idea that what he or she has now is insuffi cient or what he or she did in the past was wrong. It"s funny, we"ve seen people come to our groups hungry for a job or to get a relationship or to have more fun in their lives, to name but a few agendas, and they are so serious about these goals that they miss this moment. And in this moment, an available, attractive person may be sitting nearby but will be overlooked in the act of seeking. Others have literally talked the potential employers sitting next to them out of offering them a job because the out-of-work individuals were so busy trying to get ahead that they disregarded the people who had jobs to offer. You would be amazed at the number of people who are actually being serious about their search for fun. See if you can be here tonight and let go of trying to get ahead."
Vanessa nodded thoughtfully. I could tell she was a little reluctant, but she was game to give it a go. Bending down, she placed her pen and pad under her chair so she wouldn"t be tempted and would be free to be there. As she sat up, Vanessa graced us with another brilliant and infectious smile. I appreciated that smile and also the fact that she had let that pad, her pen, and the idea to take notes really go. She took our suggestion and made it her own. Transformation was already happening here. Vanessa may have been reluctant at fi rst, but by the time she sat back up, she was truly there.
I shifted my focus to include the entire room. "We suggest you listen. And by that we mean really really listen-not only to us but also to whatever anyone has to say. Get interested. Invest listen-not only to us but also to whatever anyone has to say. Get interested. Invest D i s c o v e r i n g Y o u r R e l a t i o n s h i p D N A D i s c o v e r i n g Y o u r R e l a t i o n s h i p D N A 25 25 yourself in being here with totality. Watch where your mind wants to wander off, as if what is happening in your life in this moment is not important. Notice if you take exception to a word in order to miss the essence of what is being said.
"Most people think that they are listening when what they are really doing is completely different. Frequently people are actually agreeing or disagreeing. When you agree or disagree, you take what is being said and compare it to what you know, to the knowledge you have gathered from the past. Depending on what is in your knowledge bank, you will say to yourself, "Yes, that is true," or "No, I don"t agree with that." But this takes you out of the moment. You will naturally agree and disagree with things as the evening progresses. It"s a normal, automatic function of our minds. So don"t make yourself wrong or chastise yourself when you see it happening. Just bring your attention, your awareness back to what is being said. That is all you need to do.
"Speaking of comparison," I continued, "that is another function that will take you out of here. How many of you have ever read self-help books or articles, meditated, taken a personal growth cla.s.s, or gone to therapy?"
Almost everyone raised his or her hand, and as I looked around, I noticed a man in the front who was slumped down, looking as if he were there under duress. This was just another weird seminar that his girlfriend, who was sitting on his left, had dragged him to. She was nudging him to get him to raise his hand because she had taken him with her to many different events, but there was no budging him.
"Your mind compares. We will say things tonight that may sound similar to things you have heard before because you all have a handicap. You are smart. And smart people, people who have worked on themselves, have the hardest time hearing things newly. In Zen, they talk about the beginner"s mind. See if tonight you can be willing to let go of what you know and be here as if for the fi rst time.
"Let"s see, what else will take you out of the moment?" I said, looking at Shya and then looking out to those a.s.sembled 26 26 there because, for now, I had run out of steam. There was a pause as we all contemplated the question. there because, for now, I had run out of steam. There was a pause as we all contemplated the question.
"Proving and defending," a familiar voice from the right side prompted. Shya and I smiled in unison at Roger. His comment had come from a rich background with us, and he was willing to share his expertise with others, even at the risk of looking foolish. Roger has bright red hair, freckles, and a dimple in his chin, and he is one of our dearest friends as well as our accountant and money manager.
"Go ahead and explain what you mean by proving and defending," Shya said, giving him the challenge because he knew the story that Roger was about to relate. Immediately we were touched because our friend was about to reveal the foibles of his youth, the much lesser version of himself from more than fi fteen years earlier when his business was young.
"Well," Roger began with a good-natured grin, "if you are here to prove anything, such as how smart you are, how you know better than Ariel and Shya do, then you will miss being here this evening. Actually, I am very familiar with defending or protecting a point of view. See, I am Ariel and Shya"s accountant . . ."
As Roger began to unashamedly tell his story, the morning he was referring to came into focus in my mind"s eye. We had met with him that day because Shya and I had decided that from then on, when possible, we would not spend money before we actually earned it. People often paid their tuition for our groups in advance, and we had gotten into the habit of spending the money as it came in. Our concern was that if for some reason people"s plans changed or we had to cancel an event for some unforeseen reason, we would not have the money to give back.
We did not want to have to manipulate people to be in our groups because we had already spent their money. Shya and I had the idea to put payments that partic.i.p.ants made in advance for groups into an escrow account and only release the funds to ourselves once we had actually earned them.
D i s c o v e r i n g Y o u r R e l a t i o n s h i p D N A 27 27 Enthusiastically we told Roger of the plan. He didn"t understand it. We explained it again. Still he looked dumbly at us. I tried to explain the concept again in very plain terms, like one of those story problems I had hated in math cla.s.s as a child.
I knew that this explanation would work. I was excited.
"Hang on, Shya, let me give him a great example," I said, confi dent that this would do the trick. "Ready?"
Roger nodded.
"Joe pays us for a workshop that he plans to attend. We spend the money. Two days later, Joe"s mother unexpectedly falls ill, and he has to fl y out to California to be with her. He misses the course. We want to refund his tuition, but we have already spent the money. Had we known better, we would have held his money aside, in case there was an emergency, so that we could give him a refund. Only after Joe actually completed a course with us would the money he had paid be ours, because by then we would have earned it."
I sat back, rather proud of myself. The morning sun refl ected off the gla.s.s-topped table. I waited for Roger"s face to clear, but he still stared at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. I couldn"t believe my eyes. Was this the brilliant man we knew and loved? Was this the fellow who had majored in accounting, had worked for a big accounting fi rm, and fi nally had become a certifi ed public accountant after pa.s.sing the rigorous CPA exam?
All of a sudden, Shya started laughing, and his laughter deepened into a belly laugh. "I get it. I get it. I fi nally fi gured it out," he said.
Roger looked a little nervous that he might fi nd out something that would make him feel even more inept, but at the same time he seemed relieved because we had been trying to explain this concept for over an hour.
"Roger, tell me, how do we pay you?" Shya asked.
"Uh, by check," Roger replied, mystifi ed.
"But do we pay you an hourly rate, by the day, or what?"
28.
"Oh, that"s simple to answer. I get 6 percent of Ariel"s and your gross income in exchange for doing your bookkeeping and taxes, paying the bills, keeping your workshop records, making deposits, etc."
Although Roger had answered Shya"s question, it didn"t give him any relief. He still remained in a stupor, but I was beginning to see the joke.
"And tell me, Roger," Shya continued, "when do you pay yourself your 6 percent?"
"I pay myself as the money comes in."
"Are you attached to doing it this way rather than, say, paying yourself each time we complete a group?"
Suddenly the storm clouds that had obscured Roger"s vision cleared as if they had been sent scuttling off by a stiff breeze. Instantaneously, just by becoming aware of what he had hidden from himself, our friend got "smart" again.
"Oh, my gosh. I didn"t see that. I didn"t want to give up my 6 percent. I didn"t want to have to wait to get my money until you fi nished each course; I wanted to use it as it came in. Wow!
My investment in immediately taking my 6 percent made it impossible to hear you. I actually blocked the sense of what you were saying because it threatened my agenda."
"Your hidden agenda," Shya prompted. "You had even hidden this agenda from yourself."
"Boy, is that ever true. Thanks. Of course, your idea of an escrow account makes sense."
During that evening seminar, as I saw Roger so eloquently explain to a room full of friends, acquaintances, and strangers about discovering his 6 percent, I realized that his way of being, his whole bearing and demeanor were not just signs of maturing. Plenty of people age without letting go of the old behavior patterns that are a vestige of their childhood. No, Roger had truly transformed. I was happy for him. Shya put his arm around me, and we leaned back to hear the rest of Roger"s story.
D i s c o v e r i n g Y o u r R e l a t i o n s h i p D N A 29 29 I have heard a Yiddish term, kvell kvell. When I think of this word, I think of it as meaning to revel deeply in the richness of something and to really relish the moment. As Roger spoke, both Shya and I were kvelling. We knew that Roger was hand-ing these people the keys to be stars and to be transformed themselves. Unabashedly, Roger re-created who he had been so long ago in a way that it became real again in the retelling.
As he allowed a room full of folks to laugh with him about his 6 percent, his investment in his hidden agenda, he was demonstrating the possibility that they didn"t have to judge themselves-that, in fact, it was possible to not only look at but laugh at their petty investments, their own 6 percents.
With Instantaneous Transformation, simply noticing a behavior pattern, but not judging it, is enough to have it lose its power over your life. As you continue reading this book, we encourage you to discover your own hidden agendas and, like Roger, see if you can have a sense of humor about what you fi nd.
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4.Recognizing Hidden Agendas
There are agendas that people are aware of, and then there are those of which they are unaware. As we saw with Roger in the last chapter, it is the latter that cause problems in our ability to relate.
In this chapter, we are going to identify some of the typical hidden agendas that we have seen in the course of working with individuals who are looking for a mate, as well as with couples who are looking at the mechanics of their relationship.
It has been our experience that when people become aware of what they have been doing mechanically and don"t judge what they see, they have a choice to continue their actions or not.
Again, awareness allows for freedom from the domination of old behaviors. The simple recognition of unaware patterns, if not resisted but seen for what they are, will free you from the mechanical restraints of these previously unrecognized hidden agendas.
Before we look at the types of agendas that can interfere with a person"s ability to relate, let"s examine the mechanics of these strategies for living.
H OW AG E N DA S WO R K.
As we discussed earlier, people can only see what they already know. What they have no knowledge of does not exist. Minds 31 31 32.act very much like computer programs. They function by comparing new data to information that is already in the system. act very much like computer programs. They function by comparing new data to information that is already in the system.
Therefore, anything that occurs outside of the program is not recognizable.
Back in the late "80s, when the two of us bought our fi rst computer, we also set up our fi rst database to keep track of the names, addresses, and phone numbers of people who wanted to be on our mailing list. The particular program we purchased would translate any data entered into a preset form. For instance, we could type in "ariel & shya kane," and our program would automatically convert it so that the fi rst letter of each word would be capitalized to read "Ariel & Shya Kane."
The problem was that this formula, while mostly accurate, didn"t always work. There were times when an individual"s last name was not capitalized, such as the name "den Ouden." Zip codes longer than fi ve digits couldn"t be entered, and foreign zip codes that included letters were rejected also. Because this was an early database program and was less sophisticated than the ones we have today, there was no way to override the automatic preset fi elds. Obviously, the people who wrote this program could not conceive of all the uses for their creation.
They were limited by what they knew to be possible and by what they had thought to create. So the program did not take into account that users might have European clients, that not all names are capitalized, and that, in the future, zip codes would have more than fi ve numbers.
Agendas act like those automatic fi elds. They were preset when we, as individuals, were much less sophisticated, and they run without the benefi t of what we have learned since their inception. Bringing awareness to your automatic programs acts like a complimentary software upgrade. It allows you to keep what works and modify what doesn"t. This leads to appropriate behavior rather than having to repeatedly make mistakes that you are powerless to correct.
R e c o g n i z i n g H i d d e n A g e n d a s 33 33 C R E AT I NG A C O N T E X T I N W H I C H T O S E E.
N E W P O S S I B I L I T I E S.
If you are not aware that something exists, including an agenda, it may still exist in reality, but in your experience it does not.
For example, in 1992, the two of us were in Hawaii with Max, Shya"s eight-fi ve-year-old father. We stayed at an oceanfront condominium. From our vantage point, we could see migrating humpback whales spouting and jumping out of the water, but Max could not. Then we took him out on a whale-watching trip where these enormous creatures came close to the boat.
When we went back to the condo, he looked out at the ocean, and suddenly he could see the whales. Now he knew what to look for. We had pointed them out before the boat ride, but he could not see them.
There has to be a context created in which to see. People look through what they already know and, not unlike our early database program, reject what isn"t in their preset fi eld of knowledge. So if they don"t realize there is a whole other paradigm, a whole other reality, a whole other context in which to operate, for them it does not exist. You might think, What What is wrong with that? is wrong with that? The answer is nothing. However, what you know limits what is possible for you. There is a saying-"If you can dream it, you can have it." But if you don"t know of the existence of something, you can"t even dream it. Ask yourself, The answer is nothing. However, what you know limits what is possible for you. There is a saying-"If you can dream it, you can have it." But if you don"t know of the existence of something, you can"t even dream it. Ask yourself, What if there are things I don"t know that could radically alter the quality What if there are things I don"t know that could radically alter the quality of my relationships? of my relationships?
Some of the limitations in your capacity for having an exciting, vital relationship are your unaware agendas or goals.
( Webster"s Webster"s primary defi nition of primary defi nition of agenda agenda is "a program of things to be done.") On one hand, agendas and goals are very useful. is "a program of things to be done.") On one hand, agendas and goals are very useful.
They allow us to focus on those things that need to be completed. They allow us to steer a course to a destination. They keep us on track so that we don"t get distracted, and they allow us to see if we have achieved what we set out to accomplish.
34.But agendas can also limit what we can see, fettering our interactions with others and with our environment. They do this because we are driven toward the completion of that goal and we become blinded, as Roger did, in our attempt to get what we think we want or need. But agendas can also limit what we can see, fettering our interactions with others and with our environment. They do this because we are driven toward the completion of that goal and we become blinded, as Roger did, in our attempt to get what we think we want or need.
Take, for example, a couple who are expressing their particular points of view about how to raise their children. One would a.s.sume that, since these people are working to have the best for their family, they would be working as a team to discover what is best for their kids. However, each comes in with a set agenda about what might be best for their children, an agenda more than likely imposed by their own upbringing.
The atmosphere is often compet.i.tive and adversarial. The outcome of the conversation oftentimes is defi ned by whose agenda "won" and whose "lost." In addition, if each individual"s underlying hidden agendas are to not appear stupid or not let a man/woman tell him or her what to do, then the playing fi eld is littered with hazards to a well-balanced resolution. It is as if each person"s hidden agenda dictates the outcome. Rarely is it harmonious.
Another type of hidden agenda is when one or the other of the partic.i.p.ants in a relationship feels that he or she must have an "equal" say or wants to control the way the relationship functions. So he or she keeps score. For instance, a woman might complain to herself, Last time we went out, he decided which Last time we went out, he decided which movie we were going to, so tonight we"d better see the movie I want or else! movie we were going to, so tonight we"d better see the movie I want or else!
Now, she may not be aware that she keeps score. The agenda to be in control and have the fi nal say keeps score. She just feels that now it is her turn to say which movie they are going to see.
We have a friend who always resented that her parents seemed to favor her brothers. She grew up feeling certain that men got special treatment and was out to prove not only her equality but also her superiority. She told us that when she R e c o g n i z i n g H i d d e n A g e n d a s R e c o g n i z i n g H i d d e n A g e n d a s 35 35 chose men to date, she had the agenda to pick those who were "less educationally pedigreed," and her whole approach was adversarial. If her partner seemed more intelligent than she, she would express her insecurities by picking a fi ght. Her whole strategy for a successful relationship, prior to bringing awareness to her way of relating, was to intimidate and dominate. It didn"t allow for much in the way of intimacy. Her life choices were controlled by her unaware resistance to how her parents related to the boys versus the girls in her family.
When you are operating through an unaware agenda, you do not listen to what is being said. When you have an idea or a plan about the way something is supposed to go, you only see the relevance of what is being said as it applies to your agenda. True listening is a function of intentionally re-creating the point of view of another. If you are operating through an agenda, you cannot possibly see another"s point of view. You can only see it in relationship, in agreement or disagreement, to your preferences.
FA L S E H O P E.
Agendas often blind you to the truth of a situation because, as it was with Roger"s 6 percent, you have a strong preference for life to show up the way you want it. Here is an example: Julie"s husband told her, "I need to get my own place for a while. It is not personal to you or the kids, but I need to be alone and think about my life. I love you and don"t want to be with anyone else; it"s not about that. I just need some breathing room."
Although this was very diffi cult for Julie, she supported him in his move. This is not to say that fi ghts did not erupt, but all things considered, it went smoothly. The couple kept things relatively friendly at fi rst and continued to be s.e.xually intimate.
It was hard for Julie to see him get a lease for his new place and furnish it, complete with rooms for their children to spend the night. But through it all, he insisted that it wasn"t necessarily 36 36 permanent. "Just give me time," he would say. "If you"re upset all the time, you"ll turn the kids against me." permanent. "Just give me time," he would say. "If you"re upset all the time, you"ll turn the kids against me."
Julie waged a battle within herself to stay centered. In her heart, she loved him and dreamed that things would return to the way they had been-as she remembered them-in the early days of their relationship. And the s.e.x was all the more intense because it wasn"t so frequent, and she really wanted to be with him when she could.
Each time Julie went for an interlude at her estranged husband"s house, it was more and more like a home. First the carpets, then the curtains, then the small touches that he had not wanted to be a part of when they had created a home together. One day, while in his bathroom, Julie noticed condoms in his medicine cabinet. She confronted him. "Why do you have condoms? We certainly don"t need them!" Julie knew full well that her husband had had a vasectomy after the birth of their second child.
"It is not my intention to have s.e.x with anyone else. I have condoms in case something were to happen. You know how important it is to have safe s.e.x in this day and age. I honestly don"t plan to be with anyone else. Why can"t you believe me?"
Even after Julie overheard a telephone conversation her husband was having with his a.s.sistant, where she caught him telling this woman that he loved her, Julie actually still defended his actions to her friends and swore he was coming back to her.
Things devolved from there, but Julie still did not want to see the truth. She really wanted to believe that he was sincere.
Another way to describe Julie"s agenda to have her husband back is false hope. She desperately hoped that he would come home, and this acted like a powerful drug, dulling her senses to the reality of the situation.
Haven"t you from time to time made choices where, in retrospect, you said to yourself, What was I thinking? What was I thinking? P. T. Barnum P. T. Barnum R e c o g n i z i n g H i d d e n A g e n d a s R e c o g n i z i n g H i d d e n A g e n d a s 37 37 once said, "You can"t fool an honest man." Well, you can"t fool an honest woman either. Julie"s unexamined hidden agenda to have her husband come home no matter what kept her from being honest with herself.
PROV I NG YO U R I N D E P E N D E N C E.
Drew is a handsome entrepreneur who is dating and looking for a relationship. But as a young child, he defi ned himself by being "independent." If his mother, father, or friends made a suggestion or request, he routinely did the opposite. In some ways, this behavior may actually have helped strengthen his stamina to get things done. Drew often surprised his family and friends by persevering in the face of terrible odds, but it never occurred to him that many of the challenges he faced were of his own making.
One Friday evening, Drew had a date with a lovely lady in whom he was very interested. He was supposed to leave at seven to pick her up for dinner and a movie. But he didn"t begin to get ready until 6:30, which was not enough time to shower, shave, get dressed, and get to her house on time. It wasn"t as if he"d been busy all day. Instead, he had goofed around, whit-tling away the hours until he was so pressed that he could make it on time only if there were absolutely no unexpected events, such as a phone call he needed to handle or traffi c on the way.
Unbeknownst to himself, Drew is so locked into his agenda of proving his independence and not wanting to be told what to do that he didn"t even want to be told what to do by himself.
This dynamic is commonly labeled procrastination procrastination. He set up the date but then resisted the time constraint because anything that tells him where to go and what to do-even his own schedule-is an anathema.
How many times do we, as individuals, operate like Drew?
We want to have a magical relationship, and yet, mystifyingly, our actions seem to be directly opposed to what we say we want.
38.Let"s tease the Drew scenario out a little further. It is now 6:45 and Drew is rushing to leave. He dumps his clothes in a heap, showers, hastily shaves, and rifl es through his closet in search of the perfect outfi t, discarding this and that until he fi nds something to wear. Now, leaving a trail of destruction behind him, he rushes back into the bathroom, combs his hair, and automatically reaches for his cologne, spraying it liber-ally. Drew freezes midspritz. He has just remembered that the woman he is going to meet has a severe allergy to scents of any kind. He now is pressured by the time and has to make a decision. Let"s tease the Drew scenario out a little further. It is now 6:45 and Drew is rushing to leave. He dumps his clothes in a heap, showers, hastily shaves, and rifl es through his closet in search of the perfect outfi t, discarding this and that until he fi nds something to wear. Now, leaving a trail of destruction behind him, he rushes back into the bathroom, combs his hair, and automatically reaches for his cologne, spraying it liber-ally. Drew freezes midspritz. He has just remembered that the woman he is going to meet has a severe allergy to scents of any kind. He now is pressured by the time and has to make a decision. Oh, well Oh, well, he thinks, it will probably wear off by the time I get it will probably wear off by the time I get there. I can"t be late there. I can"t be late, and he rushes out the door.
Poor Drew. His date is now a recipe for disaster. He really, truly likes this woman. He also cares about her, but his unwillingness to be told what to do, which he is unaware of, takes precedence over his adult aim of having a satisfying relationship. His desire for independence is the background, mostly unnoticed, upon which he plays his life. His reaching for that bottle of cologne and his dashing out the door anyway even after he realizes his mistake acts out his resistance to having his life constrained by this other person"s allergies. Somewhere he resented being "told" not to wear fragrance. He is habituated to automatically challenging anything that seems to impinge on his rights.
In the preceding story, Drew had one agenda to be on time and another agenda to fi nd a mate, yet simultaneously and unawarely he also had the agenda to not be dominated by the requests put upon him by his life. So here we have a cla.s.sic example of simultaneous yet confl icting agendas. You might think that Drew"s story is an extreme case. Not so. Here are more everyday examples: The two of us were invited to a dinner where some of the guests were vegetarians and the host was not. He prepared baked red peppers, some of which he fi lled with beef and the R e c o g n i z i n g H i d d e n A g e n d a s R e c o g n i z i n g H i d d e n A g e n d a s 39 39 others he stuffed with mixed vegetables. But somehow, there just "happened" to be partially cooked ground beef fi lling the bottom of the "vegetarian" peppers. Upon looking at this "mistake," our host realized that his disagreement with his guests"
food preferences was displayed in his fi nished product without his awareness. What might appear as an accident was really not an accident at all but an unconscious agenda in disguise!
A waitress told us that she had a tendency to forget orders or make mistakes when she disagreed with or didn"t like the customers" food choice. She surprised herself by seeing that her agenda to be right about her taste in food was more important than good service, customer satisfaction, and tips.
We have seen one partner of a couple resist the other"s way of doing things even though it destroyed the relationship. We have also seen people fi red from jobs because they refused to follow how the boss wanted things fi led or presented because the employees had to do things their own way, even if it cost them their livelihood.
T H E T E R R I B L E T WO S.
Take a look at any two-year-old. A parent"s admonition not to touch something is the same as a command to touch it.