How to Create a Magical Relationship.
by Ariel Kane.
Preface
After being married for almost a quarter of a century, our relationship still feels new, fresh, and more intimate than ever. But there were times when it did not. When we fi rst met, although there was a strong attraction, we treated each other in ways that were not conducive to creating a magical relationship. It wasn"t that this was our intention; it was the only way we knew how to relate. We both did things that we had seen others do, relating as best we could. However, we were reluctant to look at those aspects of our communication and interactions that we considered to be negative. And if anything was amiss between us, it was surely the other"s fault.
Over the years we have discovered what it takes to build a healthy relationship and keep it alive, nonconfrontational, and fun. We"ve also learned how to sustain and rekindle the fi res of love and pa.s.sion.
In our fi rst book, Working on Yourself Doesn"t Work Working on Yourself Doesn"t Work, we actually created the basis for having magical relationships. That book introduced our Three Principles of Instantaneous Transformation, outlining the difference between transforming your life and merely attempting to change those aspects with which you are not satisfi ed. In How to Create a Magical Relationship How to Create a Magical Relationship, we expand on these ideas and principles as they apply to relationships. In this book, you will fi nd the secrets that we have stumbled upon, learned, and discovered along the way that have allowed us to move from being two individuals who were attracted to one another to a couple with a vital marriage.
After years of pa.s.sionate inquiry into how to have a satisfying life through the channels of school, faith, psychology, yoga, meditation, and self-help courses, we were still at odds with ourselves and each other, hungry for something we couldn"t defi ne. We originally blamed our dissatisfaction on goals we had not yet met. But soon after we got our dream home on Park Avenue in Manhattan, became increasingly successful in our individual careers, and were surrounded by loving family and friends, there came a point where we couldn"t deny that something was still missing. It didn"t seem to matter how great our life circ.u.mstances were, we still would lie in bed at night thinking there had to be more to life than this.
We sold the apartment and virtually all of our possessions, bought a couple of backpacks and supplies, and set off to fi nd ourselves. We only got as far as a meditation center in northern Italy, where we immersed ourselves in furthering our quest for self-realization. It was there that we spent the next two years questioning and examining everything: our thoughts, our culture, our truths, and even if we should remain together.
The last workshop in which we partic.i.p.ated there lasted six months, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. When this course was done, so were we. Realizing it was time to reenter the real world, we returned to the United States. By now we had spent the money from the apartment sale and maxed out our credit cards. So we borrowed a car from Ariel"s parents, rented a room in San Francisco, and looked at what to do next.
About this time, we were reading to each other from a book about a seventeenth-century Zen master. One day, while walking up the hill from the beach, Shya realized that he was living in a manner consistent with the self-realized state described in that book. At that moment, he declared himself "done" working on himself. It was a gutsy move. But within a day or two, the impact of this new reality began to truly manifest itself. We stopped bickering-really stopped. We discovered unplumbed depths of compa.s.sion for ourselves and each other. We truly had spontaneously, instantaneously stopped working on ourselves and each other.
Immediately, other people noticed something "different"
about us, a sense of peace and well-being. They felt better just being in our presence. Soon folks asked us to come to their businesses and talk with their families and friends. They wanted us to describe the way in which we were living and communicate our unique perspective. When we did, they asked for more, and our workshops were born.
We have now spent more than two decades teaching our transformational approach, which has a unique fl avor and is designed to address modern-day circ.u.mstances and complexities while resonating with the universal truths of the ages. And through it all, we have seen over and over again that when Instantaneous Transformation happens, it infuses all areas of life with meaning, a sense of purpose, and well-being and immediately impacts people"s ability to relate.
Whether we are talking about a love relationship or the way in which you relate to friends, family, and co-workers, the Principles of Instantaneous Transformation apply. They cross cultural and gender boundaries, building a strong foundation for real communication and genuine interactions to take place.
How to Create a Magical Relationship is peppered with examples from our personal experiences as a couple and as relationship coaches. You will be transported into the midst of several of our evening seminars for a fi rsthand look at how a transformational approach can support you in having the relationship of your dreams. is peppered with examples from our personal experiences as a couple and as relationship coaches. You will be transported into the midst of several of our evening seminars for a fi rsthand look at how a transformational approach can support you in having the relationship of your dreams.
In Chapter 1, "Creating the Foundation for a Magical Relationship," we discuss the phenomenon of Instantaneous Transformation in depth so that you can begin to recognize it and support it happening in your life. We outline our unique perspective that will allow you to begin the process of having relationships that are easier, more fun, and-yes-magical, too.
We will identify and explore the various corrosive ele-ments that damage your ability to relate. These are the things that unknowingly sour intimacy, curdling what was once sweet and wholesome. Once you know of their existence, you can discover how to avoid these pitfalls.
We will also explain the principles that have helped us rejuvenate our fl agging spirits and repair the wear and tear of daily living. Some of these things you may already be doing so naturally that you don"t recognize them for the powerful relationship- building tools that they are. And then, when you are off center and out of sorts with your partner, you may forget or not realize that you can employ these tools as building blocks to reconstruct a happy, healthy, loving way of relating. At the end of many chapters, we have included simple exercises that will support you in immediately translating the ideas presented in this book from a concept into a practical experience.
Perhaps you are dating or are contemplating dating again.
We will share what that process was like for us and for the many we have helped to move past simply dreaming about fi nding a partner. We have worked with individuals who had given up on ever having a romantic relationship. They have now found their soul mates. When they applied the principles that we detail in the following pages, even people in their fi fties and sixties who never had a working relationship before have found love and lasting, exciting marriages. We have worked with others who after being married for more than three decades have rekindled the fl ames of love, romance, and pa.s.sion after years of merely tolerating each other.
Whether you have a love that burns brightly or are still looking for that special someone, How to Create a Magical Relationship How to Create a Magical Relationship will help illuminate your path, allowing you to circ.u.mvent the barriers to intimacy so you can have a relationship that far surpa.s.ses your dreams. will help illuminate your path, allowing you to circ.u.mvent the barriers to intimacy so you can have a relationship that far surpa.s.ses your dreams.
Enjoy the journey. We have . . . we still are.
Ac k now l ed gm e n t s
Our sincere thanks to all of the folks around the world in our Transformational Community for your courage, support, and partnership. You are our inspiration.
Those of you whose stories appear in this book (you will know who you are, even though we have changed your names!), thanks for being so honest, open, and revealing of your life experiences. We also sincerely appreciate Amy Beth Gideon for so graciously letting us reprint her article, "Why Do I Worry About Silly, Silly Things?!"
We specifi cally thank all those who have helped proofread, edit, promote, and produce this book in all its incarnations. You have been so generous with your time, energy, and commitment to excellence.
This page intentionally left blank W hen you have the courage to see yourself honestly and hen you have the courage to see yourself honestly and do not judge yourself for what you see, then your life will do not judge yourself for what you see, then your life will transform and your relationships will transform along with it. transform and your relationships will transform along with it.
Instantaneous Transformation is like the philosopher"s stone in alchemy that was purported to turn base metals into gold. in alchemy that was purported to turn base metals into gold.
Instantaneous Transformation takes an ordinary, mundane relationship and turns it into a magical one. relationship and turns it into a magical one.
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1.
Creating the Foundation for a Magical Relationship
As you begin reading this book, ask yourself why you have picked it up. Is it because you have heard good things about it? Were you attracted to the t.i.tle or cover? Perhaps you are stuck somewhere on your personal journey toward creating a magical relationship. Or perhaps you are searching for tips to fi x your partner so that he or she is less irritating. Maybe you are simply curious. Any reason is valid. To get the most from all that How to Create a Magical Relationship How to Create a Magical Relationship has to offer, it is important that you begin to know yourself. has to offer, it is important that you begin to know yourself.
Since you have picked up this book, chances are you are interested in having relationships that are rewarding to you and to the people with whom you relate. In the following pages, you are likely to come across things that you do and have done naturally all along that work well in your dealings with others. You will also identify things that are impediments to your ability to have a day-to-day sense of well-being. Both are important.
The ideas presented in this book are a radical departure from working on yourself or your relationship to bring about positive change. This book is about discovering a new way of seeing, a new way of looking at yourself, your life, and your relationships. It will require you to learn a few very simple 1 1 2.principles that can shift the way you relate and the way you think about your life. principles that can shift the way you relate and the way you think about your life.
The two of us have found a far faster and more lasting approach than that of picking on oneself and one"s partner and making endless lists of resolutions designed to force ourselves to behave in a more positive manner. We have discovered the possibility of Instantaneous Transformation.
W H AT I S I N S TA N TA N E O U S.
T R A N S F O R M AT I O N ?.
Instantaneous Transformation is a phenomenon that we will be exploring over the course of this book. This is only the initial foray into an explanation of this complex, yet simple, happening.
Transformation is a shifting in the essence of something.
For example, a molecule of water turns from liquid to solid at thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit. Even though its molecular structure stays the same, ice does not resemble water because it has transformed.
It is a shifting of the way you interact with life so that mechanical, automatic, unaware behaviors cease to dominate your choices. Transformation might be equated to a proactive way of life but not in opposition to anything. Most people have determined their lives either in agreement or opposition to something they have experienced or to which they have been exposed. With Instantaneous Transformation, the circ.u.mstances of your life may stay the same, but the way you relate to those circ.u.mstances radically shifts. Before people"s lives transform, they blame Transformation is sim- is sim- their circ.u.mstances for how they feel.
ply a word we use to However, after transformation takes place, circ.u.mstances are no longer the describe what happens determining factor. It is a state where when you discover how the mere seeing of a behavior pattern to live in the moment.
is enough to complete it.
3 3 Instantaneous Transformation affects all aspects of a person"s life, not merely one area. It is not produced by will or a desire to transform. It happens to a person, and it happens when a person lives life directly rather than thinking about how to live life the "right" way. Transformation is the natural outcome when you bring awareness to your life.
AWA R E N E S S.
Our defi nition of awareness awareness is a nonjudgmental seeing. It is an objective, noncritical seeing or witnessing of the nature or is a nonjudgmental seeing. It is an objective, noncritical seeing or witnessing of the nature or "isness" of any particular circ.u.mstance or situation. It is an ongoing process in which you are bringing yourself back to the moment rather than complaining silently about what you perceive as wrong or what you would prefer.
Most of us have been taught that when we become aware of something, we then have to do something to change or fi x what we discover. With Instantaneous Transformation, awareness itself is often enough to facilitate resolution without doing anything about what is seen.
You could equate it to walking through a large conference hall with the lights turned off. If there were chairs and tables strewn about and you attempted to cross the room directly, you would undoubtedly stumble or fall. However, with light, you could easily avoid all of the obstacles. Merely by illuminating what is, those pitfalls that stand in the way of having a harmonious relationship can be circ.u.mvented. This is accomplished not by rearranging the chairs or tables but by simply bringing awareness to them.
An Anthropological Approach Our approach is anthropological in nature. Rather than being concerned with why people are the way they are, we are interested in seeing the mechanics and dynamics of how people function. An anthropologist suspends judgment to study cultures objectively-not as right or wrong, good or bad, or 4 4 as something that needs to be fi xed or changed, but simply to see their social mores, customs, and standards. He or she observes how a culture operates and interacts. We invite you to investigate your way of relating through this anthropological metaphor. Be a scientist and objectively, without judgment, study a culture of one-yourself. as something that needs to be fi xed or changed, but simply to see their social mores, customs, and standards. He or she observes how a culture operates and interacts. We invite you to investigate your way of relating through this anthropological metaphor. Be a scientist and objectively, without judgment, study a culture of one-yourself.
In order to create a magical relationship, it is important that you learn the art of self-observation without self-reproach.
Most of us do not simply observe how we function. Rather, we judge ourselves, comparing how we are to how we think we ought to be based on cultural standards (or the resistance to those standards). We are addicted to fi xing what we perceive as our weaknesses and faults rather than observing ourselves neutrally. Instantaneous Transformation is not about fi xing yourself to be a better you or fi xing your partner to be a new and improved version of himself or herself. It is about being the way you are. If you simply see how you are without judging, manipulating, or trying to fi x what is seen, this will facilitate the completion of unwanted behaviors.
How? Well, neutrally observing something doesn"t add energy to it-for or against-and everything in this universe needs energy to survive. If you don"t energize your habits, they will naturally dwindle and die away all on their own.
It took the two of us many years to discover how to relate in a way that allowed our relationship to fl ower and grow, be nurturing and deepen.
If you pick on yourself, you will pick on your partner. We have discovered that working on yourself (or your relationship) doesn"t work.
If you want to have a soul mate, not an H OW T O A P PROAC H.
opponent in a never- T H I S B O O K.
To begin with, see if you can read the ending fi ght, the information presented without trying place to begin is with to apply it to your life or your way of yourself.
relating. We realize that this may be 5 5 challenging, but with Instantaneous Transformation there is nothing that you need to work on or do, try to fi x or change, in order to create a magical relationship.
Agreeing and Disagreeing Please hold in abeyance the tendency to agree or disagree with the ideas being presented, because if you pick them apart, you will never get the essence of what is being said. This is because if you are agreeing or disagreeing, you are comparing what is being said to what you already know rather than really listening. Part of the technology of Instantaneous Transformation is to train yourself to listen to the point of view of the speaker rather than think about whether or not you agree or disagree with what is being said. In this case, the written word is the speaker.
To discover something new, you must give up the idea that you already know what is being said. You also have to move past the fear of looking stupid, either to yourself or to others, for not already knowing what you discover. Our request is that you give it a chance. What we are talking about works. It has been proven in the lives of the many people who have mastered the principles in this book. Please know that we appreciate the courage it takes, and we know the discomfort that one goes through in learning any new skill set, and learning the skill set of awareness is no exception.
Agendas Many people will be reading this book with an agenda to fi x something that is wrong with their partner. When this is the case, they will focus on the sections that they feel address their partner"s "problems" and will disregard anything that does not support what they are proving to be true. People gather evidence to support their points of view and disregard anything that does not support them. Take, for instance, the woman who has the idea that men are crude, rude, and insensitive oafs.
Any time a man is kind, gentle, or nice to her, these behaviors 6 6 are disregarded. It is not that she thinks to dismiss them; it is as though there is a fi lter that sifts out anything that does not support her point of view. As you read on, we will explore the subject of agendas in more depth. This will support you in becoming aware of your personal fi lters, which were created by a less expanded, younger version of yourself. Your agendas limit what is possible for you. are disregarded. It is not that she thinks to dismiss them; it is as though there is a fi lter that sifts out anything that does not support her point of view. As you read on, we will explore the subject of agendas in more depth. This will support you in becoming aware of your personal fi lters, which were created by a less expanded, younger version of yourself. Your agendas limit what is possible for you.
Confusion and Paradox There are two possible impediments that you may meet while discovering how to create a magical relationship and learning the technology of Instantaneous Transformation that need to be addressed. The fi rst is confusion. Since this approach is so outside the commonly held reality regarding relationships, confusion will be a common response. This is not a problem. It is part of the process when the mind grapples with new ideas.
There are two primary reasons for confusion. The fi rst is when something doesn"t fi t what is already known the mind gets confused trying to fi nd a place for it, trying to make it fi t, trying to make sense out of it. For instance, if you have been immersed in the idea that having a good relationship is "hard work," then the concept that your relationship can instantaneously transform won"t make sense. There is a prevalent idea in our culture that in order to improve your relationship you have to work on it. So the concept of simply bringing awareness to how you are relating, rather than working on your relationship, may be confusing.
The second reason for confusion is to avoid the domination of the information being presented. In other words, people get confused when something confl icts with an agenda that they are currently holding. For example, the suggestion that you can let go of your past and it no longer has to determine how you are in relationships today, in this moment, is extremely confusing to one who is determined to prove that his or her parents have caused irreparable damage by their dysfunctional way of relating. If you are committed to proving a point of view, such 7 7 as "I am not responsible for how I relate; my parents screwed me up," then confusion is an effective device to avoid giving up that point of view.
The second possible impediment is paradox, which happens when there are two seemingly confl icting or contradic-tory ideas that are both actually true. A cla.s.sic example of paradox would be the statement, "Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink." These are two seemingly contradic-tory statements, but if you have ever seen a river after it has overfl owed its banks in a fl ood, then you know that these two statements are both possible at the same time. In a fl ood situation, there is water everywhere, but you certainly would not want to drink it.
Here is a story that ill.u.s.trates paradox: A master and his servant were crossing a desert. They came to an oasis and decided to spend the night. In the morning, they awoke to discover that their camels were gone. The master said to his servant, "Where are the camels?"
To which the servant replied, "Well, I just did what you always tell me to do."
"What is that?" asked the master.
"You always tell me to trust in Allah, so that is what I did.
I trusted Allah would take care of the camels."
"Ahh," the master replied. "This is true. Of course, you must trust in Allah, but you also must tether the camels."
The paradox in a transformational approach to creating a magical relationship is that there is nothing to do with what you discover. Sometimes, though, things need to be done. For example, if you do something without awareness that is hurtful to your partner, a simple recognition without judging yourself for the behavior can be enough to dissolve the pattern and yet you may still need to apologize.
Learning Something New What needs to be addressed next is how the mind works. It operates much like a computer, sorting information by simi-8 larities to or differences from what it already knows. This is a very useful function; however, it can also work as an obstacle to discovering anything that exists outside the known. larities to or differences from what it already knows. This is a very useful function; however, it can also work as an obstacle to discovering anything that exists outside the known.
Our minds function by extrapolating from our past. They can only suggest possible futures based on what is already known. So if you have never had a good relationship, to conceive of a great one is impossible. It is much more diffi cult to see what you don"t already know because the mind is likely to fi ll in with past information and knowledge that colors the moment. Take, for example, the old expression, "Paris in the the spring."
"Paris in the spring" is a saying that you may have heard many times. But, when you read the statement above, did you notice anything out of the ordinary? Did you see that in fact this quote had a duplication of the word the the? It actually reads "Paris in the the spring." The mind sees what it is expecting to see and often overlooks what is really there. It will rearrange what is actually being said to fi t its logic system.
If you read this book to see if you agree or disagree with what is being said, you will miss what is new because you can only agree or disagree by comparing what is said to what you already know. You will be inadvertently reinforcing all the ways you currently relate, including those aspects of your relationships that you fi nd distressing.
2.The Principles of Instanta neous Transformation
There is a possibility of experiencing magic in all aspects of your life, including your romantic relationships, those with family and friends, or simply your relationship with yourself.
It is our hypothesis that when the Principles of Instantaneous Transformation are applied to a relationship, the result will be partnership, self-expression, and self-fulfi llment. Again, we suggest that you hold in abeyance the tendency to agree or disagree with these principles and merely hold them as a possibility through which you can examine the complexities of relationship.
Following are the Three Principles of Instantaneous Transformation: 1. Anything you resist persists and grows stronger. Have you noticed that if there is something about your partner you don"t like or have tried to change, the more you have worked to change him or her, the more he or she has persisted in staying the same? Eventually, your disagreements with your partner dominate your life and your relationship until they are your only focus. You no longer see the good points, those things that attracted you to your partner in the fi rst place. You see only faults-or what you consider to be his or her faults. So again, Have you noticed that if there is something about your partner you don"t like or have tried to change, the more you have worked to change him or her, the more he or she has persisted in staying the same? Eventually, your disagreements with your partner dominate your life and your relationship until they are your only focus. You no longer see the good points, those things that attracted you to your partner in the fi rst place. You see only faults-or what you consider to be his or her faults. So again, 9 9 10.the First Principle is that anything you resist will persist, it will continue, and it will, in fact, dominate your relationship. the First Principle is that anything you resist will persist, it will continue, and it will, in fact, dominate your relationship.
2. No two things can occupy the same s.p.a.ce at the same time. time. In any given instant, you can only be the way you are. In any given instant, you can only be the way you are.
The idea that if you were different, your life could be different is a useless concept. If you tell the truth about what you see, you will discover that you can only be the way that you are in this moment.
Here is an example: If we were to take a camera and photograph you, when the shutter opens, you are captured exactly as you are in that instant of time. In that moment, you could not have been any different than you were when your image was captured, and nothing can be done to change it. Therefore, it could have happened only the way it did and you could have been only the way you were. In your fantasies, you can construct lots of alternative possibilities, but when that camera"s shutter opened and closed, you could have only been the way you were. Most of us do not realize that our lives are made up of a series of moments that could not have played out any differently than they did.
What we are suggesting is that you cannot be different than you are in any given moment, and everything that has ever happened in your life could have happened only that way because it did. This principle, if truly seen, will release you from a lifetime of regret and guilt.
3. Anything you allow to be exactly as it is without trying to change or fi x it will complete itself. change or fi x it will complete itself. This means that the mere seeing of an unwanted behavior is enough to facilitate resolution. This principle may be a little more diffi cult to grasp than the other two. The idea of merely seeing something rather than doing something about what you see seems wrong or incomplete, as if it won"t accomplish anything. This means that the mere seeing of an unwanted behavior is enough to facilitate resolution. This principle may be a little more diffi cult to grasp than the other two. The idea of merely seeing something rather than doing something about what you see seems wrong or incomplete, as if it won"t accomplish anything.