When you surrender to a request, however, you both win and experience satisfaction as a result.
Many people fi nd surrendering very challenging, because once they are in a relationship, they start competing with their partner. This dynamic can be especially strong for women who compare themselves and their achievements to those of their mate and want to prove that they are equal to, as good as, or, in D o n " t T e l l M e W h a t t o D o ! D o n " t T e l l M e W h a t t o D o !
55.fact, better than a man. It is also strong True independence is for men who have been programmed the ability to surren- not to let "girls" get ahead of them.
Many women have not discovered der to another human that they can just be themselves and still being. Without that include their femininity. They haven"t ability, you are run by seen that they don"t have to be manly in a man"s world. They haven"t rec- a mechanical way of ognized that they can be very potent being-"Don"t Tel and powerful as human beings without Me What to Do!"
force, because force looks really bad on a woman. Of course, it doesn"t work so well for men either.
If you have the choice, the ability, the willingness to surrender, then you are truly independent. It takes a very strong person to say, "Yes . . . yes . . . okay, yes . . . yes . . . sure . . .
alright . . . yes."
If you have the ability to sidestep the early programming of not wanting to be told what to do by another, then you actually have the ability to honestly say, "No, I don"t want to do that,"
when "no" is your truth. When you have the ability to surrender, you become powerful in yourself, and your union with a partner becomes a powerful one. Whether your relationship is new or well seasoned, there is the possibility of surrendering to your life and your partner and having your relationship enter the realm of the miraculous.
Sometimes when approaching the idea of surrendering to one"s partner, people get worried they will lose themselves, get taken advantage of, or become a "doormat." If you fi nd yourself with one of these concerns, then take a step back and realize that dissolving your automatic "no" truly has nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with how you approach your life. Start with noticing your thoughts and att.i.tudes about normal day-to-day activities. For instance, when you brush your teeth, do you still resist "having to"? Or have you ever noticed that you will leave unwashed dishes in the sink and 56 56 then pa.s.s by them throughout the day, even though their mere presence is a request to wash them and put them away? Or how about making your bed, paying that bill, balancing your check-book, returning that phone call, or replacing that burned-out light bulb? When we are talking about surrender, we are talking about developing the ability to be a "yes" to the "requests" then pa.s.s by them throughout the day, even though their mere presence is a request to wash them and put them away? Or how about making your bed, paying that bill, balancing your check-book, returning that phone call, or replacing that burned-out light bulb? When we are talking about surrender, we are talking about developing the ability to be a "yes" to the "requests"
life makes upon you. When you become practiced at being responsive to your environment, saying "yes" to your partner becomes a wonderful dance of taking care of each other rather than a begrudging, list-keeping t.i.t for tat.
Exercises: Don"t Tell Me What to Do!
1. See if you can notice all of the ways you resist being told what to do by yourself and by others.
2. Notice when the phone rings if you hold it as an intrusion.
3. When your partner asks you to do something, notice when you are not wholehearted in your response. (If you don"t have a partner, fi ll in with your supervisor, a colleague at work, a friend, or a family member.)
6.Breaking the Cycle of Unfulfilling Relationships
If you want to create a working, supportive relationship with another, it is imperative that you be willing to be complete in the relationship you have with your parents. The dictionary defi nes complete complete as "lacking no component part; full; whole; entire." But what does being incomplete with your parents mean? It is when you are looking to prove them wrong or right for what they did, or didn"t do, or when you endlessly search for their weak points. as "lacking no component part; full; whole; entire." But what does being incomplete with your parents mean? It is when you are looking to prove them wrong or right for what they did, or didn"t do, or when you endlessly search for their weak points.
When you reference how you are living your life in comparison to how your parents have lived their lives and to what they did or didn"t do for you, then you are incomplete. If, for example, in your opinion they were either there too much and smothered you or they were not there enough and you felt abandoned and misunderstood, these are symptoms of being incomplete. One way or the other, your source of ident.i.ty is in relation and reaction to your parents. If you are saying that your parents are responsible for the way you relate, then you are incomplete with them.
We have seen many adults who were children of highly successful people be failures in life and relationship because they wanted to prove to their parents that their parents did it wrong.
Any time things started going too well, these people would sabotage the possibility of their own success. Being right was more 57 57 58.important than being happy. The aversion to being like one"s parents is nondiscriminatory; you can"t just pick and choose the parts of them you don"t want to be like. If you are trying to not be like them, you will avoid even their "good" traits. important than being happy. The aversion to being like one"s parents is nondiscriminatory; you can"t just pick and choose the parts of them you don"t want to be like. If you are trying to not be like them, you will avoid even their "good" traits.
D O N " T B L A M E YO U R PA R E N T S You can"t be yourself if you are avoiding being like one or the other of your parents, because then you are not living your own life. If you are resisting your parents, or going for their approval for that matter, then that relationship will persist, and each action you take will be fi ltered in a nanosecond through your idea of how they would do things rather than simply being yourself.
If you are still blaming your mother or father for the way you are, you will be handicapped in your ability to have a fully satisfying relationship. Your relationship to your parents is your archetypical relationship to men and women. They did not do it wrong. They were just living their lives as best they knew how, and you happened to be born into that family. Your parents probably didn"t take any courses on parenting or on how to have satisfying relationships. Neither did their parents-nor theirs. Until recently, probably within the last fi fty years, there weren"t any cla.s.ses in parenting or relating. The way people are is the way they learned to be in the families in which they grew up. And, more than likely, your parents did the best they knew how to do.
From a child"s point of view, your parents should have done things differently. Children"s perspectives are centered on themselves and on what they want. They cannot take into account all of the complexities of earning a living, having to relate with other people, and being responsible for the well-being and survival of the family. Children, by defi nition, have an immature and limited perspective of reality and can fi lter day-to-day events only through how these events affect them and their desires, preferences, and wants.
B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s 59 59 At a young age, you made decisions about who your parents were and then have held those decisions over time as though they are true. Most people don"t realize that many of their opinions were formed when they were in a childish temper tantrum or contraction many years ago.
LeAnne"s Story Our friend LeAnne can now laugh at her child"s interpretation of the things her father did "wrong." One rather dramatic childhood memory had to do with a vacation she had with her parents in Greece. While traveling about the country, they stopped at a scenic overlook. Because LeAnne was not tall enough to see over the stone wall that hugged the cliff face, her father lifted her up and stood her on top so that she could enjoy the view. LeAnne was scared by the height, and through her immature perspective, she made up the story that her father was trying to throw her over the cliff. This fable remained in place for years, repeated to herself and embellished over time. Eventually, LeAnne realized that she had made up a very imaginative, creative explanation to justify her fear and further saw that her father had no intention of doing her harm nor had any desire to hurt her in any way. Bringing awareness to how she related to her father released her from her expectation that men were out to hurt her.
Some people reading this book will have had parents who were, in fact, abusive or severely lacking in parenting skills. We do not mean to suggest that some individuals did not experience severe child- If you want a relation- hood trauma. What we are suggesting ship that works, give is that carrying a grudge or having a vendetta with one or both of your up making your par- parents will severely hamper your abil- ents responsible for ity to relate. Even if your parents did things that were insensitive, ill-advised, your actions and start or abusive, there comes a point where living your own life.
60.you must choose between having a fully satisfying life or being right about how your parents did you wrong. you must choose between having a fully satisfying life or being right about how your parents did you wrong.
W H O A R E YO U R E A L LY H U R T I NG ?.
Either you can dwell in the events of the past-real or imagined-or you can include them and move on. This is the Second Principle of Instantaneous Transformation: Either you can be dedicated to reliving the past and trying to fi gure out, change, or blame others for what happened, or you can live your life including but not being dominated by those past events.
Nancy"s Story Here is an example, as told from Shya"s point of view, where a young woman"s vendetta with her father was so strong that it dominated her life and life choices. Nancy"s personal war with her dad turned even a casual conversation into a battlefi eld.
A number of years ago, we were invited to join a friend of ours, Jackie, and her friend Nancy for dinner. We met at a corner bistro, and the four of us were seated at a table near the window. As soon as the waiter gave us a wine list and the menus, we engaged in the kind of small talk you have when you are meeting someone for the fi rst time.
This dinner took place in the era when New York City still allowed smoking in restaurants. Before the waiter returned to take our order, Nancy got out her pack of Marlboros and a lighter, and looking me in the eye, she asked, "Do you mind if I smoke?" Although I don"t smoke and don"t particularly enjoy being in a smoke-fi lled environment, I do my best not to impose my standards on others, so I said, "Go ahead. Be my guest."
Nancy"s response was quite shocking. Her face went white.
She immediately raised her voice. "What do you mean you don"t mind? You lead seminars. You"re supposed to care about people!"
Ariel, Jackie, and I all looked at each other. This outburst was so unexpected. I explained, "Listen, Nancy, you are a B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s 61 61 grown woman. If you want to smoke, who am I to tell you not to? It isn"t about whether I care about you or not; it"s your choice whether or not you smoke and none of my business."
Nancy leapt to her feet, shouting, "How could you be so insensitive? I can"t believe that you would be so uncaring and unfeeling that you would let me smoke in your presence without telling me it is bad for me. You are just like my father!"
And then, without saying another word, she grabbed her pocketbook and ran out into the night.
Jackie later told us that Nancy had never had a successful relationship with a man. Her incompletion with her father kept being superimposed over every man-and indeed, almost every person-she met. Her vendetta with her dad caused Nancy to fi nd fault with all men in her environment, both casually and in potentially romantic situations, and this precluded a meaningful relationship with any man.
As human beings, we have infi nite possibilities. But when your life is based on resisting or punishing your parents, there is only one possibility, and that is reenacting the dynamics you have created with them over and over with other people.
Therefore, your incompletion with one or both of your parents eventually dictates your whole life strategy. It is ironic, because resisting them would seem to give you independence, but it actually ties you to them forever.
Melanie"s Story Melanie kept moving from one boyfriend to the next, and we suspected that she chose them less for love and more for the shock value they had on her family. She dated men of different ethnicities, religious groups, and social backgrounds and tended to end a relationship when the people around her came to like and accept each new beau. At other times, she tended to fi nd men who would beat or abuse her.
Interpersonal relationship was not the only area in which Melanie struggled. After many years of battling her way through college, she fi nally earned her master"s degree in social work.
62.Knowing how diffi cult it had been for her to accomplish this, her family and friends threw a party to honor her achievement. Knowing how diffi cult it had been for her to accomplish this, her family and friends threw a party to honor her achievement.
At this celebration, Melanie approached us, gla.s.s of champagne in hand, and fl atly stated, "Now I"ll get my doctorate. Then my father will listen to me." And then she walked away.
Poor Melanie. No achievement, no relationship will ever be satisfying unless she completes her relationship with her father.
Her life is an endless cycle of actions designed to get his attention-whether through approval or disapproval. Without the benefi t of awareness, a nonjudgmental seeing, she is destined to continue in this unfulfi lling behavior.
A D U LT S U RV I VO R S O F C H I L D H O O D.
A fellow came to see us who considered himself an adult.
According to the story of his life, he had survived his painful childhood. But his interpretation of the childhood he had survived came from the distortions and misrepresentations of a child"s mind.
David had spent many years seeing different therapists and psychiatrists, examining his childhood as a way of explaining his adult failings; depression; and feelings of insuffi ciency, inadequacy, and insecurity. Touch on any aspect of his life and he had a string of chronological events dating back to his childhood to explain why he was the way he was. And most of these explanations pointed to his father as the reason for all of his faults. The traumatic incidents on his list of his father"s wrongdoings tripped off his tongue like a well-worn script.
Everything that David considered a current failing was linked to this list and could be traced back to this familiar story.
When people are preoccupied with their internal conversations about their childhood, they become paralyzed and inef-fective. Their lives become a series of investigations into why they act the way they do and what caused them to be "screwed up." There is a pitfall in rehashing one"s life. It is paradoxical: On one hand, it is laudable to investigate those things that seem to inhibit productivity and well-being. But on the other B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s 63 63 hand, this same investigation can keep you lost in looking to blame something or someone outside yourself for how your life is showing up. When this is the case, then you will keep going back to thinking, If I had a different family, then my life would be different If I had a different family, then my life would be different, or If my parents didn"t get a divorce, then I wouldn"t have trouble If my parents didn"t get a divorce, then I wouldn"t have trouble in relationships in relationships.
There comes a point in each of our lives where there is an opportunity to actually take control. Taking command of your life requires putting both hands on the steering wheel and going forward. If you are addicted to looking at your past to determine your future, it is as though you are driving down the road looking in the rearview mirror to fi gure out what turns are coming up ahead. Then you wonder why your fenders are so dented by life. To take control, you have to let go of your past and be with what is rather than blame things on the history that came before.
What we are suggesting is that there is a possibility outside of the psychological interpretation in which your life is determined by pivotal events that happened in your childhood.
If one chooses to use a psychological model, then those past pivotal moments determine one"s life. This means that there is no possibility to ever recover from those events.
There is available to humanity, at this point in time, a paradigm shift from cause and effect to "isness"-from a psychological paradigm where our lives are determined by events in our past to a transformational approach where things just are the way they are, not because of some prior event.
This is another example of the Sec- ond Principle of Instantaneous Trans- If you are living your formation: No two things can occupy life directly, your child- the same s.p.a.ce at the same time. You cannot be living your life directly if hood experiences you are already preoccupied with fi gur- become irrelevant to ing out why you are the way you are.
You can either be actively engaged in your ability to create your life or thinking about your life.
magical relationships.
64.You cannot do both simultaneously. If you are living your life directly, you discover the possibility of true satisfaction and well-being, a sense of security and capability. As a result, you stop worrying about whether or not you are "doing it right," You cannot do both simultaneously. If you are living your life directly, you discover the possibility of true satisfaction and well-being, a sense of security and capability. As a result, you stop worrying about whether or not you are "doing it right,"
if other people would approve of you, or even if you would approve of yourself.
D I S C OV E R I NG P E R S O N A L R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y.
We once knew a sixty-year-old woman named Susan who was very incomplete with her parents. According to her story, her deceased father had been an angry man. However, Susan mainly had issues with her mother, who was also deceased.
These incompletions kept being replayed with all other women in her life, including those younger than she, such as her daughter-in-law, Megan.
Susan called us for an individual consulting session because she had a problem. It seemed that, in her opinion, Megan was offensive and treated her with disrespect. Her biggest fear was that her daughter-in-law, who was pregnant and about to have her fi rst child, would refuse to allow her to see the baby.
According to Susan, Megan was mean, vicious, nasty, and vindictive. Wanting to fi x the situation, Susan was desperately searching for a way to make Megan like her.
Having discovered that it takes two to fi ght and one to end the fi ght, we explained to Susan that our approach is based upon personal responsibility. We directed her to look at her part in the dynamics of their relationship that produced the disharmony between herself and her daughter-in-law.
Most of us don"t look at our lives as though we are scientists. Usually when something happens that we don"t like, we do not go back and investigate the precursors to that event.
We don"t look at what was said or done that led to the eventual trouble. So it appears to us as though the other person unreasonably got upset, and we rarely look at our our part in the matter of how that person responded to us. What did we do, or not do, that set him or her off? part in the matter of how that person responded to us. What did we do, or not do, that set him or her off?
B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s 65 65 What Susan hadn"t looked at was the fact that she had strong judgments about Megan. She also hadn"t seen that she was jealous about how her son was now paying more attention to his wife than he was to her. She was upset, annoyed, and looking to fi nd fault with Megan. During the course of the conversation, it was revealed that Susan still harbored a grudge for how the couple had planned their wedding years ago. She continued to gather agreement from Megan"s mother and others about how things should have been done differently. Susan had been applying pressure, sometimes silently and other times openly, to get the couple to live their lives according to her idea of what was right. It hadn"t occurred to Susan that her att.i.tude and interference in her son and daughter-in-law"s lives might actually be the instigator of the stress in the relationship rather than it being a character fl aw of Megan"s.
Subsequently, we invited Susan to join us in one of our weekend workshops. It has been our observation that how one does anything is how one does everything. We felt that her partic.i.p.ation would allow her to observe how she interacted with others, thereby gaining further insight into the dynamics of her relationship with her daughter-in-law. We must admit that we were surprised by how events unfolded over the course of that seminar.
On Friday evening, everyone introduced themselves, and people were genuinely excited to be there and meet each other.
Susan fi t right in. By Sat.u.r.day afternoon, however, the dynamics of how she related to others and to her environment began to be revealed. In the afternoon session, we asked everyone how the lunch break went, and a fellow named Alex spoke up. He reported in a very calm manner that he had gone for a meal with Susan and another person, neither of whom he had previously met. He stated that lunch with Susan felt strangely combative, and he had started to feel very irritated with her.
According to Alex, Susan"s questions and comments before and during the meal were driven by her agenda to get what she wanted. He felt that she was pushy and only wanted things 66 66 to go her way, not taking others into consideration at all. Alex actually chuckled at himself. He told us and Susan that in the past, before he knew the mechanics of how his mind worked, he would have started arguing and being belligerent just for the sake of taking the opposite position from hers. With awareness, he was able to sidestep the confrontation. to go her way, not taking others into consideration at all. Alex actually chuckled at himself. He told us and Susan that in the past, before he knew the mechanics of how his mind worked, he would have started arguing and being belligerent just for the sake of taking the opposite position from hers. With awareness, he was able to sidestep the confrontation.
We thought this feedback was extremely valuable to Susan, because her self-perception was that of a "sweet old lady who wouldn"t hurt a fl y." She was totally unaware that she had strong opinions for and against things, even seemingly insig-nifi cant topics such as selecting a restaurant for lunch. When Alex gave her feedback, however, she seemed to disregard his comments as if he were speaking about someone else, and so we moved on.
The next morning as people arrived, we saw another interaction between Susan and another partic.i.p.ant named Helen that was very telling. Helen arrived wearing her favorite straw hat, a recent gift from some close friends. As we stood nearby, we heard Susan comment softly, "Nice hat."
Helen was in the midst of putting down her bag and didn"t hear the comment. She began to look inside her pocketbook for some gum saying, "Where are you? I know you"re in here somewhere." Shortly, Helen found her pack of gum, popped a piece in her mouth, and went to take her seat.
Later, Susan privately expressed to us her experience of what had happened, both with Alex and with Helen. First she said, "It really is too bad about that man with the anger problem."
"What man are you talking about?" we asked.
"Oh, that Alex. Obviously he is a very angry man. I never did anything at lunch to provoke him. And Helen is very abusive also. In fact, she practically ruined the workshop for me."
"What are you referring to, Susan?"
"Well, this morning I complimented her on her hat, and she turned away from me in a huff and totally ignored me. Then B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s B r e a k i n g t h e C y c l e o f U n f u l f i l l i n g R e l a t i o n s h i p s 67 67 she said under her breath, "I only wear this stupid *!#@$% hat because it is hot outside!" "
We were shocked. Having witnessed the interaction, we knew that Susan"s conclusion could not have been further from the truth. She rewrote history to make her point of view right at the expense of her relationships with Alex and Helen. She was now harboring resentments against both of them for events that did not happen the way she remembered them. Susan had taken something that had, in fact, never happened and offended herself with it. The idea of personal responsibility was a foreign concept to her. Susan"s experience was rewritten to reframe circ.u.mstances to fi t her point of view. It became apparent to us that Megan was very likely the scapegoat for Susan"s misinterpretations of life.
To begin with, Susan started from the premise that all of the problems in her formative years were her parents" fault. As her life progressed, this immature perspective was repeatedly replayed with other loved ones as well as strangers. Susan was unwilling to challenge her long-held belief that she was the victim of a string of insensitive people and that she was totally innocent. In her mind, she had no part in causing any of the diffi culties she faced with her daughter-in-law or anyone else.
If you are not willing to honestly take a look at, and be willing to simply become aware of, your part in how your life shows up, then you will perpetually be a victim in your own life. If you want to create a healthy relationship, you must be willing to honestly take responsibility for the dynamics you create. For example, if Susan had had the courage to see herself as the central fi gure in her success or failure in relationship, her ability to relate with her daughter-in-law could have instantaneously made a dramatic shift toward being harmonious. Sadly, however, because Susan was only interested in pointing the fi nger of blame at others, she was destined to continue having diffi cult relationships.
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7.You Are Not the Story of Your Life
If we were to ask you where you grew up or went to school or inquire about your favorite foods, you would be able to supply the answers in great detail. Your story contains the history of your life and relationships, highlighting those wonderful, positive experiences as well as the negative ones.
People defi ne themselves by their stories. If you want to know what your story consists of, start to notice the labels or internal conversations that you have. Here are some examples of the ways in which you might categorize yourself: Man/woman Stupid Single Divorced American Intelligent Not good enough Teacher Good listener Misunderstood From a broken home Christian/Jewish/Muslim Alcoholic No good in relationships Mother/father Too fat Of course, this is just a very limited list that we are using here as an example of some of the labels that people affi x to themselves. If you look, you will fi nd that there are many labels from your own experience that you can add.
69.70.T H E L I M I TAT I O N S O F L A B E L I NG YO U R S E L F T H E L I M I TAT I O N S O F L A B E L I NG YO U R S E L F Your story-whether good, bad, or indifferent-is limiting.
It defi nes what is possible for you in your life. Once in place, a story is self-sustaining. It gathers evidence to prove itself right.
We once knew a lovely young woman named Fran, who had a story that she was not attractive and no one would want to date her. As a result, she was quite unaware that there were men who were interested. One afternoon at the local health club, we were sitting in the hot tub with Fran when a young man came and joined us. His interest in her was obvious.
He asked her name, engaged her in conversation, and paid little or no attention to anyone else. A short time later, after this fellow left, we commented that he seemed to be a sweet guy and it was nice that he was so attracted to her. Fran was dumbfounded. She hadn"t noticed any of the nuances of the conversation or any of the blatant fl irting for that matter. Her story acted like a set of blinders, fi ltering out what was obvious to everyone else.
A computer can only extrapolate from what it already knows or, in other words, out of the information that is contained in it. It cannot conceive of anything outside of its known set of information. It is the same for the human mind.