It is impossible to conceive of possibilities outside the known.
In Fran"s case, she could only imagine a possible relationship that conformed to her story of her life, which suggested that men would not be interested in her. Therefore, she completely fi ltered out those things that did not fi t.
There is a principle in quantum physics that states that a subatomic particle can exist simultaneously everywhere in the universe. A particle has infi nite possibilities of existence until it is measured. Once measured, however, it is forever defi ned by that measurement, and that is its only possibility. Human beings also have infi nite possibilities for their lives. But, as with subatomic particles, the moment you label yourself, you Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e 71 71 restrict your potential from limitless down to the narrow label by which you have defi ned yourself.
Let"s take a moment to draw a distinction between the fact fact that you are a man or a woman, and using the that you are a man or a woman, and using the label label of your gender as a primary source for your self-identifi cation. of your gender as a primary source for your self-identifi cation.
Here is an example: George is a man. He can either fi lter his life events through that perspective-use it as the reason for things that happen and justify his actions by saying, "I am a man, therefore . . ."-or he can live his life as a human being who happens to be male. In the former scenario, his gender dictates and determines his interpretation of his life experiences.
In the latter, the individual that he is determines his life and he just happens to be a man. The fi rst allows no responsibility.
Everything is blamed on the gender he was born with: Because I Because I am a man [or black, white, Hispanic, gay, straight, young, old, tall, short, am a man [or black, white, Hispanic, gay, straight, young, old, tall, short, Christian, Jewish, etc.], that is why people treat me the way they do Christian, Jewish, etc.], that is why people treat me the way they do. The second allows for responsibility, the ability to respond appropriately, to the events that occur in his life.
Here is another example of how taking a fact about your life and using it as a label limits you. Colleen got a divorce, and the separation was painful. Two years later, when she started to get her life back together, she joined a support group that was comprised of men and women who were going through the divorce process. It was helpful to know that she wasn"t alone in grieving and in her sense of confusion and anger at the dissolution of her marriage. However, the group also had a limitation that soon became apparent. Its dynamics were such that people who started to date and have fun were not well tolerated. There was an unstated commitment to being part of a group of "divorcees." As Colleen began dating, the group of friends and acquaintances she had made at this support group subtly, and not so subtly, discouraged her from moving on with her life. She found that as soon as her life included included the fact that she had gotten a divorce rather than being the fact that she had gotten a divorce rather than being centered on centered on it, she was no longer welcome in that group. She no longer fi t the unspo-72 it, she was no longer welcome in that group. She no longer fi t the unspo-72 ken rules that she must be in pain, angry with her ex-husband, and not enjoy the dating process. Eventually Colleen realized that while this group had been useful in the beginning, it was no longer supportive of her desire to have a relationship. She stopped attending, and those people who were determined to continue being bitter faded away as she made new friends, began dating-and living life in earnest. ken rules that she must be in pain, angry with her ex-husband, and not enjoy the dating process. Eventually Colleen realized that while this group had been useful in the beginning, it was no longer supportive of her desire to have a relationship. She stopped attending, and those people who were determined to continue being bitter faded away as she made new friends, began dating-and living life in earnest.
L I V I NG BY T H E RU L E S.
You have a story about the way you are, but you also have one about the way things should should be. You have a system of rules that dictate your behavior, and many of these rules are unexamined. They were given to you or made up by you when you were young. This system includes what is proper behavior in relationships-how a man should be, how a woman should be-and if you blindly live by these rules, any relationship is doomed to fail. be. You have a system of rules that dictate your behavior, and many of these rules are unexamined. They were given to you or made up by you when you were young. This system includes what is proper behavior in relationships-how a man should be, how a woman should be-and if you blindly live by these rules, any relationship is doomed to fail.
If you pigeonhole yourself and use the rules of etiquette to determine your proper behavior rather than looking and seeing what your truth is as an individual, then there is no possibility for true self-expression. The culturally imposed dictates of proper male or female behavior, or the resistance to those rules, run your relationship, if not your life.
As you grew up, you were programmed with overlapping sets of rules, and they confl ict with each other. Here is an example: One day we got into an elevator and pressed the b.u.t.ton for the lobby. Two fl oors down, a woman got into the elevator car. She appeared to be an executive employed in the building. Before reaching the lobby, the car stopped again and two men entered. When we arrived at the ground fl oor, the woman got irritated with the men for not stepping aside to let her exit fi rst. If you were to ask her, she would probably tell you that she wants to be treated equally and that she doesn"t like it when someone is condescending to her because she is a woman. But she also has unexamined rules of etiquette that Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e 73 73 confl ict with her experience as an individual. This type of confl ict can destroy the possibility of having a magical relationship- I want to be an independent woman, but why didn"t you open I want to be an independent woman, but why didn"t you open the door for me? the door for me?
These rules of etiquette, which are culturally derived from the past, may not be relevant or true for you as an individual.
And if you apply them to relationships, you will always be inappropriate. To be appropriate, you must look and see what is true in each moment rather than apply a rule. When you get into the moment, you still have the story of your life, but it loses its power over you.
A T R A N S F O R M AT I O N A L P E R S P E C T I V E.
Reality is a function of agreement. In other words, if enough people agree that something is true, then it becomes the truth.
Ultimately it may not be accurate, but for the moment, by virtue of popular opinion, it is. For instance, there was a time when everybody "knew" that the world was fl at. It was the prevalent point of view and held to be the truth. In our world today, there is the view that we are the result of our upbringing and our experiences and that these experiences have not only formed who we are, but will also determine what is possible for us in the future. From this point of view, our lives are predeter-mined by what has happened in the past. In effect, the story of our lives, left unexamined, has ultimate power over us.
We would like to offer another possibility: a transformational point of view. From a transfor- mational perspective, it is possible to When you disengage notice that you have a story or an idea from your story, the of who you are, but you do not have to believe that this idea is the truth.
facts of your past no What if that story actually has noth- longer determine or ing to do with how you live your life or how well you create relationships from limit what is possible this moment forward? This is what it will for you now.
74.take. You will have to start looking to identify how much of the time that story is actually a complaint. You will need to see how your internal conversation complains about your life and justifi es itself for complaining. take. You will have to start looking to identify how much of the time that story is actually a complaint. You will need to see how your internal conversation complains about your life and justifi es itself for complaining.
Here are some examples of how the conversation that you listen to and believe to be you might sound: I am depressed because it is raining.
I don"t really want a relationship anyway.
My parents raised me wrong.
I am upset because my boyfriend left me.
I am better off alone.
I am no good at dating.
I am a mess because I came from a dysfunctional family.
I am not relationship material.
If you bring your awareness to the conversation you listen to, you will start to recognize certain patterns of thought that heretofore you believed to be true. Again, our defi nition of awareness is a nonjudgmental seeing of what is. Awareness allows for recognition. Recognition leads to resolution. As you recognize thought patterns and do not make what you discover right or wrong (again, awareness is a nonjudgmental seeing), you will not have to believe or engage in these thoughts.
Letting go of your story will take courage-a lot of courage-because the story is familiar. It is like an old friend who has been there with you forever. The story is the known. But with courage, you can be your own Columbus, off to discover a whole new world.
Sam"s Story We have a friend, Sam, who was born with a severe hearing disability-95 percent hearing loss in one ear and 75 percent in the other. He has worn hearing aids since he was an infant.
Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e 75 75 Despite this condition, he was able to lead a relatively normal childhood. He attended a mainstream school, had friends, watched TV, played football, and engaged in the same activities you would expect from a "normal" boy. So up until the time Sam started sixth grade, all in all, it was just an okay story, but things were about to get much more dramatic.
One fall day, when his stepfather came to wake him up for school, Sam refused to get out of bed. Even when his stepfather got irritated, Sam wouldn"t stop "goofi ng around." He just lay there.
It turned out that the day before, while playing a game of touch football with his pals, Sam had knocked heads with another boy. Although the b.u.mp hadn"t seemed important at the moment of impact, the result was that Sam couldn"t get out of bed the following morning because, at the tender age of eleven, he had suffered a ma.s.sive stroke that had paralyzed the entire right side of his body.
Sam had to learn everything all over again, such as how to crawl, how to walk, and how to talk. Before the stroke, he was right-handed, so he had to learn how to do everything with his left. To this day, Sam has spastic paralysis in his right arm.
Pretty good story, right? When we met him, he was defi ned by his story. It made him special, got him attention, and was a compelling excuse for not having a relationship and a great life.
When we fi rst met Sam, he was unkempt, unemployed, and collecting disability. He was rude, and if people reacted to his manner, he would think, They are rejecting me because they are prejudiced against disabled people They are rejecting me because they are prejudiced against disabled people. It never occurred to him that he was rejecting people fi rst out of his own prejudice against himself.
Once Sam started to drop the labels by which he defi ned himself and simply brought awareness to his att.i.tudes, actions, and behaviors, he was able to look objectively and honestly at situations. He became more interested in other people, having friends, and being productive than in perpetuating his story.
76.Today, Sam is no longer a disabled man. He is happily married and is a successful furniture designer and craftsman. By the way, he still has that paralysis and hearing loss. Today, Sam is no longer a disabled man. He is happily married and is a successful furniture designer and craftsman. By the way, he still has that paralysis and hearing loss.
Sam used to hide behind his disabilities. With awareness, he discovered that he had something to do with how people interacted with him. Here is what he has to say about it: "I was twenty-eight when I fi nally met Marie, who is now my wife. Before that time, I"d only had one girlfriend for a total of three weeks. I hardly ever dated. I told myself I couldn"t date because I was handicapped and girls wouldn"t like me. In college, there were lots of girls who were interested in me, I"ll tell you that, but it didn"t fi t my story.
"I just couldn"t hear that people were interested in me, and that was not because I am hard of hearing. It was because I was very attached to the story of being handicapped and being disabled. Sometimes, a girl would give me her name and number, but I wouldn"t call her because I thought she was joking. It just didn"t compute. I thought, Who would want to date me? Who would want to date me? I would come across girls" names and numbers on sc.r.a.ps of paper in my things but just couldn"t put two and two together. I didn"t call them. I kept my story. I would come across girls" names and numbers on sc.r.a.ps of paper in my things but just couldn"t put two and two together. I didn"t call them. I kept my story.
"The few dates I did have, I thought I had to tell my life story, and that really turned the girls off. When I look back at that time, I wonder, What was I thinking? What was I thinking?
"When I started dating Marie, I don"t really recall who initially asked the other out. At fi rst, if we would have a disagreement about something, then the story would kick in- This can"t This can"t work because I"m handicapped work because I"m handicapped, or She won"t really stay with me because She won"t really stay with me because I"m disabled I"m disabled. But now, after ten years of marriage, it hardly comes up and then only for a moment. My story isn"t really relevant anymore."
Sam"s wife, Marie, is a beautiful and intelligent woman.
Originally from France, she graduated summa c.u.m laude in her master"s program from the Sorbonne in Paris. She teaches French and is an administrator in a private high school. Certainly, before Sam brought awareness to his way of relating, Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e 77 77 she would have been "out of his league." If Marie had shown interest, he would have thought that yet another woman was "just joking."
T H E R E A R E N O H A P PY V I C T I M S.
By defi nition, a victim is one who is abused in some way by another or by life"s circ.u.mstances. Have you ever seen a happy victim? One of the prerequisites of being a victim is to be sad or demoralized or upset. Frequently, we victimize ourselves by listening to our own thoughts and believing that what we are telling ourselves is true. For instance, Sam told himself over and over that he was a victim because of his handicaps. As he started to bring awareness to his internal conversations and his behavior, those negative ways of relating started to dissolve.
The shift was instantaneous and it was progressive. As he was honest with himself about how inappropriate his behavior toward others was, those negative ways of relating stopped virtually overnight. As he began to realize that the labels he had placed upon himself were limiting, he began to live his life rather than complain to himself about why he couldn"t have one.
You might be reading this and think, But you don"t understand, But you don"t understand, I am a victim I am a victim. A horrible event has taken place in my life. Perhaps that"s true, but now what? Even if you come from a broken home or an abusive relationship, you can still create a magical relationship through awareness and living your life from this moment of now.
We have yet to tell you another piece of Sam"s personal history. Before he met us, not only was he "handicapped," but he also had another Unfortunate events do dramatic, important component to his happen, but how you story. Sam had been a victim of s.e.xual abuse. From the age of six and continu- proceed in the face of ing until he was sixteen, a man rou- adversity makes all the tinely s.e.xually abused him. For Sam to have the relationship he now has with difference in the quality Marie, he had to fi nd the courage to of your life.
78.stop using the abuse as a justifi cation for not creating a magical relationship. He had to purposely let go of the idea that he was permanently damaged by those traumatic events in his childhood. stop using the abuse as a justifi cation for not creating a magical relationship. He had to purposely let go of the idea that he was permanently damaged by those traumatic events in his childhood.
T H E T H R E E PR I N C I PL E S O F.
I N S TA N TA N E O U S T R A N S F O R M AT I O N.
A N D T H E S T O RY O F YO U R L I F E.
Let"s revisit the Three Principles of Instantaneous Transformation in relation to the story of your life. First, what you resist persists. Therefore, anything that you have resisted in your life story, such as your parents divorcing or your own failed relationships, will persist and tend to dominate your life. Second, no two things can occupy the same s.p.a.ce at the same time. As with Sam, the more he listened to his story that no one would want to be with him, the more he gathered evidence to prove this point of view right and the more that prevented him from dating. His preoccupation with his story kept him from seeing what was right in front of him-available, interested women. Third, anything that you allow to be exactly as it is will complete itself and lose its power over your life. When Sam allowed himself to have his story without resisting it, judging it, or believing it, he began to extract himself from his own unhappy tale.
You can either be right about your story or you can have a life and create the possibility of magical relationships.
Exercises: You Are Not the Story of Your Life 1. As you go about your day, notice the ways in which you categorize or label yourself. 1. As you go about your day, notice the ways in which you categorize or label yourself.
2. Notice the rules you have for how to be in relationships. For example, we have met some women who have the rule, "Women should never be the fi rst to call a man. Wait for him to call you."
Y o u A r e N o t t h e S t o r y o f Y o u r L i f e 79 79 3. Notice when you use the story of your life to justify your current actions.
4. Notice when you use the story of your life and personal history to justify not doing things that you say you want to do, such as date.
Here is an example of what to look for: We once met a man in his thirties who rarely made his bed. He claimed the reason was that his mother never showed him how.
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8.The One Who Listens
The story of your life exists in your mental commentary about yourself and your life circ.u.mstances. Join us now as we return once again to the New York City Monday evening Instantaneous Transformation seminar, as written from Ariel"s point of view. Come explore with us and the other partic.i.p.ants our transformational approach to creating magical relationships. It is also an opportunity to continue investigating the ways in which you categorize yourself.
O L D FA M I L I A R TA P E L O O P S.
Things in the room that Monday evening got quiet for a moment. Well, actually for more than a moment. Sometimes when the topic we have been discussing comes to a natural conclusion, there is a gap. When this happens, the silence becomes deafening as people mentally scramble to fi gure out what to do or say next. Of course, this is the same gap that comes before most acts of creation or before engaging in something new and challenging. It is the time when the mind steps in and tells you all of its reasons why you aren"t up to the task ahead or why you shouldn"t take that risk. You"re too fat You"re too fat, it whispers, you might you might be rejected. You"re too old/too young be rejected. You"re too old/too young, it repeats insidiously. Don"t even Don"t even try. You"re not qualifi ed. You might look stupid! try. You"re not qualifi ed. You might look stupid!
In our evening sessions, these quiet moments are the times when many have to wrestle with this private voice and the idea that what he or she has to say might be dumb, boring, or insig-81 82.nifi cant. Folks are fearful that what they are worrying about others might fi nd unimportant, or they are afraid of fi nding out something bad about themselves. nifi cant. Folks are fearful that what they are worrying about others might fi nd unimportant, or they are afraid of fi nding out something bad about themselves.
As we sat there that evening, our eyes averted to the fl oor so as not to add any heat to the group"s already rising internal pressure, I was reminded of a fi lm I used to check out from the school library when I was in fourth grade. The technology was a lot different back then. It was a lot less sophisticated than what is available now, but when I was nine, it was exciting nonetheless.
In a dark alcove of the bas.e.m.e.nt library at West Gresham Grade School, I would sit watching the small viewing screen on many a morning. I suppose there were many subjects captured on tape for us to watch, but there was one particular short subject that piqued my imagination. Filmed with the aid of time-lapse photography, a plant sprouted, grew, budded out, and fi nally blossomed into a glorious red rose glistening with dew. What a fascinating sequence!
In this system, the tape ran like a loop. Once the rose had fully blossomed, the viewer was suddenly back at the beginning as the tape started over. Since it was spliced together to form a loop, there was no rewinding. It just played as a continu-ous miniature movie, and I watched it again and again.
It wasn"t just the technology that was less sophisticated back then-so was I. On several successive trips to the library, I did my own personal science experiment with that brilliant red rose: I watched that tape many, many times, hoping, waiting, and looking for it to change. I studied it intently to see if I could see a difference in the fl ower as it grew. I wanted to know if the leaf on the left would unfurl itself fi rst, or if, perhaps, the blossom would be a paler shade of red. Over and over I watched that tape loop. Somehow, I had not put it together that it was preset, pretaped, and that the end was linked to the beginning so that there was no chance of its changing. I guess I didn"t grasp the concept that this loop was already completed, T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s 83.fi nished in the past by some other person at some other time in some other place. That tape of the rose was so fascinating, I wanted to believe it was currently alive, and I fervently wished to see it change.
As Shya and I sat waiting for the next brave soul to speak, I knew from experience that many in the room were facing their own private tape loops. These compelling mental recordings are available for viewing or listening whenever we are about to embark on something challenging that requires a leap into the unknown. This is the time when the tape will play the private "don"t make a fool of yourself" message or resurrect some old, embarra.s.sing event from school. Not having caught on that those tapes remain the same, most folks are waiting for the loop to change before giving themselves permission to go for their lives with pa.s.sion. In many instances, I have seen individuals disappointed in themselves because they thought they had progressed beyond such old limited ideas and negative thoughts. They haven"t grasped the concept that these thought loops were already completed, fi nished in the past by a younger version of themselves at some other time in some other place.
As we sat there, I could feel people listen to an old story of themselves as if it were a current event.
I stole a peek at those sitting there, and I knew many didn"t know they were watching a video and listening to a series of recordings. For a lot of folks, there is no distinction between the voice they listen to and themselves. For example, Mindy, a high-powered New York lawyer, came up to us about a year after we had met her for the fi rst time and said, "Shya, Ariel, I have to tell you something really funny. You know how you always tell us that the voice we listen to in our heads is not us?
Well, I just realized that when I fi rst came to an evening and you said something to that effect, I sat in the back row thinking, What voice? I don"t understand what you"re talking about. I don"t have a What voice? I don"t understand what you"re talking about. I don"t have a voice. I don"t hear anything voice. I don"t hear anything. I just realized that this was what you were talking about. The whole conversation I had privately, 84 84 mentally, is the voice you were referring to. It took me a while before it dawned on me that this commentary wasn"t me at all but just a conversation I was listening to." mentally, is the voice you were referring to. It took me a while before it dawned on me that this commentary wasn"t me at all but just a conversation I was listening to."
"Ahh," Shya said to her, "Good for you. Now you"ve caught it. Life is like a movie, and your internal commentary is the soundtrack that is laid alongside the fi lm. It is not a part of the fi lm but something that is added."
"Okay, Mindy," I said with a grin, "I have a riddle for you.
If you aren"t the voice in your head, who are you?"
Mindy"s eyes scanned the ceiling as she computed the question. Her lips moved slightly as they reformed a ghost of the words, "If you aren"t the voice in your head, who are you?"
"I don"t know," she said slowly. "I guess you could say that if I"m not the voice that is speaking, then I must be the one who listens. I"m the person or being, the one who listens to the commentary."
I remember we all smiled as she hit on the truth. We just stood there enjoying each other"s company for a moment as, inside, our collective voices became fairly still.
The stillness on that Monday evening, however, was anything but quiet. It was more like a river, which was swelling, and while the surface might have looked smooth, there was a raging current beneath.
When I was little, one of the books my mother read to me was The Little Engine That Could The Little Engine That Could. It is the story about a train that is trying to build up enough steam to take a heavy load over a hill. He starts chugging along and he says, "I think I can, I think I can," and eventually he says, "I know I can, I know I can," and the Little Engine fi nally makes it.
As the fi dgeting increased, I knew someone"s desire to talk was about to outweigh his or her internal tape. I could swear I heard that Little Engine getting closer. Maybe I could give things a boost.
"Well, we don"t have to stay until ten. We could always end early if there is nothing left to talk about." I did my best T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s T h e O n e W h o L i s t e n s 85.to deliver this p.r.o.nouncement with a straight face, but I wasn"t entirely successful.
"No, no, no! I have something to talk about. I guess I better start talking."
As Linda, a tall, lean woman in her late thirties began to speak, I could tell that she was all stirred up. Of course, it is not diffi cult to tell with her. Linda was born in Germany, and although she has lived in America for most of her adult life, her heritage can still be heard in her accent. When she is agitated or otherwise provoked, the accent becomes more p.r.o.nounced.
"Shya, Ariel, I have to talk about something that is really bothering me."
And I guessed whatever "it" was, was really bothering her, too, because as she said this, her face became chalky white.
This is one of Linda"s not-so-subtle visual clues that something is on her mind. But that night, although her face was pale, there was a fi re in her eyes.
"I"m dating Dan, and I am really enjoying it. I have never felt so good in my life."
"And this is really bothering you?" Shya asked with mock seriousness.
"No!" she said, with a breathless grin as she looked at Dan.
Their budding romance was one that gave me great pleasure, because these were two really great folks who had thought there was something wrong with them. They had never really been in love before, at least not the way they were with each other in that moment. Before meeting us, they had fairly well resigned themselves to the fact that fi nding a relationship would never happen.
"A couple of weeks ago, you gave me a challenge, Ariel."
"I did?"
"Well, actually you both did. You asked, "How good are you willing to have it be?" And you know what? It"s been driving me crazy. I have started to see all of the little ways I sabotage 86 86 myself. Like arriving just a few minutes late for a meeting I promised to be on time for just so I will be a little stressed for the whole thing. Or like with Dan." myself. Like arriving just a few minutes late for a meeting I promised to be on time for just so I will be a little stressed for the whole thing. Or like with Dan."