In a Dark, Dark Wood.
Ruth Ware.
For Kate; for the other three fifths. With Love.
In a dark, dark wood there was a dark, dark house.
And in the dark, dark house there was a dark, dark room.
And in the dark, dark room there was a dark, dark cupboard.
And in the dark, dark cupboard there was ... a skeleton.
Traditional.
I AM RUNNING.
I am running through moonlit woods, with branches tearing at my clothes and my feet catching in the snow-bowed bracken.
Brambles slash at my hands. My breath tears in my throat. It hurts. Everything hurts.
But this is what I do. I run. I can do this.
Always when I run there"s a mantra inside my head. The time I want to get, or the frustrations I"m pounding away against the tarmac.
But this time one word, one thought, pounds inside me.
James. James. James.
I must get there. I must get to the road before- And then there it is, a black snake of tarmac in the moonlight, and I can hear the roar of an engine coming, and the white lines shine so bright they hurt my eyes, the black tree trunks like slashes against the light.
Am I too late?
I force myself down the last thirty metres, tripping over fallen logs, my heart like a drum in my breast.
James.
And I"m too late the car is too close, I can"t stop it.
I fling myself onto the tarmac, my arms outstretched.
"Stop!"
1.
IT HURTS. Everything hurts. The light in my eyes, the pain in my head. There"s a stench of blood in my nostrils, my hands are sticky with it.
"Leonora?"
The voice comes dim through a fog of pain. I try to shake my head, my lips won"t form the word.
"Leonora, you"re safe, you"re at the hospital. We"re taking you to have a scan."
It"s a woman, speaking clearly and loudly. Her voice hurts.
"Is there anyone we should be calling?"
I try again to shake my head.
"Don"t move your head," she says. "You"ve had a head injury."
"Nora," I whisper.
"You want us to call Nora? Who"s Nora?"
"Me ... my name."
"All right, Nora. Just try to relax. This won"t hurt."
But it does. Everything hurts.
What has happened?
What have I done?
I knew, as soon as I woke up, that it was a day for a park run, for the longest route I do, nearly nine miles all in all. The autumn sunlight streamed through the rattan blind, gilding the bedsheets, and I could smell the rain that had fallen in the night, and see the leaves on the plane tree in the street below, just turning to golden-brown at the tips. I closed my eyes and stretched, listening to the tick and groan of the heating, and the muted roar of the traffic, feeling every muscle, revelling in the day to come.
I always start my morning the same way. Maybe it"s something about living alone you"re able to get set in your ways, there"s no outside disruptions, no flatmates to hoover up the last of the milk, no cat coughing up a hairball on the rug. You know that what you left in the cupboard the night before will be in the cupboard when you wake up. You"re in control.
Or maybe it"s something about working from home. Outside of a nine to five job, it"s very easy for the days to get shapeless, meld together. You can find you"re still in your dressing gown at 5pm, and the only person you"ve seen all day is the milkman. There are days when I don"t hear a single human voice, apart from the radio, and you know what? I quite like that. It"s a good existence for a writer, in many ways alone with the voices in your head, the characters you"ve created. In the silence they become very real. But it"s not necessarily the healthiest way to live. So having a routine is important. It gives you something to hang on to, something to differentiate the weekdays from the weekends.
My day starts like this.
At 6.30 exactly the heating goes on, and the roar as the boiler starts always wakes me up. I look at my phone just to check the world hasn"t ended in the night and then lie there, listening to the pop and creak of the radiator.
At 7am I turn on my radio already tuned to Radio 4"s Today Programme and I reach out and flick the switch of the coffee machine, pre-loaded with coffee and water the night before Carte Noire filter grind, with the filter paper folded just so. There are some advantages to the size of my flat. One of them is the fact that I can reach both the fridge and the coffee machine without getting out of bed.
The coffee is usually through by the time they"ve finished the headlines, and then I lever myself out of my warm duvet and drink it, with just a splash of milk, and a piece of toast with Bonne Maman raspberry jam (no b.u.t.ter it"s not a diet thing, I just don"t like the two together).
What happens after that depends on the weather. If it"s raining, or I don"t feel like going for a run, then I shower, check my emails, and start the day"s work.
Today was a beautiful day though, and I was itching to get out, get wet leaves beneath my trainers and feel the wind in my face. I"d shower after my run.
I pulled on a t-shirt, some leggings, and socks, and shoved my feet into my trainers where I"d left them near the door. Then I jogged down the three flights of stairs to the street, and out, into the world.
When I got back I was hot and sweating and loose-limbed with tiredness and I stood for a long time under the shower, thinking about my to do list for the day. I needed to do another online shop I was nearly out of food. I had to go through the copy edits on my book I"d promised them back to the editor this week and I hadn"t even started them yet. And I should go through the emails that had come through from my website contact form, which I hadn"t done for ages because I kept putting it off. Most of it would be spam of course whatever kind of verification you put on it, it doesn"t seem to deter the bots. But sometimes it"s useful stuff, requests for blurbs or review copies. And sometimes ... sometimes it"s emails from readers. Generally if people write to you, it"s because they liked the book, although I have had a few messages telling me what a terrible person I am. But even when they"re nice, it"s still odd and uncomfortable, someone telling you their reaction to your private thoughts, like reading someone"s opinion on your diary. I"m not sure I"ll ever get used to that feeling, however long I write. Maybe that"s partly why I have to gear myself up for it.
When I was dressed, I fired up my laptop and clicked slowly through the emails, deleting as I went. v.i.a.g.r.a. A promise to make me "satisfy my woman". Russian cuties.
And then ...
To: Melanie Cho; [email protected]; T Deauxma; Kimayo, Liz; [email protected]; Maria Tatibouet; Iris P Westaway; Kate Owens; [email protected]; Nina da Souza; French, Chris From: Florence Clay Subject: CLARE"S HEN!!!
Clare? I didn"t know any Clares except ...
My heart began beating faster. But it couldn"t be her. I hadn"t seen her for ten years.
For a minute my finger hovered irrationally over the delete b.u.t.ton. Then I clicked, and opened up the message.
HI ALL!!!.
For those of you who don"t know me, my name is Flo, and I"m Clare"s best friend from university. I"m also drum roll her maid of honour!! So in time honoured fashion I will be organising her HEN DO!!!
I"ve had a word with Clare and as you can probably guess she doesn"t want any rubber p.e.n.i.ses or pink feather boas. So we"re going to have something rather more sophisticated a weekend away near her old college stamping ground in Northumberland although I think there may be a few naughty games snuck in under the radar!!
The weekend Clare has chosen is 14th 16th November. I know this is VERY short notice, but we didn"t have a lot of choice between work commitments and Christmas and so on. Please RSVP promptly.
Love and kisses and hoping to meet old friends and new very soon!!!!
Flo x.x.x I sat, frowning uneasily at the screen, chewing the side of my nail, trying to figure it out.
Then I looked again at the "to" list. There was one name on there that I recognised: Nina da Souza.
Well, that settled it. It must be Clare Cavendish. There was no-one else it could be. And I knew or thought I remembered that she"d gone to university at Durham, or maybe Newcastle? Which fitted with the Northumberland setting.
But why? Why had Clare Cavendish asked me to her hen night?
Could it be a mistake? Had this Flo just plundered Clare"s address book and fired off an email to anyone she could find?
But just twelve people ... that meant my inclusion could hardly be a mistake. Right?
I sat, staring at the screen as if the pixels could provide answers to the questions shifting queasily in my gut. I half wished I"d just deleted it without even reading.
Suddenly I couldn"t sit still any longer. I got up and paced to the door, and then back to my desk, where I stood, staring uneasily at the laptop screen.
Clare Cavendish. Why me? Why now?
I could hardly ask this Flo person.
There was only one person who might know.
I sat. Then quickly, before I could change my mind, I tapped out an email.
To: Nina da Souza From: Nora Shaw Subject: Hen???
Dearest N, Hope you"re well. Must admit I was a bit surprised to see us both on the list to Clare"s hen night. Are you going? xx And then I waited for a reply.
For next few days, I tried to put it out of my mind. I busied myself with work trying to bury myself in the knotty minutiae of the copy editor"s queries but Florence"s email was a constant distracting presence in the back of my mind, like an ulcer at the tip of your tongue that twinges when you least expect it, the ragged nail that you can"t stop picking. The email got pushed further and further down the inbox, but I could feel it there, its "unreplied" flag like a silent reproach, the unanswered questions it posed a constant niggle against the background of my daily routine.
Answer, I begged Nina in my head, as I was running in the park, or cooking my supper, or just staring into s.p.a.ce. I thought about calling her. But I didn"t know what I wanted her to say.
And then, a few days later, I was sitting having breakfast and scrolling idly through twitter on my phone, when the "new email" icon flashed.
It was from Nina.
I took a gulp of coffee and a deep breath, and clicked to open it.
From: Nina da Souza To: Nora Shaw Subject: Re: Hen???
Dude! Long time no chat. Just got yr email I was on lates at the hospital. Christ, in all honesty it"s the last thing I want to do. I got the wedding invitation a while back but I was hoping I"d escaped the hen. R you going? Shall we make a pact? I"ll go if you go?
Nx I drank my coffee while I looked at the screen, my finger hovering over "Reply" but not quite clicking. I"d hoped Nina would answer at least some of the questions that had been buzzing and building in my head over the last few days. When was the wedding? Why invite me to the hen, but not the wedding? Who was she marrying?
Hey, do you know ... I started, and then deleted it. No. I couldn"t ask outright. It would be tantamount to admitting I hadn"t the first clue what was going on. I"ve always been too proud to admit to ignorance. I hate being at a disadvantage.
I tried to push the question to the bottom of my mind while I dressed and had a shower. But when I opened up my computer there were two more unread emails in my inbox.
The first was a regretful "no thanks" from one of Clare"s friends, citing a family birthday.
The second was another email from Flo. This time she"d attached a read receipt.
To: From: Florence Clay Subject: Re: CLARE"S HEN!!!
Dear Lee, Sorry to chase, but just wondering if you got my email the other day! I know it has been a while since you saw Clare, but she was so hoping you might be able to come. She often talks about you, and I know feels bad that you lost touch after school. I don"t know what happened, but she"d really love for you to be there won"t you say yes?! It would really make her weekend complete.
Flo x.x.x The email should have made me feel flattered that Clare was so keen for me to be there, that Flo had gone to such trouble to track me down. But it didn"t. Instead I felt a surge of resentment at being nagged, and a sense of invaded privacy at the read receipt. It felt like being checked up on, spied upon.
I shut down the email and opened up the doc.u.ment I was working on, but even as I got down to it, pushing all thoughts of the hen determinedly from my mind, Flo"s words hung in the air like an echo, niggling at me. I don"t know what happened. It sounded like a plaintive child. No, I thought bitterly. You don"t. So don"t go prying into my past.
I had sworn never to go back.
Nina was different Nina lived in London now, and she and I ran into each other occasionally around Hackney. She was as much part of my London life as my Reading one now.
But Clare Clare was resolutely part of the past and I wanted her to stay there.
And yet small part of me a small nagging part, that p.r.i.c.ked at my conscience didn"t.
Clare had been my friend. My best friend, for a long time. And yet I"d run, without looking back, without even leaving a number. What kind of friend did that make me?