Sister: "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."
Brother: "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
Sister: "I know it, but he won"t let me read the letter and I don"t know what to confess."
"I"d like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
"I don"t blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
"Huh! Yuh talks "bout sa.s.siety like yuh knows so much "bout it. n.i.g.g.ah, I bet dey don" eben have evenin" dresses whah yuh come frum."
"Zat so? Dey"s doin" well to have evenin"s whah yuh come frum."
Second-story Worker: "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What did it cost you?"
Burglar: "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
"What"s that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
"That"s an engine boiler," said the guide.
"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the affirmative answer late at night.
"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I"d think twice before I married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the night rates."
TOO ENTHUSIASTIC.
Wifey: "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
Hubby: "Why, certainly, my dear. I"m very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!"
"You needn"t be so enthusiastic as all that!"
BAD BOTH WAYS.
Dobb: "What"s that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
Botham: "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
"And did you post it?"
"No; she forgot to give it to me!"
HIS LITTLE MISTAKE.
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the village butcher"s.
"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave you the other day?"
Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under the counter.
"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of confidence, "it ended like they all end."
"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"
And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived happy ever after."
"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."
"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story."
TOUGH ON THE SENATOR.
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?"
"You"ll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to heaven."
REDEEMING TRAIT.
"I know I"m old, but I"m crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I"ll leave all my fortune to you if you"ll have me."
"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
"You dear old thing. Of course I"ll marry you. And we"ll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won"t we?"
OFF.
There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note: "Dear Miss Brown,-I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins "Dear George." I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas."
NOT A FATHER.
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.
"Hush, he ain"t no father," said the other, "he"s got a wife and two kids."
WEDDING DECLARED OFF.
John Willie (pleadingly): "Why can"t we be married right away, Elsie?"
Elsie (coyly): "Oh, I can"t bear to leave father alone just now."
John Willie (earnestly): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time."
Elsie (freezingly): "Sir!"
PERHAPS!.
"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.
"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven"t I got a quack?"
A Northern man in an optician"s shop in Nashville overheard an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an extraordinary-looking
instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter. The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer," replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat"s what I was afeared it was!"
In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven"t much ready cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you deal in?"
"Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.
The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after a short debate the ferryman turned to his pa.s.sengers and remarked, anxiously: "We"ll just tak" your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what micht come over us."