NO DOUBT.
"Lend me ten, Tom."
"I think not."
"You won"t?"
"I won"t."
"You"ve no doubt of my character, have you?"
"I haven"t."
"Well, why won"t you, then?"
"Because I have no doubt of your character."
Officer (drilling recruits): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you do?
Recruit: I yell.
Officer: Yell what?
Recruit: Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
Doctor (at door, to butler): Tell your master the doctor is here.
Butler: The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving n.o.body.
Young Woman (holding out hand): Will you please tell me how to p.r.o.nounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?
Jeweler (after inspecting it): The correct p.r.o.nunciation is "gla.s.s."
Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for several nights. He didn"t like it, and growled to his boss: "You"ve kept me workin" every night till 9 o"clock for three nights runnin" now, and I"m worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain"t no machine. I can"t go forever." His boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever next pay day."
The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I"ve got a message for you, sir."
Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: "It"s time to get up."
A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place: "You"ve stolen no chickens?"
"No, sah."
"Have you stolen any geese?"
"No, sah."
"Any turkeys?"
"No, sah."
The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo" de Lawd, squire, if you"d said ducks you"d "a" had me."
A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister"s new baby.
He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby"s basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn"t she rather young for that sort of thing?"
THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS.
"I can read my husband like a book."
"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."
"What did she say?"
"Will that be all?"
NO KICK COMING.
Merchant: Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.
Agent: Well, isn"t that proof that you"ve had a burglar?
NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT.
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones: "Never mind, my man, you"ll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that"s the way in the world."
"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.
"Nonsense!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the vicar.
"There ain"t no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It"s through smiling at another chap"s girl that I"m here now."
TOO TRUE.
Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.
Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.
CONSERVATIVE.
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.
A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
"No, no! Square toes-must have square toes," he insisted.
"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fashionable this season."
"I"m sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. "I"m very sorry to have troubled you, I"m sure. But, you see, I"m still wearing my last season"s feet!"
HE HAD HEARD OF THEM.
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour." Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?"
"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George Washington."
Mr. Goodsole: "Well, what do you want?"
Benny the b.u.m: "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off"n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an" I"ll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun" me."
WHAT DID HE MEAN?
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting.
When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported: "Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."
"Well," said the boss, "that"s the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"
"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."
TRUE TO LIFE.