"Cor! What does that mean?"
"It means the skin"s been cut off the end."
"How old were you when they did that?"
"About two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"It sure did. I didn"t walk for a year."
Now young Tom, born and brought up in the city, was given a chance to visit his cousin who lived on a farm in the country. It was all very strange to him, particularly when he went into the milking shed and saw all the cows attached to the milking machines and the milk pouring out into the buckets. As soon as he was left alone, he decided to attach the machine to his d.i.c.k to see how it felt.
Some time later, his cousin returned to find Tom writhing on the floor in great distress.
"What the h.e.l.l"s going on?" exclaimed his cousin.
"Help me, please help me. I stuck my d.i.c.k in your milking machine and I can"t get it out. This is the eighteenth time I"ve come!"
"Well now, Tom," said his cousin, "I don"t think I can turn the machine off either, but don"t fret. We"ll feed you and look after you. The good news is that it"s only set for a gallon and then it"ll automatically switch off."
CHAPTER 2.
LEAVING SCHOOL.
When it came to jobs, the Sharpes" had a great tradition in the iron and steel industry.
Johnny"s mother used to iron while his father used to steal. Eventually, the time came for Johnny to leave school and he took up his first job as a carpet fitter. Alas, he was soon on the dole after asking his first female customer if she would enjoy a good springy s.h.a.g and would she like felt underneath?
Fortunately the employment sun shone again and Johnny became a specialist in the baking industry in the West Country - he got the job of putting the hairs on the Cornish pasties.
CLUBBING.
A naive young man was encouraged to dance with one of the village girls. As the dance became faster, one of the girl"s earrings dropped off and fell down her back.
"Be a darling and get that for me," she asked her partner.
"Yes," he stammered, but the more he reached for it, the further down her back it fell.
"Ahem," he said, blushing madly. "I feel a perfect a.r.s.e."
"Really? Thank you, my t.i.ts are pretty good as well."
There"s a badminton compet.i.tion at the local leisure centre and a young man, seeing a girl all on her own, decides to go and ask her if she would like to team up with him for a doubles match. Much to his astonishment she yells at the top of her voice, "How dare you. No I will not join you for a quickie in the back of your car!"
The room falls silent and all eyes are turned to the young man who shuffles away totally embarra.s.sed and humiliated.
Ten minutes later the girl approaches him full of apologies and explains that she is experimenting with people"s reactions to different situations as part of her thesis on human behaviour. As she finishes talking he exclaims very loudly, "200! You"ve got to be joking, I can get it much cheaper elsewhere."
Tom was so shy he"d never had the courage to ask a girl out so his mate Jack decided to take him out on the town and get him laid. Halfway through the evening they were drinking in a nightclub when a girl at the other end of the bar winked at Tom.
"Hey, Jack," he stuttered, "that girl over there winked at me.
What shall I do?"
"Wink back," said Jack.
A little later she smiled at him.
"Hey, Jack, she"s smiling at me now."
"Well, smile back," said Jack.
A moment later he turned to his mate again and gasped, "Jack, Jack, she"s just leant forward and shown me her t.i.ts.
What should I do?"
"Show her your nuts," said Jack who was busy chatting up someone else.
So Tom turned to face the girl, put one finger in his ear, one finger up his nose and hollered like a jacka.s.s.
Dancing together for the first time, the man turned to his partner and said, "My dear, do you know the minuet?"
"Good gracious, no, I don"t even know all the men I"ve laid."
Three men went out on the town and landed up at a sleazy nightclub. As they drank their beers, a naked go-go dancer performed on the table in front of them and at the end of the dance the audience showed its appreciation by throwing her money. The first man grinned at his mates, took 10 out of his pocket and stuck it on the girl"s backside. The second man got out a 20 note and stuck it on her f.a.n.n.y. Now the third man had almost spent up but he didn"t want to be financially embarra.s.sed in front of the other two. Suddenly, he had a great idea, he took out his credit card, swiped it down her crack and took the 30.
THE MOVIES.
Taking his girlfriend to the cinema, the man"s wig fell off when they were canoodling in the back row. As he felt around trying to find it, his hand accidentally went up his girlfriend"s skirt.
"Oooh..." she moaned, "Go on, go on, that"s it."
"No, it can"t be," he said. "I part mine on the right."
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when she was suddenly attacked by a huge wolf.
"At last, at last," laughed the wolf. "I"m going to eat you all up."
"Oh sod it," said Little Red Riding Hood, "doesn"t anyone f.u.c.k these days?"
While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her.
"Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?" Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies, "Not very short, some around 5 foot."
"Are you sure there aren"t any nuns about 3 foot in height?"
he persists.
"No, no, no one like that."
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies, "She said they don"t have any."
On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: "Dopey"s f.u.c.ked a penguin, Dopey"s f.u.c.ked a penguin."
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip to Dartmoor and as they lay down for the night Sherlock Holmes said, "Doctor Watson, my old friend, when you look up into the darkness, please tell me what you see."
"Well, I can see a very clear sky, there are no clouds and the stars are out in their millions. I can see the Milky Way and I believe that extra bright star over there is the planet Venus which you can see at this time of the year. I would also deduce that being such a clear night will mean that it will get quite chilly."
Watson laughed and said, "But knowing you, Sherlock, I"m sure there are many things I have missed. What have you deduced?" There was a moment"s silence and then Holmes replied, "Somebody"s nicked our tent."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding through the desert before landing up at p.r.i.c.kly Gulch Creek where they go into the saloon for a much needed drink.
They"ve only been in there a few minutes when a man runs in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.
"That"s mine," replies the Lone Ranger. "Is there anything wrong?"
"Sure is, the animal"s collapsed," says the man.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some water he seems to revive a bit. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, "Will you just run around him for a few minutes so he can feel a breeze and that"ll soon put him right."
Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his drink. A moment later another man rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.
"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," says the Lone Ranger. "That"s mine, now what"s wrong?"
"Oh your horse is alright," says the man, "but you"ve left your injun running."
Two women are watching a film in the cinema when one turns to the other in surprise.
"You"re not going to believe this, Mav, but the man sitting next to me is masturbating."
"Dirty b.u.g.g.e.r, just ignore him," she hisses.
"I can"t, he"s using my hand."
A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper suit and is immediately arrested by the sheriff for rustling.
A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.
"I"ve been itching to do that for a long time," he says, "that b.l.o.o.d.y noise has been driving me mad."
The barman beckons the man to one side.
"Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the barrel."
"Is that supposed to make me a better shot?" asks the cowboy.