PART I.
CHAPTER 1.
THE EARLY DAYS.
Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like coming out of the cinema in the afternoon having watched a romantic film - all that bright light and everyone crying.
Johnny"s was a notable birth. He was so ugly the nurse slapped his mother. His mother put shutters on the pram and the only people to cuddle him were scientists. Johnny has gone on to record a multiple birth - well, put it like this ... like Boots, he has branches all over England.
THE NEW ARRIVAL.
The wife"s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her, he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
"How"s it going?" she asked anxiously.
"Not bad," he smiled, "they"ve got four out and there"s only one to go."
"Aaah," she screamed, and fainted.
The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband.
"Darling, it"s a miracle, the doctor says I"m pregnant, isn"t that wonderful? You"re going to be a father."
"That"s great" replied the husband. "By the way, who is this?"
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have a baby. The following day, his boss asked him what it was - a boy or a girl.
"Too early to say," said Johnny." "it"ll be another 9 months before we know the answer to that."
"Doctor, doctor, I"m so worried," said the anxious man.
"Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son"s just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?"
"Not necessarily," replied the doctor. "How many times do you have s.e.x?"
"About 5 times a year."
"Well, there"s your answer then, you"re just a little rusty."
MA AND PA.
Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the house calling to him.
"Daddy, daddy, what"s s.e.x?" asks the boy.
For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his son has asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds and the bees, then human relationships, love, the s.e.x act, having babies - in fact he does a pretty good job of covering every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how oddly his son is looking at him.
"Why did you want to know?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in two secs."
Man to son: Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, it"ll make your p.e.n.i.s look bigger.
"Mummy, mummy, I"ve discovered how babies are made.
I saw daddy put his w.i.l.l.y in your mouth last night."
"No, that"s not right," replied mummy, "that"s how I get my expensive jewellery."
"Mummy, mummy, what"s a p.u.s.s.y?" asked the small boy. His mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a cat.
"That"s a p.u.s.s.y," she said.
"Mummy, mummy, what"s a b.i.t.c.h?" continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn"t convinced so he went to his father and asked him what a p.u.s.s.y was. Dad went to his magazine, opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
"There you are, son," he said, "that"s a p.u.s.s.y."
Then the little boy asked him what a b.i.t.c.h was and dad replied sadly, "Everything outside the circle, son."
"Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?" exclaimed the little boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on daddy.
"Just flattening daddy"s tummy," mum replied.
"I wouldn"t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will only blow it up again."
"Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight?"
"Sshh John, don"t talk like that in front of the children. Let"s use code. Whenever you feel like it, just say, "How about turning the washing machine on."
A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said, "Shall I put the washing machine on tonight?"
"Don"t bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by hand."
A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they"re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man"s nose and tells him to blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut pops out. Sometime later the parents are talking and mum comments, "Our Vera"s got a clever boyfriend there. I wonder what will become of him."
"I"ll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he"ll be our son-in-law," came the reply.
An 18-year-old boy says to his father, "Dad, I keep getting these terrible urges, what can I do about it?"
"I think you"d better go and see my friend Bob, he"s a s.e.x therapist, I"m sure he"ll be able to help. Pop round to his house this evening."
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there"s no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is opened by Bob"s wife who tells him the therapist has been called away on urgent business.
"Can I help at all?" she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks him how the treatment is going.
"It"s great now, dad," smiles the boy. "The therapist"s wife has got more brains between her legs than he has in his head."
The little girl"s mother was entertaining her next door neighbour when her little daughter walked in.
"h.e.l.lo, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?" she asked.
"No I"m not, why do you ask?" said the puzzled neighbour.
"Mum says if there"s any dirt about you"ll dig it up."
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy"s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.
When he got back inside his mother was furious.
"How dare you!" she fumed.
"For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs."
Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.
"Well!" she exclaimed. "And you tell me off just for sucking my thumb."
A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would like for Christmas.
"A baby brother please," he replied.
"I"m sorry, son, there"s not enough time, it"s only 3 weeks to Christmas."
"Well, can"t you put more men on the job?" the son suggested.
The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, "Dad, dad, the bull"s f.u.c.king the cow."
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, "Next time, son, be a little less explicit.
You should have said.
"The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes from a.s.sociating with riff-raff."
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
"Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows."
"Well done, son, you"ve remembered what I told you, but you should have said the bull is surprising the cow ... it can only surprise one cow at a time, you know."
"But he can, dad," insists the boy "He"s f.u.c.king the horse."
One evening father pa.s.sed his daughter"s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say, "G.o.d bless mummy, G.o.d bless daddy, G.o.d bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma."
How odd, thought father, but he didn"t want his daughter to know he"d been listening so he didn"t say anything to her. But tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter praying again.