I used to be happy as your little queen, But now every night you"re no where to be seen You come home from work just able to creep, I feel like s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g, but you want to sleep..
Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed, Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.
I play with your p.e.c.k.e.r all wrinkled and dry, I get so d.a.m.n mad, I could lay down and cry..
I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes, I"ve played with your b.a.l.l.s, but your p.e.c.k.e.r wont rise, So I"ll find me a man who works eight hours a day, And while you"re on O.T., we"ll proceed to make hay..
For in this whole world, there is only one sin, For which there is no pardon, and never has been, And that is a man who"s so foolish and mean, That he gives up his f.u.c.king to run a machine..
Loving Hate Mail.
Loving Hate Mail
1 "The great love that I have for you.
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you.
3 grows every day. When I see you.
4 I do not even like your face.
5 the one thing that I want to do is to.
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to.
7 marry you. Our last conversation.
8 was very boring and has not.
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find.
12 life very difficult, and I would have no.
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart.
14 to give, but it is not something that.
15 I want to give to you. No one is more.
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not.
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that.
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor.
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try.
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of.
22 things that do not interest me. You have no.
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me.
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that.
25 I am still your boyfriend."
READ BETWEEN THE LINES (i.e. Read 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13).
The Farmer And His Boys.
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it"s paid for, we"ll get you a car".The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we"ll see about getting you your scooter."
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father"s explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it"s rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen"s back, mumbling to himself.
His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that?He didn"t do anything to deserve that."
The third son replied, "Hey, n.o.body around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"
Lifes Little Instructions.
* On my hair dryer instructions: Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap, it says: Directions: Use like regular soap.
* I have a frozen dinner at home that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
* On Tesco"s Tirimisu Dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box). I........
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
* On Boots Children"s Cough Syrup: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.
* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children..
* On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a j.a.panese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
* On Sainsbury"s Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Chicken Wire.
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor"s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You d.a.m.n fool! You can"t catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You d.a.m.n fool! You can"t catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It"s a p.u.s.s.y willow."
"Wait up...I"ll get my hat."
Your Mama Is So Fat.
Your Mama Is So Fat: The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
When she hauls a.s.s she has to make two trips.
They had to grease a door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her through.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
Instead of Levi"s 501 jeans she wears Levi"s 1002s.