When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
When I yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!" she comes crashing through the wall.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her a.s.s has its own congressman.
Her belt size is "Equator"
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When G.o.d said "Let there be light" he told her to move her fat a.s.s out of the way.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver"s license says "Picture continued on other side."
She can"t even jump to a conclusion.
Her nickname is "d.a.m.n!"
She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
The shadow of her a.s.s weighs 100 pounds.
When her beeper goes off people think it"s cause she"s backin up.
Check The Brakes.
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before s.e.x often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the h.e.l.l, I"ll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn"t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to o.r.g.a.s.m, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the o.r.g.a.s.m, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What"s going on down there?"
The man replied, "I"m checking out the rear axle, it"s busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you"re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake.
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn"t mean to trip over you, but I"m blind and can"t see."
"That"s perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn"t mean to trip you, but I"m blind too, and I didn"t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don"t know," said the bunny. "I"m blind, and I"ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you"re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can"t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn"t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You"re hard, you"re cold, you"re slimy and you haven"t got any b.a.l.l.s... You must be a lawyer."
Chemical Description Of Women.
Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam Atomic Ma.s.s: Accepted as 50 Kg, but varies from 45 Kg to 250 Kg PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Surface usually lined with painted film (in the order of 0-6m to 0-3m).
2.- Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3.- Melts if given special treatment.
4.- Bitter if used incorrectly.
5.- Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6.- Yields to pressure applied at the correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES.
1.- Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones 2.- Absorbs large quant.i.ties of expensive substances.
3.- May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason.
4.- Insoluble in liquids, but alcohol saturation increases activity.
5.- Most powerful income-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USE.
1.- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.- Can be a great aid to relaxation.
4.- Useful for general cleaning, scrubbing, washing, rubbing, etc.
TEST.
1.- Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state.
2.- Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.
HAZARDS.
1.- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.- Illegal to posses more than one.
Feeling Like A Woman.
In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane pa.s.ses through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses her nerve. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I"m too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I"m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I"ve had plenty of love making in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I"ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He"s gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unb.u.t.toning his shirt one b.u.t.ton at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in antic.i.p.ation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
More And More b.u.mPER STICKERS.
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you"re an idiot."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the pa.s.sengers in his car...."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"Sorry, I don"t date outside my species."
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"If we aren"t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"According to my calculations the problem doesn"t exist."
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you"re unique, just like everyone else."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be a.s.simulated."
"If you can read this then I have lost my caravan."