The barman hands them to him and sadly shakes his head.
"I suppose this means you"ve lost one of your brothers, I"m very sorry."
"Oh no, not at all," replies the man, "but I"ve had to give up drinking."
The miserable old prat had just ordered a pint of beer when he was taken short and had to rush to the toilet. Before leaving, he spat into his pint and announced loudly, "That"s mine."
A bloke next to him also spat into the pint and said, "You can keep it."
RED LIGHT AT NIGHT.
A prost.i.tute is knocked down by a car and a man runs over to help her.
"Are you alright?" he asks.
"I don"t know," she replies. "I don"t think I can see."
"Well, how many fingers am I holding up?" he says.
"Oh no," she wails, "I"m paralysed as well."
Definition of a prost.i.tute: A busy body.
A man arrives at the door of the wh.o.r.ehouse and asks for the services of Cara. Sure enough, Cara appears and they disappear upstairs. Afterwards he gives her 200. The next day he asks for Cara again, they do the business and he hands her another 200. This is repeated on a third and fourth day by which time Cara has become very attached to the man.
She says, "Come back tomorrow and you can have it for nothing."
"I"m sorry. I have to return to Scotland tomorrow. By the way, I know your brother and he gave me 800 to give to you."
Two prost.i.tutes talking over a cup of tea.
"What"s your day been like, Gloria?"
"Exhausting, but good business. I"ve climbed up and down those stairs more than 70 times today."
"Oh your poor feet!"
It was his first time in London and the American decided to search out the best brothels. At last he found one that was slightly less seedy than some of the others that he"d looked at and he went in to "be serviced".
Before taking his clothes off he thought he"d try some small talk to ease the tension he was feeling.
"Do you know I come from the other side," he said.
"Wow," she replied. "I can"t wait to see this, hurry up and get your clothes off!"
The girl was asked to put down her occupation on the pa.s.sport application form.
"That"ll be prost.i.tute," she replied.
"Oh no, you can"t put that," exclaimed the clerk.
"How about brothel worker?" she suggested.
"No, that"s no good either."
She thought for a moment and then said, "I know, put "Poultry raiser"."
"Pardon?" he asked.
"Well, I did raise over 500 c.o.c.ks last year."
A midget went into a wh.o.r.ehouse and demanded service.
After much discussion amongst the girls, Sylvia drew the short straw and disappeared upstairs with him. But it was only a moment later when they heard a loud scream and running upstairs to the room, they found Sylvia in a swoon.
Standing next to her was the midget, naked and sporting the longest d.i.c.k the girls had ever seen.
After a moment of astonished silence one of the girls asked, "Wow, we"ve never seen anything so big before, do you mind if we touch it?"
"No, go ahead," said the midget, "but whatever you do, no sucking, I used to be 6 foot 5 inches tall."
Two dwarfs who had just done a season with the travelling circus, land up in town with wallets full of money, out for a good time. After doing a round of the bars they end up at the wh.o.r.ehouse and get taken upstairs by two of the working girls. Sadly, however much he tries, the first dwarf cannot get an erection so he spends the night feeling very miserable particularly as he can hear his mate next door repeating time and time again, "One, two, three up, one, two, three up."
The next morning they make their way back to the circus.
The second dwarf asks the first how it went.
"b.l.o.o.d.y awful," he replies. "I couldn"t get it to stand up to save my life. What about you?"
"f.u.c.k nothing," he answers. "I couldn"t even get onto the bed."
A man goes to a brothel, hires one of the girls and spends the next couple of hours giving her the best f.u.c.k she"s ever had. He returns the following night, gets the same girl and gives a repeat performance. By the end of the third night the girl is so impressed she offers him a session on the house and it"s absolutely wonderful.
"You"re the most amazing thing that"s ever happened to me,"
she tells him. "If I pay you 200 will you do it again, now?"
The man agrees but as he looks down at his small and lifeless manhood he sneers at it and says, "You"re b.l.o.o.d.y good at spending it, but when it comes to earning!"
An old man goes to a wh.o.r.ehouse and asks how much it will be.
"Prices begin at 100," she says.
"You"re putting me on," he gasps.
"Then that"ll be an extra 20 on top of the price," she replies.
The same old man went back to the wh.o.r.ehouse a year later and staggered up to the door. He was very fragile and extremely shaky on his legs, and when Madam saw him she said, "Hey, old man, you"ve had it."
"Oh b.u.g.g.e.r," he replied, confused, "how much do I owe you?"
PC Jenkins was doing his nightly rounds when he discovered a woman in an alleyway. Her blouse was open, her knickers were round her ankles and she was eating a packet of sweets.
"What"s going on here?" asked PC Jenkins.
"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, has he gone?" she replied, looking around.
Throughout his teenage life, John had been warned by his G.o.d-fearing father that brothels were the ultimate places of sin and that anyone going to them would die a dreadful death.
However, one night out on a stag party John and his mates ended up in the red light district and banishing all thoughts of his father from his mind, John went into a brothel. He was taken upstairs by Madam and ushered into a bedroom where a beautiful girl lay naked on the bed. Suddenly as he looked at her, all the warnings came back to him and he cried aloud, "b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, my dad was right, I can feel myself going stiff already."
A husband and wife went to Manchester for the day. He had a meeting in the morning and she went off to do some shopping. Now the meeting finished much earlier than expected so the man went off into the centre of town and landed up in the "better part" of the red light district. As he was pa.s.sing one of the "ladies" flats, a beautiful hooker came out and before he knew what he was doing, he asked her how much she charged a session. The hooker looked at him disdainfully and told him it would be 150.
"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, that"s daylight robbery," he exclaimed, "I"ve only got 30," and feeling very disappointed he left to meet his wife for lunch. Just as the meal was over, the same hooker and a client entered the restaurant and on seeing the man and his wife she whispered to him as she pa.s.sed.
"I hope that"s taught you a lesson, that"s what you get for 30."
The G.o.d of War comes to earth and enters a brothel in London where he is attracted to one girl in particular. He stays for 3 days, spending most of the time engaged in mad pa.s.sionate love but then he gets a message from the heavens ordering him home. As he"s about to leave, he realises he"s never really spoken to the girl. He hasn"t even told her his name.
"I"m Thor," he says.
"You"re sore! For f.u.c.k"s sake, I can"t even walk," she replies angrily.
Jack was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his pint of beer.
"Heh, Jack, what"s up?" asked the barman.
"Everything," he replied. "I got so drunk last night, I can"t remember what I did, but when I woke up to find myself in bed with a woman, I naturally gave her 50."
The barman laughed. "Don"t worry, mate, it happens to all of us. You"ll just have to accept that you spent the money and can"t remember what it was like."
"No, no, you"ve got me wrong," replied Jack, "the fact is that the woman in bed with me was my wife and she automatically gave me 10 change."
Having been three months up in the mountains searching for gold, the old miner suddenly struck it rich and went down into town to celebrate. He spent some time in the saloon before heading back up the main street to the local wh.o.r.ehouse, carrying two bottles of beer under his arm.
"I"m looking for the meanest, toughest and downright roughest wh.o.r.e in town" he said to the Madam.
"You"ll be wanting old Lil, then," she replied. "First on the right at the top of the stairs."
So upstairs he went and banged on the door.
"Are you the meanest, toughest and downright roughest wh.o.r.e in town?" he yelled as he opened the door.
"I sure am," she said, grinning, and with that she stripped off, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"Heh! How do you know that"s my favourite position?" he asked.
"I don"t," she replied, "but I thought you might like to open those two beers first."
A man knocks at the door of a wh.o.r.e house and asks the Madam for "a girl, please".
Now this particular Madam is an unscrupulous b.i.t.c.h and when she sees how naive the man is, she reckons she"ll get away with giving him an inflatable doll and he"ll never know the difference.
But after a few minutes the young man appears.