"Everything alright?" she asks.
"Well, I don"t know," he replies. "I bit her on the b.u.m, she farted and flew straight out of the window."
The man was out of the door without paying before the wh.o.r.e had a chance to stop him. "If it"s a boy, name it after me. "Lucky," he shouted arrogantly as he disappeared round the corner.
"And if it itches, name it after me "eczema"," bellowed the wh.o.r.e angrily.
Arthur was such an unlucky man. One day he approached a prost.i.tute and she said she had a headache.
An old man knocked on the door of the local brothel and spoke to the Madam.
"I"ve got plenty of money and I want me a girl," he said, "but she must have VD."
"Okay old man," said the Madam and she directed him to a room upstairs where a girl was waiting, lying stark naked on the bed.
"Do you have VD?" asked the old man.
"I certainly don"t," she protested.
So the old man sent her away and asked for someone else.
"Listen, Elsie," said Madam, "Go and see to the old man in Room 7 and if he asks, say you"ve got the clap."
Elsie went off to Room 7, confirmed that she had VD and serviced the old man for half an hour. At the end of the session, she told him that she had a confession to make.
"I don"t really have VD, old man," she said.
The man smiled sadly and replied, "Well, you do now."
The prost.i.tute was so fed up with her client"s fumbling that she was forced to put him in her place.
Did you hear what happened when the nymphomaniac went to the library?
She got a book out called "How to Hump" and didn"t realise until she got home that it was volume 4 of the encyclopaedia.
CHAPTER 5.
PILLAR OF SOCIETY.
One of Johnny"s Dad"s greatest mysteries was "how is it, as a young man, you set out to become one of society"s pillars, but end up as one of society"s pillocks?" Johnny himself wanted to be a doctor but failed the interview when he was asked to show his testimonials. And although he thinks a knighthood is something that comes with a fancy pair of pyjamas, he would like another gong - the first one he got was when he was booed off at the Comedy Store.
HEALTHY BEHAVIOUR.
Did you hear about the man who went to the chiropodist"s and put his w.i.l.l.y on the table?
When the chiropodist told him it wasn"t a foot, he replied, "I know, but I"m proud it"s 11 inches."
"A packet of condoms please," said the man to the sales a.s.sistant.
"What size, sir?" she asked.
"Er...I don"t know."
"Well, that"s no problem," she replied. "If you go into the other room, you"ll find a board with a selection of different holes. Just pop your todger in them until you find the right size."
So the man did as he was told, little realising that every time he tried a different hole, the sales a.s.sistant was on the other side fondling it. Eventually, he was satisfied he had found the correct size, so returned to the counter.
"Everything alright, sir?" she asked.
"Couldn"t be better," he replied, "but forget the condoms, just sell me the board."
The man rang the local mental inst.i.tution and asked to speak to the patient in room 24.
"I"m sorry, sir, room 24 is unoccupied at present."
"Whoopee," shouted the man. "I did it, I escaped."
The poor man had a dreadful medical problem, so he went along to the chemist to see if they could help him.
Unfortunately, the shop was owned by two spinsters, but it was too late to walk out, so blushing profusely, he explained that he had a permanent erection and what could they give him for it.
"Just a moment, Sir" and the two women went into the back room to confer.
A couple of minutes later, they returned smiling happily.
"Okay, we"ve talked it over and we can offer you a half partnership in the shop and 1,000 cash."
The local Mayor decided to do something useful for the community so went along to the sperm bank to make a donation. "Have you been before?" asked the receptionist.
"I believe I have," replied the Mayor. "You"ve probably got my notes from last time."
"Oh yes," replied the girl. "You"re going to need some help so I"ll put you in our category D area."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean, category D! I don"t need any help!"
"I"m sorry, Sir, but it says in your notes that you"re a clueless w.a.n.ker."
Jack"s wife went along to the optician"s for her annual check- up.
"Right," said the optician. "Can you read the bottom line?"
After a few moments she shook her head.
"OK, try the next line."
Again she shook her head. This went on until they got to the largest letter at the top but she still shook her head. By this time the optician was so frustrated he unzipped his trousers, pulled out his w.i.l.l.y and shouted, "Well, can you see this?"
"Oh yes," she replied.
"Now I know what the trouble is," he said. "You"re c.o.c.k- eyed."
To a.s.sess Pete"s state of mind the psychiatrist told him he was going to make some random marks on the paper and Pete was to tell him what he saw.
After the first mark Pete replied, "That"s Madonna in the nude."
For the second mark he said, "That"s my next door neighbour stark naked," and for the third mark, "That"s the whole of my wife"s knitting circle with no clothes on."
The psychiatrist looked up exasperated.
"The trouble with you, Pete, is that you"re obsessed with s.e.x."
"Get off," retorted Pete angrily. "You"re the one drawing the dirty pictures."
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed?
He thought she was a little potty.
A very rich woman reaches middle age and decides to have a face-lift to keep her looking young. She goes along to the most famous and wickedly expensive surgeon in town and he explains he has discovered a new and revolutionary technique.
"Once I have performed the operation, I will put two little screws behind each ear and whenever you see a little wrinkle appear, you just gently turn the screws and it will disappear."
The technique is a wonderful success and for over 10 years the woman keeps a wrinkle-free face by turning the screws when necessary. However, one day she notices she has bags under her eyes but when she turns the screws, no matter how many times, the bags will not go away. In a blind panic she rushes back to the surgeon.
"Look what"s happened," she wails. "I can"t get rid of them."
The surgeon replies, "Madam, you have used the screws so much that those bags under your eyes are your b.r.e.a.s.t.s and if you continue to turn the screws, you"ll end up with a beard."
"I am very sorry to say that I have two bad pieces of news for you," said the doctor to his patient.
"Oh dear, what is it?" asked the patient.
"You have only 24 hours to live," came the reply.
"Oh no, what other piece of bad news could there be?"
"I tried to get you on the phone all day yesterday."
DOCTOR"S ORDERS.
A man went to the doctor feeling very depressed.
"What you need," said the doctor, "is some companionship.
Go out and find a girl who likes to do the same things as you do."
"But doc, why would I want a girl who likes whistling at other girls!"