There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I"ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She said, ""Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
Drunk in a Bathroom.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What"s all the screaming about in there? You"re scaring the customers!"
"I"m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the h.e.l.l out of my b.a.l.l.s." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You"re sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
Drunk Irishman.
An Irishman"s been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he"ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you"ve been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Eating Doughnuts.
Three men go into a bar and see this really fine girl in the corner. The first one says, "I bet you anything I can get her to eat three doughnuts off my d.i.c.k." He walks over to her and returns a few minutes later with a satisfied look on his face.
The second man says, "I bet I can get her to eat four doughnuts off my d.i.c.k." He approaches the girl and after a few minutes returns with a satisfied look on his face.
The third guy says, "I bet you I can get her to eat six doughnuts off my d.i.c.k." He walks over. A few minutes later he returns with a bewildered expression.
The first two men ask what happened.
He replies, "She told me to go to the store and buy a box of Cheerios."
Embarra.s.sing Situation.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won"t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarra.s.sed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I"m sorry if I embarra.s.sed you. You see, I"m a graduate student in psychology and I"m studying how people respond to embarra.s.sing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Equal Opportunity Bar.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He sits down on a stool and puts the alligator on the bar. After calling the bartender over he asks, " Do you serve n.i.g.g.e.rs here?".
The bartender replies," Yes we do. This is an equal opportunity bar and I wish you wouldn"t use that term"
To which the patron replies, "Good. I"ll have a beer and my alligator here will have a n.i.g.g.e.r."
Everything"s Big in Texas.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don"t flush, don"t flush!"
Fair d.i.n.k.u.m Mate.
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having s.e.x with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For f.u.c.k"s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the h.e.l.l"s going on here? I"ve been here one hour and I"ve seen a bloke s.h.a.gging a sheep, and now some bloke"s w.a.n.king himself off in the bar!"
"Fair d.i.n.k.u.m, mate," the bartender told him, "You can"t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep"
Farting Turn.
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarra.s.sed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies," I"m sorry I didn"t know it was her turn."