First Aid Trained.
"How come you"re late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank G.o.d I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
First b.l.o.w.j.o.b.
A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequila. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other.
"Holy s.h.i.t!" the bartender exclaims "That the most tequila I"ve ever seen anyone drink that fast before - what"s the occasion!?!"
"My first b.l.o.w. .j.o.b" the man announces quite plainly "Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!"
"Listen, if 9 doesn"t take the taste out of my mouth, another one won"t help
Good Bar.
Three friends are sitting around their favorite pub. The first guy says "Hey guys, I know this other bar where you go in and every third drink that you order, you get the next one free. On top of that, about 1/4 of the time I go in there, I get laid."
The second guy says, "That"s nothing! I know this bar where you get every other drink on the house, and I get laid there about 1/2 the times that I go in"
The third guy, unimpressed, says, "h.e.l.l, I"ve got you both beat. I know of a place where you get every drink on the house and you get laid EVERY time you go in."
The other two say, "WOW! Where is it?"
The third guy responds, "I don"t know, my wife won"t tell me."
Had too much to Drink.
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!"
The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says. "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts, "You! Your mother gives me a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says, "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!!" yells the old man.
So the bartender gets him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts, "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man. Then they say, "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."
He Think He"s Me.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man"s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the backseat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What"s so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Pete!" the fellow chortled, "He"s so drunk, he thinks he"s me!"
Hind Lick Maneuver.
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, -That little gal is havin" a bad time. I"m a gonna go over there and help.
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, Kin ya swaller? Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With That he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the b.u.t.t. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, -Ya know, it"s sure amazin" how that hind-lick maneuver always works.-
How Many Drinks does it Take.
A guy goes to a single"s bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he"d had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don"t call me Dizzy."
How Much Stronger.
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn"t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I"m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What"s your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I"m just wondering how much stronger I"m gonna get!"
How to Get Out of Trouble.
Two guys are sitting at the bar when one turns to the other and says, "s.h.i.t man, I"m in trouble. If my wife catches me drunk once more, I am in deep s.h.i.t."
The other guy replies, "Don"t worry about it. Have another drink and let me tell you the solution to your problems. This is what you do: first, have another drink. Second, when you get home, take off all your clothes, climb into bed and starting performing oral s.e.x on your wife."