A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy cla.s.s. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her a.s.shole does when she has an o.r.g.a.s.m.
"Sure." she says, "He"s at home taking care of the kids."
Animal game.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it"s long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it"s something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it"s a h.o.r.n.y b.a.s.t.a.r.d."
Applied Psychology.
"What"s the usual tip?" a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I"d be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here"s five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I"ll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."
Biology Cla.s.s.
* In a biology cla.s.s, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in s.e.m.e.n. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you"re saying there is as much glucose in male s.e.m.e.n as there is in sugar?"
"That"s correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn"t it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole cla.s.s burst out laughing, the poor girl"s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of he cla.s.s.... Never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor"s reply was cla.s.sic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn"t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat".
Cla.s.s on Observation.
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a cla.s.s on "Observation". He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His cla.s.s watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was pa.s.sed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Confused About Jesus Christ.
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his cla.s.s, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He"s in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He"s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He"s in our bathroom!!!"
The whole cla.s.s got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"!"
Creative Writing.
A university creative writing cla.s.s was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: - religion.
- royalty.
- s.e.x.
- mystery.
The prize-winning essay read: "My G.o.d," said the Queen. "I"m pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Dating Rules in College.
In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of s.e.xual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody"s h.o.r.n.y.
In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you"re cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you f.u.c.k me?"
In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a h.e.l.l of lot more that a kiss goodnight.
In an imaginary world, men aren"t afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it"s a f.u.c.kfest or pretty close to it.
In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you"re lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are a.s.ses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish last.
In an imaginary world, s.e.x is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don"t even know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE PARTNERS!
In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather
DEFINITIONS.