Actor -- A man who tries to be everything but himself.
Adult -- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
Advice -- The one thing which is "More blessed to give than receive."
Average Man -- One who thinks he isn"t.
Bank -- An inst.i.tution where you can borrow money if you can present sufficient evidence to show that you don"t need it.
Bigamist -- One who makes the same mistake twice.
Bore -- One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.
Bridge -- A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal.
Broadway -- A place where people spend money they haven"t earned to buy things they don"t need to impress people they don"t like.
Budget -- A method of worrying before you spend instead of afterward.
Childish Game -- One at which someone beats you.
Civilization -- A process of creating more needs than means to supply.
Committee -- A body that keeps minutes and wastes hour.
Conservative -- A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Creditor -- A man who has better money than a debtor Criminal -- One who gets caught.
Courtship -- The period during which the girl decides whether or not she can do any better.
Critic -- A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.
Diamond -- A woman"s idea of a stepping stone to success.
Economy -- Denying us a necessity today in order to buy a luxury tomorrow.
Egotist -- A man who tells you those things about himself which you intended to tell him about yourself.
Desert Survival.
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compa.s.s, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why"s that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compa.s.s is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Dormitory Rules.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pa.s.s?"
English Language.
* Let"s face it -- English is a crazy language.
There are neither egg in an eggplant nor ham in a hamburger; neither apple nor pine in a pineapple.
English m.u.f.fins weren"t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren"t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don"t fing, grocers don"t groce and hammers don"t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn"t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn"t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn"t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as h.e.l.l one day and cold as h.e.l.l another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who actually WOULD hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
People, not computers invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn"t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Why is it when we are ill, we are referred to as being "poorly", but when we are well again, we"re never referred to as "richly"? Or if an airplane has a near miss, surely that would mean it was. .h.i.t?
And finally - If in England they speak "English", why don"t they call it "American" in America, or "Australian" in Australia?
Final Exam.
A teacher was wrapping up cla.s.s, and started talking about tomorrow"s final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member"s death.
One smart a.s.s student said, "What about extreme s.e.xual exhaustion?" and the whole cla.s.sroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to write."
Geography Lesson.
Teacher says to Melissa "Where"s the Eiffel Tower, Melissa?"
"I don"t f.u.c.kin" know, do I? Weren"t me as nicked it."
"Right, you bring your mother in tomorrow. I"m telling her you said that".
So next day Melissa"s mother comes to see the teacher "Why did you want to see me, Miss Smith?"
"Your daughter, when I asked her where the Eiffel Tower was, told me, and these were her exact words: "I don"t f.u.c.kin" know, do I? Weren"t me as nicked it."
"Well, Miss Smith, she"s been going through a hard time what with her Dad beein" took off to prison and all, but I can tell you this. Whether she nicked it, or whether she didn"t nick it, she didn"t bring it "ome, at any rate."
In dismay, Miss Smith goes walking down the corridor shaking her head. The headmaster sees her and says, "What ever is the matter?"
"Well, Mr. Parkins, I just can"t get over the ignorance of some of the children in my cla.s.s and their parents. When I asked Melissa Kelly where the Eiffel Tower was she said she didn"t know because she hadn"t stolen it, and then her mother tells me that she doesn"t know whether or not she stole it, but she didn"t take it home. I mean, I ask you!"
"Hmmn, yes Miss Smith. I think we have a definite problem. Isn"t Melissa Kelly that ginger haired girl with the pierced nose?"
"Yes, headmaster, that"s her"
"Well it"s beyond hope then. If she"s got it that"s the last you"ll see of it."