NOT RESTRICTED.
"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker."
"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"
John: "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."
Mirandy: "Daon"t yew dew it, John; yew can"t say fer sure that the train"ll show up-I don"t never believe in payin" fer a thing "til I git it."
The Wife: "Oh, you needn"t sneer! I mean every word I say."
"I"m not sneering, my dear. I"m just thinking what a lot you must mean."
The Escort: Who"s that fellow who seems to know you?
The Lady: Only a second cousin once removed.
The Escort: Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.
Voice (far off): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!
Satiated Camper: All right, all right! Who"s arguing about it?
A GREAT ATHLETE.
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life.
They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.
"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a foot race."
"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an" thot"s foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?"
"I don"t remember," replied Pat.
"Well," said Mike, "he"s got a gold medal for five miles, an" one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an" badges for boxing an" rowing!"
"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"
"Shure, an" he"s no athlete at all-at all," came the reply. "He kapes the p.a.w.nshop!"
NOTHING NEW TO HIM.
The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much.
She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully.
"I"m sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I"m an experienced driver. I"ve been driving a car for seven years."
"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I"m not a novice myself. I"ve been walking for fifty-seven years."
Lady (to pedlar): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the door."
Pedlar: "Then I"ve just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little "No Pedlars" notices."
There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.
Mother: It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.
Humphrey (aged five): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that man"s got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I"d said it aloud.
She (pouting): You don"t value my kisses as you used to.
He: Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them sufficient payment for a new dress.
KNOWLEDGE.
The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I"ll know more than you do."
"I"ll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."
A HUMBLING SIGHT.
An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the artist"s studio to ask if there was no mistake.
"Is that me?" she queried.
"Yes, madam," replied the artist.
"And is it like me?" she again asked.
"Yes, madam; it"s a speaking likeness."
"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it"s a humblin" sicht."
Dollie: Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn"t wear very well.
Pollie (kindly): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has, I suppose.
TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER.
A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. "Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"
The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!" she replied. "What else should I be doing?"
For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam, I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"
Officer (to sailor who has rescued him from drowning): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.
Sailor: Don"t do that, sir, they"ll half kill me!
Steward: Can I do anything for you, sir?
Pa.s.senger (faintly): You might present my compliments to the chief engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.
Lady (to box office manager): Can you tell me what they are playing to-morrow night?
Box Office Manager: "You Never Can Tell," Madam.
Lady: Don"t they even let you know?
Village Idiot: Beg pardon, mam, seeing you"re painting the church, I thought I"d better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.
Employer (rebuking employee for slackness): Have you any idea of the meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?
Stenographer: No, I haven"t, and if it"s anything vulgar I don"t want to.
Sympathetic Lady: What"s the matter with your hand, my little man?
Boy: Sawed the top of my finger off.
Sympathetic Lady: Dear, dear, how did you do that?
Boy: Sawing.
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REMEMBERED.