"No; she forgot to give it to me!"
HIS LITTLE MISTAKE
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the village butcher"s.
"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave you the other day?"
Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under the counter.
"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of confidence, "it ended like they all end."
"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"
And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived happy ever after."
"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."
"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story."
TOUGH ON THE SENATOR
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?"
"You"ll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to heaven."
REDEEMING TRAIT
"I know I"m old, but I"m crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I"ll leave all my fortune to you if you"ll have me."
"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
"You dear old thing. Of course I"ll marry you. And we"ll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won"t we?"
OFF
There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note:
"Dear Miss Brown,--I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins "Dear George." I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas."
NOT A FATHER
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.
"Hush, he ain"t no father," said the other, "he"s got a wife and two kids."
WEDDING DECLARED OFF
_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can"t we be married right away, Elsie?"
_Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can"t bear to leave father alone just now."
_John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time."
_Elsie_ (_freezingly_): "Sir!"
PERHAPS!
"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.
"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven"t I got a quack?"
A Northern man in an optician"s shop in Nashville overheard an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter.
The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer,"
replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat"s what I was afeared it was!"
In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven"t much ready cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.
The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after a short debate the ferryman turned to his pa.s.sengers and remarked, anxiously: "We"ll just tak" your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what micht come over us."