Kokoro Connect

Was it simply my luck?

Or was it simply because I was a nice person?

The gratifying thing to think was that nothing serious occurred over the weekends.

Hmph. I guessed it was most likely due to my plan.

But if you were to ask me what I really had done, I would tell you that the most crazy thing I did was s.n.a.t.c.hing my brother’s food at dinner, buying expensive computer peripherals on the net, dancing around in my underwear, and going into my brother’s room in search of erotic printlets out of curiosity to male s.e.x—but then I gave up as I didn’t find any.

Okay, so nothing really big had happened at all—I hoped so.

And from what I heard from the others, the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires on them only induced similar events.

For example, there was someone who took a peek at his little sister’s phone out of uneasiness of whether his sister had a boyfriend. Then, his sister neglected him for the entire day, and he had to buy a spate of snacks from the convenience store to serve his sister.

Another example would be someone who wanted to climb a tree at the spur of the moment on her way back home. But when she got up, she felt extremely embarra.s.sed once she acknowledged the fact that her panties were seen during her climb.

Another example was someone who reckoned the idea of studying should be trashed and actually threw his books and notes into the paper recycling bin but got back to bring them back in a scurry afterwards.

Of course, all of these were trivial matters that would only lead them to receiving a warning at the most.

On Monday morning, I prepared to go to school as usual.

I wanted to lead everyone to follow a usual life.

I had to be careful to maintain everything safe and usual.

They were nice people.

I wouldn’t have to be afraid of this if I were a nice person.

So, everything would be fine if everything would stay at its place.

Besides, I should also be—of course, I was not as worse as being totally incredulous of humans, yet I don’t allow myself to put my trust on people.

I understood the world I was living in was filled with enemies.

Why? This was because humanity was dark to me.

Why? This was because I belonged to the dark.

However, didn’t I reckon them as nice people?

Who knows? I wouldn’t know what was right.

Or even, I wouldn’t even know what person I was.

At recess time after the end of the second lesson, Nagase Iori returned to her cla.s.sroom to tell something to Yaegas.h.i.+ Taichi, “I paid a visit to Cla.s.s 1A. They said Yui didn’t come to school today.”

“Oh...”

Excluding the weekends, Kiriyama Yui had been absent for four continuous days. Taichi couldn’t help worrying whether something happened to her.

“When I called her, she said she was all right through the phone.”

As Nagase murmured, Inaba Himeko walked towards them.

“I hope she didn’t collapse.”

“What do you mean by...collapse?” Taichi asked Inaba.

“I mean something going nuts like what happened last time.”

Collapsing and going nuts weren’t too extravagant words to describe their situation.

“We must pay a visit to her house even if she denies our request. I know her address anyway,” said Nagase, terribly perturbed.

“All right. Let’s do it.”

Taichi nodded his a.s.sent nervously.

“Don’t put on those tensed faces when we don’t even know how things will work out. Let’s put a smile on our faces! Should we visit Yui with such immensely serious faces, she would surely shut herself away, and our plan will backfire. Let’s visit her joyfully, shall we?” Inaba said with a smile upon seeing Taichi’s and Nagase’s faces.

A mysterious thought occurred to Taichi for a moment that the smile on Inaba was the most fragile.

Kiriyama’s house was a two-storey townhouse situated in the residential area.

“Hey...”

The speaker replied to them the second time Taichi pressed on the doorbell. The sound was husky and devoid of vigour, but it was surely Kiriyama’s voice. Hearing her voice a.s.sured Taichi a bit.

“Kiriyama-san. Come out and play!” Nagase played around like a primary student. Notwithstanding some of her voice was only her feint, she really presented an extremely joyous facade.

“Eh? Hold on. Is it Iori? It can’t be. Why?”

Kiriyama seemed astonished by Nagase’s unplanned visit.

“Oh, I’m here too! Together with Inaba and Taichi.”

Sticking his head out, Aoki Yos.h.i.+fumi waved to the speakers.

“There aren’t any cameras alongside the bell,” Taichi retorted anyway, unknowing of whether Aoki had such cognition.

“Oh, hi. So, everyone’s here?”

“We’re here to visit you. May you let us in? Are we causing any trouble to your family?” Nagase pushed Aoki aside and spoke to the speakers.

“There aren’t anyone here...but I can’t! Please don’t come. Please leave.”

Her trembling voice didn’t fight off her resolved stance of rejecting their arrival.

“Is it because there are boys here? Would you let Inaba and I in?”

“It has nothing to do with that. Anyway, I can’t let you in.”

“But why?”

“That uniform...oh, are you Yui’s friends? Is there anything I can help you?”

Someone, most likely Kiriyama’s mother, had just arrived. Kiriyama had seemed to lock herself in her room recently. This was the worst way one could take in this situation.

“All right, Yui! Open the door now! Your friends are here to visit you!” Kiriyama’s mother shouted as she knocked the door.

“Bother! Take them away!” a fierce howl came back through the door in the opposite direction.

“I’m really sorry. She have locked herself in her room lately and have been reluctant to come out...” Kiriyama’s mother said apologetically towards them with her head lowered. She looked even more pet.i.te now.

“None of this sort happened before. This was due to the effects of the police counseling indeed.”

“It’s fine, miss. I think she’s only a bit wavered. She would unwind soon.”

Inaba showed her a business smile—it seemed she was capable of such things if she had put her heart in it.

“So, leave it to us, Miss!”

“Aoki, you don’t have to exaggerate ‘Miss’...oh forget it.”[1]

Taichi kicked away his idea of retorting, as he had found this mere act even more troublesome.

“Thanks so much for caring our daughter...” Kiriyama’s mother deeply bowed her head to thank them.

“You’re welcome,” they modestly replied.

“So, will I be a ha.s.sle if I stay here? I’ll wait downstairs. Please tell me if you have any problems.”

With that said, Kiriyama’s mother went downstairs, her back painted with loneliness. Looking at her with observation, one would find her face was also a bit wan. Although the ones involved in the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires were only the five of them, the effects had already spread to their surroundings, forming on a burden on them.

“Yui, it’s not good to let your mother feel sad for you,” Nagase said in a voice with anger, oddly. Perhaps Nagase’s mother had divorced for several times, and that she was now in a single-parent family, she had a deep remark on the mum-daughter relations.h.i.+p.

“Anyway, Yui, let’s have a talk. Things have got even more tricky now,” Aoki tried to persuade her in a different way, though Kiriyama was still adamant to yield.

“Please leave. I’m thankful for all your kindness. But please give some time. I’ll return to school after that.”

“Hmphh. What a ha.s.sle.”

Inaba turned her necks, stretching her body out.

“What are you trying to do?” asked Taichi, backing from her at the same time.

“Nothing really. I only want to speak out the magic words that would force her to open the door immediately.”

“Who the h.e.l.l are you?”

“Cough. Anyway, let us start now until she let us in. Allow me to expose Kiriyama Yui-san’s secrets one by one. First, her BWH from head to toe is...”

Click.

“Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! I’ll let you in. Hold on!”

“Gosh. If only you could start telling us those figures, everything would become more interesting.”

Taichi reckoned that Kiriyama’s immediate yielding was correct.

Clumping into a ball, Kiriyama sat on her bed with her hands holding on her kneecaps. She was wearing sportswear: a sports s.h.i.+rt, a sport pants—it was a complete household outfit. Her usual combed and tidied chestnut hair now looked a bit unkempt and messy; her face also told her weariness.

After Taichi and the others had sat on the floor, the room seemed a bit crowded.

“Sorry for coming to your house without previous notice; we’re really worried of you, Yui.”

“It’s no big deal, Iori. Anyone would feel awkward for someone who locked himself or herself in their houses without any specific reasons to do so.” [2]

Kiriyama clenched on her flower-patterned pillow tightly and shook her head.

“Do you feel sick? Is there anything uncomfortable? We will return if that is the case. Oh, by the way, there’s one big acne on your forehead. Does this have to do with...”

“No, no, no! Don’t look! Yipes!”

After Aoki pointed it out, Kiriyama shoved her bangs in a scurry and covered her forehead.

“This was...the worst mistake I’ve made in my life.”

“Have you eaten and drank in a frenzy?”

Upon hearing Inaba’s guess, Kiriyama screamed and fell over on her bed. It seemed she was right.

“No...It’s a sudden impulse that came over me yesterday that urged me to eat a lot of sweet things, though I often think of this, I couldn’t refrain from doing so this time. And after checking the calories of the food I’d eaten afterwards, I knew death was awaiting me.”

Perhaps her desire of eating sweet stuff was unleashed when she was hungry.

“The reason why you would be absent for school couldn’t possibly be due to that acne, could it?”

“Of course I wouldn’t for such a reason!” Kiriyama stood up to rebuke Inaba’s words.

“So, the reason lies on the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires «Heartseed» have caused?” asked Inaba distinctly.

Kiriyama’s body twitched, her face becoming pan. She was an easy thing to understand. But because of this, it made it somewhat uneasy to communicate with her. Yet, pure silence wasn’t the way.

“Yui. It must have been tiring and difficult to undergo the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires,” Aoki comforted Kiriyama.

“Are there any problems that would be aroused by the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires?” asked Taichi to himself.

Kiriyama’s eyes became damp, her eyebrows tilting downwards in sorrow.

“Taichi, could you ask with more euphemism?”

Iori glared at Taichi.

“Right. Sorry.”

“I think it’s fine. At least it’s better than dragging along the whole day.”

“Inaban and Yui can’t be treated with the same metric.”

Inaba only replied to angry Nagase with an agreeing tone and recommenced, “So, Yui, what is the relations.h.i.+p between the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires and you locking yourself in your room? You’ve told us a lot already, so adding this wouldn’t hurt, would it? It isn’t irrational for one to lock oneself in a room if one were to act against their will.”

Kiriyama looked downwards and nodded.

“Ahah? Stop joking around. Everyone has this situation.”

“But this is because I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”

Large droplets of tears slid from Kiriyama’s eyes. The thing that scared Kiriyama the most was to hurt someone else. Her feelings were sent painfully and deeply.

“O-On that day, I saw the girl being bugged by some boys. I thought that these boys were s.h.i.+t, and I had to help the girl. Then, I began rampaging after hearing that sound...”

“But this is because of the weird stuff «Heartseed» had caused.”

As Nagase was trying to convince her, Kiriyama interrupted and yelled, “But I really wanted to teach those guys a lesson!”

The feelings produced in one’s heart were in fact the purest feelings one could possess. It was enough to cause one to sense guilt and fear.

“Besides, I’m have a strong sense of repelling boys. Should this happen again next time, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m so scared. How can I have the guts to go outside?”

Taichi thought it was a feeling that could be understood, but at the next instant...

“Stop having this boring pose of a victim,” Inaba cried, her face filled with hate and disgust.

“Stop locking yourself in the room and try to escape.”

Inaba glared at her with eyes so sharp it looked as if it might shoot right through Kiriyama. Inaba had completely gone into rampage mode. Does she usually rampage like this? Or was it because of the effects of desire unleas.h.i.+ng?

“B-But wouldn’t everyone be safe from damage if I don’t meet anyone?”

“Do you understand the situation we’re in? Ah? Don’t you know?”

Inaba approached the backing Kiriyama gradually,

“Wait, Inaban!”

“In-Inaba!”

“Calm down, Inaba!”

Nagase, Aoki, and Taichi tried to cease Inaba, but Inaba just wouldn’t stop.

“We’re under control of that idiot «Heartseed». And that guy wants to make things more interesting, and thus making those personality exchanges and desire unleashes. Do you understand up to this point?”

Under Inaba’s oppressive tone, no one dared to make a sound. Inaba didn’t move but kept saying. Taichi didn’t know how to react to her.

“It is a good response to evade the problems of the desire unleash by locking oneself in one’s house, but because this is the best strategy, it’s the worst way.”

Did locking oneself in one’s house counted as going against the rules? Inaba’s question for «Heartseed» once again ran in his mind.

“There wouldn’t be any problems if you were in a s.p.a.ce where there is no one and absolutely nothing. This could be our largest defense as well as our offense.”

Inaba stood up, stepping on Kiriyama’s bed with one of her feet, and continued to speak, “But let me ask you, would it be interesting for that guy?”

They didn’t understand the interests and the way of logic of «Heartseed», but they could perceive it wasn’t interesting for him if they did that.

“Let me ask you again: is this interesting for that guy? Also, if it isn’t, what would he do then? He might have a plan B waiting for us. First, he might give up if he’s not interested. Second, he might change it until it becomes interesting. Third, he might make it more interesting if it’s not interesting enough.”

How much had Inaba a.n.a.lysed it? Taichi was a bit appalled.

“I tried to ask that guy whether locking oneself in one’s house counted as going against the rules, and that guy told me that it might be interesting, but he will make things more interesting when it’s necessary.”

Forgetting even to cry, Kiriyama just froze there, losing the vigour in her body.

“In other words, that guy wouldn’t adopt the first action but the second or third. But he may be lying, as he does not have credit of any kind. However, he may act what he said. The most important thing is that that guy has the ability to do so.”

Inaba’s personal performance was finally going to its finale.

“Are you planning to lock yourself in your room, trying to escape from this desire unleash? Or do you want something more appalling than the desire of unleash to happen? Do you realise how much trouble you will bring to others just by letting yourself have an easy life? Tell me now!”

“I don’t understand...what I should do...”

Kiriyama cried, her face completely pulverized.

“Don’t pretend to be cute. Don’t think that someone will help you if you cry!”

This line gave the total fatal hit to Kiriyama.

“Inaban! You’re over the line!”

Nagase tried to stop Inaba, but everything was too late. Kiriyama shoved herself in her sheets, sobbing. She couldn’t even lift up her body. Still, she gave her all into suppressing her sound, so she didn’t cry out loud. It was depressing to merely look at this scene. Having finished speaking, Inaba kept silent. Nagase crawled onto the bed, caressing Kiriyama like taking care of a fragile object. Before Nagase crawled onto the bed, Inaba had already transferred her feet off of the bed. Taichi peeked at Inaba’s face. It was pan, without any sense of the violence just then. She was biting her lips so hard it looked as if her lips might bleed. Taichi lost the chance to call her since her face was too dejected with sorrow. Then, as if detached, Inaba sat beside the bed crudely.

The reason why she would take her words into that stage was certainly due to the effects of the desire unleash. If she were in her normal status quo, even if she was stern, she wouldn’t adopt such a speaking method of hurting Kiriyama.

“Sorry, Yui. I didn’t plan to take my words to that stage. No, originally, I shouldn’t be that angry. It was because of the desire unleash. And Yui...I know that it is very painful to hurt somebody against your own will, yet I said those words without much care...It’s my fault. Please forgive me.”

Inaba endeavoured to weave her words, stretching her hand out to Kiriyama at the same time.

“But, Inaba, this is what you think, is it not?” said Kiriyama intermittently while crying.

The hand Inaba stretched lost its target and wavered, going downwards before reaching Kiriyama. Taichi felt scared of what awaited them. The unleas.h.i.+ng of desire could hurt people to such a stage and destroy inter-personal relations.h.i.+ps to such an extent. On that day, they still couldn’t bring Kiriyama out of her room.

On the following day, Kiriyama still didn’t go to school.

She had become famous in school for fighting in that mad event, and had inevitably become the talk of the town among the students.

Because she was in the same club as Taichi, Taichi was asked of her recent statuses a few times at school this morning.

This made Taichi even more perturbed and distracted in the lessons.

Originally, he wanted to plan on how to solve Kiriyama’s problem, but then he hesitated. What would happen if the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires were to occur now?

He had also experienced his desire of helping Kiriyama being unleashed, resulting in him running out suddenly.

Ever since the weird sound Nagase made in the lesson, no one in the club dared to do anything at the spur of the moment in the lessons.

After all, the times they would have the episode would range from one to three times one day, along with the fact that Inaba’s preventive suggestion worked out fairly well.

To put it simply, all they did in the lessons was to concentrate in their lessons or sleep.

Nagase and Inaba dexterously utilised these two ways to go through every lesson.

Even Aoki who was unable to concentrate on his studies tried to spend his previous night awake, draining all of his energy, and sleep in the lessons the following day.

Concentrating in the lessons wasn’t a tough job for Taichi, so every time when he heard the voice that reminded him his desire was about to unleash, he would repeatedly raise questions for the teacher.

So, it wasn’t the time to think about Kiriyama but to concentrate on his lessons, and thus...

Time pa.s.sed gradually. In the recess time between two lessons, since they had to transfer to another cla.s.sroom for the next lesson, there were only a few people staying in cla.s.s 1C.

“Let’s go, Yaegas.h.i.+. We wouldn’t make it if we don’t go now,” said Watase s.h.i.+ngo, leaving alongside with Taichi.

At this moment, a loud growl shot in the cla.s.sroom.

“How would I know? Stop asking me!” shouted Nagase.

“Ah? I was only asking how is Kiriyama doing.”

In the silent cla.s.sroom, the girl Nagase shouted at pouted in discontent.

“This was what I want to know!”

Having shouted angrily, Nagase was even more surprised than the girl she was shouting at.

“Why should I let you scream at me?”

“Um. No. This wasn’t what I meant.”

Nagase was at a loss, unknowing of what to do when asked by the angry girl. From what Nagase did, Taichi suspected her desires should have unleashed. Taichi wanted to help at first, but he then hesitated. If he were to cease the girl questioning Nagase, and then his desire was unleashed, what should he do then? He had even tried to hit Fujis.h.i.+ma Maiko when she pulled a prank about Nagase. Nevertheless, his chance of having his desires unleashed now was low, although that guy could let these things work at his will or spontaneously. If that guy was watching at them right now, would he let go off this chance?

“Do you really think you could be so full of yourself because you look so adorable?”

“No. It’s not...”

The girl questioning Nagase was so infuriated.

“Hey. Don’t you think you should save your precious darling?” asked Watase seriously, though his line seemed to be a joke.

“Ah, but...”

Inaba Himeko was near them. Taichi believed Inaba would have a plan to solve this, but Inaba did nothing and left the cla.s.sroom with just a glance at the puzzled Nagase. Only at this moment did Taichi feel an even larger shock than Nagase shouting angrily at her cla.s.smate: Inaba neglected Nagase’s crisis. He thought this was all a mistake. He thought this was just a result of the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires.

“Hey,” Watase called Taichi again, making Taichi come back to his senses.

Taichi knew he had to go up front and help Nagase. But before this, someone else interrupted the two girls—it was Fujis.h.i.+ma Maiko.

“Stop. This is it.”

She pushed the two girls apart, creating some distance. Afterwards, she stood beside Nagase and said, “Sorry, Setonai-san. Kiriyama-san’s issue has become a rather sensitive issue to Nagase-san. She has been asked of the same thing several times since this morning, which irritated her, shouting at you as a result. Am I right, Nagase-san?” asked Fujis.h.i.+ma as she held her gla.s.ses and looked at Nagase.

“Oh...okay. I was very frustrated too. When I thought of that incident, I carelessly...I’m sorry for ranting just because of an inquiry of someone’s condition. It’s my fault,” said Nagase, laying her hands on her sides and lowering her head in apology.

“Um. You don’t have to make an official apology. I’m also the one to blame: I shouldn’t have got angry at you and spoke bad things like that. Perhaps I said something despicable.”

“It’s fine. It’s my fault after all. Oh look, the next lesson is about to start. Let’s go there together...And Fujis.h.i.+ma-san, thank you for helping us out.”

“Don’t mention it.”

It seemed that things wrapped up pretty well without Taichi’s help.

“Fujis.h.i.+ma-san is so awesome,” said Watase beside Taichi, though Taichi was too distracted to listen to what he had said.

Time flew quickly, and all of the lessons had ended. There was some free time to spend during and in between the lessons, but Taichi just couldn’t concentrate on thinking about matters pertaining to Kiriyama, Nagase, and Inaba. This was because he knew he would become emotional however he tried to think things rationally. He was perturbed by the fact that the unleas.h.i.+ng of desire would occur at any single moment. Nevertheless, he didn’t have to worry about this once the lessons had ended. There were only club members in the clubroom, so should dangerous situations occur, they could help each other. With this in mind, he knew he couldn’t do anything by himself, not even thinking of what to do. This was frustrating, and more importantly, it made him look like a coward. But with everyone’s strength, he should be able to do whatever should be done; however, Taichi’s wish was shattered easily.

“I have to go back home today. I’ve told Iori about this. Bye,” said Inaba to Taichi who was about to reach the clubroom, and she left the cla.s.sroom afterwards.

“Oi...Hey!”

Kiriyama hadn’t yet come to school today, and problems were left unresolved. They agreed to talk about this beforehand, but now Inaba’s gone, it would become a headache. Taichi scurried away to catch up with Inaba. Inaba, with her back straight, walked pretty fast. When Taichi reached the corridor, she had already gone to the shoes cupboard. Running, Taichi could barely catch Inaba.

“Hey, Inaba! What do you mean by going back home? Do you have something you need to do?”

“Nothing,” said Inaba, changing her shoes and slamming the door of the shoe cupboard afterwards.

“Nothing? Do you remember Kiriyama hasn’t gone to school yet?”

“So?”

With that said, Inaba went outside school. Taichi followed her closely.

“What do you mean by ‘so’? Shouldn’t we pay a visit to Kiriyama or something?”

“Even if I go there...it would only become a predicament.”

What was she speaking? Taichi became irascible. Wasn’t it irresponsible to let your friends get hurt and depressed? When his anger rushed into him, Taichi thought of something: perhaps the episode yesterday hurt Inaba greatly too. It was like how Kiriyama got hurt mentally after hurting someone. It was the same for Inaba. Her words hurt Kiriyama, which hurt herself as a result.

[Is that even a reason?]

A voice rang in his mind. Carelessly, He heard the sound. Familiar feelings rushed into him. His body heated up. Although his conscious was still here, he started to become isolated from his body. This was bad, Taichi thought. He wanted, at the least, tell her the unleas.h.i.+ng of desire was happening—but it was impossible. His mouth began to move against his will, “Become a predicament? Why are you giving up so easily? Even if that happens, we still have to think up measures to counteract it.”

Inaba stopped walking for the first time.

“Please don’t think that anyone could think with the premise of placing everyone else as their top priority. Even I have times when I couldn’t even manage to deal with my personal affairs!”

“Albeit, you still can’t leave people who are hurt alone!”

“Stop enforcing your own thoughts and feelings on others!”

Taichi’s own will to stop himself was futile. The impulse in him transcended everything else. Did this mean his thoughts were so strong? Was he this kind of a person? The unleas.h.i.+ng of desire didn’t stop here.

“I’m too disappointed of you, Inaba. I couldn’t believe you can let your comrades die in vain,” he knew his words had crossed the line, “I couldn’t believe this is all you would do.”

He wanted to puke for his despicable words. Shocked, Inaba kept still, though her face was totally wretched.

Taichi had never seen such shock in Inaba. She looked as if she might cry at any moment. Some time pa.s.sed, the heat left him, and his sense had gone back to him. Still, his chest was tensed, making him unable to move. He couldn’t imagine how he could have possibly hurt Inaba to such a stage.

“I’m really sorry, for this is all I could do,” said Inaba with a sobbing voice.

She then ran away as if escaping, crossing through the courtyard and leaving through the gate. Taichi couldn’t catch her. In the clubroom, with tensed atmosphere, and with Inaba absent, Taichi, Nagase, and Aoki began to discuss relevant measures, and paid a visit to Kiriyama as usual. Yet, problems were still left unresolved.

On the following day, Taichi left his home early to directly apologise to Inaba as soon as he could. Taichi was in serious self-disgust yesterday. Inaba was very precious to him. He took her as the most dependable, the most venerable person. She was the greatest person he knew. It was because of his extreme expectation that he would say something like he was disappointed at her. Yet, didn’t this also meant he didn’t need her help at the same time? Back then, he only thought about Kiriyama’s matters and how to save her—he belittled other people because he wanted to help one person. Surely, Kiriyama was in pain, but Inaba would also feel bad—he couldn’t even realise this. It was his stupidity that hurt Inaba. What a coward he was. Having entered the cla.s.sroom, Taichi walked towards Inaba. Inaba had always been early to school.

“Even though I’ve sent a message to you yesterday, I still want to apologise to you directly. I couldn’t believe I said all those selfish c.r.a.p. It must have been because the only thing in my mind was Kiriyama’s dejected demeanor when she locked herself in her house. And it was also due to the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires. As a result, I paid no heed to everything else except for that matter,” said Taichi, though he knew in his heart this excuse was futile.

There was a smile on Inaba, though it was a smile of depression. When Taichi remembered Inaba sobbing yesterday, his chest grieved.

“Forget it. We can’t do anything about that.”

“Please don’t say that. Inaba, you were feeling bad too, I shouldn’t have put my emotions before everything else.”

“I’m not really mindful of that. Besides, didn’t you say you said that because you really want to help someone? Taichi, you don’t need to be so vexed by that,” said Inaba overly gently, “but I don’t want to go to our club or Yui’s home yet. Even I too want some time to adjust my feelings.”

Even when Inaba was in deep pain, she still cared about Taichi’s feelings. This fact enlarged Taichi’s shock. Taichi knew Inaba was in great pain and wanted to help her deep down in his heart. But from what he had learnt yesterday, he helped others who were in pain because he didn’t want to see them suffer. If he were to approach Inaba like this, he may hurt her again—he was afraid of this. Even at this moment, he could greatly feel Inaba’s will of keeping their distance. If he could relieve her pain indirectly by keeping their distance, he would, perhaps, need to resort to this. Nevertheless, there was something he must first clarify.

“I still hope you can stay here, Inaba, because you are my important comrade. If you need help, you can tell us anytime. We’ll be here for you.”

This line and the feelings it embodied was definitely not a lie of any sort.

“I understand, so please leave me now. I have to concentrate my all on my studies,” said Inaba with awkward gentleness, her tone holding the same magnitude of sorrow within her gentleness.

Today, in the clubroom, was still the same people yesterday—Taichi, Nagase, and Aoki. Kiriyama hadn’t gone to school still. Although the three of them visited her the previous day, they weren’t fruitful.

“Inaba can’t come today too?”

“Yeah. It seems her rant on Yui shocked herself too. Even though Inaba look so strong and resolute, she also has her weak side,” said Nagase carefully. Her care in her words reflected her attentiveness to Inaba.

“Perhaps it’s a better idea now to let her calm down alone,” said Taichi, though he didn’t like the idea of letting people alone, he would still justify it by thinking it was good for Inaba—if

“It just feels lonely here,” murmured Nagase, looking at the fold chairs with no one sitting on them. There were now two vacant seats. And a desolate feeling rushed into Taichi. Should the club collapse like this...such a scary feeling swept through his mind.

“Anyway, Inaba should be back after a while. Let’s take a look at how we can solve Kiriyama’s problem,” Taichi commenced, driving their discussion.

Nevertheless, the discussion among the three of them couldn’t get through the bottleneck they were stuck in.

“That’s what it is then.”

“Taichi, um...you’ve said that a while ago,” corrected Nagase.

Feeling that their discussion was just going in circles, Taichi couldn’t help heaving a deep sigh. Their discussion had ended up in a deadlock.

“What should we do now?” asked Aoki, lying on the sofa, gazing upon the ceiling.

“We don’t know what’s the best. After all, Inaba’s and Yui’s propositions had their own reasons,” murmured Nagase as a response to Aoki’s murmur to himself.

Inaba once implied that the most ideal way to treat this phenomenon was to lock oneself in one’s house, but it was, at the same time, the worst way. Was it really a good idea to bring Kiriyama outside? They couldn’t come down to a conclusion. With this doubt, they couldn’t adopt strong and resolute measures. Along with the fact that if their emotions go too strong, they would end up with deadly consequences. They had lost their way in what to think or how to think. Only impatience acc.u.mulated in them over time.

[Save her!]

Taichi could hear the sound faintly. He felt his body was heating up.

“I still don’t reckon Kiriyama locking herself in her house will do her any good,” said Taichi, his mouth moving on its own.

“But won’t Yui easily get hurt if she goes outside?”

“Besides, probably people around her would receive actual damage...though we suffer the same fate.”

Aoki and Nagase replied respectively. To tell the truth, Taichi had already become tired of these excuses.

“But isn’t Kiriyama now in deep sorrow, even when she has shut herself away?”

His mouth moved on its own. Why couldn’t he tell which thing was the most important? Kiriyama had blatantly become weary. He couldn’t let the problem stand there.

“Do you only care about how to deal with Yui’s matters? You should also consider matters afterwards!” said Aoki, impatient as well.

“The most important thing now is to save Kiriyama.”

This was what Taichi thought was correct.

“Is this your expertise—the only thing at hand is to save those in need—again? Do you want to sacrifice yourself again to solve the problem?”

“What do you mean by that? Aoki, don’t you want to save Kiriyama too?”

Hold on a moment. Why was my mouth moving on its own? Still, with this cognition, I couldn’t stop.

“I want to save her, but I don’t know what to do?”

“If that’s the case, let’s first head to Kiriyama’s house.”

“What can we do then?”

“Think of a way to save her.”

“Didn’t we have nothing to come up with yesterday and the day before?”

“Still, nothing would change if we just discuss here?”

If they don’t adopt any measures or advance, nothing would change.

“Hey. Stop it, you two.”

“Forget it. I’ll be going on myself only today.”

Taichi picked his schoolbag and stood up from the fold chair. It was just a waste of time to argue with them.

“Hey? You think you can you just do everything on your own?”

“I want to do things on my own way today. If it’s me, Kiriyama can be saved.”

“Taichi, who do you think you are? Do you think you’re omnipotent?”

“Isn’t this what we can tell from the facts? Aoki, aren’t you nearly helpless?”

At this moment, Aoki widened his eyes, frozen at his spot. Afterwards, his emotions began changing. Taichi could tell, slowly, that Aoki’s desire was unleashed.

“Hey, Stop it...”

“Do you really think everything will go along your will every single time? Are you planning to wrap everything up just by yourself?”

Aoki stood up, approaching Taichi gradually.

“What do you mean wrapping things up by myself? I’m going to save Kiriyama!”

Taichi pushed away Aoki who was trying to approach him.

“What do you mean by saving her? All you want to do is to prevent yourself from seeing her drowned in sorrow. You’re just one selfish jerk!”

“Shut up! Even if I’m what you say I am, I’m stronger than someone who does nothing with such a crisis before him!”

“What are you saying...”

“You two. Stop it already!” cried Nagase loudly. She intervened between Taichi and Aoki, trying to push them apart with her hands.

Her eyes had widened greatly. Would it be that Nagase had her desire unleashed too? Losing his balance, Taichi backed a few steps.

“Taichi, you’re just opinionated! Aoki, you’re just too jealous of him” shouted Nagase who was between them, her hair vibrating vigorously behind her head.

“Are you two really trying to think for Kiriyama? Taichi, Aoki, you two just don’t want to see Yui hurt, is it not?”

[Stop messing around!]

Another voice rang in Taichi’s mind. This time, it was a very clear, explicit voice. His body heated up even greater—to a temperature that he felt similar to the temperature of boiling water. He felt his body was gradually leaving him. This time, he was sure his desire was unleas.h.i.+ng. But, what happened back there? Did he just suppose he had a desire unleash back then? Was the voice only his own hallucination? Had he succ.u.mbed to his own desire? He couldn’t believe in himself anymore. Was it because of this that made him abandon himself in despair? The magnitude that his conscious was leaving his body was the greatest he had ever experienced until now. His conscious had floated afar. At the instant of the unleas.h.i.+ng of desire, the strongest feeling and emotion was to help Kiriyama. This desire had dominated Taichi’s heart. Everything else had become a predicament. He wanted to shout and call for a stop, but he couldn’t.

“Scram!” shouted Taichi as he pushed Nagase away.

He pushed her. He didn’t use much strength. He only wanted to move Nagase away from blocking his path. He was a boy, and she was a girl. Besides, this was an unexpected attack. Nagase lost her balance, her head hitting on a cabinet.

“Wuagh...”

Nagase held her head, kneeling down. After that, the heat slipped away from Taichi all in one instant. His senses were gradually returned.

“A-Are you all right? Nagase...”

Tachi flew to Nagase’s side. At this moment, Aoki said a pivotal line: “Look! It is because of your selfishness that would hurt people around you!”

His heart grieved, as if it was clutched together. Aoki was right: he would, because of his selfishness of not wanting people around him to get hurt, hurt people—even people he liked. He knew he hadn’t the right to save anyone with this stance. In front of the bewildered and static Taichi, Aoki also stood still, as if frozen.

“...No, wait! My words crossed the line. I’m sorry,” said Aoki in a husky voice, feeble and insignificant.

What happened later was lost in pieces in his memory like a dream. It was most likely that they left there and went back home themselves. Still, some things were left in his memory, including Nagase’s forehead, turning red, him apologising to Nagase several times, and Nagase comforting him by saying, “You pushed me way because the unleas.h.i.+ng of desire told you to push away me who was intervening. You don’t need to apologise.”

Taichi stayed in his room alone, wrapping himself under the quilt. He was afraid because he had hurt the person he liked the most. Then, he knew, at last, that Kiriyama had a similar feeling he was having.

I failed.

I didn’t plan to get near him.

I didn’t want everything to fall apart because of myself. It was an overload to me.

Nevertheless, it was I who made those illusions.

I hoped I would become someone necessary to others.

I hoped to create a place that would accommodate myself.

Thus, it was my own fault for others being disappointed of myself when their delusions shatter.

Perhaps I couldn’t go there anymore.

When my thoughts reached this step, my chest would hurt, and my heart would grieve.

My corrupted heart would always think of these useless and repugnant matters.

I was afraid again to approach them.

If I was too near, I was afraid I would get hurt, but if I was too far, I was afraid I would lose my balance.[3]

Where should I stand? Where should I stay? Where was my accommodation?

This and that—I was just thinking of my own personal affairs.

Like others, I felt bad, but I hated myself for only caring for myself instead of others who needed more care than myself.

Besides, others had mistaken that I wasn’t this kind of a person.

My hypocritical mask would soon fall off.

It was the most unbearable to be torn off, not by others, but by that person.

And the most important thing was that I had lost my confidence in sustaining my most ideal self.

I was just a stupid and insignificant person.

On the following day, no one showed up in the clubroom.