Chapter 5 - Working Together to Help the CollapsedEven though Taichi had an argument with Aoki and Nagase yesterday, he still went to school as usual.
To tell the truth, he thought he was too conceited and self-centred that he would be better off staying at home.
Nevertheless, he had a foreboding that he would end up with even more acute consequences if he really did stay at home.
There were still his sister and his parents at home. It wasn’t entirely safe if he were to do something chaotic there.
Besides, Nagase would surely feel regretful if he did this. Whether it was her heart or other parts, Taichi didn’t want to hurt her any more.
At the same time, he was skeptical since he didn’t know what he would do outside. If he were p.r.o.ne to hurt Nagase when facing her, it seemed a more rash decision. Drenched in a forest with no exits, he didn’t know where to go or which way was right.
Anyway, he still managed to go to school.
Nevertheless, he was perturbed by the fact that he would do anything chaotic if he were to approach anyone.
He had to bear the day and try to keep a distance away from anyone, putting his mind solely on his studies.
When Nagase approached him once, he intentionally stayed away from her. He had sent a message to her saying that he would try his best to avoid her.
He had also sent a message of apology for what he had said yesterday to Aoki.
Still, he hadn’t received a reply after a prolonged time of wait.
When he and Aoki were having their physical education lessons, Aoki neglected him flatly.
Taichi couldn’t summon his courage to go to the clubroom.
On the following day, Taichi adopted the same measure.
Never in such a long time did he just go to school without having a conversation with Nagase or Inaba Himeko. Back then, they would have a conversation for at least once in one of the recesses in one day.
Watase and his other friends asked him repeatedly in surprise, “Are you guys okay?” If their distance increased farther, probably their cla.s.smates would be more intrigued of what happened to them.
There was also Kiriyama’s problem. It was actually the biggest problem.
Kiriyama hadn’t gone to school, including yesterday and today. Since the chaos at the station, she had been absent for more than a week.
It was alleged—eavesdropped, actually—that Nagase had visited Kiriyama alone yesterday, but reaped nothing. Nagase said she was planning to visit her again today.
Kiriyama’s friends in her cla.s.s had also seemed to adapt similar measures, though their progress didn’t go well, as they didn’t know the true reason behind her absence.
It was necessary to think of solutions to her problem yet problems may occur if Taichi"s desires were to be unleashed while he was at it; hence, it was more preferable to gather the club members and discuss the solutions together. Still, they might hurt each other if they gather together since their thinking process might easily make them emotional, especially himself, conceited and thinking only of things that mattered to himself.
He could easily hurt others. He knew doing this was the worst idea, yet the worse guy around was himself.
No dice: he couldn’t do this.
He could only let time fleet as matters worsen day by day.
He couldn’t summon his courage to go the clubroom today again.
Another week had pa.s.sed.
He had locked himself in his room without going out in the weekends. His sister was very worried of his condition.
Afraid of the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires, he spent time alone, time that felt way too long.
He had to think of what to do now, yet he couldn’t be certain of what he would do during his contemplation.
He was unwilling of doing anything, nor was he willing to unwind himself.
There was this once he smashed his alarm clock before him when his desires had been unleashed.
This rage of wreaking things hidden in him appalled him.
He didn’t know what he would become eventually.
He was afraid he would become someone that would hurt or damage something important to him.
If alone, he would sink in a swamp, unable to do anything.
Letting go of his superfluous thoughts, he went to school as usual on Monday.
He endeavored to refrain himself from thinking of things that would grieve his heart. He let his thoughts wander afar and concentrated on things right in front of him.
To tell the truth, he couldn’t control his thoughts in a pleasing way. Every time something happened, different thoughts would run across his mind.
Be it as it may, nothing induced by the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires affected people around him.
Was it merely his luck? Or was he this kind of a person?
Taichi hadn’t spoken to anyone in the club today too.
The sixth lesson of Monday was the cla.s.s meeting time of cla.s.s 1C. The president of the cla.s.s—Fujis.h.i.+ma Maiko—is standing in front of teacher’s table, discussing the issues regarding the coming outdoor learning activity during the weekends. Taichi reminded himself to concentrate on what was happening at the moment.
“This discussion is getting boring. Wouldn’t it be great if everything is decided for us at the beginning?” said Watase, sitting beside Taichi. The two of them were seating near each other at the first semester as well as the second.
“This activity needs everyone’s partic.i.p.ation, I guess.”
Each cla.s.s of the first year of Yamabos.h.i.+ High School students could decide where to go and what to do in the autumn outdoor learning activity. It had been several times since they had discussed this in the cla.s.s meetings, and this discussion was final.
“How exhausting. This is just another normal hiking anyway. It’s definitely the teacher’s slacking off to throw everything for the students to decide.”
“Speak something constructive instead.”
“Hey, her highness Fujis.h.i.+ma is here anyway. She’s marvelous and pretty today too.”
Watase had been mentioning Fujis.h.i.+ma’s name from time to time. Was he a super m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.t?
“But why ‘highness’?”
Taichi turned his head to look at Fujis.h.i.+ma. Her hair bundled behind her head and her combed bangs were very neat and tidy as usual.
“So, let’s talk about grouping, in which different groups will undergo the main activity of this trip—preparing curry rice.”
Their cla.s.s teacher, Gotou Ryuuzen, left after saying, “Thanks so much. I’ll let Fujis.h.i.+ma take on from here”, and Fujis.h.i.+ma took on briskly.
“I’m planning to have eight groups, with five group mates in each. I originally wanted to have ten groups, but since Cla.s.s 1A will share our facilities, I’ve changed to eight so our demand wouldn’t overweigh our resources.”
“Will there be too many groups?”
“Won’t it be better if there are more people in one group?”
Students began to throw in their own opinion (complaints).
“What are you talking about?” said Fujis.h.i.+ma, shaking her head helplessly.
“It is of course important to sweeten our youth with memories of frolic with our friends, but are you satisfied with merely that? Aren’t there some things more important?”
The cla.s.s fell silent; everyone was concentrating on what Fujis.h.i.+ma had to say.
“Yes. It’s—love!”
As if pointing out the criminal like a renowned detective, Fujis.h.i.+ma showed her finger energetically.
“When there are less group mates, everyone has to put his or her all into it. It is because of little group mates that would prevent the phenomenon—girls and boys talking to their own same genders—from occurring. They would then, gradually, begin to work together, and understand each other, or even have bodily contact! Do you really want this chance of germination of something vanish down the drain? Okay, let me ask again: do you want eight groups? Or less?”
“Let’s have eight groups! Fujis.h.i.+ma-sama!” exclaimed most boys in the cla.s.s.
Watase even shouted in unison.
Nevertheless, when did Fujis.h.i.+ma become such a character? She should be more like a strict cla.s.s president. Wait? Why couldn’t he think of how she looked when she was strict?
“I understand. Then, since there are twenty-eight people in either gender group, we’ll have to split boys and girls into four three-person groups and four two-person groups respectively. If someone hopes to do so, we can also allow boys or girls to form pure-gender groups. I would make adjustments if some groups couldn’t be formed. Let’s start!”
Under Fujis.h.i.+ma’s announcement, everyone left their seats and began a heated discussion. Taichi was thinking of whom to pair up with. Let alone boys, should he find Nagase and Inaba to be in the same group as him to prevent the unexpected? Nevertheless, they kept their distance to prevent any hazards. No, if he were to think to much again, he would... He remembered when Nagase knocked onto the cabinet. It was nice to think that it was a small cut instead of any sever damage, but had she knocked into a window, some gla.s.s, or other stuff...
“Let’s be in the same group, Yaegas.h.i.+!”
“Cool. No problem with that,” Taichi nodded a.s.sent to what Watase had said.
“Then, for the girls, I would like Fujis.h.i.+ma!”
“Um..”
“Hey, maybe you want Nagase and Inaba together with you, but it’s off limits this time. You have enough time flirting them in your club activities; shouldn’t you give me a hand this time? Okay, I’ll recommend a great dating place for you next time. I promise,” said Watase, shaking Taichi’s shoulders, his eyes dead serious.
“When did I start flirting girls?”
Giving up what to think or do, Taichi tried to divert his attention on some other carefree topics.
“Watase, I should put it like this. Although I know you’re basically popular among girls, and your love experience is ample, Fujis.h.i.+ma isn’t the one you want to get along with.”
“That’s why I want her. Besides, why do you speak like you know her very much?”
“Th-This is hard to explain on the fly.”
As Taichi escaped Watase’s question, he looked round the cla.s.sroom, catching a glimpse of Nagase and Inaba having a conversation at some distance away from him.
“It’s better if we’re in the same group, Inaban.”
“Keep a distance away from me; don’t you remember what I said?” said Inaba, seemingly irascible.
“Y-You don’t have to say this,” said Nagase unsteadily.
The atmosphere seemed unwell.
“This for your own good.”
“I’m also doing this for your good too...”
“I’m right, not you.”
“That’s hard to say!” shouted Nagase.
The students around her turned around to look at her with surprise. The unsteady atmosphere stirred the people within it. Had Nagase’s desire been unleashed? Should I stop her? Even if I do...
“Stop ranting, you idiot! Tsk, please, get away from me.”
Inaba’s looked extremely apathetic, though her desire didn’t seem to have unleashed. This made Tacihi even more perturbed. Nagase gritted her teeth to bear the pain, her face at the verge of tears.
“I’m going to wash my face,” murmured Nagase, saying this to herself, and left the cla.s.sroom afterwards.
The cla.s.sroom had fell into silence.
“Nagase...”
He ought to catch her, Taichi thought, rising up. At this moment, a clear and loud voice stormed the silent cla.s.sroom.
“Inaba as well as Nagase will form a group with me,” said the cla.s.s president, Fujis.h.i.+ Maiko.
“What the h.e.l.l?” protested Inaba.
“I’ll be the one to blame if Inaba and Nagase doesn’t get along with each other and destroy the ambience of our cla.s.s.”
“I don’t have to listen to your c.r.a.p!”
Inaba showed her agitation. Perhaps the word self-control had left her mind.
“As the cla.s.s president, I have to safeguard the love and peace in our cla.s.s.”
“Be that as it may, you have no right to decide!”
“Surely I have. I’m the cla.s.s president.”
Fujis.h.i.+ma looked like a comrade of justice, but Taichi didn’t expect she would safeguard the love in their cla.s.s too.
“Is it all right then, Yaegas.h.i.+?”
“Eh? What?” Taichi made a weird noise out of surprise.
“Let me see...you’re in the same group as Watase. Then, it’s decided: Nagase, Inaba, Yaegas.h.i.+, Watase, and I will form a five-person group. Is that all right, Yaegas.h.i.+?”
“Why do you have to ask me...”
“Shut up.”
It occurred to Taichi that it was Fujis.h.i.+ma who asked him first—it seemed she was brilliant in too many ways recently.
“Tsk!” said, Inaba.
On the other hand, Watase patted on Taichi’s shoulders, “Yaegas.h.i.+, I’ll treat you to juice next time—two cans, that is.”
Their lessons were over once the cla.s.s meeting ended. As Taichi thought of what to do, he looked around, only to see Inaba walking to Nagase’s side. Although he couldn’t hear what they’re saying, they seem to be having a discussion. Nevertheless, Inaba quickly left Nagase with her back facing her.
“Inaba,” Nagase called upon Inaba, but Inaba neglected her and left.
Nagase drooped her shoulders sorrowfully. Apparently, as her shoulders droop, her schoolbag slid along her shoulder and fell onto the floor. Nagase then slowly picked up the bag that was rolling on the floor. At this moment, she met her eyes with Taichi. Taichi quickly averted his eyes, feeling immediately afterwards something nasty was happening.
Why? Why did he avert his eyes? It was obvious his action was deliberately neglecting her. Although they shouldn’t be too close in order to restrain themselves from hurting others, he had no need to neglect her. Wasn’t this hurting Nagase too? It was completely nonsense. Taichi eyed his table, thought over it, and lifted his gaze gingerly: Nagase was walking out of the cla.s.sroom, dejected and worn out. Taichi had a rush to call for her and comfort her, but when he thought that this rush was merely because his being unwilling to see her sorrowful face, he hated himself.
Taichi was in the cla.s.sroom alone. The clock hung on the wall pointed at the number four. People heading for home had started their journey; people with club activities were heading for their clubs. It would be better if he returned home early to feel safe and sound. Although he knew this, he just couldn’t stand up.
While he was idling away time, the door of the cla.s.sroom was opened. Coming in through the door was the cla.s.s teacher of cla.s.s 1C as well as the advisor of their club—Gotou Ryuuzen. Could it be «Heartseed»? Taichi thought for an instant.
“Oh, Yaegas.h.i.+, what are you doing in the cla.s.sroom all by yourself?”
It wasn’t «Heartseed». He was just the normal Gotou.
“Nothing. Really.”
Gotou walked in the cla.s.sroom.
“Hey, let’s put that aside for now. Anyway, some other teachers complained to me that this teacher’s table is rocking around, so I asked the school to replace it with a new one, but they told me to replace it myself. Is this reasonable? This isn’t part of a teacher’s job, isn’t it? Although they seem they"ll help change it tomorrow, but the teacher who complained to me said he has lessons tomorrow. This teacher is very grouchy, you see.”
As he said endlessly, he lifted the teacher’s table and stopped.
“You look like you have nothing to do. Come on and help me out.”
As such, Taichi was carrying the teacher’s table alongside Gotou. Taichi faced the direction they were heading to refrain from looking directly at Gotou. Although Gotou didn’t do anything that upset him, but it wasn’t pleasant for him to remember «Heartseed» every time he saw him.
“Yo. It’s lucky to have you help me out. It would be dangerous to carry this thing along the stairs.”
“Oh,” said Taichi impotently.
Usually, Taichi could make out the difference between Gotou and «Heartseed», but now he couldn’t treat Gotou with a normal state of mind. He was scared he would get angry at Gotou.
Turning over the corner of the corridor, they entered some other parts of the school.
“Yo,” said Gotou, with a slight change in tone, “is something bugging you?”
Having being poked at the painful spot, Taichi nearly dropped the teacher’s table and caught a good hold of it afterwards.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“It is unconvincing to deny it with this dejected face. Are you ditched? Let me guess...Nagase or Inaba? Or could it be...Kiriyama?”
“Nothing of this sort,” Taichi said flatly. He wished things wouldn’t always head to the love aspect.
“You should find a friend to discuss with you at such times.”
“Eh?”
As Gotou sounded dead serious, speaking like a teacher, Taichi couldn’t help replying in a surprised voice.
“I was saying—you should go and talk to a friend about it. Oh, don’t ask me for suggestions! I won’t care about love problems among high school students.”
Taichi didn’t respond, but he murmured what Gotou had said: “most problems could be solved if you talk to a friend about it.”
When Gotou said this with such feeling, he didn’t sound like the teacher who cared about nothing and acted like a student. He sounded like a dependable adult. Taichi’s self-protection was softened a bit, and he let out a bit of what he was thinking, “But if I do discuss with my friends, they’ll get hurt.”
They wanted to discuss measures on helping Kiriyama, but they instead hurt one and another to an extent they weren’t certain of.
“What? Aren’t friends people who hurt and trouble one another?”
Taichi looked at Gotou in surprise, but Gotou just looked at him with a face that told him ‘what are you saying? It’s obvious’.
“By the way, what do you mean by getting hurt just by discussion? Oh, is it a triangular relations.h.i.+p?”
As Gotou questioned and answered himself afterwards, he continued to nod his a.s.sent of what he had said to himself.
“Should you be in this situations, you might as well try not to escape and make everything clear and get a mutual understanding. There is always a way to solve problems if you discuss with each other directly. This is what friends do. Sometimes, you might fail, but if you don’t speak it out and leave it alone, you’ll regret for the rest of your life. With that said, isn’t taking action and failing afterwards sound better?”
It wasn’t looking at it optimistically, nor was it being afraid of the risks. It was believing that things would mend themselves at the end and adopt measures. Taichi listened to Gotou with attention.
“You might fail, but without some head-on arguments, you wouldn’t end up becoming true friends. How should I put it? If you only play it safe, you may lose the most important thing.”
His words slowly sunk into Taichi’s heart: would he lose the most important thing if he played it safe?
“Yah, by the way, don’t I sound like a teacher when I say this stuff? Can’t you be a bit touched?”
“If you didn’t add this line, I may as well say bluntly I’m touched.”
“What. At this moment, you should just bluntly tell me, ‘I’m touched, teacher!’ Or should I say...oh, hey, Fujis.h.i.+ma, what are you doing here?”
Gotou called for Fujis.h.i.+ma, who had met him along the corridor.
“I have something to deal with about the outdoor learning activity. Do you have some stuff to handle too, teacher? Thanks so much,” said Fujis.h.i.+ma formally.
“Seems like it. By the way, Fujis.h.i.+ma, could you hear Yaegas.h.i.+ out?”
“Eh?”
“What?”
Taichi as well as Fujis.h.i.+ma made a puzzled voice.
“I have been discussing with Yaegas.h.i.+ about how important friends are. So, Fujis.h.i.+ma, can you listen him out? He seems to have something bugging him.”
“Teacher, even when I’m the cla.s.s president and you the cla.s.s teacher, you can’t tell me to do everything. Besides, Yaegas.h.i.+ is not my friend but my enemy.”
So this was how Fujis.h.i.+ma took Taichi as.
“What? Fujis.h.i.+ma is the enemy? Hey, what kind of complicated relations.h.i.+p do you have? High school students recently are too avant-garde. Anyway, isn’t it great that Fujis.h.i.+ma has a relation to the problem? So, you guys should have a discussion.”
“W-Wait, ‘Go’!”
Even when Taichi called Gotou with his nickname, Gotou didn’t listen to him.
Gotou, who seemed to have been greatly underestimated, used his strength to lift the teacher’s table that he and Taichi had been lifting alone, and left Taichi and Fujis.h.i.+ma.
Taichi and Fujis.h.i.+ma were then left at the centre of the corridor where no one would pa.s.s through.
“What the heck? Forget it. Yaegas.h.i.+, what is bugging you?” asked Fujis.h.i.+ma, lifting her gla.s.ses at the same time.
“Nothing.”
There was not much to discuss with Fujis.h.i.+ma. Besides, he had once thought of pus.h.i.+ng her away. It wasn’t appropriate to get too close to her.
Yet, Taichi stopped his thoughts for a moment.
It occurred to him he had been mistaken.
“No? Then leave it. Oh, can it be something pertaining to Inaba and Nagase?”
“Mmm...”
Being poked right at the spot, Taichi couldn’t help changing his face.
“Okay! So, as the protector of peace and love in the cla.s.s, I can’t leave it alone. What’s the matter? Let it out.”
Fujis.h.i.+ma had the daring of pus.h.i.+ng him to explain; her eyes behind her gla.s.ses accentuated this horrifying pressure.
He might not be able to get away if he said nothing.
Besides, he might understand some things if he would reach out a step here.
After all, his mood wasn’t bad now, and the violence in his heart had rested a bit. Even if his desires were unleashed, things wouldn’t get too worse.
Taichi then tried to ask Fujis.h.i.+ma the question he had asked Gotou.
“Let’s see. If you’ll hurt others when you discuss with them, what will you do?”
Having heard Taichi’s question, Fujis.h.i.+ma heaved a sigh. She seemed to be telling him: “Don’t you even know that?”
“So, can’t you just avoid discussing with others?”
“Yes, this is the most probable answer, but if no discussion is undergone, some things couldn’t be done.”
“Then discuss with them.”
“But they might get hurt then.”
“Let me ask you, Yaegas.h.i.+. Which is the most important? Is it hurting the one you discuss with or finis.h.i.+ng a task through discussion? What is your most important goal? What is the thing you treasure the most? You can try asking yourself these questions,” said Fujis.h.i.+ma continuously.
His most important goal.
The thing he treasured the most.
“When you can decide the most important things with faith and determination, other things will mend themselves at the end. On the contrary, in many occasions, if you don’t decide, things will never get started,” said Fujis.h.i.+ma, showing a smile afterwards.
Seeing Fujis.h.i.+ma, who had always been wearing an iron mask, smile, would trigger a subtle feeling of whether it was fine to see such a smile on her.
Nevertheless, Taichi reckoned it as a smile with great charm.
“By the way, I think humans essentially are creatures that will hurt one another. Anyway, it is your freedom in how to take it.”
Humans essentially are creatures that will hurt one another. This is what Fujis.h.i.+ma proposed and taken as a fact.
At this moment, Fujis.h.i.+ma said, “Oh, sorry,” and took out her phone. It seemed someone was phoning her.
“h.e.l.lo? Oh, what’s the matter? Okay, so you want to talk about some love agonies? Hand it to me.”
Their reliable cla.s.s president surely seemed busy.
“Okay, bye.”
Closing her phone, Fujis.h.i.+ma looked back at Taichi.
“Sorry, I’ve some things to take care of. Do you any other things you want to ask me?”
“No, it’s fine. You should take care of those things now.”
“Really? Then I’m off. You’re welcome to ask me any questions anytime. If it will affect our cla.s.s, I’ll even aid you,” Fujis.h.i.+ma said elegantly, and left him.
Owing to her being too elegant, Taichi suddenly said, half-jokingly, “Fujis.h.i.+ma, what actually are you?”
“Me?”
Fujis.h.i.+ma turned her head, her hair bundled behind her fluttering along the wind.
She pushed her gla.s.ses.
“Let me think about it. I think I can be said as a preacher of love,” said Fujis.h.i.+ma with a serious look even when speaking something like a joke.
Fujis.h.i.+ma left him gradually and disappeared after she took a turn at the stairs.
Taichi was left at the corridor alone.
Although he was alone, he didn’t feel he was here all by himself.
The school broadcast came at this moment: “Mr. Gotou, Mr. Gotou. Please come to the staff room immediately.”
It was a broadcast calling for Gotou. Taichi hoped it wasn’t because his forgot to join the meetings.
Blowing some air out, Taichi took a step forward and began walking.
After the club members, including him, were affected by the phenomena induced by «Heartseed», they had always had discussions together.
It was surely understandable when one considered their situations.
Nevertheless, there were more than them in the world. They would affect people around them; they would ask people around them for strength and trouble the people around them.
Whenever the time, he would be connected to people of all sorts.
Taichi, at last, remembered this obvious fact he had almost forgotten.
Taichi entered the clubroom alone.
It had only been a few days of departure, yet he missed this place a lot.
He sat on the black sofa originally made for three.
The two long tables were aligned together, with no one sitting on the folded chairs surrounding it.
It had already been a fortnight since their last gathering.
Taichi breathed in deeply and potently.
He began thinking of what to do.
Normally, he would easily become dubious and worried of what he would do when he was thinking alone, but now he felt it was fine.
He knew it was deceiving to say he wasn’t afraid, especially when his thoughts of helping others emerged from him, he might even hurt others, which was quite dangerous.
Nevertheless, it occurred to him that he might understand some things if he were to put harder work into it.
There was something beyond the brightness that Gotou and Fujis.h.i.+ma shared.
He couldn’t get lost, lest he would be unable to perceive matters that were important to him.
So he began thinking.
He had now been trying to keep a distance from everyone in the club. Why? This is because he didn’t want to hurt anyone. He chose to abstain because of this. Yet, was it really the right choice? Surely, perhaps the unleas.h.i.+ng of desire might end while he was still abstaining, but no one could say for sure when it would end. Besides, had they gone to a stage they couldn’t abstain any more? If it went on like this, would everyone ultimately shut himself or herself away? If this continued, they were bound to erupt because they would gradually be unable to withstand it. They must prevent this from happening. Also, what was the most important thing to him?
He was now endeavoring so as to prevent hurting anyone. This was of course an important thing. It was an important thing to do one’s best to prevent hurting anyone near one. Nevertheless, was this his goal? Was it fine to just accomplish this goal? Was he living just for this? Of course not. This couldn’t be his goal. So, why was he endeavoring to prevent hurting anyone? This was because they were his comrades, and he cherished them. Certainly, the feelings within him were not purely feelings induced by his unwilling to see someone hurt, but why would it still feel so painful when he was living not for the cause of preventing himself from hurting anyone? What should he do to solve this problem? What was the thing he truly hoped for? Was it simply everyone gathering together?
Kiriyama locked herself in her house due to her being shocked. Everyone had planned to solve this together, yet they ended up having a grudge against each other, and consequently, their bonds fell apart.
So, what should he do now?
What did he want the situation to transform into?
Which resolution was the most ideal?
For their bonds to connect again, and that they could work together to solve the problem of Kiriyama locking herself in her house—isn’t this the goal he wanted to accomplish?
This was obviously the most ideal resolution, but why hadn’t he endeavored to accomplish this? This was because he had messed things up, forgotten it, and lost the most important thing.
What should he do when defending would only worsen things?
It was offense.
Offense was sometimes the best defense.
He was utterly unwilling to see anyone hurt or anyone p.r.o.ne to be hurt, so he would sacrifice anything to solve this problem.
He was opinionated.
Can opinionated people wish for these things? He didn’t know. Nevertheless, it was fine to ask others if he didn"t know. Should he be a.s.sured by this tricky situation, matters would only worsen. So, why not just put an end to it?
He had goals he pursued.
Would anyone concur to his desire?
The faces of Nagase, Inaba, Kiriyama, and Aoki ran on Taichi’s mind.
He wanted to be with everyone again.
He wished everyone could gather once again in this clubroom.
Perhaps he was headstrong, but what did he truly want to do now?
He hoped for a reunion.
What did others think?
Taichi decided to contact Nagase Iori.
She was the only person by far that hadn’t yet actively kept her distance with everyone.
Taichi waited in the clubroom for Nagase.
Nagase seemed to be still in school; she said she would come immediately to the clubroom.
At this moment, the door was blasted loudly.
“Tai-Taichi!” shouted Nagase, gasping.
“Yo. You don’t need to be in such a hurry.”
“T-This is because you have something to tell me.”
Nagase pressed on her knees with her hands, bending her body, seemingly exhausted. Taichi let her calm down before talking.
Nagase was gasping repeatedly.
There was an inevitable fear rus.h.i.+ng into him when he confronted Nagase like this. Whatever excuses he could find, he might hurt Nagase by accident, or if there weren’t the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires...still, the fact that he had hurt Nagase wouldn’t vanish. Besides, he might have hurt Fujis.h.i.+ma. All of these were evidence he couldn’t neglect.
It was the worst to hurt someone physically.
He was the worst because he enforced it.
Even if his actions were enforced because of the effects of the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires, it wouldn’t happen if he didn’t want it. Once he were occupied by a thought, this thought would be the only thing that mattered to him—he couldn’t even imagine what he would do then.
This was the person he was, although he was this person...
“So, Taichi. What is it?” asked Nagase, her breathing steadied.
Taichi looked at Nagase’s face directly, meeting her eyes with his.
Those eyes that resembled limpid gems reflected Taichi’s image.
Nagase had no intention to escape. She decided to look at what was going to happen.
What did he want to do?
Was this something that could be forgiven?
“Listen to me, Nagase. I’m extremely selfish and stubborn. Once I believe that something is right, I will rush into doing it without paying heed to anything else.”
Nagase stared at Taichi calmly.
“Also, I’m one of those people who would be adamant in their opinion if they think they are right.”
This was why he had hurt Inaba, had a quarrel with Aoki, and even hurt Nagase.
“So, I-I’m still self-centered now.”
Taichi must reckon this bluntly.
“It’s because I’m such a b.a.s.t.a.r.d that I kept my distance from everyone in order to prevent myself from hurting anyone. I think you know this.”
He failed, however, and he was utterly discouraged and dismayed.
“But, after we had parted, I thought over it. I still want to be with everyone.”
Was this a selfish and stubborn wish?
“But I have mentioned. I’m self-centred. I might hurt others sometimes. Of course, I would do my utmost to prevent myself from doing so. Still...”
Do humans have ways to live without hurting others?
“I really hate myself for my traits. I know for sure no one likes to get hurt, but I still want to be with everyone.”
The bonds of the five were very important to Taichi.
“Should we separate because we don’t want to get hurt, I would rather get hurt sometimes to redeem the opportunity to be with everyone. So, if you don’t mind to get hurt sometimes, do you still wish to...may I still be at your side?”
Let me try to wish. Let me try to ask.
How does Nagase think of this?
While Taichi was speaking, Nagase stared Taichi’s eyes without blinking.
Nagase sucked in her snivel. Her mouth was twitching, her eyebrows furrowed, her eyes welled with tears.
“Eh...ah...hey...”
Taichi was at a loss because he didn’t expect her to cry.
At the next instant, Nagase sat down on the floor.
“Taichi, you’re so mean!”
“Eh...Um...I’m sorry. My way of putting it...”
“That isn’t the problem!” continued Nagase, sitting on the floor.
“I have always worked hard for a reunion, even when you guys call me to back off! Even when no one comes to the clubroom, I’ll still visit Yui alone!”
Having been said by Nagase, Taichi knew one thing again.
He had always thought he was the person who had been thinking for everyone else and trying hard not to hurt anyone, but he hadn’t even realised that Nagase was in such pain.
All of the care he thought had put for others proved futile.
“But if everyone will get hurt because of this, it couldn’t be helped if we had to keep a distance...this was what I originally thought.”
Nagase abruptly lifted her head. Although her eyes were red and puffy, she hadn’t shed a tear.
“But you told me it that hurting one another is inevitable. Is this possible?”
Taichi didn’t know the answer.
This depended on how Nagase and the others would take it.
Nagase lowered her head again.
Then, she lifted her head anew.
“But, I think it’s possible,” said Nagase, with a brilliant smile on her face.
Taichi was soothed by her smile, and he smiled himself, feeling a bit awkward for not smiling for so long.
He stretched his right hand, and Nagase rose with the aid of his hand.
The two of them stared at each other from a very small distance, a distance that they could embrace each other should they reach out their hands.
Nevertheless, they quickly averted their eyes and stepped backwards. Yes, the distance they had was too embarra.s.sing.
“Tai-Taichi. Do you plan to say the same thing to everyone else, so everyone could gather once again in the clubroom?” asked Nagase, her face slightly becoming sanguine.
“Yeah. This is my plan.”
Taichi wanted to do this, and he hoped everyone wanted to as well—though this was only what he hoped for.
How should he determine whether what he was doing was right or wrong?
The answer was very simple: you only have to talk to people.
“Is that so? I still feel a bit troubled. I thought of a lot of things too, and I’ve worked hard, yet you s.n.a.t.c.hed my line all at once,” said Nagase, pouting.
“Um...this is what you care about...”
“I’m just joking. I wanted to catch you off guard. I really don’t care! It’s the same for anyone to solve it.”
He thought their relations.h.i.+p was in a frozen state, yet it was melted in a nick of time through communication.
Although they had a short separation, the connection between them still existed.
“By the way, Taichi, didn’t you say you are very self-centered just now?”
“Y-Yeah.”
“You’re certainly self-centered.”
“Wuaghh!”
Indeed, he would still be shocked to hear someone say this to him.
“Although you’re self-centered, most of the things you plan to do are correct, though there are times there are problems in the way, you carry them out. How should I put it?” said Nagase, c.o.c.king her head while she spoke.
“You’re too upright, like a headstrong old man.”
“So, that doesn’t really mean I’m an old man, does it?”
Taichi had been a bit bothered by this since the time her sister said something of the sort to him.
“Ahaha. Maybe you’re a bit like that.”
During this time, he opened his mind to talk to Nagase, which was extremely satisfying. Taichi started to feel the situation they were in wasn’t a big deal. Besides, they should be able to suppress the effects of the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires to their lowest.
“However, I couldn’t believe I would hear you say that hurting one another is inevitable.”
“I really don’t like this. I really hate it, but why? This is probably due to the pain we are suffering induced by the way we choose to live.”
Taichi was still a bit confused, but his will for everyone to gather was much more important than everything that was residing in his heart. Perhaps, this was how important the bonds of comrades are to him.
“Oh, one thing. I have to apologize to you officially. I’m sorry I pushed you away and hurt your head.”
Nagase showed a troubled face as Taichi began speaking.
“How many times do you want to apologize? Wasn’t it just an accident because you wanted me to give way? Besides, it was induced by the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires.”
No matter how many times he had to apologize, Taichi felt it wasn’t enough.
“But I..”
“Taichi,” interrupted Nagase.
“Didn’t you say it’s inevitable that sometimes we will hurt one another?”
“This is a bit different.”
“Yeah, maybe. But it doesn’t matter! This is because I, as the victim, say it’s fine. It’s all right if you are more careful next time.”
Nagase smiled gently.
“Yeah. The most important thing is to never do this again in the future.”
“This is what I’m saying.”
“But can I do it? No. I should be working hard to employ it. I must work hard.”
Although Taichi reckoned that friends would hurt one another, he didn’t reckon that friends could hurt one another unconditionally.
He didn’t know how strong his determination would play in the situation they were caught in, but if it was what he thought in his heart, a change might happen.
What person was he now?
What person would he become in the future?
“All right! Taichi, your plan isn’t only to call me back to the clubroom, is it?”
Nagase grinned.
Seeing Nagase’s smile, Taichi knew he could handle anything.
“Yeah. Of course. I hope everyone can be together again. I think it’s better for everyone. Certainly, we still have to look at how they think.”
“Great, but what should we do? Phone...no, it would be better if we meet in person, wouldn"t it? So, let me find Inaba. After all, I had a quarrel with her in the cla.s.sroom today.”
“Okay. So I’ll try to find Aoki. Besides, I think it’ll be better if you talked to her one-to-one. I too had a great quarrel with Aoki, so I want to have a big talk with him.”
“Yeah. You’re right. Finally, the most important is Yui.”
“Yes.”
Kiriyama was the one hurt the most. Even if it was inevitable that they would hurt one another, this argument couldn’t be pushed onto Yui.
Nevertheless, there would always be a way if they worked hard together. Although they didn’t know whether they would succeed, Taichi believed they would, and thus he tried to work hard again.
The club could only stand when the five members were around.
“So, let’s go. The next time we come back to the clubroom, I hope all five of us will be here.”
“Yeah!”
Taichi and Nagase knocked on each other’s fists to elevate their spirits.
Taichi phoned Aoki. As Taichi sent a message that embedded the meaning, “I want you to have a chat with you directly no matter what”, Aoki, though appalled by Taichi’s vigour, agreed for a chat.
Since Taichi wanted to meet him earlier, he decided to go to Aoki’s house.
They met at a riverbank beside a station that closest to Aoki’s house.
Aoki was still wearing his uniform. Upon seeing Taichi, Aoki showed a wry smile in embarra.s.sment and waved to him.
“Yo. It feels like ages since we last seen each other,” commenced Taichi, approaching Aoki with small running steps.
Although they hadn’t met for only four days, the distance of four days felt abnormally long in their hearts.
“Yeah. You’re right.”
Aoki averted his eyes.
Aoki had usually kept a cheerful att.i.tude. It was rare that Taichi would tread into such an atmosphere with him.
What would happen? What would he say? What was I thinking? These scary thoughts monopolized his mind.
If he failed again, or if he were to have a quarrel...
The unleas.h.i.+ng of desires would expose every bit of a person, but if they could still be friends even when exposed, then this phenomenon wouldn’t even be worth mentioning.
Aoki once said to Taichi, “Who do you think you are?”, and even criticized him for being a self-centered person. This saddened Taichi a lot.
Nevertheless, what he said was true.
Taichi had once thought that separating would be better than being hated too.
Still, he wanted to be friends with Aoki.
This was what he thought. What was left was how Aoki took it.
“Um, Aoki. I...said really bad words before. I’m arrogant and opinionated, and had always been thinking I was omnipotent and what I reckon was true; however, this was wrong. I can’t wipe out my mistakes, but please let me apologize. Sorry.”
Taichi lowered his head in apology.
Aoki didn’t answer him straight away, and thus there was a pause between them.
Taichi lifted his head worryingly, wanting to know what would happen, only to see Aoki messing his hair around with his hands and facing the river.
“Ahh. Rats! I was indeed caught up! Wuaghh,” cried Aoki ferociously.
“Hey, hey. Why are you so loud? Take caution of those around you.”
Taichi fell into a panic. Aoki, on the other hand, smiled with ease.
“Aye, Taichi. Let’s sit down and have a chat. Doesn’t it feel like youth when two men chat while looking at the setting sun over the river? Let’s ‘youth’ a bit!”
As a result, Taichi sat beside Aoki.
The sunlight reflected on the moving river, s.h.i.+ning with gleam. Wind blew against Taichi’s cheeks. Although it was a bit late, the temperature still felt comfortable.
“Aye. Actually, I wanted to apologize too! Though, I knew I was caught up once you phoned me,” said Aoki, smiling.
“You sent me a message of apology before, but I neglected it. How should I put it? What Iori said hit me greatly. It made me look like a stingy person. Oh, I don’t mean that Iori said some bad stuff, it’s just that I was stunned because her words got me.”
“They got you?”
“It’s because of my inability that I would be jealous of you who could save everyone. Even when I didn’t want to acknowledge this and tried to escape...especially from myself...I thought I was thinking for Yui all the time, yet the person I thought the most was myself. This really hit me.”
“Those so-called saving people are just a coincidence. Besides, I too said I would save Kiriyama, but it was actually just for my own sake.”
Phew. Both of them heaved a sigh.
“Taichi, I’m really sorry. It’s because of my pointless jealousy that I said something bad to you. If you’re willing to forgive me...”
“It’s fine, Aoki. It’s because what you said was true that I also need to concede.”
He had to concede that he was this kind of a person.
“Also, I really am an arrogant jerk. If we stay together, I think we might get into arguments frequently. Are you still willing to be together with me despite this? I hope I can play and chat with you in the clubroom again.”
Aoki eyed Taichi’s face and winked several times.
“Oh, do you still have to say this at this time? Or should I say this feels like words between couples? It’s really embarra.s.sing! I don’t have that interest, mind you.”
“Neither do I!”
They laughed together this time.
“Sigh, but I’m really useless. I had a grudge against you, yet the one who summoned his courage to apologize is you.”
“Still, you didn’t say anything wrong, Aoki.”
“To think deeper, doesn’t this mean you are always thinking about how to save Yui? I feel that that’s something really incredible. Besides, if your desires weren’t unleashed and you could remain calm, I don’t think you would adopt a way that hurt others.”
“You can put it that way if we look at it positively. By the way, a similar thing goes for you, Aoki. You did that for Yui, didn’t you?”
“You can say so, but perhaps it ended up for myself. To act purely for someone else, however, is essentially impossible. These things could only be done by those benevolent people who have understood everything,” murmured, Aoki, setting his gaze afar.
Aoki would sometimes say such sophisticated things.
Though he looked frivolous, he truly knew what was important.
Whatever they do, they were still immature people.
They couldn’t live just for a person.
Nevertheless, they could learn to accept it.
“You’re right about it ending up for ourselves, but we still...”
Taichi stopped half, and Aoki continued his words,” want to help Yui, right?”
Aoki slapped Taichi’s thighs.
“All right. Then, let’s think of ways to help her! Oh, if our desires get unleashed in the middle of our discussion... anyway, these things don’t matter any more to me now.”
“Yeah. Also...”
As soon as Taichi spoke, he waved his head and said it was nothing.
He wanted originally to contact Nagase who was finding Inaba. If she succeeded, then they’d find a place for the reunion. Nevertheless, he decided to put it on hold first. Nagase would find him if things worsened anyway.
It occurred to him that he would be able to do something if were to work together with Aoki. If they were really able to solve Kiriyama’s problem, then it would be great. If they couldn’t, they could then come up with new ways or ask for help from others.
“So, let’s think about how to deal with Yui’s problem. No, saying that we’ll ‘deal with’ her problem is a bit arrogant, should I say: what do we hope that Yui will do?” Aoki brought up the matter anew.
“I still think that leaving her alone is not an option. After all, we don’t know when will the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires stop.”
In the worst-case scenario, if she was unwilling, they could let her keep some distance from them. It was fine even if she didn’t come to clubroom.
It was, at least, better than letting her lock herself in her room without even coming to school.
“It’ll be great if we don’t hurt anyone because of this. Yeah.”
They were agonized suddenly.
“Aye, although it sucks to say this first, is this too difficult for us two? I think Kiriyama should also do her bit.”
If they could find a measure that would solve the problem at its root, it was fine; however, looking at what they were in, they knew it was difficult. This was why Kiriyama ought to have the cognition to bear risk.
“You’re right!”
“Besides, we already know that we could suppress the effects of the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires by paying attention to our mood swing, although we would fail ‘sometimes’.”
Aoki corrected himself. He was correct.
“Can’t we stop Kiriyama when we are at her side?”
“Do we have a way to suppress her?”
It looked impossible, as what they were dealing with is Kiriyama Yui, once a genius karate girl.
Taichi continued, maintaining his determination, “Wouldn’t it work if we just say ‘It’ll be fine if we are careful enough!’ ?”
“Eh, what’s wrong with that determination of the Showa Period? Taichi, are you using your brain?”
“Ah, I’m being said by Aoki.”
How shocking.
“Or should I say, thanks to your theory last time that Yui could overcome her trauma. Oh, but is it because of the marvelous act of kicking the fatal spot? To tell the truth, what type of logical deduction that you used to come up with these ways?”
“At those times...I think it’s because of the special phenomenon of the personality exchange. Or to say it another way, it could only happen because of the personality exchange.”
“What an incredible and positive way of thinking it! You could think backwards!”
Aoki exaggeratedly bent backwards.
“But there’s nothing we could only do this time...ah!”
Aoki’s whole body fell backwards.
He raised his hands, as if crying in joy.
“What’s it?” asked Taichi.
“I-I think I’ve caught some inspiration.”
“R-Really?”
“Yeah. I don’t know whether it will work successfully. S-So, I need to think of a way to say it! Mm, if only Inaba was here, it would be great. She’s great at saying false stuff, you know.”
Having heard Aoki’s words, Taichi, after some reluctance, decided to speak what he had in mind, “I’m also great at it!”
Although this wasn’t much to be proud of, Taichi still tried to say it.
It was due to this vigor in him.
Make hay while the sun s.h.i.+nes— with this in mind, Taichi and Aoki decided to take action immediately.
They arrived at Kiriyama’s house a bit late at night.
They met Kiriyama’s mother at the door and chatted for a while. She seemed to have forgotten to buy something, so she was going out to the supermarket to buy them.
Compared with what she looked like last week, Kiriyama’s mother looked a lot more skinny— even Taichi who had only seen her for some time could realise. How much pain was she feeling? How worried were Kiriyama’s other family members?
He must save Kiriyama for these people around her, Taichi thought.
Receiving Kiriyama’s mother’s permission, they entered Kiriyama’s house. Pa.s.sing through the door and going to the second floor where Kiriyama’s room was situated, they found out that no one was at home, though Kiriyama’s mother didn’t seem to care.
Taichi heaved a sigh inside. He was eased by the fact that there weren’t other people in the house, since their job would then be easier.
Coming to the door, Taichi and Aoki looked at each other.
Although it was strange for Taichi to think like this himself, he thought that it was a brilliant scheme thought up by the two.
Aoki’s face was br.i.m.m.i.n.g with determination like those soldiers going to the battlefield. He nodded, and Taichi nodded in response.
Aoki knocked on the door.
“Who’s there?” Kiriyama’s little voice came through the door.
“It’s Taichi and I.”
“Come in.”
The same thing happened the second time they came in. Anyway, Kiriyama didn’t really mind letting them in.
This was the third time they went to Kiriyama’s room.[1]
The two of them looked around Kiriyama’s room they had gradually become familiar with.
The colors in the room were bright, having a lot of adorable stuff. Although the room had the taste of a girl, the air was sullen and dull.
Kiriyama looked worn out, as if a dream, vanis.h.i.+ng light.
They could look through her sports clothes that her skin was very wan, much like a patient. They couldn’t find the usual healthy and lively trace in her.
“It’s been ages since we’ve seen each other,” greeted Taichi.
“Yeah.”
Though she spoke so small a voice that couldn’t be heard without extra attention, she still, at the least, replied to Tachi.
“Yui. Come outside. Come to school. It’s alright.” said Aoki, throwing this line firstly.
They didn’t observe what would happen.
They didn’t do any small actions.
They weren’t so witty.
“What? Why are you coming to say this again? I’ve repeated myself a good few times. I don’t know when I would fight others. There’s no way I’ll go out. Although I think what Inaba said was right, I just couldn’t...” murmured Kiriyama with a painful and sorrow face.
“Be that as it may, you can’t just lock yourself in your house. You can’t stay like this forever,” said Taichi.
“But...but...”
Kiriyama only lowered her head and kept on saying ‘but’ so many times she had lost count.
Everything was same as before.
Now was the time for the change—to turn over the tables.
Taichi backed off a large step to let Aoki take care of it. He looked at them from a side. He wasn’t the protagonist today but an audience to aid them.
It wouldn’t mean anything if it wasn’t Aoki who said this.
“You’re too mindful of these things. It would be fine if it’s Yui. It won’t result in those things. Even if it will, we will still make it through!” said Aoki flatly with strong determination.
Taichi’s support without words seemed to have reached them and lifted Aoki’s determination.
“S-Stop joking around. Even when I want to stand strong, I’m still hopeless when my desires are unleashed. You understand this too, don’t you?”
“No. This isn’t it. No matter how strong our desires are, no matter what happens, no matter what it will result in, if only we can really restrain ourselves from not doing so with our whole determination and strength, we won’t really do it!”
Aoki not only used words but also his face and his whole body to convey it to Kiriyama.
“Won’t the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires suppress those thoughts? Whenever it occurs, the thought of suppressing it would be futile. Isn’t this what we are facing?”
“It is, but it’s actually not!”
“Eh?”
Kiriyama frowned, her head tilted in doubt.
“It’s fine because it isn’t!” repeated Aoki.
“What?”
Kiriyama frowned harder.
Rats. It looked like Kiriyama couldn’t get a single idea of what Aoki meant.
Or should Taichi say Aoki said it with too much force that made his efforts a bit useless. Was this all right? Should Taichi interrupt? It felt especially nervous to be the audience.
“If I can really prove it’s fine, that we can suppress things we don’t want to do, then you will go outside, go to school, and come to the clubroom, okay?”
“Wu...eh...If I can suppress it too...then...”
Then before Kiriyama could finish...
“Okay. Let’s make this a deal! I’m going to do it!”
Aoki grinned, showing his white teeth, saying, “I’m not boasting, but I really like you, Yui! I really like, extremely like, super like!”
At this moment, Aoki’s coolness had reached a surprising stage.
Probably this confession was too sudden, Kiriyama didn’t blush but just listened to him carefully.
“Also, I’m not boasting, but I’m a bit lecherous. No. To be honest, I’m really lecherous. You can count me as being quite lecherous or even extremely lecherous!”
Aoki had blown his image away in an instant.
Though this was for the plan, he looked cool if it didn"t include this last line...
“So, under this situation of my desires being unleashed—to be frank—it’s no surprise I will push you, Yui, down whenever the time!”
Aoki said the worst line with an ultimate smile.
Kiriyama, blanked originally, now gradually becoming blushed.
“W-What are you saying! You’re the worst!”
As she screamed, she threw the pillow at her side at Aoki, hitting Aoki’s stomach directly.
This was what he deserved.
“N-No. Yui. I haven’t finished yet. There’s still more to this!”
Aoki stopped for a while, and then he stood upright anew.
“Eh. Let me think...right! It’s no surprise I will push you down whenever the time, but I will use my strong will—my ironclad determination that will never do those things—to win my desires!”
This was a declaration that was only valuable under this situation.
“When I win those desires and succeeded in not pus.h.i.+ng you down, then it’ll prove that even when we have desires, we could transcend it with the strong will of not doing it!”
It was a line that was meaningful only because Aoki said it.
“A-Are you an idiot? I don’t know what you mean. No, probably I can...”
“Am I right? So, Yui, let’s go spend the night in a hotel! If I don’t you push you over in the hotel, then you have to trust what I’m saying is true!”
This plan was certainly surprising. Taichi could only be calm because he was only the audience.
For a strange reason, everyone was so embarra.s.sed his or her faces was burning.
“Don’t count me in! Why do I have to go to those places and risk the chance of being pushed down like an idiot!”
Perhaps she was agitated, her voice amplified gradually.
“I don’t want this. I won’t do it! Why are you so sure it wouldn’t happen even when your desires could be unleashed?”
Aoki only bluntly answered to the infuriated Kiriyama, “This is because I don’t want you to get hurt no matter what! This is because I truly like you!”
Kiriyama stopped moving.
Her face was stiff, and her face became plain.
“I have confidence that my desire of not hurting you is definitely stronger!”
As a result, one would only act for oneself—the person who acknowledged this still proposed that he would prioritize others’ feelings before himself and that he could do this—not because of his vigor but what he came down to after logical deduction.
He couldn’t say this if he didn’t reckon the feelings of others in his own heart.
How many people in the world took their words as far as this?
Although affected by the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires, Taichi still hit Nagase. He didn’t feel good about this, though he hadn’t the right to speak the same thing like Aoki.
He hoped he could say those words confidently one day.
“Furthermore, although this wouldn’t happen, if I really lost to the unleas.h.i.+ng of desires, you won’t get pushed down because at the instant I tried to push you down, it’s when you’ll punch me all over!”
“T-This is even more unwanted. I don’t wa