Little Wolf

"Dismissed?" I growled. "Why? Because of this wolf thing?"

~ ~ ~

I was close to being wolf. I focused on the claw tips digging into the palm of my hand. It was more than a glare I was sending Grandfather"s way. There was a sudden fury lit inside me. How could the council dismiss anything I had to say about the wolf?

Grandfather stared staunchly, unflinchingly, back at me. He waited for me to leave. I didn"t move.

"There is a young girl I have called sister..."

"You call all of the children little brother or sister," someone said derisively. "This is ridiculous and a waste of our time."

Grandfather"s hand came up and silence fell. I looked among the council members. Only Grandfather, Auntie, and three others looked back sternly at me, truly looking at me. They were united in their desire for me to be silent and leave. The others... my brow furrowed.

"The other members don"t know, do they?" I asked as I met the eyes of those who knew. I could tell those who knew what I was by the looks on their faces, as well as the confusion on the faces of those who were clueless about it.

"We will speak later, Little Wolf, " my grandfather reiterated.

I shook my head at Grandfather"s obstinance.

"There are things you need to know."

"There is nothing of such urgency it needs to be spoken of now. We can speak later," Grandfather replied, narrowing his eyes. He was not accustomed to me defying him.

"Accepting the girl officially as an honorary tribal member is something only the council can approve of," I replied, trying to keep myself sounding reasonable and calm.

"The council will discuss it later," Grandfather said, raising his formal pipe in another attempt to end the discussion.

"You need to know what has happened. The wolf..."

"Enough!"

"It"s important, Grandfather."

"It"s a family matter, Little Wolf, not a matter for the council."

"You always told me it was a council matter. Why don"t they know? I can do what Dad did if you want. I..."

"No Little Wolf. You will leave now."

"If I cannot be who I am before the council... All my life I thought they all knew." My look at my grandfather held all of my confusion. He looked blandly back at me.

"The full council has not discussed the matter since your father first stood before us asking for your mother"s hand in marriage. Council members have changed since then."

I stood there, trying to wrap my head around what I was hearing.

"Then perhaps it is time for the council to..."

"I will not say it again Little Wolf. You will leave now. We will speak later." Grandfather"s voice held a hint of anger this time. It could not compare with my own.

"I"m preparing to ask someone to marry me. I thought I"d make the council aware of it."

Grandfather said nothing. Our gazes were locked in a contest of wills. No one in the room was willing to speak up, believing that it was indeed a family matter.

Auntie sighed. "You should reconsider, Little Wolf." Auntie"s eyes held compa.s.sion as she spoke. "Speak to your father about the difficulties his condition caused for your mother. Having children is not a wise choice for you. The lack of children is something you should consider carefully before asking anyone to join with you in matrimony. Perhaps I should have broached this subject with you earlier, but your mother was going to. We all know how you and your father have been grieving over her loss. It is a private matter. We can discuss it later."

It was bulls.h.i.t.

Mom had often talked to me about the girl I would eventually bring home. She had helped me come up with a plan to ease someone into accepting what I was. She had antic.i.p.ated grandchildren. We had laughed together about the pups I would someday have. Dad had even commented he hoped that someday they chewed up my shoes! Mom had laughed herself silly! I had never considered not having children.

"There are others."

Aunties eyes went wide as her body went still. She had been in middle of gesturing toward the door. Now her hand fell back to her side.

"There is a pack among my southern brothers," I went on. "One of them has a son. There is a businessman with a daughter. The arctic pack just had twins. There are others. I met them. Spirit Wolf..."

"YOU WILL BE SILENT!"

You could have heard a pin drop in the shocked silence after Grandfather"s bellow.

He didn"t want anyone to know about me! How was I supposed to live like that, hiding from my own people? I thought they all knew about me! To learn otherwise was a shock I struggled to process.

"Why didn"t you just send my mother away?" I finally asked him. I understood the look that crossed his face. "You"re ashamed of me. Or maybe just embarra.s.sed. You don"t even want to share a peace pipe with me in front of others! What place is there for me here if I cannot be accepted by my own people, my own family? What place will there be for the children I do plan on having? Would you have my future children deny who and what they are? Is that what you want me to do?"

My look toward Grandfather this time held my pain. All my life my tribe has been home. "Be silent, Little Wolf. Do not let anyone see what you are."  These were the rules I had lived by. I saw them now for the cage that they were. My tribe, my FAMILY, wanted me to lock away the wolf within me, to act as if it didn"t exist.

They wanted the lineage of the wolf within me to die with me.

I felt so stupid. I had gotten mad at how Sheep"s pack had confined people. I had never seen my own chains.

Home is where you lay your head, Dad had said. It was wolf thinking. For me, home had always been synonymous with my tribe. I had always known that Dad never felt completely accepted here. Now I understood exactly why. He had no true home. I was his home, his pack. It used to be mom, him, and I. Dad could have spurned the tribe. Instead he did so much for the them. They could have accepted him, even for mom"s sake. Others have had their spouses accepted by the tribe.

"I have no place here if the family I will eventually have will have no place here," I practically whispered.

"Of course you have a place here", Grandfather finally said. "Your mother..."

I cut him off this time. "My mother"s blood within me runs true. I will always feel as if the tribe is my home, even though you reject me."

"No one is rejecting you Little Wolf," Grandfather said in exasperation.

"My father"s blood is no less true within me."

The silence drew out again. Grandfather started to say something but didn"t.

"You reject that half of me," I accused him. "You do not understand what I have become, the wolf that is within me. You couldn"t even accept Dad into the tribe as an honorary member, not even for mom"s sake. Do you hate what he is that much? What I am?"

There was only a long, drawn-out silence. The other council members were looking uncomfortable with our family issues being aired in front of them, even if they didn"t know exactly what we were talking about. My eyes didn"t leave Grandfather"s.

"Do you know what those others call us?" I asked. "It"s embarra.s.sing really. Royal, because I was born with the wolf within me. n.o.ble, because of the true wolf bloodline within me. Did you know that about Dad? About me? You want me to be silent. So be it, " I stated emphatically. "But I cannot deny the connection I have with the others who are out there, a connection made possible through Spirit Wolf. That part is your blood within me Grandfather. I will not deny that connection with others who are like me, not even for you. You can"t deny that you reject that half of me. Father isn"t one with the tribe. He accepted you. You could have accepted him. You chose not to."

I paused, giving Grandfather a chance to refute me, to say something to make this better. He stayed silent.

"The girl I spoke of is dying of cancer," I informed them, getting to one of the reasons I came in the first place. "She is my true sister. My bond with her is real. I formally request the council to bestow the position of honorary tribal member to her. Whether the council does or doesn"t will not affect my special connection with her."

I took a moment to make eye contact with the individual members of the council, ignoring my grandfather for a moment. Most of them seemed to be taking my request seriously enough, with only a few looking annoyed. I took a breath, maintaining my exterior calm.

"I will soon be engaged," I continued. "I do not ask the council"s permission. The woman I have come to love will know all of what I am before I accept her answer. Again, the council has no say in my decision. And as for my pack... it is Spirit Wolf"s pack, but on this side of the River of Life, I am it"s Alpha, it"s leader. I thought you all should know that soon the wolf will dance."

There were murmurs among the council members at that, for the wolf dance was a war dance among my mother"s people. I held up my hand for silence.

"It has nothing to do with the tribe, but everything to do with Spirit Wolf"s pack. I had thought to keep the tribe informed of what has been happening, but since you desire my silence, I will not speak of it. I have said what I came to say. I will not ever waste the council"s time again."

I gave a slight bow toward the council in general, still ignoring my grandfather. It was bad enough feeling like I had just lost both my tribe and my family. There was pain at the realization I never had them. My connection with them was through my mother, and she was gone. What I had gotten from the council members that knew about me was the desire for what I was to die. They might as well have just stabbed my heart.

On top of my pain there was anger. I had never been so angry. It wasn"t wolf fury, it was human rage. I wanted to storm out. I wanted to run, tearing up the ground with my claws to release my anger. Instead I moved with steady solid strides, full of dignity.

I could hear my old refrain in me. Be a man.

I held my head high all the way home.