Living to Suffer

NSFW

XIV

The sun was high overhead by the time Ch’in Chingawoke, and the man had long left his side leaving behind only cold bedding.

He sleptuntil midday but still felt sore all over because of the wild night. Ch’inChing shook his head and chuckled before leaving his bed. After dressing andwashing, he was about to open the windows to get some fresh air when he found aslip of paper weighed down on the desk.

Will come find you for New Year’s if not busy in thesect.

Nogreeting. No closing. His message was like his person, meticulous in contentand strong and keen in shape.

As heclutched the slip, it occurred to him that it was the first time the man hadarranged the next rendezvous with him. Again he shook his head and chuckled. Hecrumpled it up to throw it away, but in the end he went to the secretcompartment on the bed, took out the book full of his childhood daydreams andtucked the slip in.

“Iwonder why ‘love’ and ‘l.u.s.t’ are always paired in people’s minds.” Ch’in Chingreturned to the window and pushed it open, dispersing the traces of love andl.u.s.t that remained. “l.u.s.t doesn’t necessarily occur with love.”

In about another fortnight came New Year’s Eve. Ch’inChing waited from sunrise till sunset but received no visitors even after theHour of the Dog had pa.s.sed. Thus, he a.s.sumed that the man was busy and wouldnot come that day. He donned a thicker coat before locking the gates andheading to the gambling house in the nearby town to spend another New Year’s Evealone.

While Ch’inChing’s shifu was certainly thedisciple of a fabled recluse, he chose to hide himself in plain sight. He heldthe position of Grand Diviner in the imperial court, a true creature of theState. Currently the State was weak and lacked men of talent. The less able theSon of Heaven was, the more he believed in the auguries. Hence, Ch’in Ching’s shifu not only had to read the skies andconsult the almanac, he was also responsible for the oracle bone divinationsand all other ceremonies. Given the time of year, the man was not at liberty tovisit his pupil.

Everyyear Ch’in Ching spent the holidays by himself, but the mountains proved toolacking in liveliness, so he would sit and indulge his bad habits at thebetting table. He felt fortunate that such a place as this, open every day ofthe year, existed. It was loud and energetic, and he even found it convivial towelcome the New Year with a bunch of strangers who enjoyed gambling as much ashe did.

“And where do you think you’re going, Ch’in-taifu?”

Ch’inChing had locked the gates and just slipped out of the valley when he heardsomeone questioning from behind. After a momentary pause, he turned around witha grin. “Timing really is everything. You would’ve missed me if you had comeany later.”

“Ithought I told you to wait for me.” Shen Liangsheng began walking towards him.His expression appeared normal, but his tone contained a hint of discontent.

“But Idid,” Ch’in Ching hurriedly appealed as he saw the man approaching. “And youdidn’t come.” Then, he added in a softer tone after a pause, “You must know,Shen-hufa, that waiting is the worstfeeling. Your stomach just hangs in the air fluttering.” He reached out for theman’s hand and sighed. “In the end you become frightened of waiting, and youjust give up.”

“…”Shen Liangsheng gripped the doctor’s hand in return and answered, after a longsilence, “Then I won’t make you wait again.”

The wild wintery wind whistled through the mountains,and the two men standing hand in hand in the gloaming truly seemed to share a delicatebond of mutual reliance.

Unfortunately,Shen Liangsheng did not know at all what Ch’in Ching knew too well, that thedoctor would have to wait next time,that he was destined to wait for this man since the day he was born.

That hewould have to wait for him to escort him to his death.

“Shen Liangsheng, come to town with me.” After sometime, it was Ch’in Ching who first retracted his hand and started walking. “Idon’t have anything prepared at my place. If there’s a restaurant still open intown, we can eat a year-end supper there.”

“Youshould eat regularly, as you’ve been losing weight.” Without warning, ShenLiangsheng drew the man into his arms and flitted down the mountain. “Youshouldn’t have to be told that. And you call yourself a doctor.”

“But Iwas waiting for you.” Ch’in Ching joked on tirelessly, leaning on the tallerman’s chest, “I had the rice washed and was waiting for the hufa to start working in the kitchen makingme congee again to warm my heart.

“Do notbe cheeky.” Without slowing down, Shen Liangsheng pulled the man closer intohis embrace blocking the chilly air.

After arriving in town, they could not find anyrestaurants still open. Ch’in Ching then thought of the noodle stand in frontof the gambling house that was open year-round, so he led Shen Liangsheng toit. When he saw the gambling house, however, his dice hand began to itch, andhe inveigled good-naturedly, “Well, seeing as I’m not hungry, would you care toaccompany me for a few rounds?”

ShenLiangsheng shot him a glance from the corner of his eye but did in fact enterthe facility with him. He stood by the table watching Ch’in Ching playing sic bo with a horde of gamblers.

Anyonewho lingered at the gambling house on New Year’s Eve was bound to be an addictwho wasn’t willing to part with the die even for a family reunion. Withbloodshot eyes, they howled and screamed at the twists and turns of every roll.

Now,Ch’in Ching may have been an addict too, but he at least wore the mask of ascholar. Standing in the crowd, he appeared rather calm and self-a.s.sured,although his hand belied his demeanour, as he lost more rounds than he won.Nevertheless, he did not seem down-hearted.

“You willlose for sure if you bet ‘Small.’ ”

As heheard the whisper, he turned and saw Shen Liangsheng just behind him. He repliedquietly, “You can tell from the sound?”

“Whatdo you think?”

Chuckling,Ch’in Ching remarked silently – of coursesomeone with your neikung can hear it – but he said aloud, “The fun is inthe suspense. What’s the point in knowing?”

Insteadof answering, Shen Liangsheng took the doctor’s hand and moved his bet to ‘Big.’The dealer uncovered the lid, and the sum of the dots was ‘Big,’ exactly as thehufa antic.i.p.ated. Ch’in Chinggathered his silver winnings but then left the table. He smiled while shakinghis head. “It’s my money. Why do you care if I win or lose?”

“Youyourself belong to me. Why be quarrelsome about money?”

Ch’inChing shot a look of surprise in his direction. This man was so uncharacteristicallywordy today that the sun must have risen from the west.

“Come on. Since you won money for me, I’ll treat youto noodles.” Deciding that the conversation was not going to go anywhere, Ch’inChing tugged at the taller man’s sleeve and headed out of the building first.When they both sat down at the stand, he continued the chitchat. “Come to thinkof it, I eat here every New Year’s Eve. The owner is an old widower, no wife orchildren, so he runs this shop even during the holidays to earn a few morecoins.”

ShenLiangsheng nodded and said no more. When the noodles were served, the two meneach picked a pair of bamboo chopsticks and shared what could be considered aholiday supper.

Theshop was set up in front of the gambling house and made good use of thelocation. Especially at this time, the patrons were all gamblers who could notstand their growling stomachs and came out for some quick chow before diving nose-firstback into the games. Every one of them practically inhaled their food beforerushing back. Amongst the diners, only Ch’in Ching and Shen Liangsheng felt no senseof urgency, sitting quietly in a corner across from one another eating theirnoodles.

Underthe hazy lantern light, the people around them came and went, but that hadnothing to do with them. Even the brightly lit, clamorous gambling house seemedto drift further away, leaving only the two of them and two bowls of noodles inthe protective bubble of their small, tranquil cosmos. Hovering above thisworld of mortality, they meandered skyward along with the steam from the stove,higher and higher, farther and farther.

As ifthey could even reach the stars and the end of the world.

But in the end, it was just a bowl of noodles. Chewinghis food carefully, Ch’in Ching finished and paid the bill. He voiced his wishto take a stroll to help digestion, so the pair left the noodle shop. Walkingin silence, they turned into a narrow street to take the short route to thetown entrance.

Residenceslined either side of the alley, their doors and windows tightly shut, concealingwhat must have been scenes of families in happy reunion. Faint sounds of joy andlaughter could even be heard from inside the walls.

Ch’inChing recalled the times when his shifuhad spent the holidays with him prior to joining the imperial court. At thetime the doctor was still that young boy who could not face death withacceptance. He would argue futilely, while forcing down dumplings which hedespised, “You say the demonic sect is savage but mostly kill people of the chianghu. So if the commoner is safe,why must my measly life be sacrificed?”

Heremembered his shifu explaining tohim, as he halved the dumplings so they would cool, “How could the Son of Heavenignore the loss of order in the chianghuas the demonic sect ama.s.sed power against the court? Now that the maternal branchesare eyeing the throne, I fear that the moment the country falls into civil war,the frontiers will fall into warfare as well. Then it wouldn’t be disaster justfor the chianghu. The commoners wouldbe devastated, too.” At the end of his discourse, he would remind the boy,“Have a few more.”

Laterhis shifu entered the court andbecame a piece in the game, and he never had the chance to eat New Year’s Evedumplings again.

Ch’in Ching’s steps slowed as he reminisced. Withoutrushing the man, Shen Liangsheng strolled along with him. Midway down themile-long alley, doors on either side suddenly swung open – it was time tolight firecrackers and welcome the New Year.

Somekids were brave enough to hold a stick of incense and light the explosiveswhile the adults held them up, and then they leapt away giggling when the snapand crackle began, hands clapped over their ears. Ch’in Ching stopped to watch,and a warm emotion blossomed in his heart, a certain peaceful joy.

ShenLiangsheng halted beside the doctor and quietly observed him. Spotting thesmile about his lips, the hufa experienceda fleeting moment of unusual tranquility. So calm was he that he seemed to havegone back to the time when they first met. He had opened his eyes and seenanother man, another pair of eyes looking earnestly back at him. “The rain willstop soon,” he had said. “Staying alive is better,” he had said. “I will saveyou,” he had said. “What say you?”

As the firecrackers went off, Ch’in Ching watched themerry and harmonious scene with a smile while Shen Liangsheng gazed at himthinking back to the doctor’s teasing replies as he treated his wounds. A lightsmile rarer than shooting stars appeared about the hufa’s lips, but unfortunately it disappeared in the next moment.If Ch’in Ching knew what he had missed, he surely would have cried with distressand regret.

I will let you save me if that is what you wish to do.

ShenLiangsheng mused in silence before the fleeting smile vanished.

My devotion, body and soul in return for saving mylife – that is not necessarily an unfair trade-off.

After the firecrackers died down, the crowd of familiesgradually dissipated, leaving the two outsiders with nothing else to do but tokeep advancing.

Theyambled to the end of the narrow alley. Stars lit up the cloudless, winter skyabove, and beneath their feet was a red carpet of firecracker flakes.

Insilence, they arrived at the mouth of the street. Shen Liangsheng stopped andasked out of nowhere, “Does anything come to mind, Ch’in-taifu, after walking over a path of crimson firecrackers?”

Naturally,Ch’in Ching comprehended the implied meaning since he had a naughty mind tobegin with, and he replied without skipping a beat, “Now that the firecrackers havebeen set off and we have walked across the nuptial carpet,what do you think should come next?”

“Anauspicious day, a pleasant evening – should I say Happy New Year or…” ShenLiangsheng wrapped his arms around the man and leapt into the air. As he flittedhigh above the world, he looked down at Ch’in Ching. “Should I say HappyHoneymoon?”

The answer was likely the latter: Shen Liangsheng madehis way nimbly through the formations of the valley and vaulted right over thewalls into the yard. The moment Ch’in Ching felt the ground beneath his feet,he was thrust up against the door, and the hufawas on him, exploring every nook and cranny of his mouth with his tongue. Ch’inChing’s scalp tingled from the deep, pa.s.sionate kiss. Their tongues wereentangled like two copulating serpents that could not bear to part even ahair’s breadth.

“Shen…hm…Listen…” Ch’in Ching managed to get his words out after giving a strong push.“It’s freezing out here. We should at least head inside, no?”

Afterhis final syllable, he felt himself leave the ground once more, but this timeShen Liangsheng was holding him by the b.u.t.t. Face to face, they stared intoeach other’s eyes as he walked towards the building.

Ch’inChing was not much shorter than the other man, so he had to wrap his armsaround his neck and his legs around his waist in order to maintain balance. Ofcourse, he did not let the man off without some teasing remarks. “How indecent!How improper!”

“Ch’in-taifu, did you really think you weredecent or proper?”

“Fine,so I’m not, but you should at least try to resist my bad influence.”

Meanwhile they were entering the room. Shen Liangshengheaded straight for the bed and set Ch’in Ching down. The two men stood face toface but did not resume their kiss. Their words seemed to have been depletedduring their short trip, and all that was left was a silent stare.

After amoment, Shen Liangsheng led Ch’in Ching’s hand to his belt before sliding hisown hand up to the doctor’s neck and carefully untying the knot b.u.t.tons on hiscollar. The fervent urgency earlier in the yard had vanished. Slowly anddelicately, they undressed each other, and when their eyes accidentally met,they would look down again and continue with the handiwork.

Such a chastescene truly befit a newlywed couple who walked through all the traditionalobservances – the exchange of patzu,dowry and gifts, the reverence to heaven and earth and to the elders, thematrimonial wine – to finally come to this step: taking off their partner’sgarments in the quiet darkness to consummate a hundred years’ worth ofhappiness.

Once both had been laid bare, Shen Liangsheng tookCh’in Ching into his embrace, and they fell onto the bed. They were both erectand ready, but neither rushed to the main course. Pinning the doctor down, ShenLiangsheng went to work untying the ribbon in his hair with one hand while slidingout the pin securing his own headdress with the other. The ornament tumbledaway, and his dark, luscious hair cascaded down to the man’s cheeks and slippedlower to join the flow of the man’s hair.

Therethey lay together in quietude for some time before Shen Liangsheng finallydipped down and planted a kiss between Ch’in Ching’s eyes. From there he kissedhis way downward to capture his lips in a tender restraint. He sucked on themdelicately as he gently ground against the man.

Ch’inChing blindly pulled loose the bed clothes and covered both of them, and underthe sheets their naked bodies rubbed against each other with a taboo, secretpleasure.

It was Ch’in Ching who lost his patience first after along, teasing entrée. He reached down between them and manoeuvred their membersto the same spot so that the shafts and the sacs would grind against together withso much as a lift of his hips. The head of his length felt so unbearably tinglythat more and more lewd juices oozed out from the slit, to the point that asmall pool gathered on his abdomen.

ShenLiangsheng released his lips and whispered in his ear, “You’re so wet.”

Ch’inChing whispered back, “Then how about you suck it a little?” Then he addedafter a pause, “Turn around, and I’ll do you, too.”

Shen Liangsheng then shifted his orientation so hislegs were next to the doctor’s head. He took the man’s manhood deeply into hismouth as the man did the same to him. The loud, sloppy noises were especiallydistinct in the night.

Ch’inChing was not as good at endurance as the hufabut did not want to always shoot first, so after a pot of tea’s time he stoppedand said to the man, “That’s enough.”

Thistime Shen Liangsheng truly listened to every one of the doctor’s commands andlet his member slide out of his mouth. He trailed his tongue down between thecheeks and began toying with the opening, reaching in deeply to nudge theslippery walls and nibble on the tender skin around the entrance. Having thatspot played with by the hufa, Ch’inChing felt a sense of shame that he did not want to admit but also a burningpleasure inside him even greater than that which he received from the f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o.

Eventually, Shen Liangsheng returned to their previousface-to-face position, and Ch’in Ching initiated the kiss this time. While theykissed, he felt his legs being gently pushed apart and a finger sliding in andout of him.

“Doesit hurt?”

Naturallyit did not hurt since his entrance was wet and the man had inserted only onedigit. Hearing the concern in his voice, Ch’in Ching replied honestly and thenimmediately realized the tease, that the man was speaking to him as to a brideon her wedding night. The doctor’s cheeks flushed red, but before he could forma retort, he let out a low yelp from the sharp pain shooting up from his rear.

Theopening was wet, but it had not been properly relaxed. Shen Liangsheng plungedhimself totally into Ch’in Ching, and although the scorching, rock-hard shaftdid not tear the entrance, the doctor was left hissing and gasping in pain. Hesincerely wanted to know why he was suffering this injustice when he hadn’teven provoked the man this time.

“Justhang in there. It’ll stop hurting soon.” Shen Liangsheng’s utterance was asgentle as his thrusts were violent. This was exactly the tone that Ch’in Ching foundirresistible, and all he could do was to admit that the colder and more lovelessa person appeared, the more potent their rare expressions of affection.

After quietly bearing with the pain for some time, itindeed ebbed slightly. It was as though his opening had recognized the intruderat long last and was willingly enveloping it despite the dull discomfort,recalling the blissful pleasure that would soon follow. Thus, it clungdesperately to the length, afraid that it would leave.

ShenLiangsheng felt the tight ca.n.a.l squeezing around him, the tender flesh gentlypulsating and ma.s.saging his head. A gush of heat rushed straight to his groinand urged his hips to rock more quickly. Wet slushy sounds soon emerged fromthe penetration, but it was because Ch’in Ching had begun excreting lewd juicesfrom within, and he was actively pushing his hips up to meet the hufa’s thrusts.

ShenLiangsheng began pinching his nipples while playing with the man’s ear, suckingthe lobe and wetting the ca.n.a.l before thrusting his tongue in and out in asuggestive manner.

With multiple sensitive spots being tended to, Ch’inChing was floating giddily on cloud nine. His member was angrily flushed anderect even though its desperate needs were being neglected. It stuck outagainst Shen Liangsheng’s lowered torso, and the head sc.r.a.ped across the tightknots of muscles on his abdomen with every thrust of the hufa’s hips. The stimulation was beyond words, and climax could notcome soon enough.

Mindclouded, Ch’in Ching reached down to relieve himself, but a soft utterance shookhim from his daze and made him forget about his ignored needs. If it wasn’t forthe lips flush against his ear where the whispers originated, Ch’in Ching wouldhave a.s.sumed he had hallucinated.

“Be obedient,Su-er,” the man said, “and call me husband.”

“What…” Despite knowing those words were trulyuttered, Ch’in Ching could only pretend he was dreaming, but then he couldn’tjust pa.s.s it off as a dream. His face was practically burning now, butthankfully it was dark. He murmured between tight lips, “You can’t just use thecourtesy name like that…”

ButShen Liangsheng just did what he had done once before: he stroked Ch’in Ching’smanhood but kept a finger pressed tightly on the slit.

Ch’inChing had learned from the previous time the frustration of a denied o.r.g.a.s.m, sowhen the pain and pleasure began to build on top of each other, he willinglyjoined in this romantic wedding night skit in exchange for release and utteredthe magic word.

Thenext moment, the pressure on his member was lifted, and c.u.m gushed out insplurges. Overwhelmed by euphoria, his eyes lost their focus, and his chestrose and fell wildly in an effort to cope.

Shen Liangsheng paused his thrusting as the violento.r.g.a.s.m ran through the ca.n.a.l and simply stayed fully hilted enjoying theecstatic stimulation. He felt as though he had taken a short trip to heavenwith Ch’in Ching even though he himself had not reached release.

When Ch’inChing’s mind returned, he held onto the man’s back and rolled over with him, switchingtheir position, and lying on top of him in order to catch his breath.

ShenLiangsheng let him and leisurely patted his back for him.

“Do you also have a nickname, Shen Liangsheng?”

Hesimply wouldn’t be his shifu’s starpupil if he didn’t strike back after being dealt such a humiliating blow. Heteased the hufa while lying on him likedead weight. “Sheng-er? Or perhaps Ah-Liang? I think Ah-Liang sounds nice.”

“…”

“Ah-Liang. Ah-Liang… It sure sounds like a girl’s name.”

“…”

“I loveyou, Ah-Liang. Give me your hand inmarriage.”

“…”

“Marryme, and you will be the only one for me this lifetime. We’ll find a quiet placeand settle down, keep a few chickens and ducks, have a son and a daughter, andlive until one hundred. How does that sound?”

“…”

After awhile, Shen Liangsheng took Ch’in Ching’s hand and interlocked their tenfingers. Then he let go and led it down to where they were still connected. “Ifyou really want kids, I can ask Miao-t’angchuif she knows of anything.”

“No,thank you. I’m fine, thank you very much. I was merely jesting. Please do nottake it seriously, Shen-hufa!” Themoment he heard that woman’s name, he thought of the balm, and at the thoughtof the balm he recalled that feeling of being caught between life and death. Hewas afraid the Hsing Sect mightactually know of some heretical method to impregnate a man, so he quickly tookback his words and shut his lips before they caused more havoc.

“Well,don’t we look lively?” Shen Liangsheng glanced at him before flipping themover, pinning the man down again. “Let’s continue, shall we?”

Thus, the l.u.s.t and pa.s.sion returned and did not ebbtill the sun rose.

Ch’inChing wanted nothing more than to hit the sack, but the now soft intruder wasstill inside him keeping what must have been a pool of thick c.u.m clogged up.

“Couldyou pull out first?”

Henegotiated good-heartedly, but the man circled his arms around him and forcedhim to abandon his request with a curt reply.

“Sleepwith it.”

Oh goodness gracious. Ch’inChing sighed, annoyed, but the exhaustion hit him, and he really fell asleeplike that.

Rightbefore he slipped into his dreams, he heard the man speak. “I have matters todeal with for the next two months, so I likely won’t have time to come. Youshouldn’t wait.”

“Mhm.” Ch’inChing managed in acknowledgment. Then it faintly occurred to him.

Oh, there’s only two months left.

Then hefell into slumber.