Living to Suffer

NSFW

XVII

By the time Shen Liangsheng got back to his post, theyhad also just received news from the sect, only two words: return immediately.

When theyreturned after travelling day and night, Miao Jan greeted them with a beamingexpression. “We found it. It’s undergoing inspection in the Karyā chamber. Ithink this is it.” The entire entourage listened to her while heading to thechamber.

The Hsing Sect had ransacked the chianghu for these pages, but outside the chianghu things were rather calm. Although the foreign tribes wereeyeing the empire hungrily, the thousand-year solidarity of the Central Plainswas enough to stave off any actual inroads. The frontiers were peaceful, andthe court appeared harmonious, and there had been no noteworthy event asidefrom someone filing a pet.i.tion against the Grand Diviner a few months ago onthe charge of “forming factions for personal gain.”

The Sonof Heaven had complete faith in the Taoist arts of fengshui and fortune telling and placed a great deal of trust inthis Diviner. He turned a blind eye to the petty political infighting and sentinvestigators after the party under suspicion, but when nothing came back, helet the matter slide.

Then,three months later, another secret pet.i.tion was filed, this time providingample evidence supporting its accusations that the Grand Diviner concealed atreasure map of the previous dynasty and harboured ill intent against the court.

Theemperor was most afraid of his spot on the throne being threatened, and whatwith the pathetic national reserve, a treasure map was as good as a free lunchfalling from the sky. His interest was immediately piqued. Although the accuseddenied all allegations, a secret tunnel and room were found in his officialresidence.

Remindedof the possible “ill intent,” the Son of Heaven was moved to fury. He decidedhe would rather risk killing the innocent than letting the guilty go, and thusthe Diviner’s head tumbled to the ground. Because he had no family, there wereno nine branches to extinguish. The only anomaly was that the items confiscatedfrom the secret room vanished into thin air before even reaching the palace –an occurrence so baffling that G.o.ds or demons must have been responsible. TheSon of Heaven dared not delve more deeply, only opting to calm his nerves byhiring a Taoist priest to perform an appropriate ritual.

The boundaries between court and chianghu were clear cut. The political battles were not supposed toinvolve the Hsing Sect in any way, but after hearing the official had lost hishead because of a treasure map, they, too, decided they would rather “kill theinnocent than let the guilty go” and sent mento intercept and to retrieve the entire contents of the confiscation.

“I knew those bald mules were up to no good. They didn’thave it, but the best they could manage was to set up a ruse to stall us.” After telling the whole story, Miao Jan turned to jest, “To think we’d evensearched through the palace treasury twice. If only we’d thought of searchingthrough the officials’ residences too, that would have saved us all thistrouble.”

Elder Fang and Elder Wu returned a few pleasantriessmilingly, and although Shen Liangsheng remained stony, that was his default,so the elders were not surprised. Only Miao Jan took a quick look at the hufa and studied his expression. Herspeech flowed naturally, but her stomach knotted up.

Although theEmptiness of the Five Skandhas did not originate from Buddhism, it was writtenin Sanskrit. The physical pages were even more remarkable– blades could not easily damage them, nor could they be disfigured by water orfire.

The moment the train entered the chamber, they weremet with the adjutant who reported, “Tests of their material have affirmedtheir ident.i.ty. The content still remains for the hufa to decipher.”

Shen Liangsheng took the pages and, after reading themfrom start to finish, spared one nod and one utterance, “I implore yourpatience while I retrieve the full ma.n.u.script,” before leaving. Miao Janfaltered, felt an urge to follow him, but in the end did not move.

Shen Liangsheng had been responsible for thema.n.u.script since the deputy leader had gone into isolation. Once he retrievedit and fitted the missing pages, it became clear it was a perfect match.

Since theitem itself was likely real, the next step would be to find the blood trigger.Shen Liangsheng translated word for word the details regarding the vessel, histone steady and expression calm. Listening on the side, Mian Jan also remainedcomposed.

“The worldis a big place; it is a difficult task to find the vessel with nothing but the patzu,” Elder Fang remarked with afrown. “As for the huai-meng ts’ao,we can only wait for the prey to stumble in on its own. I fear it is too lateeven if we release the information now.”

While ShenLiangsheng had hardly been covert about bringing Ch’in Ching to Mount Fut’u, thepurpose of the trip was known only to the deputy leader, who was in isolation,and Miao Jan. Elder Fang and Elder Wu for their part had no idea such a personhad ever set foot in their sect.

But even when Elder Fang finished his thoughts, MiaoJan still wore the same expression as though she knew nothing and only lookedat Shen Liangsheng like the others.

“’Tis not an issue. I already know theapproximate location of this person. It would not do to trouble the two elderswho are still tending to their wounds to make the trek once more, but theurgency of this matter begs my immediate departure.” Shen Liangsheng spokefirst to the two elders, purposely avoiding Miao Jan’s eyes, before turning toher. “Miao-t’angchu, I ask that youwrite the other three t’angchu andrequest their a.s.sistance along my path. This matter allows for no errors.”

She noddedand replied, “Rest a.s.sured, Shen-hufa.”Then she stood as if rooted to the spot, watching him zip out of the building.Her thoughts didn’t come back to her until his silhouette disappeared at theend of the corridor. He didn’t even fight. He didn’t even flinch. He was soresolute that she couldn’t help but admire him.

Shen Liangshenghad never asked Ch’in Ching for the name of his master, not because he had anysort of trust in the doctor but because he had investigated long ago. Theresult showed that his master had only been a minor character in the chianghu who was adept in the Taoistarts. This person later entered the court as an official, Grand Diviner, and couldseldom leave the palace. Thus he had little contact with people of the chianghu.

Only when Miao Jan revealed the story of page’s reacquisitiondid it fully hit the hufa that he hadfallen into a trap that the man had laid for him.

The encounter, the rescue, the herb collection, thegood-natured displays, all must have been executed with ulterior motives. Evensome of the man’s words in retrospect sounded a lot like tests to probe thewaters.

Only when Shen Liangsheng realized all this, he feltas calm as ever.

It was man’s instinct to seek life and avoid death.The man was only trying to find a path to life for himself and so became nodifferent from the others who pleaded for life beneath his sword – he was notspecial.

If he had to describe his feelings, he would say hedistinctly felt his heartbeat. Badoom badoom– its regular pace would continue as it had every day in the past and as it wouldevery day for the foreseeable future.

Chingche had pa.s.sed, and spring was in its early stages. Ch’inChing had the doors and windows open while he read, the warm breeze gentlyshuffling the pages. He felt a bit sleepy after bathing in sunshine for a while.

“It really is true what they say, ‘sleepy in springand languid in fall’…” Ch’in Ching was yawning with his head propped on an armwhen a hand slid out from behind and held down the fluttering page.

Ch’in Chingstared at the hand instead of turning around.

Slender and strong, white as a lily. Even though anuncountable number of lives had been slain through its agency, under the earlyspring sun as it lightly touched the paper its grace was equal to that ofBuddha’s teachings.

Shen Liangsheng stood behind him, silent for an entirepot of tea’s time before he spoke softly, “Ch’in Ching, if only you had stayedat Shaolin, you would have had a chance at living.”

“If I had stayed, I’m afraid I would have been drivento my death first by the morals and rules being chanted in loops – like ‘Tosave all beings from h.e.l.l, it is I who must suffer there,’ or‘Benevolence is achieved only through abandoning your own person.’ ” Ch’inChing shook his head and brushed the hufa’shand away closing the book. Only then did he look around. “Your so-calledchance at living… Do you still remember what I had said long ago? What I desire you will not, or cannot, give me.”

“…”

“Shen-hufa,was I wrong then?”

“…”

“Shen Liangsheng, am I wrong now?”

“Then I’ll takethat as a no.” Ch’in Ching rose and took a few steps back. “To be honest, I’mafraid of death, and I’m afraid of pain. Yet, even though I knew I would sufferless if I took my own life, I just wanted to see you one last time, and so I placedone last bet.”

“…”

“But only when I see you now do I realize the hardestthings to let go in this world are infatuation and wild dreams.”

“…”

“I know you’re not mute. You’ve got a sharp tongue,you do.” Ch’in Ching smiled. Recovering his usual, reckless expression, he cooedwarmly, “Don’t be like this, Ah-Liang.”

“…”

“I willingly exchanged one heart for another…” He tooka step forward, gaze locked on the man’s, and finished, “and I willingly admitdefeat.”

Shen Liangshengheld his gaze for a short while but for the first time diverted it before thedoctor did. He turned to motion towards the door. “After you.”

Without delay, Ch’in Ching stepped towards the door.Falling half a step behind him, Shen Liangsheng stopped when the doctor pausedat the door.

“Shen Liangsheng, it is true I’ve lied about manythings to you, but within those lies there must exist some truths.”

The hufa distinctlyfelt his heartbeat.

“Besides, at this point there is nothing more I canrepay you with, as I’ve already paid with my life.”

Badoom badoom – its pace steady and regular.

“I pray you will not hate me when you think of me inthe future.”

As it had been every day in the past.

“If you do think of me, that is.”

And as it would every day in the foreseeable future

“Once we pa.s.s this door, you and I will owe each othernothing and have no more to do with each other.”

As soon as hefinished, he stepped over the doorsill. Shen Liangsheng followed and stood besidehim watching him slowly draw the two sides together.

No sooner had the two panels come to a close than theyflew apart. Before he realized it, Ch’in Ching was dragged back into the hutand the doors slammed shut, locking away their own private world for the lasttime.

One man kissed the other and began wrestling with histongue, greedily absorbing the warmth from the other. They took turns pushingeach other against the door, securing this boundary between life and death.

It should have been the meeting between hatred andresentment, but now it turned into a parting between lovers… Ch’in Ching wasable to muse quietly amidst the chaos that lying brings the most satisfactiononly when done to the extreme.

“ShenLiangsheng,” Ch’in Ching breathed as he tidied the man’s loose strands afterthey broken apart. “Let me say it one last time.”

“…”

“Not to plea for life but simply because I want to doso.”

“…”

“I love you.”

The doors parted once more. The spring sun waspleasant.

Ch’in Ching took the first step out the door and intoblinding sunlight.

This was a tripof vital importance, and he had to prepare for wave after wave of attacks.Bringing someone along with ch’ingkungwas not the best option, which is why Shen Liangsheng had come alone onhorseback. The extra weight of one man did not at all affect the speed of thereturn trip.

The various sects of the chianghu already had their eyes on the Hsing Sect’s movements, andnow their calculations all pointed to the possibility that the vessel had beendiscovered. If they allowed it to return to the Hsing Sect, it would only spelldisaster for the entire chianghu.

It occurred toCh’in Ching that this was the first time that he had witnessed Shen Liangshengtaking lives.

But then again, the opposition that they encounteredmostly aimed their weapons at Ch’in Ching – their goal would be accomplished aslong as the blood trigger died; wounding the hufa of the Hsing Sect was another story.

The moment he witnessed it with his own eyes, Ch’inChing found that he was scared. This man, who in the beginning allowed him tobe cheeky and clingy and who later joined him in naked joy and pleasure, was inreality a weapon of destruction.

An invisible blast of ch’i would unfurl from within him like a tsunami, not sending itsopponents flying but simply disintegrating them. Then amidst the snow of fleshand rain of blood, his sword danced like lightning and thunder, and those whosurvived the first tidal wave would fall victim to this deadly storm beforeeven a shriek of desperation could be vocalized. In Ch’in Ching’s eyes, heavenand earth turned crimson, and the air seemed to be charged with the souls andghouls of the murdered and their deafening screams. In reality, however, it wasonly the wind.

The moment he realized his fear of the man, hequestioned himself coldly:

And who did you think he was, Ch’inChing?

“Fear not,” ShenLiangsheng rea.s.sured in a gentle voice when he noticed the man in his arms wastrembling. “I’m here. You will not be troubled.”

But those words only made the circ.u.mstances feel moreabsurd to Ch’in Ching.

Shen-hufa, did youlose your brain after killing all those people? Aren’t you ensuring my safetynow only so you can take me to my death?

But the more absurd it felt, the more affectionate hehad to be with his words.

“Shen Liangsheng, as you can see, there are more thanenough people who want me dead in this world. But I can only think about my shifu, and you.”

“…”

“My shifu couldnot protect me, but he was the only one in this world who truly did not want meto die.”

“…”

“As for you, you are the only one of all those whowant me dead who said he would care for me.”

Have you recalled it? The words I prayed you would notforget.

Ch’in Ching felt the embrace around him loosen andthen the next moment snap tightly again. He reflected on feeling overjoyed andknew indeed that joy would soon be painfully over.

The horse never once slowed as it cast storm after stormbehind it

And Shen Liangsheng never spoke again, only held himtightly.

Such a position made it seem as though the man wastaking him, not to the end of his life.

But to the ends of the earth.