Living to Suffer

NSFW

XVI

To be frank, this time Shen Liangsheng did not put hisentire a.r.s.enal to work in the battle between Buddha and Mara. It was notbecause his mind was lingering on his romantic whims but because the monk had openlyannounced Shaolin’s possession of the pages – this was instead more suspicious.

After a moment of contemplation, he decided against waging full-out war,and the three retreated with no casualty. Afterwards, Shen Liangsheng firstwrote to the three travelling t’angchuasking them to be even more alert for any information in the chianghu, and then he wrote to Miao Jan,retelling what had happened and requesting any available information.

The messenger falcon came and went. Miao Jan seemed certain that it was atrap and wrote, “Those bald mules probably just want to stall us for the nexttwo fortnights, and as long as the celestial date pa.s.ses, it means victory forthem. Should worse come to worst, we can gather the sect and mow down thatcrummy shrine.”

Tucking Miao Jan’s letter away, Shen Liangsheng opened another secretmessage and frowned upon reading its contents. He ordered the two elders tokeep a tight watch on this place before heading off to K’aifeng himself.

Although Ch’in Ching had left Shaolin, he never wentfar. He buried himself in the largest gambling house in K’aifeng, losing andwinning, winning and losing. When he grew tired, he went back to the inn torest and dove right back into the gambling house when he awoke, completelylosing track of day and night.

“Letting go” was certainly weighty. Ch’in Ching saw the benevolence in thatabbot’s eyes but was secretly carrying on a conversation in hishead:

“You must know, Tashi, that shifu of mine actually doesn’t have muchgoing for him. His martial arts are perhaps a little better than mine, but hismedicine and formation are not. Yet he takes it upon himself to berate me. Idrink, and he’s there. I roll the dice, and he’s there. He wouldn’t even let mehave a dog when I was a kid. It doesn’t get any worse than him.

“But that old geezer is about to die.

“I can’t let go, nor do I want to.

“This disciple was never destined to comprehend the benevolence of Buddhain this lifetime.”

Ever since he received the final letter from his shifu, Ch’in Ching was unable to sitpa.s.sively by.

He was impelled to do something, anything, no matter how rash, in order toaffirm life.

He went to Shaolin and placed a death trap. The hatred within lessened alittle, but the anxiety did not abate at all. So he turned to the dice andmaintained a decent level of alcohol in his blood stream at all times, planningto spend the rest of his days in this careless way.

One night, Ch’in Ching finally teetered back to theinn at the Hour of the Rat. He fell asleep the moment he fell into the bed butwas woken up in the wee hours by his bladder. He opened his eyes only to see awhite figure standing by his bed. Horrified, he thought he was really visitedby a ghost.

“Oh… it’s just you, Shen-hufa,”he remarked flatly. “I thought you had no time for me.” He eventually recognizedthe visitor after gathering his composure. He frowned due to the hangover headache,but surprisingly he felt no grudge or sorrow, no hatred or fury. He even hadthe leisure to muse, Well, well, thistime the white wuch’ang has reallycome for me.

Shen Liangsheng did not react verbally or facially but was quite surprised.Had the man actually forgotten what he had done not so long ago? Moreover, thisstandoffish att.i.tude was rather rare for him, too.

In reality, Ch’in Ching thought the Hsing Sect hadalready gotten a hold of the pages for which his shifu had paid with his life. However, Shen Liangsheng had comelooking for him the moment he read the message from spies reporting that Ch’inChing was “still in K’aifeng Inn” and had received no news from the sect.

Shen Liangsheng didn’t speak, and Ch’in Ching remained quiet. After aperiod of dead silence, Ch’in Ching finally came around and tried to recoverfrom his slightly distant tone earlier. He sat down at the round table in theroom and began rubbing his forehead while testing the waters. “You must excusemy bed temper…”

“I’m afraid if I were to excuse you, it wouldn’t be about this issue,” ShenLiangsheng remarked flatly. “I will give you one chance to explain yourself,Ch’in-taifu.”

Ch’in Ching’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. He had planned for areunion where the truth, that he was the vessel, had been uncovered rendering hislife more than precious. In that case, the man would have not been able to makehim pay for the formation at Shaolin. However, he had never considered what todo in a situation like this.

The man did not know yet, and he himself could notreveal it. Indeed, he had to die sooner or later, but he could not for the loveof all things die now. This man, the veritable reincarnation of Mara, waslikely still angry about all this, so he had to figure out how he was supposedto resolve that anger and not get a sword through the heart.

“My shifu ranges far and wide,and someone asked for a favour. He was too busy to do it himself, so he put myname forth for a formation. What could I do…” Ch’in Ching squeezed an excuseout. “Every time my heartache came, I’d be practically half dead. My shifu was afraid that I would die, so hetook me to Shaolin and even made a realized monk take me as a layman disciple.So I had to return this favour…” By the end of it, even Ch’in Ching felt thestrength of his words depleting, so he abandoned that tactic and instead roseand clung to Shen Liangsheng by the waist, crooning against his chest, “Shen-hufa, Shen-hufa, I know I was wrong. Don’t be upset at me, all right?”

Shen Liangsheng still had not spoken, but seeing thatthe man did not push him away, Ch’in Ching continued his shameless embrace.

It was a familiar one. He could feel through the man’s clothes a temperaturethat faintly caressed him. An aroma of incense hovered in the air about hisnostrils, one that he had smelled many times before.

As he continued to hug him, Ch’in Ching found the anxiety that had loomedover him all these days ebbing, replaced by an indescribable longing mixed withan even more inexplicable sense of absurdity.

He was supposed to hate, and once he had done just that. But his hatred forthe Hsing Sect would slide away furtively whenever it came to Shen Liangsheng.In the end, it was this man who made him feel warm in his embrace, likesleeping soundly beside a furnace in the dead of winter when plums blossom.

“So, Shen Liangsheng, this is how it feels to holdyou.”

“…”

“It’s been so long. I’d almost forgotten.”

“It’s only been a month or so.”

Shen Liangsheng finally spoke, and naturally it was inthat cool tone of his. His hands, however, crept around Ch’in Ching’s waist andeased the man a little closer to him. His words were of no importance, and itno longer sounded as if he had come to demand a confession but rather like hehad come to catch up and share words of comfort and longing,

“Could I hold you for a bit longer?” Ch’in Ching breathed, his nosenuzzling the man’s chin. “Only like this do I really feel how much I’ve missedyou.”

“I also feel how much you’ve missed me after reading the intentions to trapand kill in that formation.”

“I didn’t know it would be you.” Although Shen Liangsheng returned to thetopic, Ch’in Ching was unafraid now that he was sure that the man would donothing to him. “Besides, I know very well your capabilities. Even if it couldtrap a G.o.d, it couldn’t trap you.”

“What capabilities?” Shen Liangsheng dipped down and planted a kiss on hisnose. “What do you know other than my capabilities in bed?”

“Those are the only ones I care about.” There was one thing Ch’in Chingcould always do, and that was beat the other person in vulgarity. After thejoke, he added, “But I really do miss you.”

“I thought you could only feel it while hugging me?”

“No, I do all the time,” Ch’in Ching continued his jest. “Especially whenI…”

“Especially when you what?”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know.”

“Why would I know?”

“Especially when I lie in bed at night…” he whispered in the man’s ear.“The front…and the back, both miss you like crazy.”

After getting tangled in verbal sparring with thedoctor, Shen Liangsheng had to admit he had no way to deal with this slippery littlefish that just would not stay on the chopping board.

“Ch’in Ching, I’ll let this one slide, but if you ever…”

“I promise it will never happen again.” Ch’in Ching quickly took theopportunity handed to him and put on a solemn expression.

Shen Liangsheng glanced at him and said, “Well, aren’t you something?”

“Huh?” Ch’in Ching was lost.

“I haven’t done anything yet.” Shen Liangsheng let go of his waist andpatted him on the face with one hand and slid down to his groin with the other.“So what’s this here?”

Having awakened in the middle of the night, Ch’inChing was wearing only his underclothes, and his slightly hard member hadnowhere to hide. It wasn’t because looking at Shen Liangsheng’s face turned himon but because he had been holding it in for quite some time now.

He had been focused on calming the man’s wrath, and now that the wrath wasgone, his biological urge was back. He brushed away the man’s hands and p.r.o.nounced rashly, “I do want to do it, but please excuse me while I visitthe toilet.”

“You can go after.” Shen Liangsheng went straight for his underpants andpushed them down to the knees. While stroking the man, he moistened his otherfingers in the pot of cold tea and inserted them into Ch’in Ching. After aquick spread, he took out his own rock-hard erection and slowly guided it in.

The truth behind that one time he forced his way inwas that he had also forced his own erection by directing his ch’i to his manhood, all because of somediscontent. This time, however, his member had swelled up rapidly as he jerkedthe man off and poked his fingers in a little, so rapidly that Shen Liangshengcould not help but ridicule himself in silence. Well, aren’t you also something?

And it wasn’t directed only at this affair. It was more at that time in theformation. A bystander would have seen zero hesitation as the blade shatteredthe mirage, but Shen Liangsheng himself knew very well that even though it wasa false image, his strike had faltered, if just for a fraction of a moment.

It turned out he had already fallen in this deeply.

“Uhn…” Ch’in Ching grunted at the dull pain frombehind but even more at the discomfort in his groin. He was truly in need of atoilet but also in need of release. This was a feeling he could not begin todescribe.

It was the first time they had done it standing upright. Ch’in Ching’s legswere not spread very widely, and Shen Liangsheng could derive some pleasure inthis position simply from being held so tightly by the ca.n.a.l.

After giving the doctor some time to acclimate, Shen Liangsheng began with aslow pace that was not too forceful. Ch’in Ching could still stand on his feet,but his erection was suffering more and more.

The hufa’s left hand had never letgo of his pained member, and he treated it unlike ever before, kneading andpulling rather roughly. Ch’in Ching was torn between pain and pleasure, and hesomehow came to recognize the unspeakable bliss of holding it in even thoughthe discomfort was strong. His member seemed overly eager to release itselfbecause of the impending gush of urine, and the tiny slit was bombarded withthe feeling he would usually get right before an o.r.g.a.s.m – itchy and hot. Moansescaped his mouth before he realized their location and forced them down.

The lodging was only an average inn. The room was notvery large, and the walls were flimsy, too. At this peaceful hour, any moreloud sounds would likely raise the neighbours’ awareness, dissuading Ch’inChing from anything indecent.

And Shen Liangsheng knew his concerns. He suddenly changed his thrusting,only inserting a good half of his manhood so that the head struck right againstthat sensitive nub, gently rubbing, kneading and poking. Ch’in Ching went weakand would have collapsed had it not been for the hufa’s right arm around his waist. He didn’t want to make anynoises, so he bit down on his lip, trapping the cries and transforming theminto m.u.f.fled, pitiful moans.

“Hearing you like this really makes me want to hurt you,” Shen Liangsheng leisurely remarked before resuming his full thrust. He didn’t let that nubgo unscathed and made sure to sc.r.a.pe against it every time he entered. His handsped up as well, and after a few dozen strokes, he felt the man shudder, andtwo white globs visibly shot out far into the dark room. The member did notfall limp, however, and more thick c.u.m gushed out from the small slit anddribbled down the length, wetting Shen Liangsheng’s hand.

“Look atall this. You mustn’t be satisfied with one climax.” Indeed, the hufa was not going to let him off thehook easily. Without giving the man time to rest, he began stroking theerection at full speed again while his hips rocked even more intensely,knocking Ch’in Ching off balance. The doctor fell forward and had to catchhimself on the table. His m.u.f.fled sobs heightened, sounding even more enticingthan un.o.bstructed cries.

A hundred or so thrusts later,Shen Liangsheng noticed his arms propped on the table and so let go of hiswaist. His left hand remained on his manhood, stroking, while his right slid tohis abdomen where he found a slight b.u.mp where it should have been flat, due toa full bladder. He pressed on it lightly.

“No…” Ch’in Ching felt a pang,but his member felt a hint of pleasure. It jerked a few times, evidentlyreaching release.

Shen Liangsheng c.o.c.ked a brow and asked in his ear, “So soon?” But his handcontinued to stroke the member with the sticky fluid, scratching the slit fromtime to time and preventing it from becoming soft even though it had alreadycome twice. It could only stay standing, trembling, and allow the hufa do as he pleased.

Ch’in Ching really thought he was dying. Pleasurenever stopped welling up from the two spots below, and what was more, the man’shand never left his abdomen. It gently caressed at times and pressed downharshly at others. Warning signals shot up to his brain along with streams ofecstasy, and he felt the back of his head throbbing with the need to climax andto relieve his bladder at the same time. In the end, he lost all recognitionand comprehension as he came again and again. Traces of blood seeped from hisbottom lip, but he didn’t feel anything.

Then after another stick of incense’s time, Shen Liangsheng decided thedoctor had reached his limits, since the member would not get hard no matterhow he played with it, a soft lump lying pitifully in his hand. The man’s legswere a white, sticky mess.

“I…I really can’t…no more… Just hurry up, please I’mbegging…” Ch’in Ching took advantage of the slight pause to squeeze out hisplea, but no sooner had he finished than the thrust resumed. The hand on histummy worked more roughly than before, too. He no longer had it in him to careabout the neighbours, and he pleaded in a husky, cracked voice.

“No…don’t…begging you…

“I can’t…really can’t hold it…I’m begging you, stop…

“Shen…I’m begging you…don’t press…”

In the end, Ch’in Ching came to understand that ShenLiangsheng was not going to let him off this time. The man would not be restinguntil he had stomped on every last shred of  his dignity. So all he could do was to turn hishead around and make his final plea. “I…I can’t hold it anymore…Please, get thechamber pot underneath the bed…”

Hearing this, however, Shen Liangsheng pulled him up from the table by hishair and sitting down on a chair, sat the doctor on his lap without breakingtheir connection throughout. This series of movements sent a great deal ofpleasure to the head of his member, and he felt his own o.r.g.a.s.m approaching.

“Just do it like this.” Shen Liangsheng began thrusting as he spread theman’s legs apart. Holding his limp member in hand, he whispered in his ear,“Let me watch you.”

Moonlight shone in through theintricate wooden window frame onto the ground beside the table. Ch’in Ching’s legsdangled in the light, and he could see everything that was happening to him. Hecouldn’t imagine the shame of peeing right in front of the man, but the urgewas coming at him like crashing waves and his abdomen felt stretched to itslimit. Still, the man’s hand kept rubbing and pressing, so his eyes grew redand sobs broke free. “I really can’t hold it in… Can you just not look…”

But Shen Liangsheng paid no heed. It wasn’t the first time this man hadcried in bed, so he only reminded as he rocked against him harshly, “You don’thave to hold it in.”

“Mmnn…mmn…” The stimulation inside him was somind-blowing that he moaned through his sobs even though he definitely couldnot come again. A few drops of something hot leaked out of his slit, butbecause he absolutely refused to lose control of his own bladder before thisman, he stopped the rest from escaping. Unfortunately, his member was still inthe hufa’s hand which gave a few goodtugs, destroying his previous efforts. Screaming, Ch’in Ching was unable toresist and at last lost total control. A hot stream sprang forth and tinkledonto the floor, an o.r.g.a.s.m just as much as a loss of a bodily function. Hisopening shuddered and jerked, and along with the crude scene that ShenLiangsheng somehow found sensual, the hufareached his climax while buried deeply in the man.

“Still crying?”

Seeing that the man was still trembling though without sound, ShenLiangsheng realized the crying had not ceased and slid out from the man’s body.He then turned him around to hold him in his arms and planted soft kisses onhis eyes. “Don’t cry now.”

“All right.” Ch’in Ching nodded, but the tears just kept trickling out bythemselves. There was no more sobbing, only an endless flow that simplycontinued in silence.

“It’s not a big deal or anything,” Shen Liangsheng said light-heartedly andapologetically, thinking that he must have bullied him a little too much thistime. “I won’t do this again, all right? If you keep crying, I will think Ireally married a girl.”

“All right.” Ch’in Ching nodded once again, but the tears still did notstop. He seemed to have been taken aback by his own action. His empty gazeskipped over Shen Liangsheng’s shoulders, and his body was stiff like a claystatue.

“…” Shen Liangsheng stayed quiet for a while and then pulled him up to hischest and brushed his hair. “All right, what’s the problem here?”

“…I don’t know.”

Leaning against the man’s chest, Ch’in Ching questionedhimself. He didn’t know what was going on, either.

It was as though the unshed tears of the night in which he had sat insilence until dawn finally came tumbling out and would not be tamed.

But why was it that he could only cry while in this man’s embrace?

He really didn’t know

“Ch’in Ching…” Eventually, when Shen Liangsheng felthis entire shoulder wet with the doctor’s tears, he pushed the man awayslightly and gazed into his eyes. “You crying like this, is it because youthink…”

“Huh?” Man wasn’t completely made of water, so gradually thewaterworks ebbed on its own. Hearing the hufa’svoice trail off in silence, Ch’in Ching composed himself in antic.i.p.ation.

“Is it because you think I…”

“You what?” It was the first time that Ch’in Ching had ever seen this man be so irresolute. His curiosity was piqued when one sentence seemed to take theman hours to formulate.

“Do you still remember what you asked me that time?” Shen Liangshenginstead changed the focus and asked a question.

“Which time?”

“When we talked about Broken Zither Hills.”

“Uh-huh…” Ch’in Ching replied aloud while guessing the implications, but hewas not certain what the man would actually say.

“From now on, be obedient, and don’t cause any trouble.”

“All right,” he agreed half-heartedly while inwardly musing on the factthat Shen-hufa was wasting his timewarning a man who had no “from now on” to speak of.

“I…” Shen Liangsheng faltered, unable to get “I love you” out of that mouthof his, but he knew he had to say somethingseeing how upset the doctor was. In the end, he took his hand and interlockedtheir digits and twisted his words around. “If you’ll do that, then I will carefor you from now on.”

The utterance made Ch’in Ching freeze. This was tooabsurd.

“Shen Liangsheng…”

And perhaps a bit dismal, as well.

“I love you, Shen Liangsheng.”

He felt no grat.i.tude of revenge but nevertheless earnestly locked eyes withthe man and enunciated each syllable.

“So forget not your words today.”

After the night is over, when the waterlowers and the rocks appear, I pray that you will recall your every word today.

And I pray you will remember forever what you feel in that moment.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

ayszhang: Uh-oh o.o the end is nigh...

(//___)

Seventeen

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