Living to Suffer

IX

Perhaps because of the wound and blood loss, Ch’inChing’s heart began aching two days before litung,so he had no other choice but to stay in the pool. It was seven days later whenhe emerged, a size thinner than before. As he caught a glimpse in the mirror, hethought his cheekbones stood out even more than before. His eyes seemed moredeep-set, and unexpectedly it made him look a bit more handsome.

Themountains were silent in winter. After a few boring days of recuperation, Ch’inChing decided to leave and try his luck at the gambling house of a nearby town.Afterward, he visited a medicine shop with which he had had some business anddrank a little with the owner, catching up with affairs. By the time hereturned to his hut, half-drunk, the Hour of the Dogwas nearly over. He pushed open the gate to the yard to find candlelight comingfrom his room. The warm golden light seeped through the window paper softlywrapping his heart in a coc.o.o.n of heat.

Ch’in Ching thought it was his shifu on one of his seasonal visits and he would get scolded if hewalked in drunk now, so he stayed in the yard to clear his head. Unexpectedly,the door was pulled open, and the person standing in the light turned out to beShen Liangsheng.

“Whatare you doing here?” Ch’in Ching exclaimed wonderingly, doing little to hidethe surprise on his face. He had thought the next time he would see this manwould be after the dust had settled and this man came to bring him back to theHsing Sect for his execution. He could think of no other reason for the man tocome for him now.

“Merelypa.s.sing by.” Shen Liangsheng’s answer was mild, but Ch’in Ching froze – if hehad to say, he could think of areason. For instance, that Shen Liangsheng returned would not be shocking ifthe hufa had taken to heart theiraffairs that night.

However,that Shen-hufa would take him toheart sounded as absurd as a pig climbing a tree. Ch’in Ching blinked slowlyand said, “Oh.” Doubt still lingered in his mind, and he thought perhaps thealcohol was making him see things.

He kept staring, but sadly Shen Liangsheng did notjust vanish into thin air. The man was still standing in the same spot. He wasdressed entirely in black this time, but his face was still cold and full ofmalice – the white wuch’ang had merelybeen replaced by the black wuch’ang.

“Whatare you planning to do, dressed like that? Commit burglary?” If the man said hewas merely pa.s.sing by, then so be it. Ch’in Ching was open-minded and did notpursue it any further, only casually cracking a joke.

“No,I’m paying you a visit after theburglary.”

“Heh.”Ch’in Ching could not hold back a t.i.tter. He shook his head, blaming himselffor forgetting that the hufa was verywitty with his tongue, too. After laughing, he apologized in a polite tone,“Then I’m terribly sorry to have made you wait.”

While they talked, he entered the room and shut thedoor. Once he did, he smelled the rusty scent of blood and realized that ShenLiangsheng was not jesting. The hufareally had been engaged in “business.”

And the“business” of the Hsing Sect these days was nothing other than finding themissing pages. Ch’in Ching turned to study the man and did not find any signsof injury. So then it must have been…

In thecandlelit room, Shen Liangsheng acted not like the guest but rather the host,taking a cup half full of tea and leisurely sipping it. The blood was not veryvisible since the colour of his dress was black, but the scent only grewstronger by the second. Ch’in Ching’s gaze trailed down to the train of theman’s robe, and his eyes hardened.

…it musthave been a one-sided ma.s.sacre.

After finishing the tea, Shen Liangsheng noticed thedoctor’s gaze on himself and more importantly the disgust within it. Althoughthe man did well to conceal most of it by the time he looked up from the cup,he still caught it.

Shen-hufa followed the man’s gaze down to theedges of his clothes. The hem of his robe was aligned with the top of his bootsand was embroidered with patterns of clouds, but he had taken so many lives thatthe silver thread had been soaked by the pools of blood that leaked from the moundsof corpses. The crimson liquid later turned to a purplish maroon and made therobe appear to be solid black at the first glance.

“What are you thinking, Ch’in-taifu?” After the long silence, Shen Liangsheng moved towards Ch’inChing a step at a time. Although he had disarmed, his presence still gave theother man chills.

“Wonderinghow many you killed,” Ch’in Ching answered very frankly.

“I’mafraid more than you think.” Shen Liangsheng placed his palm on the doctor’sneck caressing the Adam’s apple with his fingertips. The position gave theimpression that they were whispering sweet nothings to each other, notdiscussing death and slaughter.

“Unfortunately,I am not in the mood today.” Ch’in Ching stepped back to evade his hand whilewearing a polite smile. “It’s too late for guests, Shen-hufa. This way please.”

“Oh?And why are you not in the mood?” Not fl.u.s.tered at all, Shen Liangsheng stoodbefore him with hands behind his back, eyes pointed slightly downward.

“BecauseI lost at the gambling house. Next time you should pick a day to come when I’vewon.” Keeping the same expression on his face, Ch’in Ching took another stepback, but the next thing he knew, the room was spinning around. He did not seeShen Liangsheng make any large movements, but he was crashing into the bed thenext moment. Although the bedding was soft, he still felt extremelydisoriented.

“Couldyou do me a favour, Shen­-hufa? Atleast take off those robes first.” Ch’in Ching must have been drunk, for if nothe would not have the guts to speak in such a manner with the man on top ofhim. “I don’t like the sight of them.”

“Youknew long ago who I was, Ch’in Ching.” Shen Liangsheng’s voice carried nodiscontent, but his actions said otherwise. Releasing a tiny blast of his ch’i, the six layers of winter attire onthe doctor’s body turned to tattered threads in an instant. “Don’t you thinkit’s a little too late for regret now?”

Ch’in Ching’s neikungwas as far below Shen Liangsheng’s as it could be, and his core ch’i had been weakened by the recent heartache.Therefore, he could not withstand even the tiny amount of energy that the hufa had unleashed. It felt as thoughhis brain blacked out for a moment but was shocked back to life by the pain inhis lower half. Shen Liangsheng had forced his way into him without anylubrication, tearing open his hole and leaving it bleeding. The red dropletstrickled down turning into a small blot on the sheets.

“Isn’tthis what you desire, Ch’in Ching?” Shen Liangsheng had not held back thistime, releasing his entire length from his pants. He drove his thick shaft deepinto the doctor and purposely left the swollen head at the opening even when hepulled outward. The b.l.o.o.d.y hole was torn and could not contract any longer.

Ch’inChing was in so much pain he could not catch any of the man’s words. Just as hewas about to faint from the trauma, the shooting pain would drag him back tofull consciousness again and again, subjecting him to an endless cycle oftorture.

“Oh,how could I have forgotten? This isn’t what you desire. What you desire isecstatic pleasure.” Shen Liangsheng’s actions were as relentless as his voice wasflat. “Then how about I grant you that.”

Whilelightheaded, Ch’in Ching somehow felt the pain cease and struggled to open hiseyes. He saw Shen Liangsheng leaving the bed and searching through the medicineshelf. The man picked out a few different containers and sniffed each onebefore walking back with a celadon bottle. It was none other than the topicalmedicine he used on the hufa somemonths ago.

Shen Liangsheng opened the bottle before lifting thedoctor’s hips with one hand and pouring out the entire container of creamymixture. After tossing the empty vessel aside, he spread the medicine, and alittle while later, it began taking effect and stopped the bleeding. He thenpulled his two legs up and apart before sinking himself in once again, thistime pacing himself so that he did not tear the wounds.

Ch’inChing gradually lost feeling in his behind until only a muted pain remained. Hecould only wryly applaud himself for the effectiveness of his personal healingmixture, only now it sounded rather ironic.

The pain had ebbed, and the hufa was moving at a slower rhythm, too. Ch’in Ching felt themanhood inside him carefully probing and grinding on his sensitive nub, and hecould not help his own member reacting, hardening under the man’s nearly physicalgaze.

Freeingone hand, Shen Liangsheng began stroking the growing erection with much care,and when it was fully erect, he pulled loose the ribbon in Ch’in Ching’s hair.While gently rocking his hips, he strung the long fabric below the attentive member,tightly around each t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e and then circled the other end around the base ofthe shaft several times before tying a dead knot.

Ch’inChing made to object and push the man, but he understood immediately that itwould be of no use. Therefore he made no attempt to struggle. He could onlysigh inwardly and dread the long night ahead of him.

“Does it feel good to get what you wished for,Ch’in Ching?”

ShenLiangsheng was bent on tormenting the doctor during this lovemaking session.His shaft was a dragon diving into the sea, turning and rolling without a care,stirring the water until the waves roared and the sand that had lain dormant onthe seafloor for a millennium began to dance restlessly and float along theundercurrents aimlessly.

On thefreezing winter night, Ch’in Ching felt as though he became that sea which wasoverflowing with turbid l.u.s.t. His left hand hung lazily off the edge of the bedwhile his right was splayed over his abdomen. Through his own flesh and skin hecould feel each and every thrust of the man threatening to burst out throughhis abdomen any moment.

Meanwhile,his own manhood was painfully hard, but the tight bonds around his s.c.r.o.t.u.m andbase made it impossible to grow bigger or obtain release. All the euphoric sensationshe received ama.s.sed in his abdomen, constantly fermenting and expanding, almostmaking him wish the man would actually pierce through his abdomen so that thepleasure could be set free.

“Shen-hufa…Isaid…you cannot give…what I truly desire…that proverb…was used falsely…”

Ch’inChing forced out these words with the last of his strength before sprawlinghelplessly on the bed, allowing Shen Liangsheng to continue his work. He didnot have even the strength to close his eyes. He stared at the roof of the bed,eyes blank without focus yet also filled to the brim with desire. It was asthough in his eyes, the entire world had become extinct yet also had become acarnal feast. Human and human, beast and beast, human and beast; all thatremained were naked bodies, breathless panting and dissolute fornication.

Initially,Ch’in Ching did not want to let his voice free, but now he could not make anysounds even had he so wished. His mouth hung open, and drool dribbled out onecorner of his lips until his throat, his collarbones were wet with saliva andgleaming sinfully under the flickering candlelight.

He did not know how long the torture lasted beforeShen Liangsheng finally ripped away the ribbon from the purplish erection. Thes.c.r.o.t.u.m contracted violently and the length jerked once, apparently on theverge of release.

In thenext moment, Shen Liangsheng pressed his thumb over the small hole on the head.He watched the man beneath him stiffen and let out a pathetic whimper as a tearglided down from his eye.

Ch’in Ching was not aware that he was crying. He didnot even know what the man had done. All he knew was the scorching sensation onhis groin when hot s.e.m.e.n gushed to the opening only to be blocked and deflectedonto the next wave of e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e. His member was about to explode from the pain.There was not a word in this world that could come close to describing howpainful it was.

Coldlylooking down at the crying man, Shen Liangsheng continued his thrusting withoutremoving his thumb and watched the man tremble involuntarily. His hair sprawledmessily over the bed, and the face in the centre of it was not flushed and pinkas someone indulging in l.u.s.t should be but instead a deathly, pale white.

ShenLiangsheng paused before finally freeing the man. Instantly, a few spurts ofthick c.u.m shot out onto the doctor himself.

Possiblydue to the prolonged erection, the member did not soften after the release andstood at the same height as before. Shen Liangsheng continued gyrating at amoderate pace and soon more saw milky c.u.m welling out from the hole, not likee.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n but more like the last drops of urine sporadically dripping clean.He then looked up at the man’s face and saw some life come back into him, butthe tears were still quietly trickling.

Shen Liangshengcuriously raised a brow, a rare sight for the hufa. He splayed his hand over the doctor’s chest and beganpinching a nipple with the man’s own s.e.m.e.n as lubricant. He bent down and askedin his ear.

“Whatare you thinking?”

“…”

“Do youfeel good?”

“…”

“Well,don’t cry if you do.”

“Huh?”Ch’in Ching blurted as though he had only now come back to himself. “I’mcrying?”

ShenLiangsheng only replied with placing his lips on his eyes, kissing away thetears, before sharing a shallow kiss with the man.

“…notvery salty.” Ch’in Ching burst out in laughter for some reason as he wrappedhis arms around Shen Liangsheng’s neck and breathed near his ear, “I haven’tcried in a really long time.”

Stillstaying silent, the hufa cupped thedoctor’s face in one hand while reaching between their bodies with the other.He held the man’s manhood and gently stroked it while resuming his steadythrusting. Occasionally he brushed the head with his fingers wiping away theleaking fluids until nothing more oozed out. He inquired with his lips on Ch’inChing’s ear, “Is that enough?”

Thedoctor gave a light nod and felt the man plunge deeply inside him beforeshooting his load, disregarding the stuff about preserving his yang essence for shuang-hsiu.

The candle on the table reached its end. The flameleapt high into the air before suddenly dying.

In thestill darkness, Ch’in Ching felt the weight lifted off from him. The thing thathad tortured him for such a long time pulled out and the man left as well. Onlythen did his body relax and his eyes close.

Hecould not be bothered about whether Shen Liangsheng was leaving or staying forthe night. His body felt as though it had been run over by a stampede of horses,and not a bone was left fully intact.

However,as exhausted as he was, he could not fall asleep. All that ran through his headwas the fact he had cried at one point. His lips split open in a dry, silentlaugh.

What was he thinking at the time? Ch’in Ching began toreflect and discovered it was nothing sad.

It wasnone other than l.u.s.t of the mortal world, but half of the pairs of bodiesfornicating before his eyes bore his face.

However,the other half were not Shen Liangsheng but rather people with no face, noident.i.ty.

Orperhaps they were not human, not beast, not living beings, nor things withshape and form – it was fornication with fate, copulation with death.

Shen-hufa, oh Shen-hufa, Ch’in Chingspoke in silence. Do you know that everytime I see you, it’s like seeing the end to my life, but I don’t want to let goexactly because of that.

Ah, the taste of making love with death and destiny…

Desire is illusion; if you cannot let it go, you mustsuffer.

How true.

But Shen Liangsheng, what do you think it is I trulydesire?