Living to Suffer

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Ch’in Ching fell into a deep slumber that night, butwhen he awoke the sun had not yet risen fully. The window paper was a dim grey.

Huggingthe quilt, he stared at it for a while before he noticed his clothes had beenchanged and he did not feel sticky or uncomfortable. He marvelled at the factthat the man had taken the time to provide aftercare this time.

He leftthe bed and took a few steps. The man probably applied a new coat of medicine,for his behind felt slightly moist and cool. Walking tugged at the wounds alittle, but it was nothing severe. He took out a lined cotton robe and put iton before washing his face and mouth at the bedside bowl.After the routine, he pushed open the door, and a gust of wet, winter windbelonging to the south country hit him. The horizon was slowly whitening, butin the near distance were thick, black clouds that might bring a cold showerlater.

Ch’inChing stared dumbly at the sky until the cold seeped into his robe and made himshiver. Only then did he remember to head to the kitchen to boil some hot waterto warm up. He turned to find smoke rising out of the kitchen chimney. Thethin, pale strand of smoke was like a lonesome ghost struggling in the greydawn light for a few yards before grudgingly dissipating.

“You’re still here?”

Ch’inChing ambled over and watched from outside the door as Shen Liangsheng madecongee. Only when his nose itched and he sneezed did he step over the doorsilland close the wooden doors behind him, shutting out some of the chilliness.

“Whatis the time?” Once the doors were shut, the kitchen became even darker. Ch’inChing gravitated towards the only light source, the radiance of the stove fire,and grabbed a stool to sit and warm his hands.

“Themiddle of the Hour of the Snake,”Shen Liangsheng answered coolly, revealing to the doctor that the sun had risenlong ago. It was only because the weather was bad and the skies were overcastthat the sun was still not visible at this hour.

“Wintersure came early this year.” After warming up by the stove, he started to feeldrowsy again and yawned. He found the stool to be extremely uncomfortable forhis bottom and his waist to be rather weak. He spotted Shen Liangsheng from thecorner of his eye, so he simply leaned against the man’s leg. After yawningagain, he let his eyelids droop, appearing sleep deprived.

ShenLiangsheng let him lean on his leg and did not reply to the small talk. After amoment, however, Ch’in Ching felt a hand on his head softly brushing his untiedhair.

“Youknow, you needn’t do this.” Ch’in Ching looked up at the man. “I’m not blamingyou for anything.”

Thestanding man tilted his head and looked down into the doctor’s eyes as ifwaiting for more.

“Shen-hufa, forget not.” Ch’in Ching lookedback smilingly, his eyes still earnest and warm in the crimson firelight. “Ilove you.”

“Ch’inChing.” Shen Liangsheng picked a different response for once. As he pushed theloose strands back behind his ears, he replied in a low voice, “Forget not yourown words.”

Afterlong, silent eye contact, it was the hufawho bent down and kissed the doctor on the lips. With his tongue, ShenLiangsheng nudged them open and captured the man’s tongue, but he did notadvance farther, only locking the tips of the tongues in a sensual game. In thequiet gloaming, the shallow kiss seemed to hold an intangible intimacy.

The abrupt cry ofa bird from the yard broke the tranquility. Immediately, Shen Liangsheng drewback and walked to the main hut, not returning for some time. Ch’in Chingguessed the man had sent out a smoke signal that summoned the Hsing Sect’smessenger bird, and when he returned to the main hut as well, it was as he hadpredicted. Shen Liangsheng was standing at the desk writing something with borrowedink and paper. On the edge of the desk perched a small falcon that twisted itshead to study Ch’in Ching with its apparently intelligent, black, beady eyeswhen he entered.

Given his discretion, Ch’in Ching did not peek andonly walked to the small room attached to the main room. He found a new set ofbedding to switch out the utter mess that was on the bed.

“It’sfine if you have matters to tend to,” Ch’in Ching said as he spread a new coverover the quilt. “Looks like it will rain soon. How about you take an umbrellawith you?”

“Noneed.” Shen Liangsheng replaced the brush and folded the rice paper smallbefore slipping it into the tube on the falcon’s leg. He walked to the yard to letthe bird go, and when he returned, he had with him a bowl of hot congee. He sawthe doctor had already undressed and gotten into bed, wrapping himself in thequilt and leaning against the headboard, so he commanded flatly, “Eat beforeyou sleep.”

“I’m notsleeping.” Ch’in Ching took the congee and spoke between bites. “It’s too coldoutside, so forgive me for not seeing you out. If you have time…” He looked upat Shen Liangsheng’s face, but as expected he could not discern anything. “Comeagain when you have time.”

“I’vesent a message.” The taller man also sat down on the bed and watched the doctoreat. “I shall leave in the evening.”

“But theroads are rough at night.”

“It won’tmatter once I become familiar with them.”

Ch’inChing only wanted to make small talk, but he noticed the implied meaning behindthe hufa’s words. He glanced upthinking it was too tricky to find a decent response, so in the end he stuckthe spoon near the man’s mouth. “Want some?”

Surprisingly,Shen Liangsheng opened his mouth and ate the spoonful. Ch’in Ching watched histhin lips open and close and could not help but lean in and steal a kiss. Aftertaking advantage of the hufa, heacted oblivious and innocent, his sly smile making him look like a player inscholars’ gown.

When the two men finished the congee together, onespoonful each at a time, Shen Liangsheng took the bowl and placed it on thetable. By the time he turned back around, Ch’in Ching had scooted back,clearing a s.p.a.ce for him, and was patting the bedding. There was a crookedsmile on his face, a prime example of a little man feeling grand. “Care to joinme?”

Ch’inChing’s bed was quite large, having a roof and a canopy, and there was morethan enough room for two men. At the head of the bed was a row of hiddendrawers that held some books for casual bedtime reading.

Ch’inChing pulled open a drawer and took out a few at random while Shen Liangshengremoved his boots and got into bed. The latter leaned back against theheadboard and pulled the doctor into his arms, man and quilt in one bundle. Thetwo each picked a book and began to read, the air about them calm and soothingfor once.

Beforelong, it began raining but not heavily. The sound of the drizzle was audibleonly because it was so quiet inside. A volcanic gla.s.s lamp stood on theheadboard. Ch’in Ching had especially requested it from his shifu so he could read at night. Thegla.s.s shade was ground very thinly and glowed with a light amber ombré. Severalcrab-apple flowers were carved at the bottom where the colour was the darkest,and in the candlelight they gave off a tinge of sensuality.

Thebitter wind and icy rain could not intrude into this s.p.a.ce. Snug and warm in athick quilt, Ch’in Ching had a beauty in his arms…no, was being held in abeauty’s arms, leisurely flipping through a book on some dynasty from centuriesago.

On theother hand, Shen Liangsheng had in his hand a book on circles and formations.It should not have been a casual read but for some reason had been placed inthe drawers by the doctor. After reading the first pages, it slowly dawned onthe hufa – Ch’in Ching likely hadread this frequently in his childhood, judging from the occasional lines ofhandwriting in the blank margins. They were not proper notes but rather straythoughts.

“Rainfor three days. When will the sun come out? Hsiao-Rongsaid she wanted to go lotus-watching. Afraid she will forget if this raincontinues any longer.”

“A’Maonext door gave birth to a litter of pups. Want to ask for one to raise. Shifu won’t let me. Stubborn oldgeezer.”

“Told Hsiao-Rong. She said she will take careof it if I ask for one, but her mom said no, too.”

“Knew Ishould not go out when the date is near, but could not help myself. Hsiao-Rong was beside me when the attackhappened. Scared the wits out of her. Told her this illness is like the blood thatgirls get. When it comes, it comes. When it’s gone, everything is fine. Endedup getting scolded by her, though. What did I ever do?”

“Shifu grounded me for two months becauseof what I did. O Buddha, please rescue me.”

“Sneakedout to find Hsiao-Rong but was caughtby Shifu before I made it out of thealley. Now it’s three months. s.h.i.t.”

“Ithink I might be in love with Hsiao-Rong.Curses. Now I’m really in s.h.i.t.”

Shen Liangsheng flipped through page by page. Afternearly the time of a burned incense stick, Ch’in Chingturned to talk and spotted the handwriting on the page. He paused as though hejust remembered the existence of this book in the drawer. He shook his headwhile chuckling quietly. “That’s from ten years ago. How embarra.s.sing for youto see.”

“Howold were you?” Gaze not leaving the book, Shen Liangsheng flipped over anotherpage and asked nonchalantly.

“Fourteen?Maybe fifteen.”

“Whathappened afterward?”

Thedoctor did not understand, so Shen Liangsheng pointed a finger at ‘Hsiao-Rong’ and glanced at him obliquely.

“Nothinghappened. Shifu and I moved away, and I never saw her again.”

“Do youfeel regret? She was your childhood sweetheart.”

“Hah,are you jealous, Shen-hufa?” Ch’inChing shot an amused look at the man. “There was a reason, of course. I won’tlive very long, so I shouldn’t waste a fair maiden’s time.”

Hearingthis, Shen Liangsheng put the book down to observe the doctor’s expression, buthe found no trace of sadness, as though he were not discussing his own death.

“Becauseof your illness?”

“Somethinglike that.”

“Nocure?”

“Therewasn’t one, but one might exist now.” Ch’in Ching also put down his book andsat up straighter in the man’s embrace. He said while looking at the man, “Iasked you for a stalk of huai-meng ts’aoto find one.”

“Mhm.”Shen Liangsheng’s expression was mild, more befitting the situation where thetopic of discussion was a complete stranger.

“Shen-hufa, your reaction truly breaks myheart.” Ch’in Ching leaned in, joking. “Or are you saying you wish my death couldcome early so that you can find a new husband sooner?”

“Ch’in-taifu.” The taller man pulled him backclose and slid his left hand underneath the quilt to tap the doctor’s b.u.t.tlightly. “‘Tis not wise to forget the pain after the wound heals.”

Ch’in Ching was reminded of his suffering the previousnight and his expression stiffened. Too afraid to be cheeky any longer, heflipped open the book and resumed reading.

He wasnow well-behaved, but Shen Liangsheng’s hand not so much. It remained under thesheets and began by caressing the doctor’s thigh over his pants before movingupwards to his abdomen, slowly ma.s.saging over the undershirt.

Atfirst, Ch’in Ching only felt the comfort of the ma.s.sage, so he relaxed and letthe man work until the man parted his shirt and touched his bare skin. Fingerssliding around his waist, the doctor realized the impending danger and put downhis book in a hurry. Holding the man’s hand down, he said with a frown, “Actually,Shen-hufa, my wound has not healedquite yet. It still hurts, you see.”

“Don’tmove.” Shen Liangsheng whispered in his ear. “I’m just going to touch. Nothingelse.”

“…”They had explored what was permitted and what was taboo to the point that Ch’inChing’s body held no more secrets, yet his cheeks still flushed at the relativelymild phrase. And soon, the peach red migrated all the way to his ears.

Perhaps since he had verbalized his intentions, ShenLiangsheng began to let his hand act freely. And since clothing was ahindrance, he opted to strip the doctor clean in the sheets, pulling out theshirt and pants and tossing them aside.

Ch’inChing’s only reaction to his undergarments slowly being dragged off and thrownout in an indescribably erotic manner was his cheeks turning a deeper shade ofred. He marvelled at how a seemingly proper, chaste man could be so…

So…whatexactly? But not even the smart, cheeky Ch’in-taifu could find the right description now.

“Looks, average. The skin, however, exceptional.”

ShenLiangsheng’s hand wandered leisurely over the naked body – the nipples, thewaist, the cheeks, the thighs. Ch’in Ching could not see the man’s movementthrough the thick quilt, but he could feel very clearly where his hand wasgoing, the amount of pressure applied to each caress and the faint tingles. Themember that had been tormented the night before was gradually reacting to thestimulation, and his breathing hastened as well.

“Eventhis part is soft and silky, like that of a virgin.”

ShenLiangsheng had touched every piece of skin he could possibly touch and knewvery well that the doctor was aroused. His open palm slid down to his crotchand closed around the member. Shortly after some gentle strokes, it completelyhardened. Although it was not as thick or long as his own, it was nothing toignore. The straight length was delicate and silky to the touch like the skinof a baby, and the tiny hole on top was already a little damp.

“…nonsense.”

Ch’inChing was responding to “like that of a virgin,” but Shen Liangshengmisunderstood on purpose, breathing in his ear. “If you don’t believe me,Ch’in-taifu, see for yourself.”

Beforethe utterance came to an end, Ch’in Ching’s left hand that was outside thequilt was led back under the sheets by a hand of Shen Liangsheng and, partly byforce and partly by persuasion, began touching his own chest, repeatedlyrubbing over his nipples before sliding down together to hold the hard shaft.After stroking a while, the hufa’shand left to roam down to the sac and cup the two globes.

Aroused by the man and unable to stop himself now,Ch’in Ching continued his stroking while the man ma.s.saged his sac. Explodingwith pleasure, he reached release in less a pot of tea’s time, dirtying thebrand new sheets.

WhileCh’in Ching was flushed red and panting, Shen Liangsheng appeared undisturbed.The latter began fondling instead the doctor’s nipples, switching between oneand the other, as if the two nubs were his personal playthings.

“Say,don’t you ever undress when you have s.e.x?”

Aftercatching his breath, Ch’in Ching sat up straight escaping the man’s hand andlooked at him as he questioned. He did not wait for the answer, however, anddipped down to latch onto the knot on his belt with his teeth and pulled itapart.

“Youknow, I’ve been thinking about stripping you naked for a long time now.”

Thinkingto himself what the great saint once said, ‘tis impolite not to reciprocate,Ch’in Ching worked on taking off Shen Liangsheng’s outer robe while teasingverbally. All the while, he kept eye contact with the man so that he couldabort should danger present itself. That was the disadvantage of being theweaker – only those with power and leverage could toy with and pick on beautiesas they wished.

ShenLiangsheng was much hardier against the cold than the average person, onlydonning a single layer underneath his outer robe even in winter. Ch’in Ching’shand paused at the knot b.u.t.tons and continued after he spotted no objection onthe man’s face. When the man’s tight, bare chest came to sight, his heartskipped a beat.

Next,he took off the man’s underpants, and out jumped the culprit that was twiceresponsible for his torturous ecstasy. Under the volcanic gla.s.s lamplight, itshead was red, swollen and leaking, announcing its prolonged arousal.

“Andhere I thought you were in control…” Ch’in Ching flicked the member lightly,chuckling. “I didn’t notice it through the quilt, but I bet it’s been hard forquite a while, huh?”

ShenLiangsheng only looked back at him steadily, but Ch’in Ching kept pushing athis limits, teasing in the man’s ear, “I thought that mantra of yours requiresmuch inner strength and control? What’s wrong now?”

“Howabout instead of talking, Ch’in Ching, you use that mouth of yours to dosomething else?”

When itcame to the battle of the tongue, Shen Liangsheng had never let Ch’in Chingtake an easy victory. Once again, he easily silenced the doctor with a singleutterance. The latter faltered and bit his lips, asking, “Do you really wantit?”

ShenLiangsheng did not answer, but his action spoke loud and clear. Holding thedoctor’s head, he pressed it downward.

Ch’in Ching let the man guide him down to thatmonstrosity. When it came too close, he closed his eyes and let it into hismouth, but he could only fit half of it before it touched the base of histongue.

Ch’inChing only held it in his mouth, and Shen Liangsheng did not rush him, either.After giving the doctor some time to get used to it, he guided his head backand forth.

Theshaft was truly not of usual size, so much so that Ch’in Ching’s cheeks werestretched and sore, leaving no room to suck. He managed to wiggle his tongue toslide it against the length as he tried to provide some suction. At times, hecould lick the tiny hole and taste the salty, musky flavour of the man’s fluid.He did not feel disgusted at all and even swallowed it along with his ownsaliva while gazing at the man.

Underthe lamplight, Shen Liangsheng’s brows were slightly furrowed and his eyespartly lidded. With his tall nose and thin lips, his countenance belonged toone lacking in emotion and desire but presently revealed a hint of arousal,which made Ch’in Ching’s heart skip another beat. He was the one servinganother man with his mouth, but he couldn’t help his own member feeling excitedas well.

The man showed absolutely no sign of release even whenCh’in Ching’s cheeks were too sore to continue, so he could only abandon the taskand crawl up to speak near the man’s ear. “Shen-hufa, it appears impossible for my mouth to complete the job…” Apause, and then he pressed his voice lower, speaking at a nearly inaudiblevolume, “Could you do it with your own hand? I’ve always wanted to watch you.”

Openinghis eyes to the request, Shen Liangsheng put on a rare, ambiguous half-smileand replied lightly, “Since you want to so badly, take a good look.”

Withthat said, Shen Liangsheng actually took hold of his own member and begancalmly stroking under the doctor’s gaze. He watched the naked man kneelingbefore him begin to get hard again and, apparently impatient, soon lean inputting his renewed erection against his hand, quietly requesting, “Help me,too.”

ShenLiangsheng circled his free arm around the doctor and pressed their bodiestogether, chest to chest, shaft to shaft. Back and forth the two members rubbedagainst one another, one head wetting the other.

Huggingthe taller man, Ch’in Ching moaned quiet sweet nothings in the man’s ear.“Your…feels so nice…like this…”

“Oh?”With raised brows, Shen Liangsheng reached around the doctor and slipped afinger in with the ointment as lubrication. “Doesn’t it feel better insideyou?”

“You’dbetter not…” Ch’in Ching snapped back to reality after the threatening remark.“We can discuss this n-next time.”

“Youshould’ve considered that before you tempted me. It’s too late to play innocentnow. Ch’in Ching, you’re bound to cause trouble with that reckless att.i.tude ofyours.”

Strangely,Ch’in Ching did not reply after the utterance but instead looked back at himwith a smile. Only after a long time did he speak. “It’s not often I hear yousay so many words.” He paused and then added, “I love you.”

ShenLiangsheng held his gaze but remained silent still and sped his hands. Hestroked their lengths together in his left hand while he slid a finger of theother hand in and out of Ch’in Ching, scratching a certain sensitive nub fromtime to time. Very soon he pushed the doctor to his climax, but perhaps becauseof overindulgence, there was little e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e and Ch’in Ching was left limp andpanting on the taller man’s chest.

“You’re thinner than when I met you.” Shen Liangsheng wasstill fully erect but seemed not to be in a rush. He brushed the doctor’s backand traced the protruding shoulder blades.

“Yeah.Maybe soon I’ll be on my way to enlightenment and the other world. Would youlike me to take you along?”

“Ch’inChing.” But Shen Liangsheng responded with an unrelated question. “You keepmentioning love, but why are you not worried this time that you might wastesomebody’s time?”

“Well,I got a question for you, too!” Ch’in Ching continued the lighthearted banter,giggling. “After I die, will you have a problem finding a husband or finding awife? If not, why should I be worried?”

Notreturning the banter, Shen Liangsheng pressed the doctor’s head down again,commanding, “Suck it some more.”

Theobedient Ch’in Ching did as he was told, but the taller man did not spare himthis time. He thrust into the warm cavity roughly until saliva dribbled allover slurring the doctor’s words, and he could barely breathe, and tears filledhis eyes. Only then did Shen Liangsheng release his hot load in the man’smouth, but he did not pull out and instead forced the man to swallow most ofit.

“Cough-cough-cough.” Ch’in Ching’sreaction was not one originating in disgust but simply from being choked. Whenhe spoke again, his voice was very hoa.r.s.e.

“Resta.s.sured, Shen Liangsheng…” Ch’in Ching looked up at the man with a hand on hischest as though he was still catching his breath and the other hand wiping awayfrom the corner of his lips a drip of milky white. “You and I will end onlywhen death parts us.”