Living to Suffer

NSFW

XIII

By the time Shen Liangsheng returned tothe sect, it was just past the Hour of the Rat. He b.u.mped into Miao Jan at thegate of the side hall and bowed his head slightly. “You’re up rather late,Miao-t’angchu.”

“Iwas discussing something with Elder Fang.”

ShenLiangsheng nodded his head again in acknowledgment and was about to continuewalking when Miao Jan halted him. “I haven’t seen you around for a few days.Did you go see that darling doctor of yours?”

“Hasthe deputy summoned me?”

“No,I’m just curious.” Miao Jan tilted her head. “If it were anybody else, I wouldwarn him not to let private matters interfere with the sect’s affairs, but Ihave no need to say that to you.”

“Youare too generous with your praise, Miao-t’angchu.”

“Whosaid I was praising you? Hsiao-Shen,you are getting more and more thick-skinned.” Miao Jan laughed jeeringly. “Thatpoor Ch’in-taifu. Why did he have tofall in love with someone as difficult and obstinate as you? He’s only going tosuffer for it.”

“Oh?I had no idea Miao-t’angchu had suchstrong opinions about me.”

“AuntieMiao watched you grow up, Hsiao-Shen.”Miao Jan usually put on the act of a young lady but now used her age topatronize the young. “Say the lad is giving you his heart. How much of thatcould you possibly reciprocate?”

“There’sa saying, one may know the face but not the heart. How can you tell I am notjust as committed?”

“Well,that’s a question only you can answer.” Miao Jan donned once again her mask ofyouth and giggled lightheartedly, “When you look at him, does your heart beatfaster even if for just a second?”

“Itis late.” Shen Liangsheng did not respond and instead began to bid herfarewell. “By your leave.”

“Isaid I don’t need to warn you, but I do want to stress one thing, Hsiao-Shen,” Miao Jan added as he walkedaway. “Do not make the same mistake I made.”

Now, she had rushed to be spectator toShen Liangsheng’s affair last time, but the truth was that the biggestspectacle of the Hsing Sect since its founding involved Miao Jan herself.

Itwas more than thirty years ago, and Shen Liangsheng had not yet been born. Hisfather held the position of hufa, andMiao Jan was one of the four t’angchuin the sect. But one day she up and left the fine post, renouncing her sect,and eloped with someone.

Inthe end, she returned on her own accord before even a year pa.s.sed, and with muchthanks to Shen Sr. she avoided capital punishment for treachery. Instead sheunderwent a torturous process that was literally a ‘mountain of knives and seaof fire’ and further swore a deathly oath with her soul as indemnity, and onlythen did she regain a spot in the sect. As she was truly talented and did notmake any more mistakes, she was reinstated in her position as t’angchu when Shen Liangsheng was aroundseven or eight.

Naturallygifted and quick-witted even at a young age, Shen Liangsheng was expected tofind great success in martial arts. The only unfortunate thing was that the boywas as stubborn as his father and even more cold-hearted. No one had everspotted his smiles or tears after the age of three. Miao Jan used to tease himsaying an icy doll like him might just melt away when the tears finally brokefree.

ShenLiangsheng’s father received a critical injury in his early days from which henever fully recovered. The man knew he would live a short life and thusinstructed his son from the beginning, “The position of hufa will belong to you sooner or later, but you belong neither tome nor to yourself. Your fate is to be a weapon to defend and protect the sect.”

ShenLiangsheng was a sensible boy early on and took his father’s every word toheart. It wasn’t until he was seven or so and came upon his first obstacle inhis martial training that he questioned his father, “How can man be weapon? Andhow could one become a weapon? I fear I cannot do it.”

“Youneed to take your time to ponder the state of selflessness,” His fatherreplied. “You need only remember this: in this entire world, you will findrefuge only in the Hsing Sect.”

ShenLiangsheng fell quiet in thought. His father thought him too young tocomprehend the idea and proceeded to give Miao Jan as an example. “Look atAuntie Miao and her extraordinary set of skills. After she sneaked away fromthe sect, we sent out scores of men to search for her for six whole months tono avail. And then what happened? She came back herself. You just have toremember that even if one day you become so powerful you can pierce the heavensand drill through the earth, the only place you can return to is here. Thecharacter hsing contains a blade, andin this lifetime, you are hsing and hsing is you.”

Atthe time, Shen Liangsheng was still fairly close with Miao Jan and even calledher auntie. It was the first time he had heard about this incident, and leavinghis troubles aside, he sought Miao Jan and inquired into the details.

“Whydid you betray the sect?” Not knowing how to be roundabout, the child threw anfrigid question in her face.

ButMiao Jan only smiled, rubbing his head. “That’s because somebody was in lovewith me and gave me his heart, and I loved him, too. He said he wanted to spendthe rest of his life with me, so I eloped with him.”

“Thenwhy did you come back?”

“Becauseeventually he found out about the bad things that I had done, so he didn’t loveme and didn’t want to see me anymore. I came back because I had nowhere else togo.”

ShenLiangsheng thought for a moment before asking again, this time with a trace ofchildishness, “Is that man still alive? I’ll kill him for you.”

“Thankyou for the kind offer.” Miao Jan burst out laughing. “He is indeed alive, but that’sbecause I want him to be. You’re still young, so you probably don’t understand,but I finally found love. Even though our affinity ran dry and we didn’t get agood ending, I still want him to live.” After a pause, she continued with alighthearted sigh while staring at the candlelight on the desk. “That’s right.I finally found love. Of course I’d want him to stay alive.”

Don’tmake the same mistake I made.

Thatone utterance awakened the distant memories of the past. As Shen Liangsheng layin bed with his eyes closed, he could still faintly make out Miao Jan’s softsigh. So many years had pa.s.sed, yet she had not changed a bit, as though shewere a paper cut-out from a painting. Yet even a paper cut-out was asking him,“Do you have a heart with which to love?”

Inthe dark, Shen Liangsheng placed a hand on his chest. His heartbeat was steadyand constant. Day after day, month after month, year after year, it had neverfaltered once.

MiaoJan was not wrong. Whether it was lingering kisses or coital engagements, hisheartbeat never quickened when he held the man close, even at the most ecstaticof times.

Butshe wasn’t aware of one thing. Once upon a time, a child saw the tenderexpression on her face as she recalled her past lover and carefully stored itin the innermost corner in his heart.

Thatwas the only thing Shen Liangsheng had ever learned since his childhood aboutthis thing called “love.”

Ch’in Ching’s best feature was his eyes.It had nothing to do with their attractiveness but rather the emotions theyheld within – they were always so rich with affection.

Eversince he first looked out upon that private world of summer rain and bloomingreeds, they had been gazing at him with earnest attentiveness.

Thena hint of gentle sentiment found its way in, and with sincerity and tenderness theyconfessed their love for him.

All Shen Liangsheng knew and understoodabout this thing called “love” was a certain earnest and tender expression.

Itwas something that he had seen once in someone with whom he was close inchildhood and then once again in Ch’in Ching’s eyes.

Althoughhe did not know what it meant to be moved or how to reciprocate that feeling, hewanted to stare into those affectionate eyes – that much he knew.

Hewanted to stare into those earnest, gentle eyes while they looked back at him.

Andif he could, he wanted to look at them forever.

“Ch’in Ching, this is a gift from Miao-t’angchu to make up for your firstmeeting.”

Theydid not exactly end on a sour note last time, but Shen Liangsheng neverthelesshad difficulty finding a greeting when he made time to visit the doctor again.What he ended up doing to break the ice was to take out from his sleeve thecase from Miao Jan and place it on the table.

Onaccount of the intricate designs on the wooden case, Ch’in Ching could easily tellit belonged to a woman. He opened it to see it full of a balm-like substancetinged with scarlet, but when he put it to his nose, he detected no particularscent.

“Wow,this has got to be…” Ch’in Ching chuckled, shaking his head. “You can tell itspurpose with just a glance.”

“Iasked her. It’s only an enhancer, does no harm to the body.”

“Iadmire your ability to say that with a straight face.” Ch’in Ching replaced iton the table. “She said no harm, and only you’d believe that. I won’t use it.”

ShenLiangsheng didn’t respond. He was recalling Miao Jan’s friendly dare when shepa.s.sed the case to him. “Take this, Hsiao-Shen,if you want to feel your heart beating like a drum.”

Daylight did not last long in winter. AfterCh’in Ching lit the candle, he turned around to find Shen Liangsheng lookingsteadily at him. Their eyes remained locked until Ch’in Ching finally avertedhis gaze. The doctor blamed the hufa’sattractiveness for the defeat – even though the man’s eyes held no affection,he was still stirred to restlessness.

“Iwonder if you are of the same opinion as me, Shen-hufa.” Ch’in Ching approached with a coy smile. “A night of pa.s.sionis impossibly short, thus it is best to enjoy the pleasures in a timelymanner.”

ShenLiangsheng nodded at the statement. “Right you are, Ch’in-taifu.” But he instead sat down at the table and poured himself acup of tea to sip on leisurely.

Leftaside by the taller man, Ch’in Ching spat inwardly – I see through your tricks – but he could not help stepping towardthe man to stand behind him and slowly remove the pin from his topknot. Seeingthe sleek cascade flowing over his shoulders and down his back, Ch’in Ching foundthe usually emotionless face now framed with a hint of dark sensuality and bentdown to plant a feathery kiss on the crown of his head. He teased quietly,“What a beauty.”

ShenLiangsheng looked up at Ch’in Ching and saw that his face had lost its previousfleshiness and was now gaunt. Somewhat displeased, the hufa pinched his cheek and commented as though he were evaluatinghis own livestock. “Winter’s the time to grow fat, but you’re getting thinnerand thinner.”

“‘Ishall never regret the loosening of my belt.’ ”Ch’in Ching took the man’s hand and kissed it. “It’s worth becoming skinny piningof you.”

“Ido not need you to loosen your belt.” Shen Liangsheng put down his cup. “Only yourrobes.”

“Shen-hufa, when will you ever fix thishypocrisy of yours, always appearing to be so proper when you’re not?” Ch’inChing kissed the man again, this time on the palm, before letting go. He untiedhis belt, threw it aside, and began working on unfastening the knot b.u.t.tons onhis outer robe. One after another, the b.u.t.tons came loose and exposed theclean, white undergarments. His fingers lingered for a moment and then resumedunb.u.t.toning the rest until he had rid himself of all the fabric shields andstood bare right before Shen Liangsheng’s eyes. Caressing the man’s hair, thedoctor asked quietly, “What now?”

“Thisfellow certainly did not lose any weight despite the rest of you.” ShenLiangsheng rested his head on one hand while touching the soft, hanging memberbetween the doctor’s legs. With a quick tease, it began to react and lift itshead. He stopped and continued, “What do you think should happen now, Ch’in-taifu?”

“Howabout you give it a little kiss?” Ch’in Ching eased his growing erection to theman’s lips and whispered back, “It hasn’t gotten thinner, but it still missedyou terribly.”

Aftera quick glance upward, Shen Liangsheng indeed gave it a kiss as requested andproceeded to lick and suck. His tongue worked such wonders that Ch’in Ching’ships began slowly gyrating in rhythm with the man’s sucking.

Thecandlelight on the desk begat two shadows, one standing and one sitting. Theflame made a tiny leap, and the shadows swayed along and seemed to entwine evenmore tightly.

While he was servicing the doctor, ShenLiangsheng reached over for the balm. Flipping open the lid with one hand, hedipped in his index finger and then slid the digit down Ch’in Ching’s back andbetween the two cheeks. After ma.s.saging the opening a little, he pushed thefinger in.

“Say,is this ointment really safe?” Ch’in Ching had his eyes closed in enjoyment butwhen he felt the slickness of the finger entering him, he thought of the factthat the aphrodisiac was made of some unknown substance and quickly backed awaywith a frown, giving up the pleasure. “I really don’t think we should use it.Let’s just leave it.”

“Ch’inChing.” Shen Liangsheng hooked an arm about his hips and pulled him back. Firsthe kissed the alert member and then commanded softly, “Behave.”

Itwas the first time the taller man had spoken to Ch’in Ching so quietly and gently,and he instantly turned into jelly. Silently he exclaimed how beauty misleadsthe heart but swallowed his objection.

NotingCh’in Ching’s silent approval, Shen Liangsheng dug out a chunk of the balm andspread it inside the man with two fingers. While pumping the digits in and out,he continued sucking him off.

It was not long before the hufa realized something was amiss. Themember in his mouth actually had become soft and would not harden no matterwhat techniques he applied.

“Isit really that uncomfortable?”

Movinghis mouth away, he looked up at Ch’in Ching to find him biting on his bottomlip with a frown, sweat beginning to drip down his temples.

“Well,if you feel good, why is this guy so well-behaved?” Shen Liangsheng gentlyflicked the limp member while still fingering the man.

“Howshould I know?” His legs beginning to fail him, Ch’in Ching was falling intothe hufa’s arms, face already buriedin the nook of his neck. After some panting, he mustered a quiet utterance.“But…it’s quite…in there…mhm…”

“Howis it in there?” With an earlobe between his teeth, Shen Liangsheng askedsoftly before increasing the speed of his fingers.

Ch’inChing remained speechless but soon reached his own hand down to overlap withthat of Shen Liangsheng.

Thelatter a.s.sumed Ch’in Ching did not like the velocity and expected to slow down,but it became apparent that the doctor was thirsty for more. He just would notverbalize it and only fumbled with the hufa’sfingers attempting to add another digit in.

AlthoughShen Liangsheng understood his intentions, he feigned ignorance and even wentas far as to stop his hand. He sat back and let Ch’in Ching manoeuvre anotherone of his fingers into himself after much toil. The man’s entrance waswinking, sucking on his digits as though they were enticing him to resume hispenetration.

“What’sgoing on with you?”

“You…”The hufa knew what was going on, sowhy was he asking? Ch’in Ching felt a p.r.i.c.k of frustration, but he knew the manwould refuse to resume if he didn’t say it aloud. He could only abandon whatlittle shame he had and speak honestly, “It really itches…in there, so helpme.”

After shedding his humility, the restcame a lot easily, as nothing seemed too hard to utter now. Shen Liangsheng hadjust resumed his fingering when Ch’in Ching’s hands slid down to the hufa’s crotch and covered his manhood.Then came the doctor’s mumbled prompt. “Are you hard? Hurry up and stick itin…”

“Impatientalready?” Shen Liangsheng began undressing while fingering Ch’in Ching, pullinghis pants down to reveal his swollen length. He was about to order the man tosit down, but the man could not wait another moment and held the shaft steadyhimself before finding the right position and impaling himself on it in one go.His entire manhood buried into the moist heat, and Shen Liangsheng could notsuppress the soft gasp that escaped his mouth.

The candlelight swayed, just as Ch’inChing was rocking wantonly on Shen Liangsheng’s lap. From the front he showed absolutelyno signs of activity, but from behind he was receiving an incomparable level ofstimulation, as though the pleasure that belonged in the front had all been trappedin the back by that questionable aphrodisiac. Every inch of his insides was atthe height of sensitivity as if all his nerve endings were rerouted to that oneplace. At the same time he felt as though it were not enough; he would behungry one moment but always hungrier in the next. It was all he could do tobeg Shen Liangsheng, “Go to the bed…you on top…faster that way…”

Hearingthis, Shen Liangsheng took the man into his arms and walked them both to thebed. After setting down Ch’in Ching, he took the opportunity to strip himself,but he realized the man could not wait for even that long. As soon as themanhood left him, Ch’in Ching replaced it with three of his own digits andstarted fingering himself as he stared at Shen Liangsheng with a halfaggrieved, half desperate gaze. The hufafelt the fires of l.u.s.t within him roaring higher and hotter under those eyes,so he quickly rid himself of all garments and pounced on the bed pounding intothe man. He buried himself in and did not move back and forth, instead stirringCh’in Ching’s tight insides like a swimmer’s legs treading water. Meanwhile, heasked, “How’s this?”

“Ah…yeah…yeah….”Ch’in Ching’s mind was in complete disarray when he caught a whiff of a phantomfragrance. Incidentally, the balm was scentless under normal conditions but releaseda warm scent only in the heat of desire. It had the effect of heighteningarousal but also clarity.

Calledback to earth by the fragrance, Ch’in Ching felt his head clear and every bit ofpleasure from below travel to the crown of his head, then to his four limbs andevery one of his bones. This became an unbearable tingle that caused him towind his arms around Shen Liangsheng’s neck and writhe uncontrollably. Thesensation of their skin rubbing together gave him such ecstasy that he wishedthey could simply melt into one, their flesh and blood merged forever.

Shen Liangsheng also smelled thefragrance. Ch’in Ching’s eyes burned with pa.s.sion as he stuck out his chest torub his alert nipples with those of Shen Liangsheng, evidently pursuingstimulation whichever way he could. Seeing this, the hufa swore his heart rate truly hastened. Although he knew it wasbecause of the phantom fragrance, he still felt an indescribable emotion in hischest, almost like anxiety that arose from deep within urging him to devourthis man whole, flesh and bone, so that his person would be his totally.

“Lookat me, Ch’in Ching,” he demanded before quickly straightening himself to ahalf-kneeling position. He pushed the doctor’s legs up then pressed them down,folding him in half like a piece of paper so that his b.u.t.t was in the air. Evenfrom Ch’in Ching’s angle, he could see the manhood penetrating him, enteringfully before pulling out fully. The monstrous shaft was like an anaconda drillingits way time and again deeply into him and sending wave after wave of pleasurethat threatened to eat up all of his vital organs.

“What a s.l.u.t you are. How else do youwant me to f.u.c.k you? Hm?”

ShenLiangsheng would never, ever, utter such vulgar expressions of l.u.s.t, but at thetime his heart was actually beating like a drum, the pace only gaining speed.Such a vivid sensation impelled him to abandon all self-restraint and devote himselffully to this fleshly engagement.

“Ah…hah…”Ch’in Ching hadn’t the slightest idea how else he could be f.u.c.ked or how heshould cope with this. Shen Liangsheng had tied his member last time preventingit from release, but he knew what the end would ultimately be. This time,however, his member would not harden no matter what. He was obviously inmind-blowing ecstasy now, but he did not know how he could achieve that finalclimax.

Shen Liangsheng might have been in a rarestate of total engagement, but he still held on to shreds of rationality.Concerned for Ch’in Ching’s stamina in this position, he eventually laid theman down flat after dozens of thrusts, tucked a pillow underneath his hips andresumed the forceful pounding in missionary position.  He felt the slick, soft walls tightly wrappedaround him as they kept squeezing and convulsing around his head as thoughtrying to glue themselves onto it. With his member treated to such delights,even someone with exceptional self-control like Shen Liangsheng was unable tobear it much longer, and before a stick of incense could finish burning, he hadreached his release.

Helooked at Ch’in Ching after catching his breath to find teary signs in thedoctor’s eyes, so he pulled the man into his embrace, their nether regionsstill very much connected, and joined him at the lips launching into apa.s.sionate exchange.

“Yourbuddy here is awfully well-behaved. Could it be that it doesn’t feel goodenough?” After some kisses, Shen Liangsheng became hard again and began pumpinghimself slowly while stroking the man’s limp member. He leaned into his ear.“What should I do to make you feel good?”

“I…well, I’m certainly never going to use that ever again…” Ch’in Ching grumbledand then whispered in the man’s ears secretively. “Not that it doesn’t feelgood… It feels so good down there…so good I could die…”

“Seefor yourself…” Shen Liangsheng led his hand down to the spot at which they wereconnected and returned more quiet words of pa.s.sion. “You’re so hot and softthere, and so very tight, I just want to f.u.c.k it all night long.”

“Good…”Ch’in Ching kissed him again and said through mumbles, “I love you so… Onenight goes without saying…I wish I could spend the rest of my life with youbetween the sheets…”

Outside the hut, the long night grewcold, but on the inside, it was exploding with heat and pa.s.sion.

HoldingCh’in Ching close, Shen Liangsheng thrust himself in deeply as if he would onlyrest once his bloated b.a.l.l.s entered the doctor as well. His pubic hair hadbecome moist from the lewd fluids leaking from the man, and the imagery of black,shiny hairs slick against two fair b.u.t.t cheeks was the epitome of eroticism.

“Turnaround and bend over,” Shen Liangsheng ordered a change in position after awhile. The doctor bent over on his knees pushing his hips into the air. Thehole between the cheeks was f.u.c.ked so much it was open like a blooming bud. Onthe stigma hung pearls of milky white – the s.e.m.e.n he had just shot in.

Ch’inChing waited with his b.u.t.t in the air for the re-entry but felt the root of hisethereal pleasures only rubbing back and forth near his entrance, stubbornly rejectinghis invitation. He could only reach back with his hands and spread his cheeksapart, begging wantonly, “I can’t stand it. Stick it in, quick…”

Beforehe finished, he felt it enter him once more, this time with the company of twohands on his chest roughly playing with his nipples. He let his voice free,moaning and screaming, only for it to come to an abrupt halt – it felt so goodhe was crying.

Although he could not reach releasethrough his manhood, an endless stream of pleasure came from his behind andformed a dense web entrapping him more and more tightly. In the end, aftercountless positions and innumerable hours, the phantom fragrance could nolonger keep him conscious, and his vision faded to black.

Butthe last thing he registered before he lost awareness was not the infinitely deeptrench of carnal desire but the soft touches of the man kissing away his tearsand their streaks – again and again, stubbornly and impulsively on his closedeyes.