Living to Suffer

XVIII

After a day of intense travel, a t’angchu joined forces with them. While Shen Liangsheng wassuccessfully bringing Ch’in Ching back to Mount Fut’u, the chianghu seemed to have returned to normal. Most likely theyunderstood the natural advantages of the mountain and the futility of rushinginto a siege. It would be wiser to train and prepare for that inevitable,ultimate clash of good and evil.

Five days remained till the celestial date. The vesselhad arrived, and although the sect had more than enough resources to guard theman twenty-four hours a day, just to be on the safe side Miao Jan personallytested his blood and evaluated his pulse to formulate a sleeping potion thatwould knock him out for five days.

“MissMiao…” Highly trained guards were outside, but only Ch’in Ching and Miao Janwere in the room. Ch’in Ching muttered as he blew on the potion, “Will yourformula really work? I may be unskilled, but I am a doctor nevertheless.Perhaps I could revise the recipe for you?”

“Cutyour bulls.h.i.t. Short as it is, your life is worth more in gold right now thanthis old bag of bones. Who would risk harming you?” Miao Jan was blunt but alsosounded somewhat endearing like an older family member berating a child. “Also,aren’t you supposed to call me ‘Auntie Miao’ like Hsiao­-Shen?”

“Comenow, don’t be beastly. How can you tease me about being in-laws when you cansee what he and I have become.” Ch’in Ching downed the liquid, lay down andpulled the quilt up to his chin. Then he actually called, “Auntie Miao…”

“Whatis it?”

“I’mscared of pain. How about you make another potion for me so that I can sleep throughthe seven days after, too?”

“No cando.” Miao Jan knew very well that the vessel must be hung for seven whole daysof excruciating pain. She saw how weak and sickly pale he was lying there, andshe felt terrible, but she could not agree.

“Is heoutside?” Of course, Ch’in Ching wasn’t serious with his request and changedthe topic. “Could you do me a favour, Auntie Miao, and tell him that I wantsomeone else to guard me. I don’t want to see him.”

“Don’tworry. He doesn’t have time to watch you all the time.” Then she addedcomfortingly, “Besides, you’re going to fall asleep now, and you won’t see himwhen you’re asleep, right?”

“That’strue.”

“Now,sleep.” She noticed he was already drifting away, so she tucked him in andrepeated quietly, “You won’t see him when you’re asleep.”

She waited until Ch’in Ching had fallen asleep toleave. Sure enough, Shen Liangsheng was outside, hands clasped behind his back.His expression was impa.s.sive than ever, so much so that Miao Jan could nolonger read it.

“He’sasleep. You may keep watch if you’d like.” She knew he had overheard theprevious conversation but insisted on pa.s.sing on the message. “It’s just thathe said he doesn’t like pain. And he doesn’t want to see you.”

The mannodded before entering the room anyway. Miao Jan was left there holding anempty bowl thinking to herself, Ch’inChing, are you still blind to the obvious? For those words to hurt they must beheard by someone who cares. This man who disregards your life, do you expecthim to be affected at all?

Step by step, Shen Liangsheng approached the bed andlooked down at the sleeping man.

Amillion things seemed to be racing through his mind, but it also seemed to havereturned to its initial stage of nothingness.

Hegrabbed a chair and sat down by the bed, watching Ch’in Ching in silence. He triedto fish out bits of memory from that nothingness but found that all hismemories slipped through his fingers like running water, evading capture.

“Whenyou die…” His heartbeat was steady – badoombadoom – as rhythmic as a water clock, quietly witnessing the pa.s.sage oftime with every drip. He whispered to the sleeping man, “…I’ll forget you.”

Theflame of the candle on the bedside table jumped, its flickering lightilluminating the doctor’s face. A long, shallow scar traileddown from the corner of one eye, as though the man had heard the hufa’s quiet words and so began to shedtears of heartbreak.

ShenLiangsheng reached out as though to caress his face but stopped an inch away,tracing with a finger in midair the false tear streak while continuing softly,

“Whatare you crying for… I was just teasing you.”

Five days pa.s.sed in the blink of an eye, and Ch’inChing awoke according to schedule. The first thing he saw was Shen Liangshengstanding beside him, and he smiled at him without much thought.

Onlyafter the fact did he remember the circ.u.mstance he was in, and he smiled againshaking his head.

MiaoJan’s potion had placed him in a state of feigned death; thus he felt neither hungernor thirst despite having consumed nothing for five days. Ch’in Ching left thebed, straightened his clothing and looked up at Shen Liangsheng. Perhaps heshould have said something, but he knew not what to say, and so he smiled athird time.

“Time is of the essence, Ch’in Ching. Thisway please.”

ShenLiangsheng looked at him coolly, as if he had rea.s.sembled his thoughts in thelast five days and transformed himself back into the man of their firstencounter: unsmiling with an aura of death, cold-blooded and perfectlyrational.

Itproduced in Ch’in Ching the feeling that their time together was nothing more thana five-day dream.

This is who the man was originally, so this is what Igot.  Ch’inChing ridiculed himself silently as he followed Shen Liangsheng out of hisprison. But it was truly stupid andpathetic of me to think he had also fallen in love.

The layout of the Hsing Sect was complex andcriss-crossed with traps. Tallow torches lit the dim galleries every ten steps.Each sect member standing guard knelt on one knee and bowed when ShenLiangsheng walked by. Ch’in Ching followed behind enjoying the false glory ofthe situation, as he noticed to his surprise their rising alt.i.tude. He hada.s.sumed the fiend’s body would be hidden deep within an earthen labyrinth, butapparently that was not the case.

Afteranother pot of tea’s time, they entered a s.p.a.cious, empty hall. Ch’in Chingestimated the height to be greater than one hundred feet, for the ceiling wastoo dark and far to spot.

ShenLiangsheng stopped and turned to Ch’in Ching. The doctor thought the man hadwords for him to pay attention to, but the man stepped towards him and pulledhim up into a bridal carry.

It wasnot the first time Ch’in Ching had been treated in this way, but it was indeedthe first time he felt averse to it. He struggled a bit perhaps to avoid thestony air about the man.

“Don’tmove,” the man ordered in a low voice as he tightened his grip, still standing inthe same spot.

SoCh’in Ching could only allow himself to be held, but then came an utterancethat was completely unrelated to their present situation:

“Youalways carry the scent of herbs. I shall remember it.”

As Ch’in Ching was getting ready to reply, his headspun and his vision blurred, pushing his words back down. Shen Liangsheng shotinto the air thirty feet, bending slightly to tap histoes on the stone wall, which sent him up another thirty feet. He repeated thisuntil they reached solid ground again, and he let Ch’in Ching down.

They werestanding on a platform protruding from the wall, and before them was a ma.s.siveblack form, perhaps an iron gate.

Ch’inChing had barely cracked his lips when the gates opened. From within came ablinding efflux of candlelight, and he shut his eyes against it.

In lesstime than it took to blink, he felt his hand being held. Shen Liangsheng walkedwith him past the gate and did not let go until they had entered the chamber.

“Inever knew you could escort a prisoner like that. What afascinating method.” The four t’angchuand two elders were all present. Miao Jan was the type to joke in anysituation, so it was natural that she made fun of Shen Liangsheng.

“Miao-t’angchu,” someone responded from acorner. “I’m starting to think your tongue may a treasure of this sect. When werun out of money, the two of us should find a teahouse and perform somecrosstalk. I bet we would make buckets of gold.”

Ch’inChing turned to the sound, and beside him Shen Liangsheng reported in a deepvoice, “Deputy, I have brought the man.”

Ch’inChing took a good look at this man who was rumoured to be more formidable thanthe hufa. He was a slightly chubby,middle-aged man with kind eyes. Far from the leader of a demonic sect, he appearedmore like a merchant, particularly one who chose the route of amity.

“Younglad, this must be terrible for you.” His tone was as amiable as his appearance.He approached Ch’in Ching and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Seeing as youdidn’t get a good result this life, it’s better that you walk the path of theYellow Spring quickly and be reborn into a better life.”

“…”Ch’in Ching was at a loss for words. He finally understood where the hufa acquired his training in verbalsparring. Fortunately for them, he had little honour or decency to speak of.Any other person would certainly have been shamed to death before he couldbecome the blood trigger.

“Deputy, it is almost time. Shall we light theincense?”

ElderFang and Elder Wu were conscious of the hour, and when the deputy leadernodded, they took out from a box a stick of incense thick enough to just grabwith one hand and planted it in the censer. After lighting it, they respectfullyplaced the censer atop a meta coffin sitting in the centre of the chamber.

Ch’inChing had spotted the coffin the instant he entered and recognized it as theplace where the fiend was resting his body.

Andthis stone chamber must have been the highest point in the entirety of theHsing Sect.

Itturned out that the fiend was not hiding underground even when he was in astate of feigned death. He still wanted to look down at this beautiful worldfrom his spot high above, quietly awaiting the day of rebirth when he woulda.s.sert total dominance over it.

The incense having been lit, the deputy satcross-legged by the coffin, closed his eyes and began channelling his ch’i. The chamber fell silent. All eyeswere glued to the coffin and the man. Even Ch’in Ching was curious as to howthis soul trigger worked.

Whilehe was observing, eyes squinted, Shen Liangsheng, who had been standing besidehim with his hands clasped behind his back, took half a step forward andslightly to the left, partially blocking the doctor. His left hand reachedbackwards as well and held onto the doctor’s right hand.

Oh, give me a break. Does he not know what time it is?How does he still have the leisure to do this? Ch’inChing tried to jerk his hand away but to no avail, so he let it be. If you say he is heartless, how would youexplain this stunt? But if you say he does have a heart, how do you expect meto believe you?

Ch’in Chingnaturally could not see his expression. He could only feel the hand around hishand, but even so, the air about the man was dead still. The hands werephysically connected, and there was nothing else to it.

The incense was rather thick but burned very quickly.When it came to its end, the meditating man gave a sudden shudder as a strandof red brume rose from the crown of his head. As though guided by the incensesmoke, the brume floated upward and circled around a few times before burrowinginto the coffin. Instantly, a dazzling red light and a rumbling of thunderexploded from within as if something were trying to break out, but in the end,it gradually resided due to the lack of the last bit of energy.

“…done,”the deputy managed to make one sound before collapsing to the floor. Althoughthe ceremony did not end his life, he had been depleted of his entirecultivation and would have to resort to living as a common man for the rest ofhis time.

“Ishall take the deputy to his room. I leave the blood trigger to you,” ElderFang said to Elder Wu as he hefted the unconscious man onto his back andflitted out of the chamber. Elder Wu first put away the censer and thenproduced another smaller box from his sleeve and approached Ch’in Ching.

“Allowme,” Shen Liangsheng requested flatly. He took one step forward and acceptedthe box. Still holding Ch’in Ching’s hand, he led him to the coffin.

Above the coffin were two chains. The lower one wasapproximately twenty feet above from the coffin while the other was a man’slength higher. Two pairs of manacles hung from each chain, the entire apparatusdesigned to ensure the proper positioning of the vessel over the coffin.

Withoutany outside help, Shen Liangsheng firmly delivered Ch’in Ching onto the bottomchain so quickly their figures were a blur. His hands were calm and steady asthey first cuffed the doctor’s wrists and then his ankles. With that, Ch’inChing was totally secured with no chance of escape on his own.

“Shen-hufa,” Miao Jan managed to verbalizeafter realizing to her dismay Shen Liangsheng’s intentions. “I also head theinfirmary of this sect. Perhaps I should be responsible for this.”

ShenLiangsheng only spat out two cold syllables, “No need.” Still standing on thechain, he opened the box and took out a metal tube much thinner than a pinkyfinger.

Evidentlya bloodletting tool, either end of the tube had a diagonal cut and an extremelysharp finish.

Amidst a solemn silence, Shen Liangshenggazed steadily into Ch’in Ching’s eyes and applied force to his hand, stabbingone end into the doctor’s chest, inch by inch, into his atrium.

Fromstart to end, the hand gripping the tube did not shake even the slightest. Nohesitancy. No wavering.

Ch’in Ching’s heart was structured differently, and hewould not die even with such an object inside, but the pain was excruciating.

Thenwhen the pain overwhelmed him, his vision blackened and he lost consciousness.

Thelast thing he saw was the steady of gaze of Shen Liangsheng’s eye.

Withinthem was no emotion, only pure indifference and dead silence.

When Ch’in Ching awoke, the stone chamber was emptyand devoid of the previous illumination. Only two candles lit the s.p.a.ce,rendering it as dim and eerie as the underworld itself.

Thepain in his chest seemed to have ebbed, allowing Ch’in Ching to gather strengthto look towards the source of the pain. He saw a continuous flow of scarleteasing ever so slowly to the other far end of the metal tube before drippingdown to the coffin below. The coffin seemed to be alive and drank up every dropof it.

The blood trigger vessel is to be hung for seven daysstraight… Ch’in Ching reminded himself while not knowing howmuch time had pa.s.sed.

Nor howmuch longer it would be.

He nowtruly was living to suffer.

He thought back to his early years before he had acceptedhis fate. He would roll about and throw fits, crying and screaming, wheneverthe quarterly pain hit.

Therewas nothing his shifu could do excepthold the boy’s hand and repeat, “Fear not, Ching-er, for I am here. I will be with you.”

In theend, however, the sixty-year-old would end up weeping, too. Therefore, as Ch’inChing grew older, he would bear with the pain stoically no matter howunbearable it became, and he never shed another tear.

Shifu…thankfully you’re not seeing this rightnow. If you were, I can’t fathom how your heart must ache. Ch’in Ching ponderedsilently. As he did so, the pain seemed to go away just a little bit.

Onlythe hearts of those who love you wholeheartedly would ache for you. Ch’in Ching struggled to look up towards one corner of the chamber. Thevoice continued quietly. But this man’sheart will not.

ShenLiangsheng stood in that nook without a sound. Ch’in Ching could not see hisface through the darkness, but he thought the man appeared rather like astatue, not speaking, not moving.

It’s a crying shame that even though this man’s heartwon’t ache for me… Ch’in Ching wanted to chuckle but didnot have the energy to raise his lips, so he continued thinking silently. …all my tears as an adult have been shedbefore his eyes.

Losing consciousness, waking, losing consciousnessagain, waking again… He lost count of the hours and days and became numb to thepain.

Everytime he came to he would look towards that corner.

AndShen Liangsheng would be there every time, as though he had been standing therethe entire time he hung there, never leaving for one moment.

“What is the time?”

Withthe pain in his heart under control, Ch’in Ching felt stronger and spoke toShen Liangsheng for the first time.

“’Tisthe last day.”

“Ah…soonthen.” Ch’in Ching exhaled in relief that the days of suffering were coming toan end. As a result, his mood lightened as well, enough for him to joke withthe other man. “Say…you have not been standing there all this while…have you?Escape is futile even if I grew a pair of wings….”

“Ch’inChing.”

ShenLiangsheng stepped out of his dark corner for the first time and approached themetal coffin. Looking up at the hanging man, he enunciated each word slowly,

“Afteryou die, I will live on.”

“…”

“Everybit of pain you suffer now was given unto you by me.”

“…”

“And Ihave witnessed it with my very eyes and memorized every bit of it.”

“…”

“Fromthis day on, I shall remember it every day and dream of it every night.”

“…”

“Sothat I may live in pain every single day for the rest of my life.”

Sothat’s how it is…

Ch’inChing looked into the man’s eyes and saw what he had always seen. Within themwas no emotion, only pure indifference and dead silence.

Hisheart seemed to rumble and crack, after which all that was left in it wasdevastation and barrenness.

Ch’inChing realized the indifference and silence in his eyes were not for him.

But forthe rest of his life.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

ayszhang: Phew...that was one heavy chapter... but you can be sure that it doesn"t get any lighter from here on out... :") The ending is soon after all

On a personal note, I"ve moved into my home in Terrebonne, and my host family is super kind and chill. Work has been busy but very fulfilling so far (it has only been two days though)! I"m working with students ages 13-16, regular and special ed. The next project will have to wait a little bit, meaning there will be a break when I won"t be posting at all. Ying and I have settled on the t.i.tle "Spring Once More" and hopefully we can start posting weekly in late October :) 

Nineteen

Living to Suffer - English Translation by  is licensed under a .