Time to go. I pulled out the compa.s.s, held it horizontally close to my eyes, let the needle settle onto north, looked that way and mapped the first few feet in my mind.
Putting thought into action was an inevitable trial. Everything was sore, every muscle seemed wired directly to the arrow. Violent twinges shot up my nerves like steel lightning.
So what, I told myself. Stop bellyaching. Ignore what it feels like, concentrate on the journey.
Concentrate on the Sheriff...
I pulled myself to my feet again, rocked a bit, sweated, clung onto things, groaned a couple of times, gave myself lectures. Put one foot in front of the other, the only way home.
Knocking the arrow seemed after all not to have been the ultimate disaster. Moving seemed to require the same amount of breath as before, which was to say more than could be easily provided.
I couldn"t always see so far ahead by moonlight and needed to consult the compa.s.s more often. It slowed things up to keep slipping it in and out of my jeans pocket so after a while I tucked it up the sleeve of my jersey. That improvement upset the old fifty-yard rhythm but it didn"t much matter. I looked at my watch instead and stopped every fifteen minutes for a rest.
The moon rose high in the sky and shone unfalteringly into the woods, a silver G.o.ddess that I felt like worshipping. I became numb again to discomfort to a useful degree and plodded on methodically taking continual bearings, breathing carefully, aiming performance just below capability so as to last out to the end.
The archer had to have a face.
If I could think straight, if every sc.r.a.p of attention didn"t have to be focused on not falling, I could probably get nearer to knowing. Things had changed since the arrow. A whole lot of new factors had to be considered. I tripped over a root, half lost my balance, shoved the new factors into oblivion.
Slowly, slowly, I went north. Then one time when I put my hand in my sleeve to bring out the compa.s.s, it wasn"t there.
I"d dropped it.
I couldn"t go on without it. Had to go back. Doubted if I could find it in the undergrowth. I felt swamped with liquefying despair, weak enough for tears.
Get a b.l.o.o.d.y grip on things, I told myself. Don"t be stupid. Work it out.
I was facing north. If I turned precisely one hundred and eighty degrees I would be facing where I"d come from.
Elementary.
Think.
I stood and thought and made the panic recede until I could work out what to do, then I took my knife out of its sheath on my belt and carved an arrow in the bark of the tree I was facing. An arrow pointing skywards. I had arrows on the brain as well as through the lungs, I thought.
The tree arrow pointed north.
The compa.s.s had to be somewhere in sight of that arrow. I would have to crawl to have any hope of finding it.
I went down on my knees carefully and as carefully turned to face the other way, south. The tangle of brown foot-long dried gra.s.s and dead leaves and the leafless shoots of new growth filled every s.p.a.ce between saplings and established trees. Even in daylight with every faculty at full steam it wouldn"t have been an easy search, and as things were it was abysmal.
I crawled a foot or two, casting about, trying to part the undergrowth, hoping desperate hopes. I looked back to the arrow on the tree, then crawled another foot. Nothing. Crawled another and another. Nothing. Crawled until I could see the arrow only because it was pale against the bark, and knew I was already further away than when I"d taken the last bearing.
I turned round and began to crawl back, still sweeping one hand at a time through the jumbled growth. Nothing. Nothing. Hope became a very thin commodity. Weakness was winning.
The compa.s.s had to be somewhere.
If I couldn"t find it I would have to wait for morning and steer north by my watch and the sun. If the sun shone. If I lasted that long. The cold of the night was deepening and I was weaker than I"d been when I set out.
I crawled in a fruitless search all the way back to the tree and then turned and crawled away again in a slightly different line, looking, looking, hope draining away yard by yard in progressive debility, resolution ebbing with failure.
One time when I turned to check on the arrow on the tree, I couldn"t see it. I no longer knew which way was north.
I stopped and slumped dazedly back on my heels, facing utter defeat.
Everything hurt unremittingly and I could no longer pretend I could ignore it. I was wounded to death and dying on my knees, scrabbling in dead gra.s.s, my time running out with the moonlight, shadows closing in.
I felt that I couldn"t endure any more. I had no will left. I had always believed that survival lay in the mind but now I knew there were things one couldn"t survive. One couldn"t survive unless one could believe one could, and belief had leaked out of me, gone with sweat and pain and weakness into the wind.
CHAPTER 18.
Time- unmeasured time- slid away.
I moved in the end from discomfort, from stiffness: made a couple of circling shuffles on my knees, an unthought-out search for a nest to lie in, to die in, maybe.
I looked up and saw again the arrow cut into the tree. It hadn"t been and wasn"t far away, just out of sight behind a group of saplings.
Apathetically, I thought it of little use. The arrow pointed in the right direction, but ten feet past it, without a compa.s.s, which way was north?
The arrow on the tree pointed upwards.
I looked slowly in that direction, as if instructed. Looked upwards to the sky: and there, up there, glimpsed now and then between the moving boughs, was the constellation of the great bear- and the pole star.
No doubt from then on my route wasn"t as straight or as accurate as earlier, but at least I was moving. It wasn"t possible after all to curl up and surrender, not with an alternative. Clinging onto things, breathing little, inching a slow way forwards, I achieved again a sort of numbness to my basic state and in looking upwards to the stars at every pause felt lighter and more disembodied than before.
Light-headed, I dare say.
I looked at my watch and found it was after eleven o"clock, which meant nothing really. I couldn"t reach the road by half past midnight. I didn"t know how long I"d wasted looking for the compa.s.s or how long I"d knelt in capitulation. I didn"t know at what rate I was now travelling and no longer bothered to work it out. All I was really clear about was that this time I would go on as long as my lungs and muscles would function. Survival or nothing. It was settled.
The face of the archer-
In splinters of thought, unconnectedly, I began to look back over the past three weeks.
I thought of how I must seem to them, the people I"d grown to know.
The writer, a stranger, set down in their midst. A person with odd knowledge, odd skills, physically fit. Someone Tremayne trusted and wanted around. Someone who"d been in the right place a couple of times. Someone who threatened.
I thought of Angela Brickell"s death and of the attacks on Harry and me and it seemed that all three had had one purpose, which was to keep things as they were. They were designed not to achieve but to prevent.
One foot in front of the other-
Faint little star, half hidden, revealed now and then by the wind; flickering pin-point in a whirling galaxy, the prayer of navigators- see me home.
Angela Brickell had probably been killed to close her mouth. Harry was to have died to cement his guilt. I wasn"t to be allowed to do what Fiona and Tremayne had both foretold, that I would find the truth for Doone.
They all expected too much of me.