Lost In Character: Transmigration Chronicles Of A Nameless Heroine

Hilde spent the last free moments glancing towards the other side of the dais, trying to meet Gisela"s eyes as well, perhaps share a.s.surances with her that they were both doing all right. That was far from the truth in Hilde"s case, but she didn"t expect that it would not be true either for her cousin.

Gisela did not raise her eyes even after Queen Heloise had acknowledged everyone"s obeisance, and from the stiff way she held herself, Hilde could tell she was under a lot of discomfort. She tried to infer what could be the matter from how Lady Ilse looked, but the older woman was only staring fiercely forward, seemingly unaware of Gisela"s state.

She was careful not to look directly at the Lysean party farther down the line. From her peripheral, however, she noted how a certain young man kept his attention glued to the people at the front. The intensity of his blue-eyed gaze was strong enough to be physically felt. It bordered on rudeness, in her opinion. Was he looking at anyone in particular? Perhaps at a Queendom"s flower that was in the midst of its first bloom?

Hilde had never known her cousin to be awkward or self-conscious, but then she hadn"t been as exposed to the company and attention of other people as most people her age had been. Come to think of it… aside from the men of her household, most of whom had been employed in Nelke even before she was born, Gisela had probably not interacted much with males before.

Her mother had made a fine s.h.i.+eld herself, it seemed. Too fine, perhaps.

The Queen took the throne. Everyone except the soldiers and attendants took their respective seats after she did, and the Royal Officiate, another high-ranking staff who was in charge of formal ceremonies, opened the proceedings. Hilde lost further chances to figure out exactly what was going through her cousin"s mind by observing her, but if she had to guess…

She made it a point to eye some of the people in the gray-plumed crowd as she turned to the front again. Many men and women indeed stole glances at the other Princess periodically, and there were also a few who were shameless enough to stare openly. Was Gisela surprised to find hundreds of gazes drawn to her?

The Royal Officiate finished giving the standard remarks appropriate for times of bereavement. He next called on one member each of the slain soldiers" families, starting from those on the left side of the dais, to give a eulogy for their fallen. As Hilde turned her ears to the speakers, her eyes kept observing.

She noted another thing: how some women, young and not-so-young alike, made it a point to avert their gazes from Gisela and her mother. It was subtle, but it was there – they were acting like the exceptionally beautiful pair of women near the center of the dais did not exist.

She recognized what this was. She used to call it the politics of beauty. While not all females engaged in it and while it might not be overtly life-threatening, it was one of the most cutting of its kind, especially when enough women joined together to gang up on another.

Those on the receiving end of an attack might not die, but they can be wounded again and again. If their skin fails to thicken, they"ll end up destroyed. Some might not even have enough strength left in the end to slink away from the battle. Some might choose death anyway.

It was one of the despicable kinds of violence that women – and some female-hearted men – inflicted on each other.

Hilde"s jaw clenched, knowing she was as guilty of feeling envy for her cousin as much as the next person. If they were not related – if Gisela had not been a genuine friend to her their entire lives – would she be among the hidden but insidious ranks of these people?

She paused. This was once again her former ident.i.ty reacting to a perceived danger and surging closer to the surface. The danger did exist; Yong Fan Shu had forged through many such battles and won.

On the other hand, even now, Hilde was not the most feminine of females. She was woman enough to wish for beauty as well, but what she envied more in her cousin was her seemingly perfect life, with at least one doting and protective parent around and a carefully-screened household who would never dare to ignore her or treat her coldly, no matter who had cued or outright ordered them to do it.

This time, her heart clenched. She was thankful, after all, for whatever oddity she possessed that had blinded her to the truth about her family. Not only had her younger self been saved from constantly feeling rage and perceiving malice, something that would have irreversibly twisted her character, it had also made her someone who would not deliberately hurt Gisela for having what she did not. It would not have occurred to her old self to respond to superficial feelings of jealousy that way.

If Gisela had also known how to wield a sword, however…

Hilde silently snorted without much humor. If her lovely cousin proved to be better at it than she was, Hilde would have been human enough then to hate her to the bones as well. She would have thought: "Combat talent was supposed to be MY thing. Must Gisela take that from me too?"

She heaved a heavy sigh. In the end, Hilde decided that people are inherently wired to covet. What separates the truly "evolved" humans from the rest is their willingness to rise above animal instincts, to forge meaningful connections, to build and nourish a superior world instead of destroying – mindlessly or deliberately – those who are different, those who possess what they do not, and those whom they cannot control.

With these breakthrough thoughts, Hilde now had an answer to the question she posed to herself earlier.

Her first instinct had been to destroy, the instant she realized that the confusing and painful aspects of her life might have been orchestrated and not incidental. She wanted justice for the life stolen from her – she wanted revenge.

That was still the case. She might yet decide to say "stuff it" to p.r.i.c.k and his blasted objective, she might yet tear down everyone and anyone who might have contributed even the slightest bit to her misery. Even if that meant reducing the whole Queendom to ashes… yes. A considerable part of her might still do it.

But…

In the white-walled throne room, with the sunlight bursting bright through the multicolored gla.s.s of the majestic windows high above the dais, Hilde s.h.i.+fted her emotionless eyes towards Lord Alfwin, who now stood before his chair to speak to everyone present about the brilliant but brief life of his elder son. He relived how they"d first discovered his superior physicality which, being of military lineage, his father naturally molded into superior combat abilities.

"He took to everything like fish to water," said the Lord General, his amused yet gravelly voice echoing in the large, silent hall. "Everything except interest in other people – that came much later, and I think those of you here who"d ever engaged in exchanging rumors could guess what brought it about."

Amidst the t.i.ttering and throat clearings of those who cannot deny, in good conscience, that they were one of these people, gazes briefly but pointedly strayed to the princess of the first rank at the dais. That Princess" expression, already stony, frosted over.

"My son always said that the young woman in the rumors was the same as him," Lord Alfwin continued, smiling indulgently as he also spared Hilde a glance. "In his own words: "a genius – whatever that meant"."

This was news to all, including the subject herself. Another wave of murmurings rose, most people"s reactions were either one of doubt or of incredulity.

But among the crowd, there were also those who seemed to have straightened in their seats in sudden alertness. There were those who seemed to have leaned forward ever so slightly, perhaps to better hear what might be said next. Some of these individuals also flicked their gazes not at the "young woman in the rumors" but at the elder one on the throne.

Hilde couldn"t do the same, but it didn"t matter. The answering frostiness that burst from her sister battered at her other senses just fine.

As if he couldn"t feel the silent pressure the Queen was exerting for him to stop whatever he intended to do, the grieving father proved to all present that he was out of his mind.

"It was Lothar"s last wish that his precious student be made into the first female general in this exalted land. We have had many capable Queens…"

Those behind him could not see the hint of distaste that showed in his expression as he spoke the words, but from the way those who had still been whispering before slowly fell silent, their eyes widening in shock, it was easy to guess. It would appear everyone but the youths and the dense were on the same page now.

"I for one am fully behind having a capable Princess General to lead and win our battles – this is imperative now more than ever, because with the deaths of Prince Dieter and my heir, our Queendom"s army had just lost its future leaders.h.i.+p." The Lord General swept a hard look to the listeners before him. Hilde saw that even those who seemed lost on the nuances of what he was doing were transfixed. "We have been gutted, my fellow Arnicans – only a fool or a madman would not see this is so."

Despite the gendered word used, it was an easy guess just whom he was referring to. Those with weak restraint allowed themselves to gasp; most pretended to have heard nothing. A smile colored the other madman"s voice.

"But all is not lost. Our enemies think our country"s now at the hands of a handful of women, a broken man, and a child – hah!"

Even Hilde flinched slightly at the shout, but with great and sudden fear, she noted that the Queen remained as still as the carved rock she was sitting on.

"None of us had counted on the possibility, and so our enemies also did not, but Lothar – he whom we all hailed as a peerless master – my son had known it: we have Hilde of Arnica." The Lord General had calmed down considerably as he continued. Near the end, he sounded sane again, and in most, his words elicited curiosity and deliberation instead of unthinking dismissal. "Lords and Ladies, as one parent to another, I ask that you consider turning my child"s last wish into reality." The Lord smiled calmly and prepared to retake his seat. "I promise you, doing so will be no loss to us. Indeed… we all might find we"ll have plenty more to gain for it."

In the echoing silence that followed the end of Lord Alfwin"s "eulogy," the last part of which blessedly cryptic enough not to get him hanged then and there, Hilde, who"d just been turned into a p.a.w.n in another"s game board, couldn"t help but wonder: did he want to make her into a Warrior Queen or did he want her to join her brother and teacher? Just then, it was honestly too hard to tell.