"Adrenaline," she answered. "The thing that..." She trailed off. Realizing too late that she"d just used a word that was beyond "foreign" and was literally from another world, Hilde berated herself for her own mindless slip and improvised. "It"s what I named the medicine that our Physician made for me. Its effects include restored strength and, uh, heightened senses."Leal accepted the explanation with an appreciative nod. "How very useful."
"Isn"t it, just?" After a pause, she tried one more time to dissuade him from his course. "Prince, I"m quite serious. Please leave the sorting of this matter to me. This is still my responsibility. We all can"t afford for you to get harmed."
"It"s fine," he replied, echoing her answer earlier but now speaking in his own tongue. "I dare say you"d agree, my disguise is impervious to discovery."
Hilde pressed her lips together. "I shouldn"t laugh," she told herself insistently. "It will mostly be due to hysteria at this point. This is so not the time for that." She glanced at Leal and saw under torchlight that beneath his beautiful mask, he was still in control of himself. "And d.a.m.n it, he"s right. Not to mention... he"s not letting the judgments get to him."
It was hard to miss the whispered words of derision coming from a handful of men behind them. If she had to guess, these were the very same ones who"d been drawn in too deeply, too quickly by the illusion they"d seen earlier. Perhaps they took it as a personal affront that that was all it was -- perhaps they even felt like their very s.e.xuality had been threatened by the attraction they felt for a woman who turned out to be a man.
She recalled that in Lys, both men and women can be quite open about love between individuals of the same gender. While they were much less open about it in Arnica, they were not suppressive like the northern states were, or the Zahrans to the east. As in almost everything else, Arnica as a society generally tried for neutrality in this matter as well.
Not their army, it was turning out. What was it about the soldierly profession that brings about such strong negative reactions regarding perceived threats to masculinity? As she recalled, back in her previous world, it was the same even among civilians of both genders, but with the military and with other groups of "strong" men, it was always worse.
Earlier, she"d laughed at Leal because it was amusing how well the look had suited him and how unhappy he"d obviously felt about that fact. But again, dressing up like a woman was not something anyone could have suspected he"d do at all, and the act by itself was not something to be laughed at or derided.
As she knew very well because she was the same, some women enjoyed "traditionally" male pursuits while some men enjoyed female ones. And in this world as well as in the last one, some people dress and behave in opposition of what their physical gender dictates, often because what was on the outside doesn"t reflect what was within. Sometimes, people crossdressed simply because they wanted to. Whichever the case, objectively speaking, she did not find it to be a difficult concept to understand or accept.
It occurred to her that perhaps Leal understood this on an even deeper level due to his kingdom"s culture, and that was why he was not finding his disguise deserving of extreme shame like the men behind them seemed to be expecting. If their aim was to get a rise out of the prince, it didn"t appear like they would succeed.
Hilde released a slow breath that she hoped would also expel some of her own ingrained biases.
"Why can"t you just be the way you"re supposed to be?" she asked of the young man beside her. It sounded like she was grumbling, but there was no heat or conviction in her voice, just resignation.
She heard his amus.e.m.e.nt when he answered, "Which way is that, exactly?"
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The only response she could give was silence. She used to be certain she knew the answer. Now she wasn"t.
Without any doubt, however, she did know Leal was smirking as he followed that up with, "And why can"t you?"
They reached the foot of the hill once again, now largely deserted except for the line of sentries who had been left in place while the rest migrated with the citizens to Tailors" Street.
Following a silent, almost instinctual cue, Hilde and Leal"s combined parties picked up their pace even more, setting aside personal concerns and other grievances in preparation for the crisis ahead.
"It is just one Lysean who is surrounded?" Captain Judda asked of everyone at large. "Then where are the rest?"
"In hiding, perhaps," answered the Prince. "Taking advantage of the commotion to get back to the palace, I pray."
"There"s no word of other mobs clamoring for them," said the older officer, looking towards the soldier who"d reported the news earlier for confirmation. "Should we get more soldiers to find and rescue them as well?"
Instead of answering, Leal looked expectantly at Hilde.
She wasn"t prepared for it and at first didn"t understand what it was for. Then she suspected he was being mindful not to undermine her authority or inadvertently criticize her decision earlier to leave their safety in the female troop"s care.
"What..."
She wouldn"t care about any of that in this situation, not when it was people"s lives that were at stake.
"Yes, I think we should," she eventually replied, "but only if you think that wouldn"t interfere with what you and the female troop have set in place."
They had long since begun hearing the hate-filled sounds of mobbing even though it was still a couple of streets away. From what she could discern, outright violence was yet to break out. They still had time. As for how long... perhaps it would be her very arrival that would provide the fateful spark.
Should she not proceed at all? What did she think she could do here anyway?
"There is no need," Leal said.
His meaning didn"t immediately register to her. Without fully realizing it while it was happening, Hilde had regressed to an earlier state of extreme self-doubt, which then led to mind-numbing panic and helplessness.
The instant she became aware of it, she didn"t resist the flood of shame and anger that came at its heels. You do not endure what you do not allow yourself to feel. It didn"t matter whether it was her external or internal reality. If she deliberately blinded herself in order to see only the things she wanted to see and feel only what she wanted to feel, it would be of no use even if she kept moving forward. She would still miss the targets she was aiming at.
Restoring her inner equilibrium as much as her current strength would permit, she s.h.i.+fted her attention back to what Leal had been saying.
"That is, for the moment. There is a high chance this situation is still according to what our escorts and I had planned, only... I wish to make sure of it. I did not mean to inconvenience you all, but I will take your offer if it proves necessary. Princess..." He drew in a deep breath.