Teng Man Rui, feeling their closeness, was aware of where the reality was heading, although she said in her mind, "He earned it. Just this once. At least, I can give him as much as this. He"s a good guy and all… But…" She narrowed her eyes while they continued to dance the night away."Teng Man Rui..." Zhu Li Qiang whispered solemnly.
"Man rui..." He repeated softly.
"Mhmm?" said the lady.
"I love you."
Teng Man Rui"s body froze on the spot. Her back stiffened and all movements halted. She lifted her head to look at the man"s eyes.
There was evidence of fear, nervousness and uncertainty on his eyes. it was the face usually worn by diligent students who were waiting for the results of their examination. He was agitated, yet hopeful.
"You don"t have to answer right now, Man Rui. Just knowing that you"re actually trying to get to know me, and giving me a fair chance is enough for me... But of course..." He left it hanging, his eyes pleading in his stead.
"Let"s sit down." Teng Man Rui urged them both. Teng Man Rui smiled at him slightly, awkwardly. They both headed towards the dining table.
Like the gentleman that he was, Zhu Li Qiang pulled the chair for the lady. When they were all settled and comfortably seated, Teng Man Rui continued.
"I won"t answer." She said curtly while looking straight into his eyes. "But I"m trying my best to sort it out too. I"m trying…" She completed.
Then she added. "Can we have our dinner? I"m starving."
"Y-Yes, of course!" Zhu Li Qiang stuttered. He waved a signal at the waiter on call at the farther end of the ballroom.
A few more awkward silence pa.s.sed. The two engaged into a more relaxed conversation, as if the little slip had not occurred at all. At a parallel universe they could have ended up so well together. However, at the current reality, the possibility was slim. Well, they could still be together, if only the lady"s heart was still free or would be freed, finally.
Unfortunately, her tiny little heart was bound with shackles and chains and locked up in a dark cold compartment under the possession of a certain man, s.h.i.+ Fan Hai.
Society, as it permits, would even push the lady away from the wicked man simply because he was wicked, and that was enough justification for society to allow the lady to leave him, and to learn to love another man – to divert all her attention and deep devotion to another finer man more worthy based on a pre-determined criteria.
Whereas, say, that if the man who possesses the key to the lady"s heart was a gentleman, even if they ended things up between them, society would most certainly mock and criticize and treat with contempt and even with disgust that same lady who would choose to start afresh with another man.
Such was how things in a society work.
However, the human heart does not work the same way. The human heart only was taught to know and love one person loyally. Too bad, that, in the case of Teng Man Rui, she and her tiny little heart was too loyal to the devil, much to her own self-disgust and mockery.
If only the heart could learn how to love and un-love. If only it"s the brain who chooses who to love and care for and for who the heart would beat fast and go berserk.
But no.
The heart and the mind were wired differently. What was sensible with the mind may not necessarily be applicable to the heart, and vice versa.
And so, Teng Man Rui found herself in a dilemma.
She would very much wanted to entertain Zhu Li Qiang, but then… her heart was shouting another man"s name, regardless of who he is or what he had done.
Setting that issue aside, the lady seemed to have been considering other concerns too.
She was hesitating at first, and while eating, she was pondering whether to voice it out or not. In the end she decided to confront Zhu Li Qiang.
"Zhu Li Qiang." She called him, who was seated across her at the dining table. Their meal was almost in the middle. The waiter served the main dish of pan-seared salmon and some greens touched and sprinkled delicately with puree here and there. It was exquisite.
"Zhu Li Qiang."
"Do you know that sometimes I just felt intimidated by your treatment towards me? It felt too overbearing… It seems to me that… you somehow overglorify me… It"s frightening…" Teng Man Rui confessed.
"Huh?" Zhu Li Qiang wore a puzzled look. "What"s so frightening? Am I frightening?"
"No, no it"s not you. It"s your treatment towards me. The special treatement you"re bestowing upon me is somehow unjustified. It seems to me that I don"t deserve such treatment and that you"re mistaken."
"It makes me think that you"re not seeing me as me. You"re seeing me as someone that"s better than the real thing. That"s what"s frightening."
"I"m not a saint, Zhu Li Qiang. Nor an angel or a deity or a celestial being. I"m human and I err like everybody else. But you…"
"You put me up there. It"s putting so much pressure on my shoulders."
"It"s making me doubt you, your judgement and your perception in general."
"It"s as if there"s three version of myself: one that"s the real me, one that you make me, and the one that"s in the middle of the two, the one I subconsciously try to become just to at least live up to your expectations. But somehow I felt that it"s a lie."
"I"m sorry I did not intend to spout these things tonight. I must have been losing my head. I"m sorry, am I ruining our date? I"m really sorry." She said while intermittently looking at him but most of the time, keeping her head bowed down. "It"s just that, it"s really too overbearing already that I thought I should let it all out in the open once and for all. You deserve to know, too, how I"m taking it. You"re a friend first, after all."