Mixed Faces.
by Roy Norton.
CHAPTER I
If Nature is infallible, there should be some philosophic or eugenic professor arise and explain why she made such a grievous error in the personal appearance, vocal qualities, and general gestures of the learned judge, astute politician and hopeful statesman, Hon. J.
Woodworth-Granger and Mr. James Gollop, perigrinating drummer for a chocolate house. Either the Honorable Judge should have been a commercial traveler, or the commercial traveler a judge. Outwardly they could have pa.s.sed for specimen twins, given handicaps to all comers, and easily won the blue ribbon. Inwardly their characteristics were as different as those of any two animals could be, the Judge having the ponderous gravity of a camel, whilst Mr. James Gollop was as sedate as a monkey and twice as ebullient. The Judge suffered from a prodigious sense of responsibility and dignity, whilst his double was given to frivolities, a distressing sense of the ridiculous and was as irresponsible and happy as a flea hurdling from one boarding house to another in a dog pound.
The first intimation the Judge had that some other person dared to look like him was when, as he strode into the lobby of the Media City hotel in the best city in his state, a grinning porter rushed up, seized his suit case and said affably, "Righto, Old Sport! Got here just in time this trip and I"ll send your cases to number two sample room, and open "em up if you"ll gimme the burglar"s kit. The room you kicked for last month--remember."
The Hon. J. Woodworth-Granger, who from force of habit never said anything until he had formulated the complete sentence and then edited it, and having a mind that moved with the frantic speed and wild agility of a tractor engine pulling a carload of coal, glared ponderously at the porter who took it as a joke. Gollop sometimes a.s.sumed that prodigious seriousness when about to pa.s.s out specimens of his best humor.
"Spring it! Spring it! I"m ready to laugh," the porter encouraged him.
"Young man," said the Judge, "I am not accustomed to having those in your evident station of life address me with any such familiarity. You should be old enough to know that it is unseemly. You can not succeed, even in a menial occupation, unless you cultivate that respect which is due not only to your superiors, but to those who patronize the hotel, or any other undertaking in which you are employed."
He might have gone ahead and imposed a fine for contempt of court, or sentenced the unfortunate porter to ten years in the penitentiary, had not other arrivals come surging through the door, which reminded him that perhaps it were wiser to register ahead of all newcomers and thus endeavor to secure the choicest room for himself. The Judge had the trait which is shared alike by some human beings and many hogs, that he demanded the best though every other human--or hog--has to suffer. He liked to make sure that his own feet were firmly planted in the choice end of the trough; so he hurried to the desk, leaving the jovial porter still grinning, still expectant and quite hopeful that the tip would be of its usual generous proportions. Jim tipped liberally, because his firm was what is known as "easy on the tabs." Anybody can be liberal if someone else furnishes the platinum. That"s why trust magnates and drummers can"t be distinguished, because somebody else always pays the bills, although there has never yet been invented any painless dentistry for extraction of the purse. The room clerk in the hotel was new to her job, and so was the boy who conducted the Judge to his room; but, sad to relate, the chambermaid winked at the Judge and blew him a kiss. She was rather pretty too. Now to have a pretty chambermaid blow one a kiss when he arrives in a fine hotel is not objectionable to most travelers. It shows such a friendly spirit, and makes one feel at home, or else fancy that he is still in the running and not so old and ugly as he had begun to believe. Some men immediately adjust their ties and brush their hair and grin into the mirror; but the Judge wasn"t that sort at all. The proof that he was no gentleman lies in the fact that he scowled in outraged dignity at that pretty chambermaid who had most prettily blown him a kiss, and that she gasped, sniffed, simpered and said, "You ain"t forgot me, have you?"
"Forgotten you! d.a.m.n it! I never saw you before in my life!" said the Judge, annoyed and exasperated to the rare point where his temper overcame his language.
"G"wan Jimmy, you little josher! You"ll be round chuckin" me under the chin before the lights come on. Gee! There goes the bell again! I"ll bet my switch it"s that scraggy old hen in forty-four, wantin" me to run out and buy her some hair pins, or to hook her up so she"ll look like a prize winner at a wasp show. She makes me sick, she does! But I"ll--Yes Ma"am! Coming right away," she answered in a honeyed voice, as the lady guest was heard calling her name through a transom somewhere in the distance.
The Judge carefully shut and locked his door. He was a church member in good standing and an unmarried man, so had to lock the girl out or perhaps thought it best to lock himself in. One never knows! The porter appeared with his suit case in his hand and perturbation in his soul, the double burden sufficing to render him serious.
"The baggageman says your sample trunks ain"t come. He says he went to the baggage master and they had a look. He says you orter get busy on the wires because maybe they carried "em through on sixty-two and her next stop is at Chicago, and you can"t get your layout back before----"
"I have no trunks, I tell you," interrupted the Judge, with freezing dignity. "Put that suit case over there in the corner and get out. Who do you think I am, may I ask? A commercial traveler?"
He had intended this as a stern piece of sarcasm; but it had the effect of causing the porter to blink, stare, drop the suit case and then blurt out, "Good Lord! You"re Jimmy Gollop what travels for the Columbus Chocolate Company, ain"t you? You"re Jim Gollop what has stopped here for years, ain"t you? If you ain"t----" He jerked off his cap, scratched his red head and added--"If you ain"t---- For the Lord"s sake don"t say nothin"----"
"Jimmy Gollop! A commercial traveler! Me?" the Judge actually spluttered and then, recovering all his overpowering magisterial arrogance, responded loftily, "I am J. Woodworth-Granger, Judge of the Fourth District Court. You go down and tell the manager of this hotel to come here at once. I wish to see him. I demand an explanation for all this outrageous flippancy. If his guests are to be subjected to such coa.r.s.e impoliteness, discourtesy, annoyance and familiarity, he should be notified or ousted from his position. It is an imposition on the public which can not be condoned by any one with a sense of propriety, or any citizen with regard for public welfare. Go and get him!"
The manager, antic.i.p.ating some rare practical joke, or perhaps apprehensive of such, having experienced some of Mr. Jimmy Gollop"s freakish efforts in the past, appeared and greeted the Judge with, "Look here, old man, for my sake let go. Don"t pull anything this time. My board of directors is to have a meeting this afternoon and----" But the stern eye of the angry judge checked him.
The manager in his turn blinked, and gasped and then exclaimed, "Jordon says you told him you were the Judge of the Fourth District Court. You look to me like Jim Gollop. If you"re really Judge Woodworth-Granger, I beg your pardon and think you ought to get your face changed for your own protection. If you"re Jimmy Gollop--and I"m a Dutchman if you aren"t--have some sense and quit your kidding. This has gone far enough!
Look here, Jimmy, there"s a limit to even one of your jokes. I can"t stand for it to-day when my board of directors is coming. The last time you were here and put red fire on the roof and then turned in a fire alarm cost me twenty-five iron men and the hotel company a round dozen of Pommery. It"s going too strong, I tell you! I"m a joke hound myself but a starving Dutchman can get too much limburger if he"s locked up in a cheese factory."
Mutual explanations, and abject apologies on the part of the manager and the porter followed. Everybody apologized, except the pretty chambermaid, and the judge never saw her again. Also that was a detail he didn"t mention. He rather hoped she would come and apologize. In fact he thought hopefully of what he might say to her in his kindliest judicial manner, and occasionally took furtive glances into the hall to see if she was coming. He was disappointed, perhaps, because she didn"t come, for he was positive he could say things for the good of her soul, and--Oh, well!--he always subscribed for the Home Missionary Society.
Moreover she was a particularly pretty girl as chambermaids go, and there is never an orchard without its peach.
So, in due time, the Judge got away from that hotel unscathed; but to his extreme annoyance, now that he had openly plunged into politics and felt the necessity for becoming acquainted with the larger cities in the state despite the consequent discomforts of travel and sojourn, this man Gollop always intruded. That unfortunate similarity in appearance and gesture, voice and manner, was proven on a dozen occasions. That the habits of the Judge and the drummer were divergent made it all the more annoying. The Judge never had a.s.sociated with, nor understood, what some persons called "A bully good fellow." He thought it was a rank and preposterous a.s.sumption on the part of a mere drummer to look, and talk, and act like a real judge who nursed an ambition to be governor of the state. It preyed upon his mind and caused him occasionally to say things that he wouldn"t have said if he hadn"t lost his temper, become momentarily a real human being, and found an unexpected safety valve in speech. Men merely vary in the choice of words. One says "Oh, dear me!"
Another "Oh, Fudge!" another "Oh, Pshaw!" and so on down to the common, vulgar, h.o.r.n.y-handed sonof.a.gun who blurts out "d.a.m.n it all!" or worse and--the judge finally got to the limit. One writes this with glad, cheerful hopefulness for the entire human race because it"s a fine thing to be natural and human, after all.
In the meantime Mr. James Gollop was working his Eastern territory.
Working it both ways and up and down the middle; selling chocolates to people who thought they might do better with So-and-So, inducing some men to overorder, others to underorder, tipping porters, buying--sody pop (?)--now and then, spinning yarns, peddling the latest funny story, explaining to his house why his expense account should be pa.s.sed without those querulous protests, and generally comporting himself according to his own erratic and sometimes pyrotechnical ideas. And when Jimmy breezed westward again and heard that the Judge of the Fourth Judicial District was his double he chuckled, laughed, and finally beat his plump legs at what was told him.
"By Gosh!" he chuckled to a confrere, "if that judge looks and sounds so much like me, I"ll make a trip up to Princetown just to have a look at him and shake his paw, and congratulate him. We ought to make a right good team, although I can"t exactly recommend him for his judgment in the choice of faces. I never yet won a beauty prize, although once upon a time I did win a family photograph alb.u.m at a pie eating contest.
Huckleberry too! Spoiled a forty-dollar suit of clothes and a two-dollar tie to win a sixty-cent alb.u.m at a town fair. Got the alb.u.m to prove it.
Got it on the parlor table with the marble top down home in Maryland, and every time Maw looks at it she smiles and says "Jimmy may be not much good at anything he"s tried yet, but he can eat pie!""
Now the peculiar part of Jim Gollop"s makeup was that underneath all his banter, and his lightness, and his irresponsible sense of humor, there lurked something which made him keep his resolutions. He was a pretty good sort after all. Just a very human, contented, work-a-day man who liked other good fellows, was sorry for those who took life too seriously, never did any person a contemplated harm, knew neither malice nor envy, was always a booster and never a knocker, and whose sense of humor was generously given out for expansion rather than preserved to hara.s.s his own soul. So, one day, he made a sixty-mile journey out of his way to see, become acquainted with, and felicitate this judge whom he so startlingly resembled. For sixty miles he chuckled and bubbled with antic.i.p.ation and curiosity. He even thought of a forgotten joke or two to spring and resolved that what he spent in entertainment for this meeting should come from his own purse and never appear on the expense account. True, it cost him a pang to forego that expense account, but he didn"t see how he could ever explain to his firm that it had been necessary to travel sixty miles and entertain a judge of a state court in the hope of selling him a big order of chocolate drops. He was afraid the firm might be skeptical. Some people can"t be convinced.
And so, picturing a mutual hand shaking, some lively interchanges and facetious comments on what const.i.tuted good looks and bad looks, perhaps a luncheon or a dinner, and a new friend through the strange accident of nature, he climbed the stairs to Judge J. Woodworth-Granger"s office with a cheerful smile on his face, and after a gasp from the office boy and some stares of astonishment from a clerk or two, was ushered in. He had expected to enter the tropics. He found himself as "happy as a Mexican hairless dog in the Arctic regions" as Marshall would say. Cold?
There may be in the vast, dead planets of s.p.a.ce places much colder than the North pole; but these would have been warm and comfortable compared with the atmosphere of Judge Woodworth-Granger"s austere office when he turned his eyes on the person of Mr. James Gollop. Here before him, grinning and sticking out a plump, friendly hand, was the man to whose personal similarity he strongly objected, and of whose personal ways he disapproved.
"And so, sir," said the Judge icily, as he stood up and scrutinized the drummer, "you are the man who has caused me so much personal embarra.s.sment, indignity, familiarity, and--if I never loathed my own appearance before, I can do so now after looking at you!"
Jimmy"s grin froze on his face, became hard, and slowly changed to something very different. His well-meaning hand slowly came back as if half-paralyzed by such a reception. It had never before been rebuffed.
It was a liberal hand that had gone into its pocket many times to help those in hard luck. It had never been slow in friendliness or that courtesy which prevails between well-meaning and generous hands throughout the sad old world. It had seldom been hastily raised in anger. But now it shut hard and its owner said, "So that"s the way of it, eh? You"re sore because I look like you. Why shouldn"t I get hot under the collar because you look like me? About the only difference between us is that you"re a judge and I"m a drummer. That doesn"t keep you from being a good sport, does it? I came a long way to get acquainted with you and I like most people. It"s not my fault that you look so much like me, is it?"
"Look like you? It"s your fault that you look like me!" snapped the Judge as if that fault were an impertinence.
"Phew!" said Jimmy, puffing out his cheeks. "That"s the sort you are, eh? Guess I made a mistake."
"I guess you did," grimly said the Judge, mimicking Jimmy"s voice without in the least realizing it. And then he added, "Good day, Mr.
Gollop. I hope I may not see you again and that you travel in some other territory than this."
As if incredulous, Jimmy stared at him for a full quarter minute and then, recovering his good humor, clapped his hat on his head and a.s.suming a highly melodramatic air in imitation of the Judge"s ponderous methods said, "Harold, beware! Beware! I say! It"s a long worm that has no turning. Them papers shall be mine! I swear it on me lyfe." And with a boisterous shout of laughter turned out through the door and down the stairs. That ribald laughter still floated upward as he made his departure, and the Judge was annoyed. Very much annoyed. He felt himself soiled; quite as if the garbage van man had suddenly tried to kiss him with brotherly affection. It was outrageous! Impossible! And a mere drummer, too!
Jimmy retired to an hotel, pausing on the way to buy a pair of blue goggles, and to fit them on, and to pull his hat down over his eyes.
"I don"t intend to look like that old catamount in his own town anyhow,"
he said to himself. "If he"s as popular with his fellow citizens as he is with me it might not be safe. Wish I had a set of false whiskers to wear during my sojourn. Wonder when the next train leaves? I"m like the chap that got pinned down under a burning railway wreck and said he thought he really ought to get away from there. That"s me! I want to get away from here."
In the hotel room he dug his pocket time table from his grip, and no hungry reader ever plunged into the pages of the latest "Best Seller"
more avidly than did he thumb those flimsy pages. His capable fingers turned the leaves rapidly and, being expert and highly trained in working out the abstruse puzzles and problems with which time table people always try to fill their books so that people will get tired of seeking information and look at the advertis.e.m.e.nts, in less than five minutes he slammed the book shut and almost viciously hurled it back into his bag.
"By Heck!" he muttered, despairingly, "no train out till four o"clock to-morrow morning and--I"ll bet it smells of new laid milk and long laid cows. There"ll be an hour"s delay while they fill the baggage car with chickens in coops. Serves the chickens right for getting up that early.
Ought to go some place and have their heads chopped off. There"ll be one combination smoker car filled with yawning farm hands who wear fertilizer on their boots. But it"s me for that train!"
Then, recovering his cheerfulness, he sallied out to visit all the confectionary shops; but met with no success and attributed his failure to the hideous goggles and the fact that his customary happy and seductive grin was slightly stiff about the corners as if his face needed oiling. "Hang it all! n.o.body but an undertaker could look happy in this town," Jimmy thought after his final effort. "No wonder that old cuss is so solemn. I"d be too, if I lived in a morgue!"
To escape the town he decided to make a pedestrian trip to where the only big enterprise near Princetown was in full blast. It was spoken of as "out at the falls" as if they were the only ones on earth. It was two and a half miles from the town and the day was hot. "Thank Heaven it might be worse," thought Jimmy. "I might have to tote a hundred pound grip this far in the hope of getting an order, and now all I"ve got to lug is my goggles." He took them off, wiped the sweat from his face, stopped to watch some fish in a stream, regretted that he hadn"t brought some string and a fish hook, contemplated a swim, and then trudged onward, whistling as he went and wholly forgetful of his woes.
He came in sight of "The Falls," and stopped.
"Whew!" he puffed. "Of course they"re not as big as Niagara--except to the folks of Princetown; but by Heck! They"re some falls after all. And, what"s more, some live individual knows it. Bet he wasn"t born in Princetown anyhow. This looks like business."
He leaned on the railing of a bridge and speculatively regarded the considerable manufacturing plant that was in full industry, saw that its prosperity was evidenced by some big new buildings under course of construction, and deliberated over a long white sign on top that read "Sayers Automobiles."
He rather objected to that sign. If he had designed it it would have been twice as high, twice as long and might have read "Sayers Automobiles, best on earth for the money. Cheapest at any price. No home complete without one."
He remembered that he had ridden in one a few days before and that it was what he called "nifty and nippy." In fact he had thought he would like to have one--just a very small one to suit his purse, and had intended to ask what they cost. All his automobiling experience had been at the expense of his firm; but he had done quite a lot of riding. In fact the cashier had once asked him, sarcastically, whilst checking up his expense account, if he took an automobile to bed with him.
Jimmy got out his goggles, and visited the works. He was fascinated by the machinery, the noise, the way things were made. He wished that his line was automobiles instead of chocolates; but regretfully concluded that probably it took a long time to learn the patter, and how to run one, and that the only hopeless individual in the world was a candy drummer, because, "once a candy drummer always a candy drummer" was the proverb of the road.
A whistle blew and with a start he looked at his watch, scarcely believing it possible that he had pa.s.sed the afternoon so quickly. He walked out through the big gates and started his homeward journey, and was surprised to realize that he was as tired as if he had done a heavy day"s work. Absorbed in reflections concerning automobiles, and trade, he suddenly brought up with a jerk and heard behind him a man jamming on the brakes of a car, and using several shining expletives. Jimmy made the jump of his life and got out of the road just in time.