Mr. Pim Pa.s.ses By.
by Alan Alexander Milne.
ACT I
_The morning-room at Marden House (Buckinghamshire) decided more than a hundred years ago that it was all right, and has not bothered about itself since. Visitors to the house have called the result such different adjectives as "mellow," "old-fashioned," "charming"--even "baronial" and "antique;" but n.o.body ever said it was "exciting." Sometimes_ OLIVIA _wants it to be more exciting, and last week she rather let herself go over some new curtains; she still has the rings to put on. It is obvious that the curtains alone will overdo the excitement; they will have to be harmonized with a new carpet and cushions._ OLIVIA _has her eye on just the things, but one has to go carefully with_ GEORGE. _What was good enough, for his great-great-grandfather is good enough for him. However, we can trust_ OLIVIA _to see him through it, although it may take time._
_A scene plot is given at the end of the play._
_There are three ways of coming into the room: by the open windows leading from the garden, by the doors to R., or by the staircase from up_ R, MR. PIM _chooses the latter way--or rather_ ANNE _chooses it for him; and_ MR. PIM _kindly and inoffensively follows her. She comes down steps and crosses to_ C., _followed by_ MR. PIM.
ANNE (_moves up, looking off_ L. _and returning to_ PIM R.C.). I"ll tell Mr. Marden you"re here, sir. Mr. Pim, isn"t it?
PIM (_nervously_). Yes--er--Mr. Pim--Mr. Carraway Pim. He doesn"t know me, you understand, but if he could just spare me a few moments--er--- (_He fumbles in his pockets_.) I gave you that letter?
ANNE. Yes, sir, I"ll give it to him.
PIM (_brings out a stamped letter which is not the one he was looking for, but which reminds him of something else he has forgotten. Looking at letter_). Oh! Dear me!
ANNE. Yes, sir?
PIM. Dear me. I ought to have posted this. (_Looking at letter_.) Oh, well, I must send a telegram. You have a telegraph office in the village?
ANNE. Oh, yes, sir. (_Moving up to terrace up_ L. _and pointing off_ L.) If you turn to the left when you get outside the gates, it"s about a hundred yards down the hill. Turn to the left and down the hill.
PIM. Turn to the left and down the hill. Thank you, thank you. Very stupid of me to have forgotten.
(ANNE _exits up staircase R_.)
(MR. PIM _wanders about the room humming to himself, and looking at the pictures and photos on piano. Then goes out at window up_ L.) (DINAH _enters from staircase up_ R. _dancing, and humming the air of "Down on the Farm:" she is nineteen, very pretty, very happy, and full of boyish high spirits and conversation. She dances to foot of stairs, looks off_ R., _then down_ C., _then to piano; sits and plays a few bars and sings "Down on the Farm," rises and moves up to_ R. _of piano, and as she does so_ PIM _re-enters from window up_ L. _and they come suddenly face to face up back_ C. _below the writing-table. There is a slight pause_.)
DINAH (_backing a step_). Hullo!
PIM. You must forgive me, but... Good morning, Mrs. Marden.
DINAH. Oh, I say, _I_"m not Mrs. Marden. I"m Dinah.
PIM (_with a smile_). Then I will say, Good morning. Miss Diana.
DINAH (_reproachfully_). Now, look here, if you and I are going to be friends, you mustn"t do that. Dinah, _not_ Diana. Do remember it, there"s a good man, because I get so tired of correcting people. (_Moving down_ C. _to_ B.) Have you come to stay with us? (_Sits on settee_ R.)
PIM (_following her down_). Well, no, Miss--er--Dinah.
DINAH (_nodding_). That"s right. I can see I shan"t have to speak to _you_ again. Now tell me your name, and I bet you I get it right first time. And do sit down.
PIM (_crossing to_ L. _and sitting on settee_ L.). Thank you. My name is-- er--Pim, Carraway Pim--
DINAH. Pim, that"s easy.
PIM. And I have a letter of introduction to your father--
DINAH (_rising and crossing to_ R. _of table_ L.C. _and speaking across same_). Oh, no; now you"re going wrong again, Mr. Pim. George isn"t my father; he"s my uncle. Uncle George--he doesn"t like me calling him George. Olivia doesn"t mind--I mean she doesn"t mind being called Olivia, but George is rather touchy. (_Sitting on table, facing_ PIM.) You see, he"s been my guardian since I was about two, and then about five years ago he married a widow called Mrs. Telworthy.
PIM (_repeating_). Mrs. Telworthy.
DINAH. That"s Olivia--so she became my Aunt Olivia, only she lets me drop the Aunt. (_Speaking very sharply_.) Get that?
PIM (_a little alarmed_). I--I think so, Miss Marden.
DINAH (_admiringly_). I say, you _are_ quick, Mr. Pim. Well, if you take my advice, when you"ve finished your business with George, you will hang about a bit and see if you can"t see Olivia. (_Rising and moving_ C.) She"s simply--(_feeling for the word_)--devastating. I don"t wonder George fell in love with her.
(_Moving to above piano_ R., _looking at photos, etc._)
PIM (_rising and looking at his watch and coming_ C.). It"s only the merest matter of business--just a few words with your uncle--Perhaps I"d better...
DINAH (_looking at photo on top end of piano_). Well, you must please yourself, Mr. Pim. I"m just giving you a friendly word of advice.
Naturally, I was awfully glad to get such a magnificent aunt. (_Moving down to_ L. _of piano and taking up and looking at photo of_ OLIVIA.) Because, after all, marriage _is_ rather a toss up, isn"t it?--
PIM (_taken aback_). Well, I don"t, know, I haven"t had any experience...
DINAH (_continuing_). And George might have gone off with anybody.
(_Moving to_ PIM.) It"s different on the stage, where guardians always marry their wards, but George couldn"t marry _me_ because I"m his niece.
Mind you, I don"t say that I should have had him, because, between ourselves, he"s a little bit old-fashioned.
PIM. So he married--er--Mrs. Marden instead.
DINAH. Mrs. Telworthy--don"t say you"ve forgotten already, just when you were getting so good at names. Mrs. Telworthy. (_Moves to and sits on settee_ R.) You see, Olivia married the Telworthy man and went to Australia with him, and he drank himself to death in the bush, or wherever you drink yourself to death out there, and Olivia came home to England, and met my uncle, and he fell in love with her and proposed to her--(_rises and kneels on settee_)--and he came into my room that night-- I was about fourteen--and turned on the light and said, "Dinah, how would you like to have a beautiful aunt of your very own?" (PIM _laughs_.) And I said: "Congratulations, George." (PIM _laughs again_.) That was the first time I called him George. Of course, I"d seen it coming for weeks. Telworthy, isn"t it a funny name?
PIM. Oh, a most curious name--Telworthy. From Australia, you say?
DINAH. Yes, I always say that he"s probably still alive, and will turn up here one morning and annoy George.
PIM (_shocked_). Oh!
DINAH. But I"m afraid there"s not much chance.
PIM (_shocked_). Miss Marden! Really!
DINAH, Well, of course, I don"t really _want_ it to happen, but it _would_ be rather exciting. (_Crossing to_ PIM.) Wouldn"t it, Mr Pim?
PIM. Exciting!
(PIM _crosses to below settee_ L.)
DINAH. However, things like that never seem to occur down here, somehow, (_Running up into window up_ R. PIM _watches her_.) There was a hayrick burnt last year about a mile away, but that isn"t the same, is it?
PIM. No, I should say that that was certainly different.