Mr. Punch"s Life in London.
by Various.
ROUND THE TOWN
In the sixty-six years of his existence MR. PUNCH has at one time or another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the "buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on "Change; he has gone shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in Parliament, made merry in the servants" hall, loitered along the pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.
Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with MR.
PUNCH"S representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the c.o.c.kney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his pictured and written quips and jests about London"s businesses and business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.
[Ill.u.s.tration: SUBJECT FOR A DECORATIVE PANEL.--Road "up." Time--in the height of the season. Place--everywhere.]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
MR. PUNCH"S LIFE IN LONDON
THE CITY "ARTICLE."--Money.
FROM THE STREETS.--A street conjuror complained the other day that he couldn"t throw the knives and b.a.l.l.s about, because he did not feel in the vein.
"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.
"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.
[_The bystander retired._
A LIGHT EMPLOYMENT.--Cleaning windows.
"_The Model Ready Reckoner._"--The man with his last shilling.
MONEY-MARKET AND CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Operators for the rise--aeronauts; likewise anglers.
JUST OFF--THE BOURSE.--_Stockbroker_ (_to Client who has been pretty well loaded with certain scrip_). Well, it just comes to this. Are you prepared to go the whole hog or none?
_Client_ (_timidly_). I think I"d rather go the none.
WHAT COLOUR SHOULD PARASITES DRESS IN?--Fawn.
HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS
_How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter._--Take a pint of stout, and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.
_How to make Hats last._--Make everything else first.
_How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling._--Drink it.
_How to Avoid being Considered above your Business._--Never live over your shop.
_How to make your Servants rise._--Send them up to sleep in the attics.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Bus Driver_ (_to charioteer of broken-down motor-car_).
"I"ve been tellin" yer all the week to taike it "ome, an" now yer wants to, yer cawn"t!"]
THE STREETS OF LONDON
The stately streets of London Are always "up" in Spring, To ordinary minds an ex- traordinary thing.
Then cabs across strange ridges bound, Or sink in holes, abused With words resembling not, in sound, Those Mrs. Hemans used.
The miry streets of London, Dotted with lamps by night; What pitfalls where the dazzled eye Sees doubly ruddy light!
For in the season, just in May, When many meetings meet, The jocund vestry starts away, And closes all the street.
The shut-up streets of London!
How willingly one jumps From where one"s cab must stop through pools Of mud, in dancing pumps!
When thus one skips on miry ways One"s pride is much decreased, Like Mrs. Gilpin"s, for one"s "chaise"
Is "three doors off" at least.
The free, fair streets of London Long, long, in vestry hall, May heads of native thickness rise, When April showers fall; And green for ever be the men Who spend the rates in May, By stopping all the traffic then In such a jocose way!
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Straphanger_ (_in first-cla.s.s compartment, to first-cla.s.s pa.s.senger_). "I say, guv"nor, "ang on to this "ere strap a minute, will yer, while I get a light?"]
THE GAS-FITTER"S PARADISE.--Berners Street.