The dream that the Soleil of thislife sees is – 1
It’s a dull iron color, she said as shecasted down her eyes. Like an old woman’shairs.
Heopened his mouth to say it wasn’t true, but the words wouldn’t come out.Contrary to his own intention, he sneered and said, “Indeed.” Hearing this, shekept her gaze down and only her lips showed a little smile. Of course, itwasn’t a smile of delight. But it neither felt like she was sad. Right, if itmust be compared, it was a smile of resignation. It was the expression of aperson who has already given up on everything and anything. I knew I shouldcorrect her, but as before, tasteful words wouldn’t come out.
…… Why is it like this? This, this is, not like me. To hurt her. To make hershow this expression. This, is certainly not me.
The faded green color of my eyes looks likethe tinge of a leaf just before it withered, my parents too don’t seem to likeit. She laughed one more time. She took a little breath and asked me, you don’t like it either, right? For anormal listener, her mutter might sound like a mere idle complaint. Likesomething that could be easily ignored. However, I immediately understood shewasn’t expecting me to deny her. It wasn’t like she wanted me to do so. She waspretending to ask me, but in reality, there was no need for an answer. Herbehavior betrayed her thought that it was natural to reply with an affirmative.When I tried to ask why she needed to always depreciate herself so much,ultimately only a sigh left my mouth. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of theeffect it would have, but I couldn’t swallow that sigh. I certainly thought itwas bad, but I couldn’t take it back. She, who seemed to had been carefullywaiting for my reaction, without showing the slightest sign of surprise, shestrongly closed her eyes once, then soon she straightforwardly stared into myeyes without turning away.
Hereyes which seemed to radiate light were enough to overturn her a.s.sessment ofherself.
Thatit’s a faded green color, I never once thought such a thing. Certainly, it’s alight hue, but I noticed that when you changed the angle, you’ll see they wereslighted blended with a trace of amber. I thought it couldn’t be compare toanything else in the world, they were the only eyes with such a color. When Icatch a sight of her eyes, for some reason it makes me feel happy. Completelyand thoroughly happy. I’ve always thought it was a mysterious color. But, Inever conveyed this feeling into words, and while I thought now would be aperfect time to say it, my lips only grasped for air and my voice refused tocome out.
Something,an unconceivable force that I can’t begin to understand, is at work. I must sayit. I must quickly say those words. If I don’t do this, I’ll lose her heart.Even though I knew this, my tongue refused to move as if it has been sewed.
“Ah, it’s already this late. I havea lesson on courtesy now. Soleil-sama, please take your time. You see, thischild will come too.”
WhenI followed her gaze, I saw a young girl whose silver hairs were fluttering inthe wind as she was walking toward us with a smile on her lips. The tea party thatwas hold in the garden of the earl’s estate only had two seats facing eachother. Can it be that, from the start, Iria hadn’t planned to stay? Indeed, shewas trying to leave as soon as she finished the greetings, exchanging as fewerwords as possible.
…… Why? That tea party, didn’t you prepare it for the sake of your fiancé, for my sake?
AsI tried to say that, I noticed that the young girl she had called “this child”had arrived right beside me. The girl’s sight wasn’t fixed on her older sisterbut rather on me, her sister"s fiancé. Receiving her gaze didn’t make my heart flutter.… Although it certainly didn’t, for an unknown reason a smile rose to my mouth.I’m not happy. It’s not funny either. However, I can’t help but feel happy. Ican’t help but feel amused. It was as if I was drunk.
“…It has been a while. How are youfeeling?”
Mylips that felt they were absolutely not my own moved to express words of concernfor her. Meanwhile the distance between me and Iria was increasing and yet, Icouldn’t chase after her. As if they were fixed on the ground, I couldn’t even move atoe.
“Today I’m feeling particularlywell. I don’t have a fever either.”
Asthe girl lowered her gaze in bashfulness with her cheeks died red, her longeyelashes cast a shadow over her rare purple eyes. Ah, what a waste. Whilewondering while I’m thinking such a thing, I lowered my body to peer into thoseeyes. When I saw my foolish face reflected in these clear eyes that twinkled mysteriously, my body felt drawn inside them as if a string within me had been plucked.
…… No, it’s not right. It’s not those eyes. I don’t want to be reflected in thoseeyes.
“… Big brother…?”
“… Didn’t I say it? It’s too earlyto call me like this. So, you know…”
Call my name. I heard a sweet whisperingvoice resounded from somewhere far away and my head ached.
This,what is it? I, what the h.e.l.l am I saying?
Ifeel sick. It’s nauseating.
“… Soleil-sama?”
Afleeting and pa.s.sionate gaze was raised toward me. I felt that I had seen thatkind of gaze somewhere sometime, but, I simply stood stock sill in blank amazement,not understanding the reason why it was directed at me. No, that what I thoughtbut the next moment, with a slight hesitation I gently touched the girl’s thin shoulder.
“I don’t want your condition todegrade again. It’s better to sit down quickly.”
Frommy mouth overflowed a whispering voice that didn’t sound like mine. “Thank you”,she said and while I look at her sat down on the seat that I pulled without anyhesitation, I stupidly thought that seat was originally for Iria. Even though Icouldn’t even chase after her, what am I thinking? Meanwhile, the young girlwho is Iria’s little sister was talking to me while laughing reallydelightfully.
…… Silvia. Ah, that’s right. She is, my… my, my… ?
“… Soleil-sama, thank you for whatyou’re doing every time.”
Herthin hairs that looked like they would melt in the atmosphere if you touch themwere dancing in the air. The beauty of those hairs was praised by everyone. It’s because the maids carefully groom it,she said while smiling like it’s a trivial thing. I’m also proud of it, I added.
“Can I ask for what exactly you’rethanking me?”
“… For being kind to me… Truly, I’mreally thankful. Because Soleil-sama, if you hadn’t come, I wouldn’t be allowedto drink tea like this in the garden. Both my parents and my big sister areoverprotective. They think I will become sick just from being exposed to the wind…”
“… Unfortunately, it’s not only yourparents and sister who think like this.”
“Soleil-sama too?”
“Hum, that’s right.”
“Then, why…?”
“But I think a change of pace isnecessary. It’s better for you to go out more often. Seeing the color of thesky, feeling the earth, smelling the air, exchanging words and opinion withsomeone else, it’s a lot better doing it than simply imaging it. This will atleast become a reason for living.”
Silviawho listened to my speech with a sincere look repeated in a mutter the words “areason for living”. And after a little while, she raised her gaze to look at myface with her wavering eyes.
“… could you become it? A reason tolive.”
“Hum?”
“Rather than ‘someone else’, can’tit be you?”
Theyoung girl said this with a dreamy expression. As if to adorn the backgroundscenery, the large roses raised by their mother were in full bloom. With hertransparent white skin slightly died red, the girl waited for my answer. Onceagain, words that have nothing to do with my own will are a.s.sembledarbitrarily.
“… Of course, Silvia.”
Because I will become your big brother.Although just some time ago I repudiated her and told her it was too soon tocall me “big brother”, my own voice that said it shamelessly sounded slightlyexalted. I thought it would be good to become her brother as soon as possible. Ieven thought that there would be no greater blessing than becoming Silvia’sreason for living. When Silvia smiled at me with a joy that came from thebottom of her heart, my own lips also loosened up. While wondering what kind offarce this was, I thought it would be great if this gentle moment could lastforever. No matter how much I struggled, I could only become her “big brother.”But if I can be beside that girl, beside Silvia, then that would be plentyenough.
…… No. It’s wrong. Why? There is no way Iwould think such a stupid thing. Because, I. I, I’m Iria’s fiancé.
*
*
“Hey, Soleil. Your fiancé, recentlyshe hasn’t be well you know.”
Afriend talked to me during our fencing training. Because my family standingwas too high, people tended to keep their distance from me but he was a someonewho was friendly with me despite this. I knew him since we were children and Iwas aware of his character.
“… By not being well, you mean?”
“It’s rumored she keeps in checkevery single woman who approach you.”
“… What?”
“Oh, so you didn’t know? It has become quite the rumor in the academy. Because your fiancé’s jealousy is scary, it’s betternot to get close to you.”
Myfriend shrugged his shoulders and smiled wryly. A woman jealousy is dreadful, he said. While hearing his storywithout really listening to it, I was deep in my thoughts, feeling thatsomething was out of place. It’s unbelievable that such a rumor existed, itdidn’t sound like what my fiancé would do. There was no element to deny therumor. Because it wasn’t like I knew everything Iria was doing to the extent of beingaware of every single of her move. However, the Iria that I knew wouldobediently face forward without sparing any effort, on the other hand sheshouldn’t have been a person who would get fixated on something.
“Your expression says you can’tbelieve it.”
Myfriend grinned with a nasty smile. As his eyes lightened up with a shrewd glare,he added, “But I’ve also seen that scene you know. It was really unsightly.”His remark showed his contempt for Iria. At the second I flared up, ready tolose my cool, my mouth distorted in a queer shape like it was agreeing withhim. It was probably a kind of sneering rictus.
…… Why was I making that expression? It’s my own emotions but I couldn’t controlthem. Even though I should be arguing she is not the kind of person who woulddo that, even though I should believe in her no matter who else doubt her, Icouldn’t do it.
“Come to think of it, your fiancéseems to have a little sister, right? There is a talk about how the hiddenprincess of the earl’s house finally appeared in the high society.”
AsI was grinding my teeth out of frustration because my body was acting contraryto my thoughts, the conversation changed topic in the meantime.
“Is she really as lovely as a fairy?It’s regrettable that she has poor health, but even my parents praised her andsaid she was well-behaved and had a good personality. I also wanted to meet her,but when it was time for her social debut, they hide her saying her health wentdown.”
Eventhough he had never seen Silvia in person, my friend kept talking about her asif he was lost in a dream. With suchbeautiful silver hairs and purple eyes, maybe she’s not a fairy but a G.o.ddess! Ilistened to him exclaimed this in a loud voice. Although I nodded with acollected expression, involuntary I raised my eyebrows in a frown.
“Hey, what are you talking about?”
Attractedby his voice, the gazes of the people around us gathered in our direction. Theywere our fellow knight students. Maybe because he was in a good mood, my friendtalked with them about Silvia. He didn’t conceal the fact that the beautifulgirl who suddenly appeared in the high society was Iria’s little sister. I alsoheard him narrate in an exaggerated tone that while Iria and Silvia were sisters,their outward appearances were completely different. Regarding Iria, hisdescription gave the same impression as what he saw previously. As for Silvia, he talkedabout the impression his parents had of the girl they saw at a socialgathering. Both contained a few exaggerations and dreamy statements, and theybecame different descriptions of the actual girls. Eventhough I should speak up and correct it, the inquisitive gazes turned in ourdirection seemed unlikely to repress their curiosity, like they were telling meit was useless to deny it. Moreover, I didn’t know what I should deny and howto do it. The other students who didn’t realize my mental dilemma came closerto listen to the rumored girl who was the topic of the high society.Eventually, I helplessly lowered my eyes to avoid their gazes.
Whatmy friend was saying was incorrect but it wasn’t wrong. Silvia was certainly beautiful.Her glittering hairs particularly attracted people’s eyes, not to mention that herfrail body aroused in others the desire to protect her. Her eyes which werelike jewels, were of a mysterious purple color rarely seen in this country. It wouldbe easy to put this description into words. I could have also told my friend about it.However, as I was Iria’s fiancé, this wouldn’t be allowed. If I were to do it,it would appear as if I had fallen in love with my fiancé’s little sister. Thiswouldn’t be good.
Besides,if I told them I had been in contact with Silvia before, instantaneously shewill change from a product of one’s imagination to a person of flesh and blood.I think it would be very dangerous. Maybe ill-intentioned fellows would try toapproach that innocent girl.
That’sright. Because one day I will become her big brother, I must protect Silvia.
Justa few days ago, I heard someone say, “Soleil-samais very kind. Silvia-sama was talking about it. That the one who prepared herdress for the evening party was him. It must have been quite difficult toprepare dresses for even the little sister of his fiancé. Both Silvia-sama andher parents were delighted by his thoughtfulness.” It’s not that I didn’tunderstand the meaning of their suppressed chuckle. I know their words includeda sense of criticism for having overdone it. However, I thought it was alrightlike this. If that made Silvia happy. If that make the young girl who begged meto become her reason for living smile. Then, that would be truly fine.
…… No, wrong. What am I saying? Such a thing is impossible. There is no way Iwould think that. I can only think I’ve become crazy, something is wrong withmyself. I, what the heck happened to me?
“Hey, hey everyone, won’t you stophere? Look, you’re bothering Soleil.”
AlthoughI clearly refused to talk about it, still, my cla.s.smates were trying to gathermore information about Silvia until one of my friends raised his voice to stopthem. Even though he had also been inside that ring of listeners since a whilebefore, he made a call at this moment out of self-interest.
“Even Soleil is determinedto hide this cute, cute little sister of his.”
Thosewords felt to the bottom of my chest. Ah, that’s right. I don’t want to letanyone see her.
…… Iria who I met after not having seen her for a while lowered her gaze andsmile.
“… Thank you for always being so kindto Silvia.”
Thatdistorted smile looked as if it would change into a crying expression at anytime.
Severaltimes a month, if there were no urging matters, it was agreed by both ourhouses to visit one of the mansions in order to deepen our friends.h.i.+p. It wasonly for a few hours, we only met for a few monotonous hours, but it wasn’t tedious.Contrary to the other women who only enjoyed swallow conversations devoid ofdeep contents, exchanging words with this clever girl was a pleasant andfruitful moment. That’s why, this time too, I was waiting in expectation for thesehours.
“That you prepared a dress forSilvia… I, didn’t know about it…”
However,at the moment our gaze met, she lowered her face immediately. It was the samereaction than at the first time we met, the same reaction than when she triedto hide she was shaken by a feeling of insecurity. While I noticed it, insteadof worrying about her I shook my head and answer, It’s alright. Because one day we’ll become family. When I saidthat, Iria raised her face to look fixedly at me, then she smiled again.
“For having Soleil-sama as myfiancé, I’m really blessed” Despite her saying this with a laugher, herexpression didn’t show the slightest trace of happiness.
Lookingat her face, “what are you dissatisfied with?” such unreasonable words almost slippedoff my mouth and were stopped just in time. I couldn’t even understand properly whatI was trying to say just now. When Iria suddenly raised her head, I gazed at herbig eyes which became even bigger and I remembered that I had criticized them fortheir faded green hue. “… There is, nothing, I’m dissatisfied with” Her voicetrembled unnaturally. I noticed thatthe words which should have been stopped had gone out of my mouth and I took adeep breath, but it was already too late. “Really, nothing.” As I remainedsilent, Iria thought my mood had been dampened and repeatedly correct it again.Looking like she was repenting, her fingers crossed before her chest became completelywhite. With how much strength must she clench her hands for them to end in this color? I noticed that her nails were digging into her flesh and reflexivelytried to grip those hands but both my arms refused to move an inch, as if I wasparalyzed. Even though I regretted my verbal slip, words to correct it didn’t cometo my mind. “If I have cause a misunderstanding, please accept my apologies.”
Asshe was lowering her head I didn’t know what kind of expression she was making.But I couldn’t even urge her to raise her head.
Iriais not wrong. She has done nothing wrong. Even though I knew I was doingsomething terribly cruel to her, I couldn’t act like I wanted.
This,what the h.e.l.l am I seeing? I, I, who am…?
No,you, who the h.e.l.l are you?