My new life, won't you please become peaceful!

He was born with love, a person perfected by ‘humans’.

“We are Gawain.”

Father would say this often. At first I couldn’t understand it but once I’ve grown up, I came to terms with it little by little. No matter what our name may be, as long as it ends with ‘Gawain’, we are ‘Gawain’, not Nigel or anyone else…

We are Gawain, not an individual. 

“The utmost important quality for a leader is being able to utilise people.”

Father would say this often, again and again, even while he’s asleep.

“For some people, being too lenient or strict won’t do, the important thing for you is to know how to handle them, know what their strength or weaknesses are and utilise them to your advantage…”, father’s mouth curved into a smile, “…son, you might not understand this now but when you are able to comprehend it, apart from being able to use people to your advantage, you will also be able to kill someone…”.

I’m scared…but because the person in front of me is my father, I had to conceal it with indifference. Father does not like to see me showing emotions, he sees it as a weakness and I must do what he says.

“Son, do you know why Gawains are always the leaders of the knights of the round table…why not the talented Lancelots? Bediveres who are loyal? Or someone who’s most similar to King Arthur?”, I shook my head, father closed his eyes, “That is because King Arthur sees our potential, our potential to adapt to any situation without a trace of fear. We do not have arrogance like Lancelots but we are not as honest as Bediveres either or rough like Kays but we are not such weak beings that we will allow anyone to oppress us”, father smiled, “We can apologise but we will not bow down to anyone, we can be lenient but doing so without harming our honour, do you understand? Only those who are intelligent are able to wear a mask accordingly to each situation.”

I kind of understand him but not really at the same time.

“Nigel, you have great attributes…you have features which are more beautiful than anyone, you have power, talent…”, father reached his hands out to touch my face, his fingers stopped just above my eyelids, “I have only one thing to do now, I’ll teach and guide you down the right path, I am sure you have the potential to become the best in our household, even better than myself”.

“Yes”, I smiled in response, I was moved by father’s speech, no matter who you are, you would want to become someone significant, “I will try my best!!”.

Father smiled faintly and closed his eyes…that was all.

Before I knew it…

I had forgotten…what kind of person was ‘Nigel’.

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I have never seen my mother, not because she’s pa.s.sed away or had gone somewhere else, she was simply ill. Father told me I was not ready to meet my mother just yet and meeting her may distract me so, I could only close my eyes and forget about this matter, something like a bond between a mother and a child, I’ll never get to know this.

But when I met Haref’s mother, d.u.c.h.ess Lancelot, I became increasingly curious about my mother. When I asked my father about my mother, he had a troubled face, only for a second, “Son, if that is your desire, well…sooner or later you will have to meet her eventually. Come, Nigel…”.

I followed my father to the back of the mansion, this area was normally prohibited because d.u.c.h.ess Gawain was ill and apparently she likes to live in peace. The deeper we ventured into the area, the stronger the scent of roses became along with increasing colours. Normally, the Gawain mansion is plain, the most common colour in our mansion is white and other light colours but this place, it seemed as if all the colours of the world are a.s.sembled here…like a weird dimension, isolated from our mansion.

“Your mother is like a princess…”, father murmured, “She’s beautiful, kind and vibrant, just like Spring, a season where flowers bloom, a season which everyone loves. She’s…”.

Father’s foot steps stopped when he saw the figure before his eyes.

A young lady in a baby pink dress, she has pitch black hair and snow-white skin, eyes which sparkled, but all of this could not compare to her facial features which are breathtaking.

She is my ‘mother’.

But I wasn’t sure because she did not look ill in anyway, unlike what my father had said, “…Mother?”.

She turned towards me, smiling, a bright and gorgeous smile…

Followed by a loud scream.

A terrified scream…as if she wasn’t meeting her husband and her son but demons from the depths of h.e.l.l.

“Elisa…”

“Get out!! Get out!!! Get out!!!!!”, she wailed and hugged herself, “I did it! I gave it to you! We are over! Then why…why did you return…”. She was trembling, her face filled with sweat, her body collapsed onto the floor, not caring whether her sweet baby pink dress would become tainted or not. “Why…why did you have to show up again. It! I gave it to you…you promised…Gawain promised…”.

I was speechless and father was silent for a moment before saying in a flat voice, “Elisa…this is Nigel…”.

“Yes!! Yes!! I remember…isn’t this it?”, she looked at me, her argent eyes filled with fear, “I-I-I gave you the most beautiful child!…Just like what Gawain wanted, then wh-why did you come here again…”.

…What…does this mean?

“Our son wanted to see…”

“Don’t come! Don’t take it to me!!!”, mother trembled, her eyes were moving around restlessly, “I don’t want anything…o-or do you want another child, th-then should we make a contract? Do-don’t see me for 10 years…o-or I’ll give you two more and please let me go…”.

My heart started to beat rapidly…fear was running through my body but father who was standing beside me was weirdly calm, which was why I was not allowed to panic…I cannot show any panic or any other emotions. We only listened to ‘mother’s’ screams for a moment, my father closed his eyes and walked away, I followed suit while glancing backwards from time to time. The further we were from mother, the calmer she became…her grace returned, she picked up roses and seemed happy like nothing happened.

She laughed.

Just like a ‘princess’, trapped in a dream, not allowing anyone in other than her ‘prince’.

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“Elisa is the most beautiful person in the entire kingdom…”

A few day had pa.s.sed before father decided to speak of this matter.

“She is beautiful, cute and lively, she’s someone who everyone falls in love with…even the current King but she turned them all down, except for one, the only person she loves…Faris Lancelot”.

Haref’s father…

“But you probably know Faris did not love her or else she would’ve been d.u.c.h.ess Lancelot and not d.u.c.h.ess Gawain”, father smiled an empty smile, “the thing which offended someone as beautiful as her was the fact that Faris loved someone who looked plain. She could not accept this and tried to harm his lover but yeah…you should know what Lancelots are like”.

I nodded…the fact that mother’s still alive, my father probably has a hand in this.

“…But I helped her, I made an agreement with her family, I made her a Gawain…”, father’s voice was still, “because she was beautiful…and Gawain wanted a beautiful child”.

It was as if everything, every action was taken with ‘Gawain’ in mind.

Something in my started to shake but I could only put on an indifferent face in front of father, I only nodded, acting as if this was just a bedtime story. At first I thought this conversation was going to end here but father continued.

“However, she could not accept it because I was not her ‘Prince’, Elisa proposed a new agreement, if she could give birth to a child more beautiful than Lancelot’s…I must not concern myself with her anymore, I must leave her alone, let her remain in isolation in that garden littered with flowers…leave her with her rotten dreams of waiting…for Faris who will never come.”

I was surprised, his voice carried various emotions with it, normally, father’s voice would be flat and unemotional which was why I was not able to resist blurting out a sentence.

“Father, do you love mother?”

When I said it out loud, I wanted to slap my mouth, being unable to control myself made me slightly alarmed, but father was still, he did not react, I sighed in relief.

“Well…”, father’s eyes were focused towards the windows, “…I don’t know, she’s not as beautiful as she used to be anymore and Gawain does not need another beautiful child…ah, I don’t know…”.

His voice trailed off weakly. As usual, his answer relates to Gawain in one way or the other. At that moment, I didn’t ask one question, the father who’s before me, are you still ‘Corey Gawain’ or is ‘Gawain’ the only name that remains.

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No matter what era it may be, Gawain will always want a beautiful child. It might be because things are ‘easier’ if you have a beautiful face or just petty pride which won’t allow them to be inferior to Lancelots. Because no matter when, Lancelot will always be the best.

In my generation, Haref Lancelot wields the power of light, he’s outstandingly talented and intelligent, and his beautiful face…as if he’s G.o.d’s beloved child, pooling the whole world’s blessings into him. ‘Controlling’ someone who’s born with this many talents isn’t easy. You can’t be weak but you’ll never be stronger either. The only thing you can do is follow his back and hope that your distance will decrease.

I had to hold a sword which was way taller than me, reading until I couldn’t anymore, I chose to become close with him so I can observe his increasing abilities, the longer we were together the more the distance between our abilities increased, it made me feel pressurised…I had to decrease this distance.

I had to find a support.

An heir from the knight of the round table.

I needed someone who’s usable, someone who, when combined with me would be able to even out with Haref, that person must also be able to be friends with Haref, he cannot be weak…and if possible…

he must be ‘controllable’.

And this was why I chose a ‘Bedivere’. Bediveres have honesty, they play no tricks, they have power and talent…

Gilbert Bedivere.

That was why I befriended him, little did I know…

in this generation, he would become the ‘black sheep’, the worst investment I have ever invested in.

-A peak in Bedivere’s lively household-

Gilbert: “Father! All the other houses have some kind of drama going on  but why don’t we have any? Ca.s.s is in our house you know! We should at least get a back story!”

Duke: “Son…if we had drama like the other houses I would be hitting you and forcing you to study long ago!”

Faris Lancelot

Corey Gawain

Elisa Gawain