"Whatever you want. Now get out."
"Yes sireee sir, whatever you say sir," said Scott, disappearing as suddenly as he"d arrived.
"You think I am not worthy to be a father? That"s where you get your snotty nosed att.i.tude from is it? Well I will be honest, Matthew. It"s taken some getting used to. And yes, there have been many times that I"ve felt like running away, but I haven"t have I? And just because I"ve got Katy and you"ve got a woman with a broom stuck up her a.r.s.e, well that"s your fault isn"t it? Now you listen to me mate. You had your turn and now she wouldn"t look twice at you, so get lost you stuck-up t.w.a.t."
Matthew gripped hold of a broken towel rail to try and steady himself, visibly shocked at Ben"s verbal attack.
"Pathetic, just pathetic," laughed Ben.
Next thing he knew Ben was reeling back, his chin feeling like it was on fire. He collided with the toilet door stumbling back into the crowded room and onto the edge of the dance floor. He hit me. The b.a.s.t.a.r.d hit me, he thought as his head hit the floor. Next thing he knew Matthew was on top of him pulling him up by his collar.
"Wouldn"t want me you say? Wouldn"t want me?" he angrily whispered right in Ben"s ear. "I think you had better ask her about that. She sure did want me the night of the school reunion. Nice flat she"s got. At a stag-do weren"t you? Amazing what you miss going on a stag-do isn"t it?" Matthew shoved Ben"s head back to the floor again, got up and started to stagger across the dance floor to the door.
The excitement hadn"t gone unnoticed by the old biddies who were nodding genteelly to an Eminem track. They rushed over to where Matthew had left Ben.
"What are you doing down there love?" said one.
"Do you want a sherry?" said another.
"Go on after him, the brute, give him one from me," said an overexcited lady who had spilt pickle down the front of her polyester frock.
Ben got up and fought his way through his devoted crowd and reached Matthew just as he got to the middle of the hall. He grabbed him by the shoulder, spun him around and flattened him with an extremely well targeted left hook. Matthew fell to the ground like he had been shot. Then lay there not moving.
"Ben," came the first cry. "What are you doing?"
Katy pushed through the crowd of teenagers who had beaten her to the scene and who were looking extremely impressed by Ben.
Ben stared at her, not knowing what to say or how to feel. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again when she dropped to her knees and knelt beside Matthew who was still out cold.
"Matthew, wake up, please wake up," she pleaded to the blank face.
"How could you?" she turned to Ben, giving him an icy look and shaking her head.
He opened his mouth again to speak, or shout, or something but no words came. He took one last look at the scene in front of him then turned and walked away, out of the door and into the night.
Chapter 17.
Katy was watching The Deadliest Catch on the Discovery Channel. Fisherman were wrestling hundreds of live crabs as they came tumbling from nets onto the frantic deck of the fishing boat and it was all making her feel a bit sick. She wasn"t sure why she was watching these men go through h.e.l.l but she suspected it was mainly because it was of some comfort to see someone with a worse life than hers. It was only her second day of maternity leave and daytime television had worn thin already, especially as her remote insisted on leading her to baby programmes depicting wonderful loving couples going through a wonderful loving experience together. This had almost caused her to cancel her subscription in disgust and sue Sky for mental cruelty until she chanced upon The Deadliest Catch. It had cheered her up enormously as she watched the men in such desperate conditions. It also happened to be Ben"s favourite programme and she suspected she was subconsciously keeping it on in the hope that it may act as a homing call back to her flat.
Katy had not seen Ben since the night of the wedding party, three days ago. Thankfully Matthew had opened his eyes when Scott had helpfully chucked a pint of cold lager over his face. By this time Alison had been alerted to the altercation and was at the scene, sitting uncomfortably on a chair in the middle of the dance floor next to his head.
"What happened, ask him what happened?" she had shrieked at Katy.
Katy looked down at Matthew, who had come round but was not making any sense. She looked up for Ben but he was no-where to be seen.
"That other bloke punched him," said Scott. "Right in the gob. Perfect hit it was. I tried to stop "em honestly I did. I went into them toilets you know, when I knew there was trouble and I stood between "em and told them to pack it in but that other bloke told me to get lost. Obviously didn"t want me to see him thump him."
"Who are you talking about? Who hit him?" Alison shouted in Scott"s face.
"You know, her bloke, tall, bit scruffy," replied Scott, pointing at Katy.
"Katy, he doesn"t mean Ben does he? Why would Ben do this to Matthew?"
"I don"t know, Alison. I didn"t have a chance to ask him and now he"s gone."
Alison stared at Katy then slowly pulled herself up before asking Charlene"s father if he would help Matthew to their car.
"Of course," he replied. "Shall I see if we can get hold of some hot towels?" he asked, confused by alcohol and the sight of so many pregnant women and someone flat on their back.
"No, I don"t think we will need those. Just get him into the car and I"ll take him home."
"Can I come with you and help you get him in the house?" asked Katy as Charlene"s father hauled Matthew up onto his shoulder.
"No," Alison replied. "I think that you and Ben have done enough, don"t you?"
Katy had been shocked at how quiet a phone could be. In her normal life phones trilled constantly, demanding her attention. She found she couldn"t get used to the eerie silence, especially as her entire body was poised on red alert for the slightest possibility of a call from Ben.
And so, with just two weeks to go before she was due to give birth, Katy could feel herself falling apart. She was like one of the crabs on the TV, hopelessly scrabbling around, trying to find a way out but not making any progress in any direction, all the while knowing the inevitable was looming. For the crab it was certain death but for Katy it was certain life. The life of a new baby who currently didn"t have the possibility of one father never mind the option of two. Every time she remembered Ben stroking her belly in the middle of the dance floor it triggered a wave of uncontrollable sobbing. It killed her to think that for the first time since Matthew, for what was all of half an hour, she had allowed her mind to explore the fantasy of a long-term future with a man. Whilst Ben merrily shared Daniel"s vodka she had surprised herself by picturing the two of them at a simple but beautiful marriage ceremony, on a beach, with their child clinging onto Ben"s hand, holding a ribbon on which dangled their wedding bands. It had been blissful to finally let her mind wander confidently forward and it felt shockingly cruel that yet again it looked like her future hopes were not to be.
She put the now desperate crabs on mute and crawled under the duvet which had taken permanent residence on her sofa. She realised that nothing in her life was where it should be. Duvet always on the sofa, pyjamas always on her body, dirty crockery in the sink, empty hospital bag at the back of wardrobe, babygros still in plastic wrappers in carrier bags and Ben somewhere else entirely.
Somehow, through the fog of her despair she decided she had to do something. If she got everything back where it should be then maybe that would help. That had to be a good plan. Better than no plan. Better than sitting crying in front of death row crabs.
So she hauled herself off the couch, which hissed in relief and bent down to begin to gather the debris of the truly depressed off the floor. Damp tissues, chocolate wrappers, takeaway menus and back copies of h.e.l.lo magazine. She got on all fours and methodically tramped up and down the length of the lounge like some sort of human vacuum cleaner stuffing rubbish into pockets and up sleeves to save her going backwards and forwards to the bin. A glimpse of a long lost DVD remote control behind the sofa finally gave her something to smile about as she set off in hot pursuit, trying to cram herself between the couch and the wall. Just as she thought she might be permanently wedged she heard the front door click and footsteps across the hall. If it was armed robbers she thought it would be best to stay hidden, but her legs sticking out could be a giveaway. However it could be Ben she realised, so she heaved herself up, popping out suddenly like a rabbit out of a hole.
Ben was standing in the middle of the room with one eye on the muted and now very dead crabs and one eye on her.
"It"s a good one this. One bloke loses a leg," he mumbled as Katy pulled herself to her feet, noting that he made no effort to help her.
"Where have you been? I"ve been worried sick," she said.
He took both eyes off the crabs and looked at her blankly.
"At me mum"s."
"What happened Ben? Why did you leave like that."
"Well, you didn"t want me to stay did you?"
"I did, of course I did."
"No you didn"t. I"m going to get my stuff."
"Ben stop. Sit down. Please. Just tell me what happened," said Katy. "Did Matthew wind you up? You shouldn"t let him get to you, you know. We can forget about him now."
"Can we?" Ben sat down and stared at the TV screen, not saying anything.
"Yes Ben. Please let"s forget it all and think about the baby. That"s all that matters isn"t it?" she begged.
He stood up again abruptly.
"No it"s not going to happen. It can"t happen."
"But why?" pleaded Katy, grabbing at his wrist, beginning to panic. "Come on Ben, we can do this."
Ben spoke quietly and carefully.
"No we can"t. It"s him you really want isn"t it? Well maybe not exactly him but someone like him. Not someone like me. I get it now. I can see how you see me. I just a.r.s.e about all day, playing stupid games with stupid kids, and then I a.r.s.e around all night playing stupid games with my stupid mates. What is there in that for you? You and your posh office and your secretary and your posh lunches and your expense account. How could I ever think that I was anything more than just a bit of fun? No wonder you slept with Matthew."
Katy sat down abruptly. So that was why Ben hit him. Matthew had told him. Tears streamed down her face.
"I"m so sorry," she sobbed into her hands. "It was a stupid, stupid mistake. I never meant to hurt you."
"It"s not like we"d made any commitment or anything is it?" he continued, not seeming to have heard a word Katy had said. "We hadn"t said we weren"t going to sleep with other people. I just wish you"d told me, that"s all. So I"d have known where I stood. Because now I feel really stupid for thinking this was all going to work out." He looked down at the floor and started kicking the side of the sofa methodically.
"And you know what. I can see the attraction in a guy like Matthew, honestly I can," he continued. "I mean he"s got it all, hasn"t he. A guy like that can take care of a woman. Good job, big house and he"s sensible you know, good dad material. He wouldn"t lead his kids astray, like I would. Security, that"s what it is, isn"t it? That"s what you need now. What can I offer? A c.r.a.ppy old Ford Focus and a Leeds United season ticket is all the security I have."
"Ben stop, please stop." Katy begged. "You"ve got it all wrong, honestly you have."
"No Katy," he said, finally looking at her. "I think for the first time I haven"t got it wrong. I"ve been thinking about this and I realise I was an idiot. I was batting way above my league with you and at some point a guy like Matthew was bound to come along who was on a level with you. And even if you did only sleep with him once, there are a million other Matthews out there who are worthy of you and a million times more capable of taking care of you than I am." His voice broke and he turned away quickly to hide the tear sliding down his cheek.
"But Ben, there aren"t a million more of you. There is no-one else that would make me feel the way that you do," sobbed Katy.
He wiped his eye wearily before responding.
"And how is that exactly?" he asked.
"Well," she said, sensing a c.h.i.n.k of hope. She desperately searched for the right words but she had no idea where to start. "Ben, you"re different to all the other guys. You make me laugh and, and..."
"Precisely. It"s not enough," said Ben grimly.
"No wait, listen. It"s much more than that. How do I explain? You are the one who stops me being my own worse nightmare. Oh G.o.d, I"m c.r.a.p at this," she said, waving her arms about in desperation. "It"s like when I tell you we have been arguing at work over how to describe a toilet cleaner, you"re the one who says we should just say it cleans up s.h.i.t."
"Well, that"s what it does."
"Exactly. But only you could say that."
"What, that toilet cleaner cleans up s.h.i.t? Yeah, I sure am proud of that. Thinking of nominating myself for the n.o.bel Prize with words of wisdom like that."
"No Ben, I"m trying to explain," she said, getting up and grabbing hold of his wrists. "I"ve been thinking about it too and it"s because we are so different, that"s what makes it right. I don"t want someone who"s like me, because I would turn into one of those hideous middle-cla.s.s suburban housewives who l.u.s.ts after hanging baskets."
Ben looked confused.
"But, but..." he stuttered. "But you"re just better than me," he said finally with a heavy sigh.
"That is so not true," she said, reaching her hand up tentatively to stroke his cheek, feeling his wet tears on her fingertips. "You, Ben King," she said softly, "Are the funniest, kindest, most loyal, most greatest person I know and I am the luckiest girl on earth to have you."
Ben stared down at her looking completely stunned. He started to blink very fast, trying to prevent a barrage of tears.
"Really?" he asked, looking deep into her eyes for any sign of pretence.
"Really." she replied, nodding her head firmly and clenching every single part of her body, willing him to believe her.
"I think I need you to repeat that," he said quietly.
"I said you are the funniest, kindest, most loyal, most greatest person I know and I am the luckiest girl on earth to have you," she repeated breathlessly. A smile started to struggle through at the corner of his mouth. It must be working. She tried hard to remember what else she had been thinking in her foggy state over the last few days that might convince Ben they still had a future. "And you are worth ten of Matthew or any other guy like him and I will regret sleeping with him for the rest of my life," she said, knowing she had never said a truer word. "Ben, I know I don"t deserve your forgiveness but I want you. More than anything, because you stroking my belly is not something I can live without anymore." She reached down, picked up his hand and pulled it up to her lips for the lightest of kisses before placing it on her belly.
Ben looked deep into her eyes again before looking down at their hands entwined on her stomach. Suddenly he lurched forward, enveloped her in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably.
Katy held him as tightly as she could, breathing heavily. She was absolutely exhausted from her unprecedented emotional outpouring and with the relief that the future might be back on after all.
But then suddenly, without warning, Ben pulled away, wiping his hand across his dripping nose.
"But Katy, I"m not sure I can be a good dad," he said, shaking his head. "And you can"t take that risk, saddling yourself with a c.r.a.p dad."
Katy sighed, she wasn"t sure she had any energy left to tackle his insecurities about being a good father. But she had to keep going, the end was in sight.
"Ben, I know you"ll be a great dad, I just do. And I know it must be so hard to think there is a tiny possibility that the baby isn"t yours but that doesn"t matter. I think of you as the father. End of story."
Ben staggered back as if someone had hit him.
"What? What do you mean may not be mine? What the h.e.l.l are you talking about?" he asked, his eyes wide in disbelief.
"What... you mean... oh my G.o.d," Katy buried her head in her hands.
"What do you mean Katy?" asked Ben again.
Katy couldn"t raise her head as she rocked backwards and forwards in shock.
Ben reached down and pulled her hand roughly away from her face.
"What do you mean?" he asked again, almost shouting.
"I thought you would have worked it out. Oh Ben I"m so sorry."
"About what Katy? Explain what you mean. Now," he shouted.
With considerable effort Katy blurted out an explanation. "When me and Matthew had s.e.x, we only did it once I promise but it was about the time I got pregnant, so there is a very small possibility that Matthew could be the father. But Ben it"s tiny," she said, looking up at him pleadingly. "You and I had s.e.x so many times around then that the baby must be yours. It"s got to be, Ben. This baby is yours, I promise you," she said, gripping his shoulders with her hands and shaking him as if to drill it in to him.
"But I don"t understand," said Ben, backing away from her. "Are you telling me you"ve always known this?"
"Well, suspected. But as I say it really is such a tiny possibility that ...that..."