She wanted to moan, deeply from her chest, when Erica"s fingertips lightly circled her nipples, then tweaked gently. Her pelvis arched.
"I know you want this. I want it, bad. I can"t get you out of my head and my entire life is gone. I know somehow it"ll all be right if I can have you. Just say it, and we can go to bed."
Ariel wanted to push Erica"s hands away. Wanted to push them down. Wanted to pull Erica"s shirt off and feel their b.r.e.a.s.t.s shocking alive against each other. No sound, no climax, but everything else they could have. But did everything else matter without peaking, without their mutual song?
She didn"t know how long she writhed on Erica"s lap. She was soaked and aching to feel Erica"s hands between her legs. Erica had buried her face in Ariel"s neck, breathing hard and fast. Their chemistry had merged and was stripping away all of Ariel"s resistance.
Ariel had thought nothing could match the echoes for torture, but being so close to Erica and yet not singing with her was worse. She had not thought she would survive another year in the grotto and yet an hour of Erica"s chemistry was unraveling every intention. If Erica stroked her, she would use her voice. Give up her life for the pleasure of Erica"s touch.
"Dear heaven, what are you?" Erica surged to her feet, tumbling Ariel to the floor. For a moment, Ariel thought Erica would kick her, but instead Erica twirled toward the door. "After what you"ve done to me, is one word too much to give?"
Erica did not ask her to leave. Maybe she didn"t have the strength. Maybe she thought Ariel would break down. If she"d had any pride left, Ariel might have thought that pride was what kept her silent and out of Erica"s bed. But she had no pride. It was fear of losing the cure that had her huddling in blankets on the chilled floor of the bedroom next to Erica"s. She chose the wall closest to Erica"s bed and slept little, hearing the song of Erica"s dreams churning with the anguish of wanting Ariel.
At night there was Erica"s song, during the day Erica"s anger at Ariel"s silence. She"d left pens and pads of paper for Ariel"s use, and been livid when Ariel had pointedly sat on her hands. How could Erica possibly understand the subtlety of Queen Vellia"s mind? No words ... writing would not have escaped her intent.
Ariel"s attempts to ease Erica"s anger in other ways all failed. Erica didn"t want to eat, to dance, to play. She didn"t want company, not Ariel"s company. Sometimes she would stay in her room all day. Then she would quit the house from dawn to dusk, prowling the grounds and the overgrown garden, always returning in a mood more foul than the one she had left in.
Deeply lonely, Ariel found herself sleeping at odd hours or sitting miserably in the garden. She would suddenly realize it had gone dark while she was maundering. One day Erica stormed past her, dropping a blanket on her lap. Only then did Ariel realize it was bitterly cold. For a long while, it was the only contact she and Erica had, and Ariel slept with the blanket every night after that. The steady pulse of her need was the only way she marked time.
She had never been truly alone. Even the echoes had been a kind of company. It was a novel experience to be studiously ignored. It hurt to feel Erica"s desire, to hear her ever-continuing song, and not give way. It hurt... but she breathed in enough of Erica"s chemistry to get through the day without weeping. Well, most days.
On a bleak, gray day that was nearly spring but felt still caught in winter, Ariel was walking the estate"s perimeter fence when she made a most marvelous discovery. The walk had become a familiar one, and the gentle motion had slowly restored some of her health. She was never too far from Erica that the pain ruined the pleasure of the walk.
At the midpoint she realized she had been so depressed that morning she hadn"t eaten and her body was refusing to go on much further. She cut across the middle of the small wood, thick with eucalyptus and oak, to return to the house. To her surprise, she found herself on the edge of a good-sized pond.
It was not a portal to any other waters, but there were fish. Ariel put her hands into the water and they crowded around her fingers, the little voices simple to hear. Her face ached as she smiled for the first time in weeks, but the joy quickly faded to concern. The poor things were all unhappy. The pond was choked with weeds and silt. The koi, in particular, were about to give up.
Well, ignoring Ariel was one thing, but helpless little fish! Ariel stomped her foot indignantly and marched the rest of the way to the house. She fumbled her way through several storage areas, mostly empty, and found a discarded shovel and a rake. Tools and some magic would save the fish and at least provide her with a distraction.
She was a long way from the house and she could feel that Erica was not immediately near. She stripped off her clothes and waded into the frigid water. The rake was nearly useless, she soon discovered, quickly clogging with the heavy bracken and silt. With a sigh of something that could have almost been pleasure, she submerged and blinked her eyes to adjust to water vision. Mud made it hard to see, but her hands could find weed root. They were easy to pull out of the soft bottom soil.
She worked until she was dizzy with hunger and fatigue. She waded out of the thoroughly stirred up pond and summoned the drying spell, then stepped into her clothes. In the watery afternoon light she saw that she had only cleared a quarter of the worst weeds. She left the tools and wearily walked back to the house.
The k.n.o.b of the large patio door was still in her hand from closing it behind her when she heard Erica"s angry voice.
"Where have you been?"
Ariel stared at her with surprise. Erica hadn"t missed her in days, maybe weeks. She was about to shrug apologetically when she remembered the poor neglected koi. She tossed her head with all the regal dignity of a daughter of the queen"s blood and walked pointedly toward the kitchen.
"If you leave here I won"t look for you." Erica followed Ariel to the kitchen. "I spent a fortune the first time. I won"t do it again."
Bring me some sh.e.l.ls and I"ll repay you, Ariel thought. When she had the cure maybe she would do just that. Obviously, Erica had once had money, but those days were past. She was about to turn back to Erica, and try to indicate in some way that she was sorry, when Erica grabbed her by the arm and spun her around.
"Stay or go, but tell me why."
The rush of pleasure from the touch of Erica"s hand was so intense that Ariel couldn"t focus on what Erica was saying. Her body tingled and she saw sparkles behind her eyes.
Erica shook her, hard. "Why are you doing this? Why did you show up here? You"re like some drug. I"m losing my mind!"
Ariel could only nod frantically. She understood how Erica felt. She was wet again, just from Erica"s touch.
"What does that mean, Ariel?" Erica pressed her against the counter. "Where"s the yes I know you are dying to give me? Look at you, it"s all over you."
Erica"s hands cupped her b.r.e.a.s.t.s and Ariel arched into her. It was shockingly good.
"I should have never touched you. Not that night, not now. You want me."
Erica pulled the shirt up, baring Ariel"s b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Her fingers traced the lines of scars that crisscrossed Ariel"s torso. "These are healing," she said softly. "You don"t eat enough."
Neither do you, Ariel wanted to say.
"Ariel," Erica whispered. "I want to hold you, sleep with you, it"s not just f.u.c.king."
Ariel closed her eyes. Humans tended to equate s.e.x with love-it was a counter to their guilt fetish. Erica was not in love with her.
She shuddered when Erica"s fingers abruptly closed on her nipples and tugged sharply.
"Ariel, please. Why can"t we have a normal life? Why can"t you just say yes and we can move on?"
She wanted to laugh at Erica"s foolish simplicity, but then Erica didn"t know she was dying, and had no idea she held a mermaid in her arms. The irony wasn"t fair to Erica. None of this was fair to Erica. The queen said humans were not their playthings, but what was this game of the queen"s but toying with Erica all the more?
You can"t fix it, Ariel told herself. You can"t change this, you can"t make anything better. The only thing you have control of is the cure.
"I want this, too." Erica"s hands went around Ariel"s waist and then she lifted Ariel onto the counter. "I"ve never been with anyone who made me feel the way you did. Like I knew all your secrets and pa.s.swords. Like I was some G.o.d reading your mind."
She nudged Ariel"s legs apart, and it was all Ariel could do to keep from grinding her pelvis against Erica"s stomach. The ache that never went away grew so intense that her eyes wanted to roll back in her head.
Erica grasped both of Ariel"s wrists in one hand and pressed them into the cabinet above Ariel"s head. She held Ariel firmly and gazed into her eyes.
"Say yes, Ariel."
Ariel"s entire body shook as Erica trailed one finger slowly down her breast, then circled her nipple several times. Then she was firmly pulling on the puckered flesh, toying with the nerves that seemed to explode inside Ariel"s brain.
"Say yes."
Yes was her prayer, Ariel remembered. She wanted to give herself to it, swim in it and drown. Her tides were surging. Her hips rocked to the edge of the counter and she felt that hard pressure of Erica"s body there, pushing back against her own.
She was close. She clamped her lips together, though she didn"t remember why it was necessary. She tried to move away, but her body screamed for her to stay.
"Say yes, and we"ll make love at least once tonight, the way you said you liked to."
Ariel"s breath was catching in her throat. She wanted so badly to moan.
"You want to come, don"t you?"
Ariel convulsed at the suggestion, nearly pulling her wrists out of Erica"s grasp. She wanted to give herself but all the reasons she should not were so confusing now.
"Just say yes, and we"ll f.u.c.k for weeks. I"ll lose myself in your body."
Why was yes wrong? Why was she not supposed to be with Erica? Who ... who was she that she couldn"t say yes?
She hung suspended in that moment of not knowing who she was, utterly lost in her desire. She had always wanted this. It had seemed an ideal she would never reach. She lived inside the moment, and wanted the ecstasy, the screaming, the surge of her pouring wet.
The moment seemed perfect, so why did she hurt? Why was her soul edged in sorrow and guilt?
Say yes, Ariel, yes, I need you...
Erica... Erica was touching her, wanting to take her, love her. But it wasn"t real. It was a sickness. Ariel was a disease to Erica.
The moment of perfect desire was sand under the surf, washing away to nothing. Erica did not want her and without any chance for pure, clean song between them, Ariel could not remember why she had wanted to feel this way.
Erica let go of her wrists and staggered back. Only then did Ariel realize she was shaking her head no.
"Why?" Erica was as pale as the moon"s light, but her eyes were hot with anger. "You want it, I want it. You"re a walking f.u.c.king temptation, and I want to tear your clothes off every time I see you. Why won"t you say yes?"
Ariel pulled her shirt down and buried her face in her hands. She wanted to scream, wanted to sob, but she held it all inside, caught in a whirlpool of silent grief. It was a long time before she realized Erica had left the room.
Days, then weeks, even months pa.s.sed, and Erica pointedly would not stay in the same room with Ariel. If their paths crossed she quickly adjusted and it wasn"t long before Ariel instinctively went the opposite direction, too. It hurt to be near Erica, hurt to be away, hurt to breathe. Hurt to move, hurt to think... she hurt. In her bones, in her muscles, in her heart, she hurt.
The only time she didn"t hurt was when she was working in the pond. She dug out weeds until her hands ached. Communing with the little creatures was simple and undemanding. She wasn"t alone, and that was what mattered.
During her exploration of the far end of the pond from where she began, she discovered a leaf-clogged pump. She knew nothing of how such things worked, but she cleaned everything she could reach. A search revealed the controls concealed inside what appeared to be a solid rock. To her delight, the pump gurgled into action. Moments later, a small, musical waterfall cascaded down what she had thought was merely decorative rock.
Within a few days the water had cleared to the point of being able to watch the gleaming fish dart back and forth. She visited the pond every day, hunkering down with at least her hand below the surface. Some days she stripped and waded. It wasn"t deep enough to swim, but she could float and twist. It became her small slice of something like home.
The days were growing longer, and most afternoons the fog lifted, allowing for warming sunshine. The nights remained black with the frustrated song she shared with Erica. Ariel didn"t know how to break Erica"s anger. She wasn"t even sure she deserved to try. What had she brought Erica except pain? What could she ever offer Erica besides unwelcome news and, eventually, an eternal good-bye?
On a bright afternoon with the waterfall tinkling in a light breeze, the overhead sun lanced into the pool and the surface shimmered with a light Ariel recognized. She had not thought this pond, far from the sea and so darkened with mud, could ever be healthy enough to act as a window. She let the surface still, then leaned slowly over it, her mouth near enough to kiss the surface. She breathed out, slowly, and below her an image spread.
She saw swimming colors and a barrage of faces-Caliba, who was never far from her thoughts, and some of her sisters. They all shimmered with gaiety and light, no worries, no cares. The breeze made the images waver for a moment, then the spell broke completely.
After that, she was at the pond every day from the moment the sun came into position until it faded. The glimpses of home were brief, but she felt, finally, she could bear this year. If Erica was too far away, Ariel ached to know where she was. If she was too close, Ariel burned to be touched. But this middle range they had found left Ariel with some control, while memories of home helped warm the cold inside her. Only at night, in closer quarters, did the physical longing surge up, leaving Ariel"s thighs perpetually wet.
Ariel thought it must be nearing summer, because sunflowers broke ground in the garden, and reached for the light. They reminded her of anemones, so brilliant and pleasing. She caressed their silky petals as she wandered her way to the pond. The day was warm. Yes, it must be summer, she thought.
When the sun moved over the pond, the visions from home were spangled with light and laughter. Ariel longed to touch or hear, to at least laugh. She watched hungrily until the spell broke, wondering if anyone there ever remembered her. More than a little depressed, Ariel slipped out of the baggy sweat clothes Erica had lent her, and slipped into the water.
She floated on her back, listening to the faint clicks and whistles of the fish happily searching the pond for bits of food. The sun was warm on her b.r.e.a.s.t.s and face. Smiling to herself in an unusual flash of innocent pleasure, she turned several slow somersaults in the water. Easy and graceful, she let her hands touch the bottom while her feet waved happily above the surface in the sun.
A concussion hit the water and Ariel flipped skyward in surprise. When her eyes flicked back to air vision she saw Erica standing next to the pond, a rock in one hand.
"What are you doing?"
Ariel just stared. What the kelp did it look like she was doing?
"You were under forever."
With a silent sigh, Ariel swam toward her clothes. She frowned, annoyed. With Erica here she couldn"t use a drying spell. She"d be wet all the way back to the house.
"Is this where you"ve been hiding?"
Ariel shrugged.
Erica knelt by the water"s edge. "I thought the fish would all have died by now. The pump broke and I didn"t have the money to fix it. Smartest thing I ever did with my inheritance was pay cash for this place, but..." She stared down into the water. "The fish are beautiful. Thank you."
The compliment was welcome, and Ariel wished there could be more. But the infection they both suffered was the only reason Erica wanted to be close. Ariel wanted to go home, go back to hunting with her friends and enjoying the life of the first circle. She only hung on Erica"s every word because of the infection too. It had nothing to do with the gentleness in Erica"s voice, or the way, sometimes in an unguarded moment, Erica looked at her with something more than hunger.
Ariel climbed out some distance from where Erica was kneeling, but realized that she would have to walk past Erica, naked, to get to her clothes.
"They are beautiful, like you."
Ariel flushed, but only nodded. She gathered her things and hurried toward the house, not stopping to put anything on. Erica was too close and Ariel could feel her pulse starting to throb. Control was easier if she didn"t fully inhale Erica"s chemistry.
Erica was following her and Ariel ran, her hair streaming water down the backs of her calves. She couldn"t be naked with Erica.
"Ariel, please wait. I won"t touch you."
Erica"s plea was so earnest that Ariel had to stop, even though it wasn"t Erica"s control she was worried about.
Erica stood a scant foot from her. "I can"t take this. I can"t even look at those fish and not think about your skin. Everything I see is you."
Please, Ariel wanted to whisper. Then she asked herself, "Please what?"
"I"ve waited, waited for something to happen. Waited for you to say yes. You want to, I can feel it. G.o.d knows I want you. I will never forget that way you responded to me. No woman has ever been that way for me, and I don"t know how you did it. You made me feel like you were saying yes to me, not the rich hot butch who knew how to f.u.c.k. Your yes was real. Real."
Ariel nodded. She had wanted Erica as much as Erica had wanted her.
"I want you, not just in bed. Not just coming on my hands though... G.o.d, Ariel, I want that too. But that night you smiled at me, and spoke so softly. Even though the s.e.x got hard, we weren"t hard."
Ariel closed her eyes. She knew what Erica meant.
"Ariel... even if we don"t... I feel good when I hold you. I feel better."
Ariel opened her eyes and realized that Erica had gotten even thinner. She seemed all eyes and sinew. What was Erica asking for? Comfort?
Trembling, Ariel told herself that comfort was something she could give. They both wanted more, but comfort wouldn"t lose Ariel the cure. And it might ease Erica"s time. Until that moment Ariel had not seen past the moment when the cure was unleashed in her body. She supposed she had thought she"d go home. And leave Erica to do what? She would stay, Ariel decided, stay with Erica, until it was over.
She slowly lifted one hand and brushed her fingertips the length of Erica"s jaw.
Erica sighed, and gently pulled Ariel into her arms. "I just need to hold you."
Ecstatic fire seemed to lick over Ariel"s body. The feel of Erica against her, holding her, was so welcome and so needed.
"It"s okay, Ariel. I"m not asking for yes right now. Just this."
Ariel ached to say yes. She told herself that the moment she was cured she would say yes. She would stay with Erica until Erica"s ending. Was that pity? Compa.s.sion? Erica"s pain was real, and Ariel had been the unwitting cause. Trembling with the effort to be gentle, she kissed Erica softly on the lips.
They stood like that, in the dappled sunlight, for some time. Ariel knew the tears on her cheeks weren"t just her own.