Clutching the paper in both hands she scurried over to the other table to grab a felt-tipped pen. She had been eyeing the pens for some time and now with both the pen and the hard-earned paper she darted off to the far side of the room. Scrambling under the rabbit"s cage, she began to write.
She was fast. Somehow I had expected her to have difficulty since she had not written in so long. But as in so many other ways, Sheila surprised me. Within minutes she was back, the piece of paper folded into a tiny square. She sidled up next to me when I wasn"t looking and pressed it into my hand.
"This here be a secret now. You don"t go showing it to n.o.body. It do be just for you."
"Okay." I began unfolding it.
"No, don"t read it now. Save it."
Nodding, I slipped the little square of paper into my pocket.
I forgot about it until that night when I was changing for bed. Then the folded square fell out onto the floor. Carefully I picked it up and straightened it out. Inside, written in blue felt-tip, I found what must have been for Sheila, with all her dignity, a very personal note.
A special thing I want you to know but not tell n.o.body You know sometimes the kids make Fun of me and call me names and befor I used not to put on clene Close. But sometimes I dont cos you know what I do but please dont tell I wet the bed. I dont mean to Pa he wips me for it if he knows but He dont mostly. I just don"t know why Torey I try real hard to Stop. You wouldnt be mad at me would you. My pa he is but I dont mean to Honest, it bothers me alot but it Make me ashamed of myself. Pa he says Im a baby but I be 7 soon when I do then there aint no clene underpanz and the kids make fun of me. Please dont tell no kids about this ok. Or dont tell Mr Colinz. or Anton or Whiteney or anybody ok. I just want you to know.
I read the note through, touched by her openness and amazed by her writing ability. By and large the note was well-written, punctuated and spelled correctly. It puzzled me that she used "I"m," since I did not ever remember hearing her say it. I smiled to myself and sat down and wrote her a note back.
So the first break in the paperwork war had been made. The next day with help she managed to do a math paper. It was carefully done and I suggested it go up on the bulletin board where I displayed all the children"s good work. This was too much for Sheila and I later found the math paper shredded in the trash can. I was more careful after that. She became able to do two or three written a.s.signments without supervision. Occasionally she would slip back and destroy the paper partway through the a.s.signment or after completing it, especially those that were difficult for her. But if I gave her a second sheet, she would try again. I never marked anything wrong because Sheila had such a tenuous hold on herself in committing her work to paper. It was far too fragile at that point to take any criticism, however well-meaning the critic"s intentions. Instead, Anton or I always checked on her while she did the papers and discussed some alternatives to questions she was answering incorrectly. Otherwise I kept a low profile on her increasing ability to do this task. It was not that important a matter, despite what my teacher"s instinct told me, and I never wanted her to feel that I measured her worth by how many papers she did. Obviously someone had already communicated that to her and I wanted it clear that that was not true in our cla.s.sroom. Regardless of how inconvenient her distrust of paperwork had been, she needed to know that n.o.body would be valued less than a stack of school papers.
Interestingly enough, Sheila found great outlet in creative writing. In this area the old fears seemed to drop away, and she wrote spontaneously and copiously. Line after line of her loose, rather sloppy writing would hurry across the page telling about things that often seemed too personal to say face-to-face. I could usually count on five or six extra pages in the correction basket each night.
I never learned whatever it was that motivated Sheila toward her paper phobia. Later interactions with her over it and later comments that she made reaffirmed my belief that it was related to a fear of failure. But I never really knew. Nor did I feel a pressing need to know, only because so few human behaviors can be reduced to such simple cause-effect terms. There were more important things to worry about, things more important than ferreting out a mysterious and ultimately academic "why."
Allan, the school psychologist, returned shortly after Valentine"s Day with a whole battery of tests for Sheila, including a Stanford-Binet IQ test. I balked a bit when I met him and his armload in the office that morning. I knew to my satisfaction that Sheila was a gifted child; she proved it daily. What difference did it make if her IQ were 170 or 175 or 180? It was all so far beyond normal that the numbers were meaningless. Even a variation of thirty points did not matter much. I would not know how to handle her any differently if she had an IQ of 150 or 180; she was too discrepant. But I suspect Allan was excited over finding such an interesting specimen and wanted to test her more for his own education than for any added benefit to Sheila. I relented because I knew the time was coming when we would have to face the authorities who had committed her to the state hospital. She certainly did not belong there; I could see that beyond a doubt now. I was hoping all the ill.u.s.trious IQ scores would serve us in the end.
She topped out the Stanford-Binet as she had done on the other tests. An extrapolated score gave her an IQ of 182. As I looked at it, I was affected in a mystical way; 182 is beyond anyone"s comprehension. That is as far in the direction of genius as an IQ of 18 is in the direction of r.e.t.a.r.dation. And everyone knows how very different from the normal population a child with an 18 IQ is. What people generally fail to realize is that a child with a 182 is just as different.
What moved me most was considering how she ever came to possess that kind of knowledge. It almost seemed to me as if it were some sort of anomaly like brain damage in reverse. Her father - if he was, indeed, her father - was of normal intelligence and from what I could make out, so was her mother. Where in Sheila"s abused, deprived six years had she learned what words like "chattel" meant? How had that happened? It seemed as nearly impossible to me as anything I had ever encountered. I was flooded with thoughts that she must be proof of reincarnation. I could see no other explanation for this extraordinary child.
Almost before I realized what I was thinking, a second emotion entered into the mystery. In the back of my head I heard the chant of a TV commerical I had seen once: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." My gut tightened. There was so much to do with this child, and so little time. I did not know if it would be nearly enough.
CHAPTER 12.
THE LAST WEEK IN FEBRUARY I WAS SPEAKING at a conference out of state. I had known about the engagement since before school had started in the fall and had reminded Ed Somers periodically that I was still planning to attend. Now as the time grew near, I once again called Ed to make arrangements for my replacement.
The children had been with a subst.i.tute earlier in the year in November when I had gone to a workshop. It was only one day and I had prepared the kids, so things had gone well. I felt it was very important that they have these little tests of independence. Regardless of how much progress they had made during their year with me, it would be futile if they only performed reliably in my presence. I had seen more good teachers fail because of this problem than any other and was haunted by the thought that I might fall prey to that difficulty. I suppose what worried me was that I tended to form a closer, more intense relationship with my kids than did a number of teachers in the same general area as I. When I saw them breeding dependency in their more detached manners, I feared I was in trouble. Thus far, I hadn"t been, but I took every opportunity to let my children cope without me.
Sheila worried me though. She had not been with us very long yet and was still quite dependent. I saw this as a natural stage for her at the time, but I worried that my leaving, even for a short period of time, might frighten her.
On the Monday before my absence, which would be Thursday and Friday of that week, I mentioned casually to the children that I would be gone. Again on Tuesday, I mentioned it. On neither occasion did Sheila appear to attend to the comment. But on Wednesday after lunch I sat the kids down for a discussion. I explained I would be gone the next two days and not in the room. Anton would be there and so would Whitney and there would be a subst.i.tute teacher. Things would go just as always and there was no need to worry. I would be back on the next Monday when we were all going on a field trip to the fire station. We discussed ways of behaving properly around a subst.i.tute teacher; things that would make the job easier for her and things that should not be done. We role-played how to talk to her and how to deal with the minor crises that always seemed to crop up with subs. Everyone partic.i.p.ated actively in the discussion. Everyone but Sheila. As the reality of what I was saying dawned on her, she regarded me anxiously. Her hand went up.
"Yes, Sheila?"
"You gonna be gone?"
"Yes, I am. That"s what this is all about. I won"t be here tomorrow or Friday, but I"ll be back on Monday. That"s what we"re talking about."
"You gonna be gone?"
"Jeepers, Sheila," Peter said, "you deaf or something? What you think we been doing all this time?"
"You gonna be gone?"
I nodded. The other kids were looking at her strangely.
"You ain"t gonna be here?"
"I"ll be back on Monday. Just two days and then I"ll be back."
Her face clouded over, her eyes filling with wary concern. She rose to her feet and retreated backwards toward the housekeeping corner, watching me the entire time.
I went on to answer other questions and finally broke up the group when it seemed everyone was satisfied. It was almost time for recess and then cooking.
Sheila remained in the housekeeping corner fiddling aimlessly with toy pots and pans. Anton called her to get her coat on for recess but she refused to come, popping her thumb into her mouth and looking defiantly at him. I motioned to Anton to go out with the Others and went over to her. Turning a chair around backwards, I straddled it, resting my chin on the back. "You"re upset with me, aren"t you?" "You never tell me you go away." "Yes, I did, Sheil. Both Monday and yesterday in morning discussion." "But you didn"t tell me." "I told everybody."
She threw a tin pan down so that it clattered. "It ain"t fair you go leave me. I don"t want you to."
"I know you don"t and I"m sorry for your sake that I have to. But I am coming back, Sheila. I"ll only be gone for two days."
"I ain"t never, never gonna like you again. I ain"t never gonna do anything you ask. You do be so mean to me. You tame me so"s I like you and then you leave. You ain"t supposed to do that, don"t you know? That be what my Mama done and that ain"t a good thing to do to little kids. They put you in jail for leaving little kids. My Pa, he says so."
"Sheila, it"s different from that." "I ain"t gonna listen to you. I ain"t never gonna listen to you again. I liked you and you be mean to me. You are gonna go away and leave me and you said you wouldn"t. That be a fierce awful thing to do to a kid you tame. Don"t you know that?"
"Sheila, listen to me..."
"I ain"t never gonna listen to you. Don"t you hear me say that?" Her voice was almost inaudible, but pregnant with feeling. "I hate you."
I looked at her. She kept her face averted. For the first time since she had come I saw her bring a finger up to one eye to stop an unfallen tear. In panic she pressed her fingers tight against her temples, willing the tears back. "Look what you make me do," she muttered accusingly. "You make me cry and I don"t want to. You know I don"t like to cry. I hate you more than anybody and I ain"t never gonna be nice in here again. No matter what."
For a single moment the tears glistened in her eyes. They never fell. She darted past me, grabbed her jacket and ran out the door to the playground.
I got my own jacket and joined the children. Sheila sat by herself in the very farthest corner. Hunched up against the chilly February wind, she sat with her face hidden in her arms.
"Not taking it so well, eh?" Anton said.
"Nope, she"s not taking it so well."
After recess when the other children readied for cooking, Sheila remained in the housekeeping corner idly clattering toys around. I let her be. She was upset and had reason to be. Despite her isolation from us, she was handling her distress quite well. No tantrums, no destruction, no bolting. I was surprised and pleased with the manner in which she was coping. Sheila had come a long way in two months.
The other kids tried to coax Sheila into joining them. Tyler, ever the cla.s.s mother, fussed over Sheila until Whitney told her to get back to the cookies. Peter kept asking why she was standing there and not joining us. I explained that Sheila was feeling a little angry just then and was keeping herself in control by not being with us.
After the cookies were done and everyone sat around eating, I joined William and Guillermo. Tyler had taken some cookies over to Sheila, who was still in retreat midst the dolls and dishes of the housekeeping corner. Guillermo was showing me a new Braille watch his grandfather had given him and he and William were testing me to see if I could read it with my eyes closed.
"Torey," Sarah shouted from the other side of the room, "come here, Sheila"s throwing up."
Peter bounced over in delighted glee. "Sheila just puked all over everything." Peter loved gruesome catastrophes.
Anton went for the janitor and I went back to see what had happened. The other kids gathered around like we had a three-ring circus.
I lifted Sheila out of the area and set her down beside me. Pushing back her bangs, I felt her forehead. She wasn"t hot.
"Maybe she"s got a virus," Peter said. "Last year I puked about a million times one night and all over my bed and stuff, and my mom said I had a virus."
"No," I replied. "I don"t think Sheila"s sick. I think she"s just a little nervous about things today and it got to her tummy."
"That happened to me once. My uncle was coming and I got really excited," William said. "And I got sick because of it. He was going to take me fishing."
Peter snorted. "I bet it was Tyler"s cookies."
"I think it would help if everybody would clear out of here and go sit down someplace," I said.
When Anton returned, I took Sheila into the bathroom to clean her up. She was compliant but refused to look at me or to speak. So in silence I washed off her face and clothes.
"Do you think you might throw up again?" I asked.
No response.
"Sh.e.l.l, cut that out. Now answer me. I asked how you were feeling. Are you going to be sick again?"
"I didn"t mean to."
"I know you didn"t. But I wanted to know if you thought you were still feeling sick, so we could be prepared if we needed to be. It"s almost time to go home."
"My bus don"t come "til five."
"I think it would be better if you went home when school"s out. They sort of have a rule about throwing up at school. They wouldn"t want you on the bus. And I just think it"d be better for you to go home. Anton can take you after school."
"But I didn"t mean to. I won"t do it again."
"Honey, that"s not the point."
"You hate me. You hate me and won"t even be nice to me when I be sick. You do be such a mean person."
I rolled my eyes in exasperation. "Sheila, I do not hate you. Honestly, what can I do to get through to you that I am coming back? I will only be gone tomorrow and Friday. Just two short days. Then I"ll be back. Don"t you understand that?"
I was frustrated. She was a bright child, she knew how long two days were. Yet she stood there uncomprehending. I doubted her vomiting was any more than a physical reaction to emotional distress, but I did not know what to do with her. She would not hear what I was saying.
Rising from where I had been washing her off, I shook my head. Then I shrugged. "Do you want me to rock you a little while until school gets out? Maybe that will help settle your tummy some."
She shook her head.
The janitor was just leaving and the children were starting to get ready to go home. Anton looked questioningly in my direction. I spread my hands in a gesture of bewilderment.
The other kids were getting their coats on, and Sheila stood in the bathroom doorway and watched. When I looked at her, she seemed a little pale. Perhaps I had been too hasty in judging, perhaps it was a virus. But I didn"t think so. There had been too many nervous stomachs in my experience. She was, after all, struggling with a hard tiling.
I sat down in the rocking chair and turned in her direction. She remained in the doorway. The distance seemed so far between us. How fragile the bond was that held us. Uppermost in my mind was the frustration of being unable to convince her that I, unlike all the others, was not abandoning her. However, underneath the frustration blossomed such admiration for this child. She was so strong and courageous. There was no reason why she should suspect I was being honest with her. Nothing in her past gave her grounds to think that I would return, and she was doing the only sensible thing. Yet as she stood in the doorway watching me, a pantomime of self-doubt and fear and sorrow played across her face. She was trying so hard to believe me, the war between her experience and her dreams vivid in her eyes. I was filled with respect for her, such heart-grinding, unspeakable respect, because she was trying so hard. This was one of those moments that made all the others worthwhile. We were touching each other"s souls.
I reached a hand out. "Come here, kitten. Let me rock you."
She hesitated, then slowly approached. Without a word she climbed into my lap.
"This has been a hard day, hasn"t it?"
She pressed her fingers to her temples.
"I know you don"t understand what"s happening, Sheila. You don"t understand how I can do this to you and still like you." I rocked her, pushing back her bangs and feeling the silky softness of her hair. "You"re just going to have to trust me."
Her body was rigid against mine, like it had been in the beginning. She did not relax. "You tamed me. I didn"t ask you to, but you did. Now you leave. It ain"t fair. You be "sponsible for me. You said so yourself."
I puzzled over her sudden change to the past tense. I had never heard it except in rare, random instances. "Kitten, please trust me. I"ll be back. It won"t be so bad as you think. Anton will still be here, and Whitney. And the subst.i.tute will be real nice, I just know it. You"ll have fun if you just give yourself the chance."
She did not answer, but simply sat, her fingers white against her temples. There wasn"t any more to say. She did not believe me or else she could not bring herself to admit she did. I was too used to her verbal ability. I sometimes forgot she was a six-year-old child. I forgot how many problems she had and how short a time she had been with us. I was expecting too much in wanting her to understand.
The conference was in a West Coast state which had a milder February climate. Chad went with me and we spent most of the time on the beach walking in the surf. It was a marvelous change. I seldom realized how tied up with the children I was until a moment like this occurred and I got away. My interactions were intense and all-consuming for me. When I was working, I could never perceive how tense the involvement left me. Now, on the sunny beach, I felt the weariness drain away.
It was a good conference and an even better vacation. I never thought of the children at all except in bed at night. Even then it was a hazy recollection. I knew they would take care of themselves in my absence. For Chad and me it was a spiritual rebirth. Since Sheila had come, proving such a challenge and forcing me to take my planning home at night, Chad had been slighted. He understood my fascination with the kids, but he still resented the fact that they absorbed every moment. Four days alone together left us happy and relaxed.
On Monday morning I returned, anxious to get back to work. We had the field trip to the fire station planned in the afternoon and I had to make last minute calls on arrangements and check with all the parents who had promised to help.
Anton met me in the hallway as I was returning from the phone. He bulged his eyes. "We had quite a time in your absence," he said.
I could tell from his tone of voice that the "time" had not been a good one and I feared to ask. "What happened?"
"Sheila went absolutely berserk. She refused to talk. She pulled all the stuff off the walls, all the books out of the bookcases. She gave Peter a b.l.o.o.d.y nose on Friday. She wouldn"t do any work at all. I couldn"t even get her to sit in her chair. On Thursday she broke the record player. And on Friday afternoon she tried to break the gla.s.s out of the door with her shoe."
"You"re kidding!"
"Uh-uh. Jesus, Torey, I wish I was. She was a holy terror."
"Gripes," I muttered, "I thought she was getting over doing that kind of junk."
"She was worse than I"ve seen her in ages. She spent the whole time in the quiet corner, having to be held in the chair every moment of it. She was worse than she ever was when she came."
My heart sank. A vast cesspool of emotions gurgled unhappily within me. I had honestly believed I could trust her to behave while I was gone. It hurt to realize I had misguessed so badly. I felt like I had been personally insulted. I had trusted her; I had depended on her good behavior and she had let me down.
I planned to discuss the matter with her but her bus was late. The other kids began to arrive, all bearing tales. "You ought to have seen what Sheila done," Sarah said excitedly. "She wrecked the whole room."
"Yeah!" Guillermo chirped. "That subst.i.tute, Mrs. Markham, she spanked Sheila and made her sit in the quiet corner and Whitney had to hold her all afternoon, "cause she wouldn"t."
Peter bounced around me, his dark eyes blazing with delight. "And she was real mean to Whitney and Whitney cried and then guess what? Even Mrs. Markham cried. And Sarah cried and Tyler cried. All the girls cried because Sheila was so naughty. But I didn"t. I socked her. I hit her good for being so bad."
"Her bad," Max confirmed, twirling around me.