My dismal discouragement turned to anger. How could she have done this to me? She had apparently behaved worse than she ever had when I was there. I thought she should have had good enough control to make it for two days without my lurking about every minute. I was deeply disappointed; my confidence about handling her had reached an all-time low. She was getting back at me; she had behaved that way on purpose and all the time and effort I had given her had been to no avail.
Sheila arrived after we had started morning discussion. She regarded me suspiciously as she sat down. The familiar musty odor of stale urine wafted up. She hadn"t even bothered to wash since I had left.
My own displeasure did not lessen when I saw her. I was feeling very defensive, believing that her behavior had been a direct a.s.sault on my credibility as a teacher. As with all the others with whom she had come into contact, she had figured out what was most important to me and had used it as revenge. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. This was far harder for me to accept than the incident of the first day or even Mrs. Holmes" room, because it had been so directly aimed at me.
After discussion I called her over. We sat in chairs away from the others. "I hear you didn"t handle yourself very well."
She stared at me, her feelings unreadable.
"I came back and all I heard was about the bad things you did. I want you to explain that to me."
She said nothing but met me with unwavering eyes.
"I"m mad at you, Sheila. I"m the maddest I"ve been in a long time. Now I want to hear why you did that."
Still no response.
Rage rose within me as I saw those cold, distant eyes. In sudden desperation I grabbed her shoulders and shook her roughly. "Speak to me, dammit! Speak to me!" But what emotion was there closed, and she gritted her teeth. Horrified at losing control of myself, I let go of her shoulders. G.o.d, this job was getting to be too much for me.
She remained in stony silence, glaring at me. My aggressiveness had brought up her own anger and she was an equal match for me, if not better. This was her world, this realm of physical force. She was more a master of it than I and I could tell I had made a mistake in touching her that way. I imagined that she could outlast any sort of physical devastation I was capable of and still not speak. But I was so full of disappointment. My shoulders sagged.
"I trusted you," I said, my voice soft, the discouragement undisguised. "I trusted you for two lousy days, Sheila. I trusted you, can"t you see that? And you want to know how it makes me feel to come back and hear you behaved like that?"
Sheila exploded with a fury I had been unprepared for. "I never told you to trust me! I never said that; you did! I never said you could trust me. You can"t! n.o.body can trust me! I never said you could!" She tore off, careening frantically around the perimeter of the room before scuttling under the table the animal cages were on. Her distress was so great that she sat under the table emitting little strangled noises that were not exactly sobs or screams or words. But their emotion was clear enough.
Her response had surprised me and I sat in the chair without moving. The other children had paused to look at us, their concern mirrored in one another"s eyes. I just sat and looked at her in her hiding place under the table. I did not know what to do.
"Well, then you"re not going anywhere with us this afternoon, Sheila," I said at last. "I"m not taking anyone I can"t trust. You can stay with Anton."
She crawled out from under the table. "I can too go."
"No, I"m afraid not. I can"t trust you."
She looked horror stricken. I knew that the field trip meant a great deal to her. She loved going places with us. "I can too go."
I shook my head. "No, you can"t."
Sheila screamed, letting loose high-pitched earsplitting shrieks. She still stood over by the animal cages and began leaping up and down, beating the air with her hands.
"Sheila, cut it out or over to the quiet corner. Right now."
She was clearly out of control. Flinging herself on the floor she banged her head violently on the ground. Anton made a flying leap toward her to intercept the self-destruction. Never before had she done such a thing; I had expected her to go off into one of her destructive rages and evidently so had the children who were covertly putting their valuables out of the way. But she had never attempted to hurt herself before. Some of the other kids, particularly Max and Susannah, would do that, but never Sheila.
Anton had her tight in his arms. She struggled savagely, all the while screaming. I couldn"t hear myself think. Then as suddenly as it started, it stopped, the room falling into unearthly silence. I dashed over fearing that she had hurt herself to stop so abruptly. Anton released his grip on her and she melted through his arms like warm b.u.t.ter, slithering into a little lump on the carpet. Her arms were over her head, her face into the tweed of the rug.
"Are you all right, Sheila?" I asked.
She turned her head. "Please let me go," she whispered.
After that terrible show of emotion I was alarmed. "I don"t think you"d better." If she were behaving like this I was fearful of controlling her outside the room.
"I do be sorry for what I done. Let me go. You can trust me. Please?" Her voice was very small. "Gimme a chance. I"ll show you how good I can be. Please? I wanna go."
I looked down at her. My own feelings were returning and I was beginning to think all that violent behavior was a con because she had stopped it so fast. That renewed some of my anger. "I don"t think so, Sheila. Maybe next time."
She began screaming again, covering her face with her hands but remaining on the floor. She looked like a rag doll in the contorted position she lay in. I turned and walked away to work with the other children.
All morning she lay in a lump on the floor. She screamed for a while longer and then fell into silence, not moving, not looking up from her huddle. At first I was tempted to move her to the quiet corner, but I changed my mind. I was feeling defeated; I did not want to tangle with her.
By lunch my spirits had flagged completely. I was beginning to realize that I had been angry with her for exposing what I perceived as a teaching deficit in myself. I was mad because I was not able to leave her successfully. I was angry because she had done to me what I had watched her do to so many others. Somehow, I had honestly believed she would never take revenge against me. She had not until then and I had enough of an inflated ego to believe she never would. Now that I had been put on an equal footing with everyone else, my feelings had been hurt. With great embarra.s.sment, I realized I had done back to her the same thing by taking away the field trip. She had hurt me and I had wanted to show her that she"d be sorry. I had chosen the one thing within my power that I knew would hurt her back.
Realizing this made me feel worse than ever. What a cra.s.s, egotistical boor. I hated myself, hated the world. Feeling absolutely bleak, I could not decide how to recover the situation.
Over our sandwiches at lunch, I unloaded my guilt on Anton. "Boy, I blew it this time," I mumbled into my peanut b.u.t.ter. Why had I ever become a teacher if I had such lousy control over my own feelings? Anton tried to rea.s.sure me. She had behaved very badly, he reminded me. She deserved to know that it was unacceptable.
But I felt like a zero. The poor kid. Here this day should have been a happy reunion for everyone. And I came back a shrew. What she had done was not so unpredictable. The kid was upset and was showing it the best way she knew how. h.e.l.l, that was why she was in this room to begin with. But what about me? Was that my reason for being there too? This day should have been a joyous affirmation that she could trust me; I returned like I had promised. Instead I yelled at her. And I took away a privilege she didn"t even know was in jeopardy. G.o.d, how had I ever gotten into teaching?
I spent the entire lunch hour feeling like a monster and not knowing how to fix things. Even if I apologized, I could not undo becoming so mad at her in the morning. I choked unhappily through the last of my sandwich. She had been right. She had never said I could trust her.
Back in the cla.s.sroom, I sat down next to her. The other kids were getting ready to go and parents milled around. Sheila sat alone over in the corner.
"Honey, I have to talk to you. I did something wrong this morning. I got mad at you when I was really mad at myself. I told you that you couldn"t go on the field trip, but I"ve changed my mind. You can go. I"m sorry I was angry with you."
Without responding, without even looking at me, Sheila rose and got her coat.
After school, when the other children had gone home, the strained silence between us lingered. I had tried to break it all afternoon, outdoing myself to be funny and make everyone laugh. But Sheila remained apart, holding on to Whitney"s hand. I gave up. As in all things, the best healer, I decided, would be time. I was recovering, knowing that I had acted inappropriately, but also knowing, as Anton had pointed out, that I was human.
I took the papers from the basket and sat down to grade them. I had offered to read but Sheila declined and busied herself playing cars on the floor across the room. The first hour pa.s.sed and Sheila got up to stand by the window and watch the shadows lengthen across the snow. When next I looked up, she was still by the window but she was watching me.
"How come you come back?" she asked softly.
"I just went away to give a speech. I never intended to stay away. This is my job here with you kids."
"But how come you come back?"
"Because I said I would. I like it here."
Slowly she approached the table where I was sitting. The hurt was clear in her eyes now.
"You really didn"t think I was coming back, did you?"
She shook her head.
Across a tremendous gulf of silence we looked at each other. I could hear the clock jumping the minutes. Onions, the rabbit, rustled in his cage. I was looking at her eyes, wide and fluid and the color of the water where I used to go diving off the coast. I wondered what she was thinking. And I realized sadly, that we never do understand what it is like to be someone else. Nor do we ever seem to be quite able to accept that truth, feeling glibly omniscient despite the limitations of flesh and bone. Especially with children. But we really never know.
She stood twisting an overall strap. "Would you read that book again?"
"Which book is that?"
"The one about the little boy who tamed the fox."
I smiled. "Yeah, I"ll read it."
CHAPTER 13.
MARCH CAME IN BREEZY AND WARM, A welcome relief for the winter-weary North. The snow finally melted, and cool, brown mud rose through the gra.s.s from all the water. We were all anxious for spring that year. It had been a hard winter with more snow and cold than we usually received.
March was also peaceful as far as school went; as peaceful as one got in a cla.s.s like mine. There were no vacations, no disruptions to cause friction, no unexpected changes. The migrant population was coming up from the South, the camp swelling to meet their influx. Teachers in the lounge groused because migrant kids were finding their way into their cla.s.ses, but I had nothing to worry about in that way. The return of the workers, however, had a strange sad-sweet effect on Anton. When the first few trucks filled with migrants began arriving, Anton did not mention it but he became quieter and more distracted. I finally asked him about it. I was wondering if he were nostalgic for that less enc.u.mbered life-style.
He had smiled when I asked. Smiled and looked at me in the compa.s.sionate way one does when an issue is completely beyond the other"s comprehension. Then he drew up one of the tiny chairs and dropped his huge frame in it. No, he explained to me, he did not miss the migrant lifestyle. There was nothing about living that way for a man to miss. He smiled again, more to himself than to me. What was affecting him, he said, was realizing how much he had changed since the trucks had rumbled out in the autumn. How different from them he had become. How he had never noticed the changing until now. Like Rip van Winkle must have felt upon awaking, he said, then gave a laugh of disbelief. He hadn"t even known who Rip van Winkle was last year and now had more in common with Rip than with his own people.
I watched him as he talked. I studied the dark Latin features, the angular bones, the physical stigmata of a hard life too early. We both had changed, in ways I could not quite give words to, but which were no less immense for lack of expression. I was awed that we could have such vast effect on each other"s lives and for the most part never realize it, certainly not while it was happening. For several minutes we sat looking at one another, openly, admiringly, the taboo on staring temporarily suspended. So many differences: our backgrounds, our s.e.x, our education, so much. Yet somehow, in some way, we had managed to touch each other. That flicker of understanding silenced the two of us as we sat at the table. There was no need for words.
Like the daffodils, Sheila bloomed in spite of the harsh winter. Each day she was back showing more and more improvement. Within the limits of her situation she was now always quite clean. She would come bounding in each morning, wash her face and brush her teeth. She paid close attention to how she looked, inspecting her image carefully in the mirror. We experimented with new hairstyles. After school some days we played beauty shop. I let her work with my long hair and in turn I was allowed to play with hers, devising new ways to braid, or style it. She had become a truly handsome child, evoking comment from the other teachers.
Sarah and Sheila had become fast friends and I caught them sending notes during cla.s.s occasionally. Sheila had gone home with Sarah to play on several occasions after school before her bus came. And Sheila and Guillermo played together at the migrant camp. Tyler was a bit too much of a prissy for Sheila"s taste, and she would rebuff Tyler"s motherly attentions. I was pleased to see that she generally attracted the favor of the children in the cla.s.s.
Academically Sheila sailed. She willingly did almost anything I gave her to do. A paper was occasionally destroyed, but only very occasionally. If it happened twice a week, that was the exception. Even at that she had learned to come up and ask for another one. I had her working on third grade reading material and fourth grade math. Both were considerably below her ability level, but because of her deprived background and her fear of failure, I felt it was better to keep her in work which could cement her knowledge and confidence more solidly.
She was still overly sensitive about correction, going off into great sulks or heartrending sighs if she made a mistake. Some days seemed worse than others in that respect and she would spend the whole day with her head buried in her arms in dismal despair over missing one math problem. But as a rule there were not many disasters. With a bit of extra cuddling and rea.s.surance she would usually try again.
Oddly enough in my mind, our falling out over my two days" absence did not appear to have adverse effects on Sheila"s emotional stability. For a few days after my return she resorted to hanging on to me again, but soon after, abandoned that behavior. Never again did she do it. We talked a lot about that incident. She seemed to need to rehash the event over and over and over. I had left her. I had come back. She had gotten angry and destructive. I had gotten angry and lost my temper. I had told her I was wrong and I was sorry. Each little piece of the drama she wanted to discuss again and again, telling me how she"d felt, what had made her throw up that day, how she"d been scared. The saga was repeated over and over and over until I thought I would never hear the end of it. It held some secret significance that I did not fully understand and the ritualistic retelling seemed to rea.s.sure her. Certainly the fact that I had come back was important, but that was not the only facet she dwelled upon. That we had been angry with each other and weathered that appeared equally significant in her mind. Perhaps she felt a.s.sured to have seen me at my worst. She could trust me now, knowing what I was like even when I was upset with her. Whatever it was, she was learning to solve her problems verbally. No longer did she need physical contact; words were enough.
Oddly, the destructiveness all but disappeared after the event of my absence and return. When she became angry, which she still did with great regularity, she did not fly into a rage, throwing things to the floor and rampaging about. Revenge was becoming less important. When I thought about it, I wished I could have fully understood the importance of that incident because in many ways it greatly altered Sheila"s behavior. But the full picture always remained a mystery. Sheila still had a lot of problems, but they were becoming more readily solved and much more manageable.
One of the things which still puzzled me was her language. Visiting her father had substantiated that her peculiar speech patterns with the lack of past tense and overuse of "be" did not come from home. As bright as she was, I could not fathom why she persisted in speaking so oddly, although as time pa.s.sed she did appear to be using more normal speech. During March I decided to finally ask her about it, pointing out that some words were said differently if you were talking about something that happened yesterday. She was surprisingly antagonistic toward my comments, saying that I understood her, didn"t I? When I said yes, I did, she asked me what did it matter how she talked if I understood her? That took me off-guard because it made me feel that the behavior was more premeditated than I had previously thought.
No one had any suggestions on the matter. All the speech experts to whom I sent tapes answered saying it was a dialect and often asking if she were black. When I replied that no, she wasn"t, and no, it wasn"t a family dialect, they had no other ideas. One night Chad and I were discussing it and he suggested that perhaps by not using the past tense, she was trying to keep everything anch.o.r.ed in the present where she could keep better control of things. The more I pondered that, the more possible it seemed. In the end, I concluded it was a psychologically based problem and let it go at that. We did understand what she was saying and perhaps someday she would feel comfortable enough to want to change. Right now, though, she did not.
The issue still uppermost in Sheila"s mind was abandonment. She was preoccupied with her mother and her brother, where they were and what they were doing. Often her conversations were punctuated with comments to the effect that if she could have done this thing or that thing better, maybe her family would still be intact. In my mind this was all directly tied to her intense fear of failure.
One night after school Sheila had busied herself doing math problems. She loved math and excelled in it beyond all other areas. From the time she had arrived, she could do basic multiplication and division problems. Together we had worked out the more complicated techniques. She had discovered a dittoed exam from one of the fifth grade cla.s.ses in a trash can at recess and brought it in to do after school.
When she had finished it, Sheila came over to show it to me. The problems were in division of fractions. This was not an area we had ever covered. Consequently all the problems were wrong because she had not inverted the divisor.
"Here"s this. Is it done good?" she asked, handing it to me to look at.
Regarding the paper, I wondered whether or not I should point out the error. "Sheil, I want to show you something." On the back of the paper I drew a circle and divided it into four parts. "Now, if I wanted to know how many eighths were in it..." She immediately perceived that the way she was solving the problem would not give the correct answer.
"I done them wrong, didn"t I?"
"You didn"t know, kiddo. No one showed you."
She flopped down beside me and put her face in her hands. "I wanted to do them right and show you I could do them without help."
"Sheil, it"s nothing to get upset about."
She sat for a few moments covering her face. Then slowly her hands slid away and she uncrumpled the paper which she had mashed. "I bet if I could have done math problems good, my Mama, she wouldn"t leave me on no highway like she done. If I could have done fifth grade math problems, she"d be proud of me."
"I don"t think math problems have anything to do with it, Sheila. We really don"t know why your Mama left. She probably had all sorts of troubles of her own."
"She left because she don"t love me no more. You don"t go leaving kids you love on the highway. And I cut my leg. See?" For the hundredth time the scar was displayed to me. "If I"d been a gooder girl, she wouldn"t have done that. She might still love me even now, if I could have been gooder."
"Sheil, we don"t really know that. It was a bad thing, but it"s over. I don"t think your being good or bad had anything to do with it. Your Mama had her own problems to straighten out. I think she loved you a lot; mamas generally do. I think she just couldn"t cope with having a little girl right then."
"But she copeded with Jimmie. How come she tooked Jimmie and left me?"
"I don"t know, love."
Sheila looked over at me. That haunted, hurt expression was in her eyes. G.o.d, I thought, would I never fill that emptiness? Absently she twisted one pigtail. "I miss Jimmie."
"I know you do."
"His birthday"s gonna be next week. He be five years old then and I never seen him since he be two. That do be an awful long time." She turned away from me and went to the window, staring out at the winter-wet March afternoon. "I miss Jimmie almost more than anything. I can"t forget him."
"I can tell that."
She turned to look at me. "Could we have a birthday party for him? On March twelfth, that be his birthday. Could we have a party like we have for Tyler when it be her birthday in February?"
"I don"t think so, kitten."
Her face fell and she shuffled back over to me. "Why not?"
"Because Jimmie isn"t here, Sheil. Jimmie lives clear out in California and not here with us."
"It could be just a little birthday party. Maybe just you and me and Anton. Just after school maybe."
I shook my head.
"But I want to."
"I know you do."
"Then why not? Just a little, little party? Please?" Her face had puckered, her voice pleaded. "I"ll be your goodest girl. I won"t mess up any other math papers."
"That"s not the point, Sheila. I"m saying no because Jimmie isn"t here anymore. Jimmie"s gone. As much as it hurts to think about, Jimmie may not be coming back. I know you miss him a terribly lot, kitten, but I don"t think it"s a good idea to keep remembering him the way you are. All it does is hurt you."
She covered her face with her hands.
"Sheil, come here and let me hold you." Without removing her hands she came and I lifted her into my lap. "I know you feel awful about this. I can just feel you hurt from sitting here. It"s a very hard thing you have to do."
"I miss him." Her voice broke with a dry sob and she clutched at my shut, shoving her face into my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "I just want him to be here."