The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when first I knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarra.s.sed.
"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary pa.s.serby would think that my rose looked just like you - the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become b.u.t.terflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."
And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye," he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose-" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."
Sheila slid off my lap and turned around, getting on her knees so that she could look directly into my eyes. "You be "sponsible for me. You tame me, so now you be "sponsible for me?"
For several moments I looked into her fathomless eyes. I was not certain what she was asking me. She reached up and put her arms around my neck, not releasing me from her gaze.
"I tame you a little bit too, huh? You tame me and I tame you. And now I do be "sponsible for you too, huh?"
I nodded. She let go of me and sat down. For a moment she lost herself, tracing a design on the rug with her finger.
"Why you do this?" she asked.
"Do what, Sheil?"
"Tame me."
I did not know what to say.
Her water blue eyes rose to me. "Why you care? I can"t never figure that out. Why you want to tame me?"
My mind raced. They had never told me in my education cla.s.ses or my child-psych cla.s.ses that there would be children like this one. I was unprepared. This seemed like one of those moments when if I could only say the right thing...
"Well, kiddo, I don"t have a good reason, I guess. It just seemed like the thing to do."
"Do it be like the fox? Do I be special now "cause you tame me? Do I be a special girl?"
I smiled. "Yeah, you"re my special girl. It"s like the fox says, now that I made you my friend, you"re unique in all the world. I guess I always wanted you for my special girl. I guess that"s why I tamed you to begin with."
"Do you love me?"
I nodded.
"I love you too. You be my special best person in the whole world."
Sheila scrunched herself down and around, lying on the carpet with her head resting on my thigh. She fiddled with a piece of lint she had found on the floor. I prepared to read again.
"Torey?"
"Yes?"
"You ain"t never gonna leave me?"
I touched her bangs brushing them back. "Well, someday, I reckon. When the school year is over and you go on to another cla.s.s and another teacher. But not before then and that"s a long time away."
She shot up. "You be my teacher. I ain"t never gonna have another teacher."
"I"m your teacher now. But someday we"ll be finished."
She shook her head; her eyes had clouded. "This here be my room. And I do be gonna be in here forever."
"It won"t be for a long time yet. When the time comes, you"ll be ready."
"No sir. You tame me; you be "sponsible for me. You can"t never leave me cause you be "sponsible for me forever. It says so right there, and that"s what you done to me, so it"s your fault that I got tame."
"Hey honey," I pulled her into my lap. "Don"t worry about it."
"But you gonna leave me," she said accusingly, pulling out of my hold. "Just like my Mama done. And Jimmie. And everybody. My Pa, he would if they wouldn"t put him in jail for it. He telled me that. You do be just like everybody else. You leave me too. Even after you tame me and I not ask you to."
"It won"t be that way, Sheila. I"m not leaving you. I"m staying right here. When the year is over things will change, but I won"t leave you. Just like it says in the story, the little prince tamed the fox and now he"s gone, but really he"s always going to be with the fox because every time the fox sees the wheat fields he thinks of the little prince. He remembers how much the little prince loved him. That"s how it"ll be with us. We"ll always love each other. Going away is easier then, because every time you remember someone who loves you, you feel a little bit of their love."
"No you don"t. You just miss them."
I reached an arm out to her, bringing her close once again. She wasn"t going to be convinced. "Well, it"s a little too hard to think about right now. You"re not ready to leave and I won"t leave you. Someday you will be ready and it"ll be easier."
"No, I won"t. I won"t never be ready."
I was rocking her in my arms, holding her very tightly. This was too scary a thing for her right now. I did not know how to treat the issue because the time would come when she would have to leave, either when the state hospital had an opening or at the end of the school year in June. I already suspected my cla.s.s would not exist the next year for a number of reasons. There was no use hoping that I would have her beyond the end of the year. So the time was coming and I did not know if in four short months she would feel much differently than she did right now.
Sheila let me rock her. She was studying my face. "Will you cry?"
"When?"
"When you leave?"
"Remember what the fox said? "One runs the risk of weeping, if one lets himself be tamed." He"s right. One cries a little. Every time someone goes away, you cry a little. Love hurts sometimes. Sometimes it makes you cry."
"I cry about Jimmie and my Mama. But my Mama, she don"t love me none."
"I don"t know about that. That happened before I knew you and I never met your Mama. But I can"t imagine that she didn"t love you some. It"s very hard not to love your kids."
"But she leaved me on the highway. You don"t do that to your kids if you love them. Pa, he tell me that."
"Like I said, Sheila, I don"t know. I don"t know who"s right. But it isn"t always that way. I"m never going to leave you in that way. When school is over and you go somewhere else, we"ll still be together, even if we don"t see each other. Because like the fox said, every time he saw a wheat field he thought of the little prince. So in a special way the little prince was with him. That"s the way it"ll be with us."
"I don"t want no wheat fields. I want you."
"But that"s special too, Sh.e.l.l. At first we"ll be a little sad, but it"ll get better and then it"ll be good. Every time we think of the other, we will feel nice inside. You see, there won"t ever be enough miles to make us forget how happy we"ve been. Nothing can take away your memories."
She pushed her face into me. "I don"t want to think about it."
"No, you"re right. This isn"t the time to worry about it. It"s a long ways away. In the meantime, we"ll think of other things."
CHAPTER 11.
ALTHOUGH I HAD CEASED TO BE OBSESSED with our paperwork war, it was never completely out of my mind. First, I had a hard time keeping Sheila busy without needing one of the adults with her constantly. I also worried that she would not be acceptable to a regular cla.s.s teacher if she would never do any worksheets or workbooks. While in my cla.s.s we could get away with it, a regular teacher with twenty-five other children and an academic schedule to keep would never be able to afford such frivolity. Finally, I worried that she was finding out that her current method kept a lot of adult attention focused on her. She was perfectly capable of answering almost any question we thought up for her, but she thrived on capturing Anton, Whitney or me and reciting her answers. This was not particularly acceptable behavior even in my room.
I still had no firm idea why she was so negative about paperwork. I suspect that it had something to do with failure. If she never committed anything to paper, it was impossible to prove that she ever made a mistake. And Sheila fell apart when she did make an error and was corrected, regardless of how gentle the correction was. I had an awful suspicion from random comments she made that once she had taken a paper home and had had a bad encounter with her father regarding it. But she had a large number of bad encounters with him, so I doubted that that alone accounted for her phobia. Perhaps she simply was bright enough to figure out that this method saved her a lot of work and got her the attention she craved. I did not usually think that, because there were a lot of easier ways for a bright child to achieve the same end. After a particularly hectic day, though, Anton expressed those sentiments.
However, there was one thing Sheila seemed to be finding more and more irresistible. I encouraged a great amount of creative writing in cla.s.s. The children kept journals in which they recorded what they felt, things that happened to them and other important events in their lives. Often when I tangled with a child and one or both of us got angry, the child had learned that one place for expression was in the journal. Thus, kids were scribbling in their journals on and off all day. Each night I went through and left notes or comments to the children about what they had written. It was a personal communication and we each valued the opportunity to find out how the other felt. In a similar manner I had formal writing a.s.signments almost daily in which the children wrote on an a.s.signed topic. I had found that after the children learned to write easily and to a.s.sociate words with the feelings they could evoke, all of them, even Susannah, could express themselves in some instances better on paper than face-to-face. So in our room a great amount of written correspondence took place.
Needless to say, Sheila, with her distaste for paper, did not write. This seemed to bother her a bit. She would crane her neck to see what the other kids were writing, or wander close to them during creative writing time, instead of going over to the reading corner or somewhere to play as she was supposed to. Finally, a day came in mid-February when her curiosity got the better of her.
She came over to me after I had handed out the sheets for writing. "I might write something, if you give me a piece of paper."
I looked down at her. It occurred to me that I might be able to swing the whole paperwork issue around to my side with a little reverse psychology. So I shook my head. "No, this is paperwork. You don"t do paperwork, remember?"
"I might do this."
"No, I don"t think so. I can"t risk wasting any more paper on you. You wouldn"t like it anyway. You go play. That"s more fun."
She wandered away for a few moments. Then she came back. I was leaning over William helping him spell a word. Sheila tugged on my belt. "I wanna do it, Torey."
I shook my head. "No, you don"t. Not really."
"Yes, I do."
Ignoring her, I went back to William.
"I won"t waste no paper."
"Sheila, writing is for kids who do paperwork. Now you don"t do it, so writing isn"t for you."
"I could do some paperwork. A little bit, maybe, if I could have a piece of paper to write on."
I shook my head. "No, you don"t like it. You"ve told me that yourself. You don"t have to do it. Go play now, so I can help William."
She remained standing beside me. After a few moments of not getting results, she went and asked Anton. "Torey"s got the paper," he said, pointing in my direction. "You"ll have to ask her."
"She won"t give me none."
He shrugged and rolled his big brown eyes. "Well, then I"m sorry for you. I don"t have any paper you can use."
Sheila came back to me. She was getting angry with me and trying not to show it. "I want you to give me a piece of paper, Torey. Now, gimme it."
I raised an eyebrow in warning.
She gave a frustrated stomp with one foot and shoved out her lower lip. I bent back over William.
She changed tactics. "Please? Please? I won"t wreck it. I won"t tear it up. Cross my heart and hope to die. Please?"
I regarded her. "I can"t believe you. Maybe if you do some papers for me tomorrow and I see you don"t tear them up, then I"ll give you writing paper during creative writing tomorrow afternoon."
"I want it now, Torey."
"I know you do. But you show me I can trust you and you can have some tomorrow. We"re almost out of time today anyhow."
She eyed me carefully, trying to determine a way to make me give in. "If you give me paper I"ll write something you don"t know about me. I"ll write you something secret."
"You write me something secret tomorrow."
At that she gave a grunt of anger and stalked off across the room to the other table. She pulled out a chair very loudly and sat down with great emphasis. Little snorts punctuated the air. I smiled inwardly. She was cute when she was mad, now that she was learning to handle it more appropriately. Giving me absolutely black stares, she remained at the other table.
After a few moments I wandered over in her direction. "I suppose, if you write fast, I could give you a piece of paper today."
She looked up expectantly.
"Except you can"t tear it up."
"I won"t."
"What will we do if you do tear it up?"
"I won"t. I said I won"t. I promise."
"Are you going to do other papers for me, if I give you this one?"
She nodded emphatically.
"You"ll do your math paper?"
She frowned in exasperation. "I ain"t gonna have no time left if you keep talking to me all day."
I grinned and handed her a piece of paper. "This better be a good secret."