I managed to focus through the rest of the road until it arrived at the last campus where i am goin to take my mid-term test. Outside the testing room I met friends and acquaintance, the one that I am sure are my friends but sometimes I couldn"t help but to though, do they really think of me as a friend? Do they really care about me at all? Do I matter?"Does it really matter?"
A voice sounded again. Yeah, does it really matter asking those question, it"s not like they will give me the answer even if I asked them. At least not a straight one.
Then I looked again at the man here and think, maybe just like in the dark fictional world I have read again and again those men mostly think with head full of l.u.s.t while maintaining that façade on their face, trying to steal what other"s and avoid being stolen.
I sigh and dived back to this book of mine before I finished it in minutes, honestly, it"s because I rarely takes notes only the most important one. Then suddenly I saw Shirley, someone who I think I have a crush one but I don"t really know considering that I just met her weeks ago or I just have a ponytail fetish, anyway she sat beside me and I made a small talk with her.
"Hey, Shirley have you studied ever since that preparation for mid-test?" I ask as I am truly curious whenever this smart and sporty looking girl have studied.
She laughed a little before saying with a small smile "Yeah, I have but only once yesterday"s night."
I then tried to find some more topic to talk about but as socially awkward I am, I can"t so I did what I usually did before the test "Shirley, can you lend me your notes, I think mine is incomplete."
She nodded seemingly content with playing with her phone and handing me the notes and it blew me because she have a very complete notes, every exercise, examples, the explanation on the PowerPoint that I could download to review but didn"t bother, the ever fast moving lecture, she had them all.
I looked again at the girl that is playing with her phone, well I don"t know whenever I liked her or not but she certainly pleasant to look at.
Soon her friends come and I inched farther from her to let her friend sat on the bench. It was a good note I smiled, as I smile, I couldn"t help but to allows my mind to be distracted and a question formed in my mind.
"What if she is actually a b.i.t.c.h like in those NTR bad hentai manga?"
Even though there is not indication who "she" is but I know it was Shirley, does it really matter.
"Of course it does, you always a.s.sume, you a.s.sume your high school crush to be still single and you are crushed by the fact she already had a boyfriend, you a.s.sume that your that people are kind, simple, and so only to be crushed by the complexity behind the violence in your family, the separation that makes you suspect others."
I frowned, is this me or does it seem the answer is getting longer and complexes. I don"t know when or why but at some point, in my life those question popped out along with response of my answers, it accompanied me for years, maybe?
But there is no point thinking more about this, I can"t read her mind, I can"t understand people, I want the humanity to be just simple.
"But humanity is complex right, there is no completely right, there is no completely wrong."
Yeah, that"s why I hated interacting with people yet I desire it to banish my loneliness.
I just directed my mind to the notes, absentmindedly reading it over and over before the lecturer that is a.s.signed to this test allowed us to go in.
I hand the notes back to Shirley before pulling my phones back to be sure of my seat number, I hobbled there and pulled out the things I need before shoving it under the chair.
After doing that I went to the toilet and went back with the Questions already on my seat. So I peacefully worked on the mathematical Question but after finishing the first question I couldn"t help but to have my mind to wander, yeah, my mind wander a lot in important events or not.
What"s the point of all of this?
"To get the score."
But is it really useful in real life?
"That is for you to experience."
Why-
"Why can"t human be just so simple?"
"Because we are human."
Yes, it is complex because we are human. We destroy each other pointlessly, we do many things stupidly, but that is also the reason we advance. But why is it so hard to be-
"Connected."
Loving.
"Each other."
Why can"t we all be just connected.
"Why can"t we all be just connected."
I know I am being melodramatic and it"s all useless after all in the end it"s nothing but a thought.
I once again begin to work over my questions. By the time I was into the last and 4th question I person was already finished and is handing over it.
I worked on my 4th question again but as I finished it, the second person already handed it in. I looked over the 4th question and I made the second way of solving this problem with pencil, and I got different answer, I wonder why, the difference was so small only + and – difference but the value is the same.
"Look closer."
I looked over everything but I couldn"t find any mistake, it was perfect the addition, subtraction, multiplication, division-
"Remember."
I looked over the first way and I remembered in this way there is a need to multiplicate it with + and – in an order. After I fixed it the answer became the same, I smiled and I felt as if someone patted me in the head, but I looked around and saw nothing.
Yeah, it"s already normal to me just like sometimes I have an erection out of nothing. I walked with a smile on my face and handed the paper to the lecturer when I went back to my seat and looked at the person behind me, someone that I could call acquaintance and I saw that the equation for the number 4 is really long on his paper, he is using the way number 1 I told him sneakily that it"s actually not that long.
Whenever he understands or not, listening or not, it"s not my problem I just want to feel as if I am helping. Yes, it is for my selfishness and once again I felt as if something slapped the back of my head.