Paranoia : Split Self

I took out three of my phone, although it sounds amazing it wasn"t, one of them have its LCD broken with a black line in the middle of the phone always present but sometimes the screen flashed with various light as If it was a dis...o...b..ll, the other one is the one that I have been using since my first year in junior high school, the last one is the normal one. I connected my phone to the campus"s WIFI and logged in one by one to my alternate account.

Sometimes I got a glance from peoples who is pa.s.sing by me looking at me holding a phone in each hand with the third one on my laps. I wonder what are they thinking when they looked at me in that pa.s.sing moment? What do they think of a man who they just met or have seen somewhere they don"t even remember? Will they think of me badly? Or will they think of me as some kind of scion that could afford three phones?

"It doesn"t matter."

"Hahaha…" I laughed a little, yeah it doesn"t matter I spend to much time thinking of this repeatedly. Besides many other people bought more phones than I have and the one I am using is hand downs from my parents when they bought a new one.

Sometimes later I felt someone is tapping my head and I looked around, this time it is really someone who did that, someone who I could say I regard as "friend" he smiled and waved at me before disappearing into the first floor.

Well it"s nice, to have someone smile at you without you being the first one to do so. I smiled too continuing logging in logging into my alternate account grabbing my daily rewards.

After I finished doing that, I couldn"t help but to think again. Am I handsome? Of course not, without the answer popping out I already know the answer but am I considered even attractive to others?

"Yes, you are"

Even so I doubted that but as I think that I continued down the stairs and went into the shuttle stop and it seems my "friend" have gone back to his residence.

I plug in the headset into my normal phone before tuning the sound to be a little over the warned volume and I played the anime music on.

I watched the world goes on as I hear the blasting music full of pleasantness as it separates myself and the voice in the world. I looked over to the group of… people gathering around on one side. I looked over to a couple of a guy and a woman. I looked over to the woman that sat alone there too. I close my eyes and felt the music.

I closed my eyes until I felt some kind of vibrations on the ground, from my experience of missing the shuttle a few times the past few days I know that this is the vibrations because people is standing up or walking up all the sudden, because the shuttle is here.

I opened my eyes and as I guessed it is here. I sat on the shuttle closing my eyes again listening to the anime opening and ending while feeling the shaking of the shuttle moving. After a while the shuttle stopped and shake a great deal , from my experience of indulged in music and sitting on the shuttle until the driver shakes me awake, I know that we just arrived before my our residence and I opened my eyes and it"s correct.

I said my thanks to the driver before I went back to the boy"s tower and went to the 5th floor where my room is. A few weeks ago, my roommate for unknown reason choose to switch into a single room leaving the double room for me alone.

I don"t know why but I felt just profoundly tired all the sudden and as usual after I placed my bag down I… striped down but today I did something different than the usual, I didn"t immediately jumped at my bed reading novels or playing CoD, I starred at the mirror just right behind the door, usually I just glanced it off and paid it no mind.

This time, I stopped. In front of the mirror reflected the ugly self of mine there I saw a gla.s.ses man with red pimples here and there on various part of his upper body, his body couldn"t be said fat but it"s not flat either, the nipple that makes it as if it"s a woman"s as the result of being fat as a child, the d.i.c.k that is less than 15cm that he thought really small but after searching the Go*gle he thought the same.

i traced all the bad parts of himself, the red pimples, the smelly armpit, the small d.i.c.k, the hairy a.s.s, the fatty tight, yes no matter what i thought I am someone who will never be called handsome.

Then I plopped down on my bed and rarely as it"s not time to sleep or waking up, I close my eyes and begin to think.

Why are you not trying to improve yourself?

Yes, I ask myself, truly myself.

Why did you waste your time reading all those useless things?

I dissed myself for no reason.

Why are you not practicing your programming skills?

Because I want to read novels.

Why are not trying to change yourself, in that very aspect!

Because I love that part of myself.

But you also hatted that part of yourself don"t you, why don"t you just die so that your organs can be used for donors so that-

My thought that is rapidly spiralling into the negativity was interrupted by the warmness that I felt settling around me as if someone is hugging me from behind and that someone is slowly stroking my head.

"Don"t worry didn"t your mother said you are handsome" yes indeed she did "Don"t worry your d.i.c.k is not the smallest one and it"s at least functional" slowly the voice changed from the one similar to mine to a softer one, more… feminine "Don"t worry there are thousands, if not millions more people doing more useless hobbies than yours perhaps a billion others is doing the same as what you are doing" that is right but- "At least you are trying, trying to do something… at least and your life is still not set yet" really? I wondered as I looked at my current life. "What you really are lacking are only confidence, what if that many times in many test you didn"t hesitate and changed your answer because someone who finished first glanced at your answer sheet and sneered." Indeed I would have gotten 100 "What if that time you just punched that gut in the face, perhaps you would be more respected and you most likely won"t be crowned with that embarra.s.sing t.i.tle the whole high school you had." Yeah, actually right now I felt as if I will punch him in the face if I saw him "Now, step forward toward the mirror and looked at yourself once more"

Then I felt as if someone is tugging my hand, trying to drag me from my bed toward the mirror but there is no one there.