_October 2._
I HAVE been seeing Philadelphia. Mr. Lee teasingly told me that most newcomers want to "do" the city so he and Virginia would take me round.
They took me to see all the places I studied about in history cla.s.s.
I"ve done the Betsy Ross House, Franklin"s Grave, Old Christ Church and Old Swede"s Church. I like them all. Best of all I like Independence Hall, with its wonderful stairways and wide window sills and, most important, its grand old Liberty Bell and its history.
Yesterday Mr. Lee took me to Memorial Hall in Fairmount Park. I like the pictures and oh, I looked long at a white marble statue of Isaac, his hands bound for the sacrifice. The face is beautiful. Royal Lee was amused at my interest in it and took me off to see the rare Chinese vases. We wandered around among the cases of gla.s.sware and then I found a case with valuable Stiegel gla.s.s, made in my own Lancaster County. I was proud of that! We went through Horticultural Hall and stopped to see the lovely sunken gardens, with their fall flowers.
I like to go about with Royal Lee. He is so efficient. Crowds seem to fall back for him. He has the attractive, masterful personality that everybody recognizes. I feel a reflected glory from his presence. We have grown to be great friends in an amazingly short time. Our music, our appreciation of each other"s ability, has strengthened the bond between us. Mrs. Lee sends me many invitations for dinner and week-ends in her beautiful home, so that Mr. Lee and I are already well acquainted. He has asked me to call him Royal and if he might call me Phbe. I"ve told him all about my life on the farm, my friends up there, and the plans and dreams of my heart. He likes to tease me and call me a little Quakeress, but I don"t enjoy that for he does it in a way I don"t like. It sounds as if he"s scoffing at the plain people. When I told him about the meeting house and described the service he laughed and said that a religion like that might do for a little country place but it would never do in a city. I bridled at that and tried to tell him about the wholesome, useful lives those people up home lead, how much good a woman like Mother Bab can do in the world. But he could not be easily convinced. He thinks they are crude and narrow. When I told him they are lovely and fine he challenged me and asked if I am willing to wear plain clothes and renounce all pleasures, jewelry and becoming raiment. I had to tell him I"m not ready for that yet, and he smiled triumphantly. He predicted I"ll play cards and dance before the winter ends. I don"t like him when he"s so flippant. I want to be loyal to my home teaching but I see more clearly every day how great is the difference between the pleasures sanctioned by my people and those Virginia and her friends enjoy. There"s a mystery somewhere I can"t solve. Like Omar, I "evermore come out at the same door where in I went."
_October 29._
To-day we went for a long drive along the Wissahickon. The woods are bronze and scarlet now. The wild asters made me homesick for Lancaster County. I wanted to get out of the car and walk but Virginia and her friends wouldn"t join me. I wanted to bury my nose in the goldenrod and asters--and get hay fever, one of the girls told me--and I just ached to push my way through the tangled bushes along the road and let the golden leaves of the hickory and beeches brush my face. It seems that most city people I have met don"t know how to enjoy nature. They have a nodding-from-a-motor-acquaintance with it but I like a real handshake-friendship with it. I just wished David were here to-day! He"d have taken my hand and run me to the top of the hill and picked a branch of scarlet maple to carry with my goldenrod and asters. Well, I can"t have the penny and the cake. I want to be in the city, of course that"s the thing I most desire at present--I really am having a good time.
In the evening we went to Holy Trinity Church. The organ recital gripped my soul. I wanted it to last for hours. And yet when it was over and the rector stood before us and preached one of his impressive sermons I was just as much interested as I had been in the music. There"s a feeling of restful calm comes to me in a big dim church with stained gla.s.s windows. We stopped in the Cathedral one day last week. That is a wonderful place, too. I like the idea of having churches open all the time for prayer and meditation. I"m learning so many new ideas these days. If I ever do wear the plain dress I"m sure of one thing, I"ll be broad-minded enough to respect the beliefs of other persons.
_November 11._
I can put another red mark on my calendar. I heard the great Irish Tenor! Glory, what a voice! It"s the kind can echo in your ears to your dying day and follow you with its sweetness everywhere you go! I have been humming those lovely Irish songs all day.
But before the recital my heart was heavy. I have no evening gown, no evening wrap, so I couldn"t join the box party to which one of Virginia"s friends invited us. I meant to stay at home and not break up the party, but Royal insisted upon buying two tickets in a section of the opera house where a plainer dress would do. In the end I allowed myself to be persuaded by him and we two went to the recital alone. When that tenor voice sounded through the place I forgot all about my limited wardrobe. I could hear him sing if I were dressed in calico and think of nothing but his singing.
_November 12._
I wrote letters to-day. Mother Bab and David write such lovely ones to me that I have to try hard to keep up my end of it. Sometimes David tells me he is anxious to supply me with the beet juice, cream and flour whenever I"m ready to begin the prima donna act. I can hear his laugh when I read the letter. Sometimes he"s serious and talks about the crops of their farm and tells me the community news like an old grandmother.
Phares Eby writes me an occasional letter, a stilted little note that sounds just like Phares. It always has some good advice in it. Aunt Maria"s letters and daddy"s come every week. I"d feel lost without them.
I like to feel that everybody I care for at home is interested in and cares for me even if I am in Philadelphia.
CHAPTER XXI
DIARY--CHRYSALIS
_December 3._
I"M as miserable as any mortal can be! Oh, I"m still having a good time going around seeing the city, visiting the stores and museums, practicing hard in music, pleasing my teacher. But just the same, I"m not happy. The reason is this: I want pretty gowns like Virginia wears, I want to dance and play cards and see real plays. I dare say I"m a contemptible sinner to want all that after the way I"ve been brought up.
I ought to be satisfied with all the wonderful things I enjoy in this big city but I"m not.
Last week Virginia entertained the Bridge Club and tried to persuade me to learn to play and come to the party. Royal was provoked about it. He thinks I should learn to play. I told him I should have no peace if I learned to do such things.
"Peace," he scorned, "no one has peace these days. The whole world is in a turmoil. Do you think your little Quaker-like girls of Lancaster County have peace these days?"
"They have peace of mind and conscience."
"But that," he said, "is the peace that touches those who live in selfish solitude. The virtue that dwells in the hearts of those who retire into hermitages is a negative virtue."
"You speak like a seer, a philosopher," I told him.
"Like a rational human being, I hope," he said petulantly. "But the thoughts are not original. I am merely echoing the opinion of sane thinkers. I have no appreciation of the foolish and useless sacrifice you are persistently making. We were not put on this planet to be dull nuns and monks. We have red blood racing through our veins and were not intended for sluggishness."
"Yes--but----"
He went off peeved at my refusal to do as he wished.
What can I do? Shall I capitulate? I have wrestled with my desire for pleasure until I"m tired of the struggle. My old contentment has deserted me. I"m restless and dissatisfied, scarcely knowing what is right or wrong.
_Next day._
I"m happy again. Being on the fence grows mighty uncomfortable after a while, so I jumped across. I have decided to become a b.u.t.terfly!
I had luncheon to-day with Virginia. She had to run off to one of her Bridge Clubs so I offered to mend the lace on one of her gowns while she was gone. I was alone in the sitting-room that adjoins Virginia"s bedroom. I love that little sitting-room. Virginia and I spend many happy hours in it when we want to get away from everybody and have a long chat. I like its big comfortable winged chairs by the cheery open fire.
I dreamed a while before the fire, the gown across my knees. It"s a pink gown, that scarcely defined pink of a sea sh.e.l.l. Virginia had often tempted me to try it on and see how well I"d look in a dress of that kind. The temptation came to do it. I jumped up in sudden determination.
I _would_ put it on! I"d see for once how I looked in a real gown. I ran to Virginia"s room to the low dressing table. My hands trembled as I opened the tight coils of my hair and shook it until it seemed to nod exultingly. I fluffed the curls loosely over my forehead and twisted the hair into a fashionable knot. Then I took off my plain blue serge dress and slipped the pink one over my head. The soft draperies clung to me, the gossamer lace lay upon my breast like a silken mist. I was beautiful in that gown and I knew it. It was my hour of appreciation of my own charm.
Later I lifted the dress and saw my plain calfskin shoes. I smiled but soon grew sober as I thought that the incongruity between gown and shoes was no greater than that between the gown and the girl--the girl who was reared to wear plain clothes and be honest and unpretentious. But honesty--that is the rock to which I cling now. I am going to be honest with myself and have my share of happiness while I"m young.
I went back again to the fire, still wearing the borrowed gown. Virginia found me there several hours later. When she came in and saw me, a gorgeous b.u.t.terfly, she said, she was very happy. She would have me go down to her mother and Royal. I shrank from it but she said I might as well become accustomed to being stared at when I was so dazzling and beautiful. I went down, feeling almost as much of a culprit as I did the day Aunt Maria surprised me at playing prima donna and marched me in to the quilting party.
Mrs. Lee was lovely. She is sure I deserve to be happy in my youth.
Royal went mad. "Ye G.o.ds!" he cried as he ran to me and grasped my hands. "You take my breath away! You are like this!" He seized his violin and began to play the Spring Song. The quivering ecstasy of spring, the mating calls of robins and orioles, the rushing joy of bursting blossoms, the delicate perfume of violets and trailing arbutus, the dazzling shafts of sunlight pierced by silver showers of capricious April--all echoed in the melody of the violin.
"You are like that, that is you!" he said as he laid his instrument aside. His words were very sweet to me. The future beckons into sunlit paths of joy.
So I have departed from the teachings of my childhood and turned to the so-called vanities of the world. I am going to grasp my share of happiness while I can enjoy them.
When I went up-stairs again to take off the borrowed gown I was already planning the new clothes I want to buy. I must have a pink crepe georgette, a pale, pale blue--just as I"m writing this there flashes to my mind one of those old Memory Gems I learned in school on the hill.
"But pleasures are like poppies spread,-- You seize the flower, its bloom is shed; Or like the snow fall on the river, A moment white, then melts forever."
I wonder, is there always a fly in the ointment!
CHAPTER XXII
DIARY--TRANSFORMATION
_December 15._