A FEW days can make a difference in one"s life. I"m well on the way of being a real b.u.t.terfly. I have bought new dresses, a real evening gown and a lovely silk dress to wear to the Bridge Club. It"s lucky I saved my money these three months and had a nice surplus to buy these new things.
Royal is teaching me to play cards. He says I take to them like a duck to water. Virginia and he are giving me dancing lessons. I love to dance! The same spirit that prompted me to skip when I wore sunbonnets is now urging me on to the dance. In a few weeks I"ll be ready to join in the pleasures of my new friends. After the Christmas holidays the city will be gay until the Lenten season.
_January 5._
I went home for Christmas and I suppose I managed to make everybody there unhappy and worried. I couldn"t let them think I am the same quiet girl and not tell them about the cards and dancing. Daddy was hurt, but he didn"t scold me. He said plainly that he does not approve of my course, that he thinks cards and dancing wicked. He added that I had been taught the difference between right and wrong and was old enough to see it. Perhaps he thinks I"ll "run my horns off quicker" if I"m let go, as Aunt Maria often says about people. But she didn"t say that about me.
She made up for what daddy didn"t say. She begged him to make me stay at home away from the wicked influences of the city. I had the hardest time to keep calm and not say mean things to her. She"s ashamed of me and afraid people up there will find out how worldly I am. I had to tell Mother Bab too. I know I hurt her. She was so gentle and lovely about it that I felt half inclined to tell her I"d give up everything she didn"t approve of, just to please her. But I didn"t. I couldn"t do that when I know I"m not doing anything wrong. She changed the subject and inquired about my music. In that I was able to please her. She shared my joy when I told her of my critical music master"s approval of my progress. I sang some of my new songs for her and she kissed me with the same love and tenderness she has always had for me. I wonder sometimes whether I could possibly have loved my own mother more. Somehow, as I sat with her in her dear, cozy sitting-room I hated the cards and the dancing and half wished I had never left the farm. But that"s a narrow, provincial view to take. Now that I"m back again I"m caught once more in the whirl.
Everybody is entertaining, as if in a frantic endeavor to be surfeited before Lent and thus be able to endure the dullness of that period of suspended social activities. The harrowing tales of suffering France and Belgium have occasioned Benefit Teas and Benefit Bridges and Benefit Dances, all for the aid of the war sufferers. Royal usually takes me to the social affairs. I enjoy being with him. He"s the most entertaining man I ever met. He has traveled in Europe and all over our own country and can tell what he has seen. He attracts attention, whether he speaks or plays or is just silent. One day he said it would be a pleasure to travel with me, I enjoy things so and can appreciate their beauty. I could scarcely resist telling him how I"d enjoy traveling with a man like him. Oh, I dream wild dreams sometimes, but I really must stop doing that. The present is too wonderful to go borrowing joy from the future.
_February 2._
I"m all in a fl.u.s.ter. I have to write here what happened to-day. If I had a mother she could help and advise me but an adopted mother, even one as dear and near as Mother Bab, won"t do for such confidences.
Royal and I were sitting alone before the open fireplace. It"s a dangerous place to be! The glowing fire sends such weird shadows flickering up and down. Its living fire is sometimes an entreating Circe waking undesirable impulses, then again it"s a spirit that heals and inspires. I love an open fire but to-day I should have fled from it and yet--I think I"m glad I didn"t.
I looked up suddenly from the gleaming logs--right into the eyes of Royal. His voice startled me as he said, with the strangest catch in his voice, that my eyes are bluer than the skies. I tried to keep my voice ordinary as I lightly told him that some other person once told me they are the color of fringed gentians--could he improve on that?
"You little fairy!" he cried. "I can beat that! They are blue as bluebirds!" Then he went on impetuously, telling me I was a real bluebird of happiness, a bringer of joy; that the ancients called the bluebird the emblem of happiness, but he knew the blue of my eyes was the real joy sign--or something like that he said. It startled me. I tried to tell him he must not talk like that but my words were useless.
He went on to say that the world was bleak and unlovely till I came to Philadelphia and wouldn"t I tell him I care for him.
Of course I value his friendship and told him so. But he laughed and said I was a wise little girl but I couldn"t evade his question like that. He said frankly he doesn"t want my friendship, he wants my love, he must have it!
I felt like a helpless bird. I couldn"t answer him. He looked at me, a long, searching look. Then he pressed his thin lips together, and a moment later, threw back his head and laughed his low laugh.
"Little bluebird," he said softly, "I have frightened you and I wouldn"t do that for worlds! We"ll talk it over some other time, after you have had time to think about it. Shall I play for you?"
I nodded and he began to play. But the music didn"t soothe me as it usually does. There were too many confused thoughts in my brain. Did Royal really love me? I looked at his white hands with the long tapering nails and the shapely fingers and couldn"t help thinking of the strong, tanned hands of David Eby. I glanced at the handsome face of the musician with its magnetic charm--swiftly the countenance of my old playmate rose before me and then slowly faded: David, boyish and comradely; David, manly and strong, without ever a sneer or an unholy light upon his face. Could I ever forget him? Could I ever look into the face of any other man and call it the dearest in the whole world to me?
Ach--I shook my head and gathered my recreant wits together! I"d forget what he said and attribute it to the weird influence of the firelight.
I was glad Virginia came before Royal finished playing. She looked at us keenly. I suppose my face was flushed. But Royal seldom loses his outward calm. He answered her remarks in his casual way and listened with seeming interest to her plans for a pre-Lenten masquerade dance she wants to give. She has asked me to go dressed in a plain dress and white cap like Aunt Maria wears. I hesitated about it but she has done so much for me that I hate to refuse. So I"ve promised to go to the dance dressed in a plain dress and cap.
A little later when Royal left us alone Virginia began to speak about him. She said she"s so glad we have grown to be friends, in spite of the fact that he is so much older than I am. He"s thirty-seven, she told me.
I"m surprised at that. I never thought he"s so much older. She mentioned something, too, about his being rather a gay Don Juan. I don"t know just what she means. I"m sure he"s a gentleman. Perhaps she expected me to tell her what Royal said to me, but how could I do that when I think it was just an impulsive burst that he"s likely to forget by morning. If he really meant it--but I must stop dreaming all sorts of improbable dreams! I"ve had such a glorious time in Philadelphia just living and singing and working and playing that I wish it hadn"t happened. I"m frightened when I think that any serious questions might confront me here.
_February 10._
I guessed right when I thought that Royal would forget that foolish outburst. He has been perfectly lovely to me, taking me out and buying me flowers and telling me about his trips, but he hasn"t said one word more of sentimental nature. I"m surely getting my share of fun and pleasure these days. There are so many things to enjoy, so much to learn from my fellow-boarders and every one I meet, that the days are all too short. Between times I"m making a dress and cap for the masquerade dance. I hate sewing. I lost all love for it during my years of calico patching. But I don"t mind making the dress for I"m eager for the dance, my first masquerade party. I"m hoping for a good time.
CHAPTER XXIII
DIARY--PLAIN FOR A NIGHT
_February 21._
LAST night was the masquerade. I wore the plain gray dress, ap.r.o.n and cape and a white cap on my head. I felt rather like a hypocrite as I looked at myself in the gla.s.s, but Virginia said it was just the thing and certainly would not be duplicated by any other guest.
I was dressed early and started down the stairs, my black mask swinging from my hand. As I rounded a curve in the stairway I glanced casually down the wide hall. The colored servant had admitted visitors. I looked in that direction--the mask fell from my hand and I ran down the steps and into the arms of Mother Bab! I couldn"t say more than "Oh, oh!" as I kissed her over and over. When she got her breath she said happily, "Phbe, you"re plain!"
Oh, how it hurt me! I took her and David to a little nook off the library where we could be alone and then I had to tell her that I was wearing the plain dress and white cap as a masquerade dress. Even when I told her I learned to dance and do things she thinks are worldly there was no look of pain on her face like the look I brought there as I stood before her in a dress she reverenced and told her I wore it in a spirit of fun. I"ll never get over being sorry for hurting her like that. But Mother Bab rallies quickly from every hurt. She soon smiled and said she understood. David came to my aid. He a.s.sured his mother that they knew I could take care of myself and would not do anything really wrong. I couldn"t thank him for his kindness. I felt suddenly all weepy and tearful. But David began to talk on in his old friendly way and tell about the home news and about the Big Doctor he had taken Mother Bab to see in Philadelphia and how he hoped she would soon be able to see perfectly again. While he talked Mother Bab and I had a chance to recover a bit. I noted a quick shadow pa.s.s over her face as he spoke about her eyes--was she less hopeful about them than he was? Had the Big Doctor told her something David did not hear? But no! I dismissed the thought--Mother Bab could not go blind! She would never be asked to suffer that! I soon forgot my troublesome thoughts as she hastened to say that perhaps her eyes would improve more quickly than the doctor promised. Then she changed the subject--"Now, Phbe, I hope I didn"t hurt you about the dress. I guess I looked at you as if I wanted to eat you. I love you and wouldn"t hurt you for anything."
"Mother Bab!" I gave her a real hug like I used to do when I ran barefooted up the hill with some childish perplexity and she helped me.
"You"re an angel! Mother Bab, David, having a good time won"t hurt me.
Our views up home are too narrow. It"s all right to expect older people to do nothing more exciting than go to Greenwald to the store, to church every Sunday, to an occasional quilting or carpet-rag party, and to Lancaster to shop several times a year, but the younger generation needs other things."
"I guess you mean it can"t be Lent all the time for you," she suggested with a smile.
"I just knew you"d understand."
Just then Royal began to play and the music floated in to us. It was Traumerei. Mother Bab"s tired face relaxed as she leaned back to listen to the piercingly sweet melody. David looked at me--I knew he was asking whether the player was Royal Lee.
"Oh, Davie," Mother Bab said innocently as the music ended, "if only you could play like that!"
"If I could," he said half bitterly, "but all I can do is farm. Are you coming home this spring?" he asked me, as if to forget the violin and its player.
"I don"t know. I"ll probably stay here until early June. I may go away with Virginia for part of the summer."
"Not be home for spring and summer!" he said dismally. "Why, it won"t be spring without you! We can"t go for bird-foot violets or arbutus."
Arbutus--the name called up a host of memories to me. "How I"d like to go for arbutus this spring," I told him.
"Then come home in April and I"ll take you to Mt. Hope for some."
"Oh, David, will you?"
"I"d love to. We"ll drive up."
"I"ll come," I promised. "I"ll come home for arbutus. Let me know when they"re out."
"All right. But I think we must go now or we"ll miss the train."
"Go?" I echoed. "You"re not going home to-night? Can"t you stay? Mrs.
McCrea has vacant rooms. I"ve been so excited I forgot my manners. Let me take you to the sitting-room and introduce you to Mrs. Lee and Royal."
"Ach, no," Mother Bab protested. "We can"t stay that long. We just stopped in to see you."
David looked at his watch. "We must go now. There"s a train at eight-twenty-one gets to Lancaster at ten-forty-five and we"ll get the last car out to Greenwald and Phares will meet us and drive us home."
I asked about the home folks as I watched David adjust Mother Bab"s shawl. He looked older and worried. I suppose he was disappointed because the Big Doctor didn"t promise a quick cure for Mother Bab"s eyes.
As they said good-bye and left me I wanted to run after them and ask them to take me home, back to the simple life of my people. But I stayed where I was, the earthiest worldling in a dress of unworldliness.