This mixed pack she set right with a few taps, lining them up in a military row.
The audience waited.
"That"s all! Act"s over! Back to your seats!"
Snap! went her plain fingers.
The men, dismayed, sheepishly peering at each other, ambled off. She let them stumble half down the stairs into darkness, then yawned: "Haven"t you forgotten something?"
Eagerly, they turned.
"Here."
With a smile like the very driest wine, she lazily unwedged a wallet from one of her pockets. She removed another wallet from within her coat. Followed by a third, a fourth, a fifth! Ten wallets in all!
She held them forth, like biscuits, to good beasts. The men blinked. No, those were not their wallets! They had been onstage for only an instant. She had mingled with them only in pa.s.sing. It was all a joke. Surely she was offering them brand-new wallets, compliments of the show!
But now the men began feeling themselves, like sculptures finding unseen flaws in old, hastily flung together armatures. Their mouths gaped, their hands grew more frantic, slapping their chest-pockets, digging their pockets.
All the while Miss Quick ignored them to calmly sort their wallets like the morning mail.
It was at this precise moment I noticed the man on the far right end of the line, half on the stage. I lifted my opera gla.s.ses. I looked once. I looked twice.
"Well," I said lightly. "There seems to be a man there who somewhat resembles me."
"Oh?" said my wife.
I handed her the gla.s.ses, casually. "Far right."
"It"s not like you," said my wife. "It"s you!"
"Well, almost," I said modestly.
The fellow was nice-looking. It was hardly cricket to look thus upon yourself and p.r.o.nounce favorable verdicts. Simultaneously, I had grown quite cold. I took back the opera gla.s.ses and nodded, fascinated. "Crew cut. Horn-rimmed gla.s.ses. Pink complexion. Blue eyes-"
"Your absolute twin!" cried my wife.
And this was true. And it was strange, sitting there, watching myself onstage.
"No, no, no," I kept whispering.
But yet, what my mind refused, my eye accepted. Aren"t there two billion people in this world? Yes! All different snowflakes, no two the same! But now here, delivered into my gaze, endangering my ego and my complacency, here was a casting from the same absolutes, the identical mold.
Should I believe, disbelieve, feel proud, or run scared? For here I stood witness to the forgetfulness of G.o.d.
"I don"t think," said G.o.d, "I"ve made one like this before."
But, I thought, entranced, delighted, alarmed: G.o.d errs.
Flashes from old psychology books lit my mind.
Heredity. Environment.
"Smith! Jones! Helstrom!"
Onstage, in bland drill-sergeant tones, Miss Quick called roll and handed back the stolen goods.
You borrow your body from all your forebears, I thought. Heredity.
But isn"t the body also an environment?
"Winters!"
Environment, they say, surrounds you. Well, doesn"t the body surround, with its lakes, its architectures of bone, its overabundances, or wastelands of soul? Does not what is seen in pa.s.sing window-mirrors, a face either serene snowfalls or a pitted abyss, the hands like swans or sparrows, the feet anvils or hummingbirds, the body a lumpy wheat-sack or a summer fern, do these not, seen, paint the mind, set the image, shape the brain and psyche like clay? They do!
"Bidwell! Rogers!"
Well, then, trapped in the same environmental flesh, how fared this stranger onstage?
In the old fashion, I wanted to leap to my feet and call, "What o"clock is it?"
And he, like the town crier pa.s.sing late with my face, might half mournfully reply, "Nine o"clock, and all"s well But was all well with him?
Question: did those horn-rims cover a myopia not only of light but of spirit?
Question: was the slight obesity pressed to his skeleton symbolic of a similar gathering of tissue in his head?
In sum, did his soul go north while mine went south, the same flesh cloaking us but our minds reacting, one winter, one summer?
"My G.o.d," I said, half aloud. "Suppose we"re absolutely identical!"
"Shh!" said a woman behind me.
I swallowed hard.
Suppose, I thought, he is a chain-smoker, light sleeper, overeater, manic-depressive, glib talker, deep/shallow thinker, flesh fancier...
No one with that body, that face, could be otherwise. Even our names must be similar.
Our names!
"...1...bl ... er..." .
Miss Quick spoke his!
Someone coughed. I missed it.
Perhaps she"d repeat it. But no, he, my twin, moved forward. d.a.m.n! He stumbled! The audience laughed.
I focused my binoculars swiftly.
My twin stood quietly, center stage now, his wallet returned to his fumbling hands.
"Stand straight," I whispered. "Don"t slouch."
"Shh!" said my wife.
I squared my own shoulders, secretly.
I never knew I looked that fine, I thought, cramming the gla.s.ses to my eyes. Surely my nostrils aren"t that thinly made, the true aristocrat. Is my skin that fresh and handsome, my chin that firm?
I blushed, in silence.
After all, if my wife said that was me, accept it! The lamplight of pure intelligence shone softly from every pore of his face.
"The gla.s.ses." My wife nudged me.
Reluctantly I gave them up.
She trained the gla.s.ses rigidly, not on the man, but now on Miss Quick, who was busy cajoling, flirting, and repicking the pockets of the nearest men. On occasion my wife broke into a series of little satisfied snorts and giggles.
Miss Quick was, indeed, the G.o.ddess Shiva.
If I saw two hands, I saw nine. Her hands, an aviary, flew, rustled, tapped, soared, petted, whirled, tickled as Miss Quick, her face blank, swarmed coldly over her victims; touched without touching.
"What"s in this pocket? And this? And here?"
She shook their vests, pinched their lapels, jingled their trousers: money rang. She punched them lightly with a vindictive forefinger, ringing totals on cash registers. She unplucked coat b.u.t.tons with mannish yet fragile motions, gave wallets back, sneaked them away. She thrust them, took them, stole them again, while peeling money to count it behind the men"s backs, then s.n.a.t.c.hed their watches while holding their hands.
She trapped a live doctor now!
"Have you a thermometer!?" she asked.
"Yes." He searched. His face panicked. He searched again. The audience cued him with a roar. He glanced over to find: Miss Quick standing with the thermometer in her mouth, like an unlit smoke. She whipped it out, eyed it.
"Temperature!" she cried. "One hundred ten!"
She closed her eyes and gave an insincere shake of her hips.
The audience roared. And now she a.s.saulted her victims, bullied them, tugged at their shirts, rumpled their hair, asked: "Where"s your tie?"
They clapped their hands to their empty collars.
She plucked their ties from nowhere, tossed them back.
She was a magnet that invisibly drew good-luck charms, saints" medals, Roman coins, theater stubs, handkerchiefs, stickpins, while the audience ran riot, convulsed as these rabbit men stood peeled of all prides and protections.
Hold your hip pocket, she vacuumed your vest. Clutch your vest, she jackpotted your trousers. Blithely bored, firm but evanescent, she convinced you you missed nothing, until she extracted it, with faint loathing, from her own tweeds moments later.
"What"s this?!" She held up a letter. ""Dear Helen: Last night with you-""
A furious blush as the victim tussled with Miss Quick, s.n.a.t.c.hed the letter, stowed it away. But a moment later, the letter was restolen and reread aloud: ""Dear Helen: Last night-""
So the battle raged. One woman. Ten men.
She kissed one, stole his belt.
Stole another"s suspenders.
The women in the audience-whinnied.
Their men, shocked, joined in.
What a magnificent bully, Miss Quick! How she spanked her dear, idiot-grinning, carry-on-somehow men turned boys as she spun them like cigar-store Indians, knocked them with her brontosaur hip, leaned on them like barber-poles, calling each one cute or lovely or handsome.
This night, I thought, is lunatic! All about me, wives, hilarious with contempt, hysterical at being so shabbily revealed in their national pastimes, gagged for air. Their husbands sat stunned, as if a war were over that had not been declared, fought and lost before they could move. Each, nearby, had the terrible look of a man who fears his throat is cut, and that a sneeze would fill the aisle with heads .
Quickly! I thought. Do something!
"You, you onstage, my twin, dodge! Escape!"
And she was coming at him!
"Be firm!" I told my twin. "Strategy! Duck, weave. Zigzag. Don"t look where she says. Look where she doesn"t say! Go it! now!"
If I shouted this, or merely ground it to powder in my teeth, I don"t recall, for all the men froze as Miss Quick seized my twin by the hand.
"Careful!" I whispered.
Too late. His watch was gone. He didn"t know it. Your watch is gone! I thought. He doesn"t know what time it is! I thought.
Miss Quick stroked his lapel. Back off! I warned myself.
Too late. His forty-dollar pen was gone. He didn"t know it. She tweaked his nose. He smiled. Idiot! There went his wallet. Not your nose, fool, your coat!
"Padded?" She pinched his shoulder. He looked at his right arm. No! I cried silently, for now she had the letters out of his left coat pocket. She planted a red kiss on his brow and backed off with everything else he had on him, coins, identification, a package of chocolates which she ate, greedily. Use the sense G.o.d gave a cow! I shouted behind my face. Blind! See what she"s doing!
She whirled him round, measured him, and said, "This yours?" and returned his tie.
My wife was hysterical. She still held the gla.s.ses fixed on every nuance and vibration of loss and deprivation on the poor idiot"s face. Her mouth was spoiled with triumph.
My G.o.d! I cried in the uproar. Get off the stage! I yelled within, wishing I could really yell it. At least get out while you have some pride!
The laughter had erupted a volcano in the theater, high and rumbling and dark. The dim grotto seemed lit with unhealthy fever, an incandescence. My twin wanted to break off, like one of Pavlov"s dogs, too many bells on too many days: no reward, no food. His eyes were glazed with his insane predicament.
Fall! Jump in the pit! Crawl away! I thought.
The orchestra sawed at destiny with violins and Valkyrian trumpets in full flood.